Son wants nothing to do with me!

[Wilf1975]

I was married to my first husband, we had a son & daughter together. My husband was mentally, physically & emotionally abusive to the three of us. I eventually found the strength to leave him when my son was 8 and my daughter was 6.
Six months of him leaving my husband took an overdose and ended up in a vegetative state in a nursing home for four years until he died in 2013.
The three of us were always close until my son started going out with his girlfriend 3 years ago. He walked out 2 years ago and I have not really seen him. I have tried everything to try and be included in his life but he doesn’t want that. He totally despises me and blames me for his childhood. My daughter told me yesterday he is getting married in February and will not be inviting me.
I miss him so much, can’t help but think there is something wrong with me. I have a rubbish relationship with my own mum and didn’t want to end up like that.
I feel tired, the people close to me treat me like rubbish and I don’t think I deserve this. It is just one thing after another, I just want some peace and be a family. It feels like I am always picking up after other people and have no say in things. I feel so sad..........

This is why people shouldnt stay in shit relationships for the sake of the children.

My childhood was abusive. My dad hit me and I was terrified of him. My mother stood by and let it happen. The last time I spoke to her, 7, years ago i asked her why it hadnt bothered her, she said it had and asked if I'd never noticed she left the room whenever it happened.

Her abuse was emotional. Partly because she failed to protect me from him; partly because she was weak and prioritised her own wants over my needs (she wanted to shop in nice supermarkets and go on nice holidays and live in a nice house).

I understand that it is difficult for women to leave abusive relationships bit this is why it's so important. We know one parent is abusing us, but we dont understand why the other won't help us and that, in many ways, is worse.

I don't speak to my mother anymore and she wasn't invited to my wedding

You reap what you sow, I'm afraid.

Oh, I didnt finish my sentence and partly because she was weak.

She managed to kick him out when he cheated on her and she coped quite well in the same nice house. She changed her supermarket and still goes on nice holidays

Oh and selfish.

He’s made his feelings clear OP and all you can do is respect that. It may be his relationship with his girlfriend has exposed to him a different sort of family and given him a fresh perspective on his childhood and how wrong what he went through was. Heartbreaking for you but he’s an adult now and he’s made his choice.

Who is treating you like rubbish?

I'm very sorry, because I know how hard this must be for you to hear, but I have to agree with OhHimAgain. My father was an alcoholic, he was pissed every day and drove us around in the car as children, ranting and raving and swerving across the road (one example, there are obviously many more). My mother stayed with him and it ruined our childhoods. If asked, she would say exactly the same kinds of things as you. Your son probably feels very let down, and I think you really need to acknowledge that.

OhHimAgain

Does your daughter have a relationship with you? With her brother?

If so does she shed any light on his attitude towards you?

What does he mean when he says 'his childhood'? The abuse by his father? If so, then I'm afraid I live his feelings every day. My own mother went from 'step father' to 'step father' and they were abusive. One was an alcoholic who was violent and continuously smoked drugs in the house, played loud music until the early hours and so on. She did nothing to protect any of us, just ignoring it, blaming us, pretending we were blowing things out of proportion when we spoke to her about it. My childhood was fucking miserable, to be frank. The worst step father is long since dead and my mother has remarried (I was an adult at this point so don't know him well but seems ok) but my relationship with her will never be repaired. I hate going into my childhood 'home' because it didn't feel safe there when I was a child. A mother's one job is to keep her children safe and my mother failed me. I always thought I would understand it better when I had children of my own but I understand it so, so much less.

Now. You might read that and think 'I didn't have the strength/money/ability to leave until I did,' and I expect you are right. You left as soon as you could. However, in the same way that I can't get any older than a child about some of the things my mother subjected me to, neither can your son. He has his perspective and you have yours. All you can do is make sure he knows you love him, explain your regrets-in a letter perhaps-and be there if he changes his mind.

I'm sorry, OP, because that probably doesn't help you but you said you are fed up being treated like rubbish. I expect your eight year old son felt the same and hasn't recovered.

Op

For whatever reason - your son doesn’t want anything to do with you. We obviously only have your side of the story, but that fact remains.

Respect it. Send birthday and Christmas cards with notes that you’d love to get together and here when he’s ready, but other than - respect him and his stance

Your son is still very young - 19/20 at most by the timeline you have posted? This is a time when people test their boundaries and aren’t that close to their parents, even without the tough history your family has had. He might mellow as he gets older. Perhaps you could send a congratulations card but obviously depends on what past attempts you have made and what response they got - don’t create a perception of harassment.

You left when he was 8 - there are posts on here of people who don’t have that level of courage and allow situations to carry on for far longer.

@OhHimAgain

This brought tears to my eyes.

My dad hit me and I was terrified of him.
I asked her why it hadnt bothered her, she said it had and asked if I'd never noticed she left the room whenever it happened.

I'm sorry for what you suffered and that you weren't protected by either of them.

That really is the classic narcissist response, you complain about physical abuse and she makes it all about her, about it being upsetting for her to witness,
unbelievable, but they all read from the same script

Have you remarried, and if so when was that? You seem to be suggesting that the girlfriend has negatively influenced your relationship, but I'm wondering what else was going on at the time.

Wow, I have always loved my children. I tried my best in difficult circumstances. My husband ridiculed me, hit me, he said I was nothing without him. I did leave before but my self esteem was at rock bottom and I believed I was nothing without him.
When I realised that actually he was the weak one, I went to court and never looked back.
I have a close relationship with my daughter she lives at home and sees her childhood completely differently.
I feel so guilty that I allowed this man to hurt our children and if I could go back and change it I would.
I always tried to stop him hurting my children, that meant I would end up with a black eye or bruised arm or being sworn at or spat at.
I didn’t sit back and watch, I am not perverse!
I am not bad a person and got both of my children support when we left. I didn’t sit them down and explain everything because I was trying to protect them and he was still there Dad. I should have but I have acknowledged to them I am sorry for there childhood and I was wrong to go back the first time.
I am not feeling sorry for myself and have left him alone like he has asked. Feeling sad about the situation is different to making it all about me.

I feel tired, the people close to me treat me like rubbish and I don’t think I deserve this. It is just one thing after another, I just want some peace and be a family. It feels like I am always picking up after other people and have no say in things. I feel so sad..........

You are feeling sorry for yourself.

Who is making you feel rubbish? Your son for not speaking to you anymore or someone else? You say you have a good relationship with your daughter. Do you have a partner/husband?

I feel sorry because being a mum is the most important thing I have done in my life. To know that he is struggling and he is, that he won’t come to me is complete rubbish. I love him so much and so proud of who he has become and what he has achieved that not to be able to give him a hug or ask how his week has gone is hard. I have tried everything over the last two years but there’s only so much abuse you can take. Couple of months ago he ranted at me for 30 minutes about how useless I am. I am human and made mistakes lots of them.
I have remarried to a loving caring man. He is the only man that I introduced to my children. He has supported both my children and been a stable loving home.

I have a close relationship with my daughter she lives at home and sees her childhood completely differently.

It's not uncommon for siblings to have a different perspective.

It's unlikely they were treated exactly the same way by him; they were different ages; your relationship with each of them will have been different because they are different people and their different personalities will determine how they feel about your handling of the situation.

That doesn't mean his perspective is wrong or less valid.

It's just different. You clearly feel he is being unfair. It's not his job to protect you, though, it was your job to protect him.

I agree that his relationship with his girlfriend has probably revealed a different type of family life and that is the type of family he wants in his life. He is possibly taking time now to process his childhood experience and how he feels about it.

This low contact situation may well ease over time but you will need to take his lead on that.

It's different for me. My dad didnt cheat on my mother until I was 17 so I was still being hit, locked in cupboard and dragged upstairs etc until adulthood really. During that last conversation with her (in my late 30s), I was really trying to resolve things but she sneered, she mocked, she belittled and then she pitied herself.

If you ever get the chance to speak to him about this, I would counsel that you listen. Don't explain or justify. The small boy still inside him needs his mummy to listen to him and respond with love and empathy. He doesn't need to feel he is expected to make you feel better about it.

If you try and make him understand your perspective, then you will just push him further away.

He will need to know that you hear him.

But wait for him to come to you. You had your chances and the space you make your choices. Now he needs his.

To know that he is struggling and he is, that he won’t come to me is complete rubbish.

But you are not that person for him.

You are not his 'safe place'.

Oh and just to add to my last post, that your daughter recalls an abusive childhood so differently is not necessarily a positive thing.

Trauma can affect people in many ways. But it comes out eventually.

Who else treats you like shit? It must be traumatizing for your son (your daughter was younger so maybe doesn't remember the same) to live in an abusive house and then have his father try and kill and be in limbo all these years. Did they ever have counselling? That's a lot for a child to bear and will have huge effect on him.

Hold on, OP left the abuser, the one who she protected the children from. He then killed himself, his choice, why is the OP getting grief?? I grew up I am abusive home and wish my dad had, had the courage to leave like the OP did.

What is he struggling with? If it’s resolving his childhood them I can see why he needs some distance from you to separate his feeling for you and his feeling for his father.

If it’s something else, maybe like a pp said you’re not his safe place for big decisions. Maybe he feels he wants a different choice than settling.

I'm aghast at this. The OP left as soon as she could surely?! The Relationships and divorce boards are full of women going through this for much longer and when they have the courage to try and get out they are supported and applauded, not told "you reap what you sow" FFS?! I had to check this wasn't posted in AIBU.

OP, if you go on Gransnet there is an "estrangement" board that you can talk on, so many people in a similar position albeit for lots of different reasons. You could have been the best mother in the world and your son's Dad be like Father Christmas, and this still might have happened. As it is, its reasonable to suspect this is all linked to childhood trauma.

Have you had any counselling for this that might shed some light on how your son feels and what you could do to help him? Thank god you have a good relationship with your daughter. I don't know what is happening on here this morning, maybe everyone is hungover.

DV is traumatic for the survivors.

I can understand your sadness/trauma from a mother’s POV as well as the sadness/trauma from a child’s POV. I admire your strength and determination that enabled you to leave and continue to hold your family together. It is really frightening those early years when you’re trying to regain financial security as well as recover and mother your children.

FWIW My thoughts are:
Relationships in families ebb and flow.

You have a good relationship with your daughter. Treasure and nurture this so that it presents as the open door for your son to return.

In the meantime work on your continuing relationship struggles so you can enjoy healthy relationships.