Son wants nothing to do with me!

[Wilf1975]

I was married to my first husband, we had a son & daughter together. My husband was mentally, physically & emotionally abusive to the three of us. I eventually found the strength to leave him when my son was 8 and my daughter was 6.
Six months of him leaving my husband took an overdose and ended up in a vegetative state in a nursing home for four years until he died in 2013.
The three of us were always close until my son started going out with his girlfriend 3 years ago. He walked out 2 years ago and I have not really seen him. I have tried everything to try and be included in his life but he doesn’t want that. He totally despises me and blames me for his childhood. My daughter told me yesterday he is getting married in February and will not be inviting me.
I miss him so much, can’t help but think there is something wrong with me. I have a rubbish relationship with my own mum and didn’t want to end up like that.
I feel tired, the people close to me treat me like rubbish and I don’t think I deserve this. It is just one thing after another, I just want some peace and be a family. It feels like I am always picking up after other people and have no say in things. I feel so sad..........

Spell out to him how your life was back them

With respect, this is really, really bad advice.

He doesn't need to know how the OP's life was back then, he needs to know that she understands what his life was back then as the child in this situation.

When he feels heard by her; when she has 'met' him, then he will be able to hear and process it from her perspective.

we have no idea what the son is actually blaming the OP for, and I wonder if its the death of his father

Do you know what? You are actually right - we don't know why he's done it.

All I've tried to do is offer a possible insight into how he is feeling and given some context of my own experience to hopefully show I'm not completely talking out of my arse.

The advice I've given though is fairly standard.

It doesn't matter what the reason is for him cutting her off and not inviting her to the wedding, it could be something completely unrelated and nothing to do with his childhood at all.

However, the advice still stands. If she wants to move the situation forward she needs to:

A) wait for him to come round so that he is receptive to her.
B) meet him where he is. Not where she is. The OP's posts have been very OP centred - how sad she feels; people treat her like rubbish; what is wrong with her... there is little to nothing about understanding why her son has done this or concern for him. Even when she says it hurts that he can't go to her, it's still about her.

Just telling him how she feels isn't going to illicit the response she wants. If she wants to know what is going on for and with him, she needs to listen to him and she needs to be prepared to hear things she won't like without disappearing...

This was very hard for me to read. My own father was abusive. He took very good care not to go too far in front of my mother, but one day he slammed my head down the door and concussed me. She was in the kitchen and could hear him yelling at me; my friend, who had walked home with me that night, could hear him from down the street. We had it out in my adult years as to how she could possibly have done that, and it took a great deal for me to forgive it.

My mother - now dead - did love me unconditionally and stayed with this monster because she thought she was doing the best thing for her family. She was wrong, and she royally screwed up on this account and knew it. He was an arch manipulator. He had me convinced that the abuse was my fault, and that I was a little shit who needed to be disciplined. This wasn't entirely untrue. But it took me years of therapy to make me understand that excessive abuse like this against a child is never the child's fault.

Without consciously acknowledging this, I did resent my mother. We were poor economically and she couldn't have afforded to leave him - but still should have. We talked about this honestly in adulthood, and she acknowledged how this had contributed to harming the daughter I know she loved. To say she felt remorse was an understatement. We were always close despite this issue; some might say co-dependent, because of the way my father was. And also, I didn't want to look these painful truths in the face and admit my mother's culpability, even to myself.

I have to say my father's abuse fucked me up for life. I was left with cPTSD which took decades to recognize and treat. I'm fine now, but you shouldn't underestimate the damage this can cause. I adored my mum, but I didn't let her off the hook or rugsweep it - I needed her to understand that she knew how wrong she'd been. She did, and she never attempted to excuse it. And in the circumstances I did forgive her and we enjoyed a close and loving relationship until her death.

I could easily understand, though, how in similar circumstances some may choose not to forgive.

I'm sorry, OP.

This from @OhHimAgain - Read her posts again. There is no self awareness; no understanding of how her son might feel; no insight into his experience etc. Instead, she talks about how she feels; how sad she is. She hasn't asked for insights (although she's received them) she was looking for pity and comfort for her position.

OP has only posted 3 times in the thread. I didn't see her looking for pity or comfort. We must be reading different things. The OP is not your mother You've leapt on people who have provided a different insight to yours so aggressively that this is now pretty much your thread. The OP wasn't the one perpetuating the abuse, she wasn't the one leaving the room.

But you know, maybe seeing how angry adults remain (and its not just @OhHimAgain who is angry here) about being involved in abusive marriages as children will help the OP to realise that she needs to get counselling to find out how she can support her son now.

Cross posted with @OhHimAgain.

I could easily understand, though, how in similar circumstances some may choose not to forgive. I think @MarieIVanArkleStinks has said it very eloquently.

I have still taken from the OP's posts that the circumstances were different and that she was not staying with the abuser because she thought it was for the best; OP got out.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks has a very similar story to mine. My mother was self absorbed and selfish for years after I left home with a breathtaking lack of awareness of the shut her actions (and lack thereof) until I refused to invite her to my wedding until I relented about a week before because I didn't want my future self to regret it. I met with her and her latest husband the night before my wedding. It was fine I thought.
They turned up late to my wedding reception because it transpired they'd been awake all night arguing because she thought he fancied me.
She had form for competing with me as well as ignoring abuse, for years.

It took a lot of very frank and angry conversations with her where I refused to be shut down before I could forgive her. I love her dearly but she was a shit mother. My brother still doesn't speak to her and I haven't spoken to him since I was about 18.

The point about all this is that your experience won't mirror that of your child's and you have to wait it out.

Or maybe, just maybe the son blames the OP for the fact his father committed suicide. After all it’s not apparent which part of the child’s childhood he blames the OP for is it? And it’s entirely possible that the father would have put it out there that he’d killed himself because the OP left him. And the son didn’t have any kind of relationship with him afterwards and probably he was in a vegetative state longer than he was a part of the child’s family.

So, if the son actually blames his mother for leaving his father in the belief that if she hadn’t he would still be alive, is that the OP’s fault too?

Some of the victim blaming on this thread is atrocious, and there is far too much projection going on from peoples’ personal circumstances. Strikes me those people need to have a bit more counselling and stop attacking other victims. They’re not responsible for what you went through.

This thread is a disgrace, and the DM would have a field day with it. Way to go to show women up as being responsible for domestic violence and partners’ suicide if they dare to leave.

I don't think that's true Nocause. People are sharing their experiences because they are relevant and trying to make OP realise the potential impact of adverse childhood experiences so that she can understand why her son may have cut ties with her. Surely that is important.

The love a parent has for a child is entirely different to the love a child has for a parent. They are two different types of Love entirely.
Don't expect to feel washed with the same swell of love from your child as you feel for them.
Don't ask a child to provide your emotional needs.
You say 'everyone' or 'all the people around me' treat you like rubbish. That's quite a dramatic statement, and its not entirely true either.
I would watch what happens when you start thinking that way.
You start ruminating and setting up tables for the pity party, everyone must tell me they love me or my feelings will be hurt.
Your daughter loves you, so it's not really the All or Nothing picture that it's telling you it is.
What does 'being a family' mean to you? Your son is a grown up now and is going off to have his own family, separate from you.
Maybe your son doesn't 'despise' you, but maybe he senses you need more of him than he prepared to give/able to give you.
If he's verbally abusive to you you need to stand up to him and demand respect for yourself. He doesn't require special treatment. He can't speak to you like that in your own house. You wouldn't tolerate it from a stranger in the street, so do not tolerate it from him.

TitanTanya44 except that no-one actually knows what it is the son is upset about. And the fact is that the OP did leave, and when she did her ex committed suicide.

Most of the people on this thread went through abuse well into their teens and their mothers did nothing about it. It’s not remotely comparable to a woman who actively leaves an abusive relationship.

Yes childhood experience is relevant when trying to explain how the child might be feeling (and again, we don’t know,) but it is not justification for blaming the OP, accusing her of this being all about her, and attacking her personally.

Truth is that every woman in a violent relationship should have been able to leave sooner. But we all know that this isn’t always that simple.

The sentence that stand out to me from your posts is I allowed this man to hurt our children.

Your son was eight - he might feel you let him down. You weren’t strong enough to stand up for him, or you didn’t care enough.

From reading your posts there is still a lot of self pity, you tried to stop him hurting the children, but for your sons perspective maybe this wasn’t enough. It should have been stopped the very first time it happened?

You need counselling, and may to start to really understand how awful this childhood was for your children. Your daughter was you younger, and just because she seems to be okay with this it doesn’t mean your son should be.

He might forgive you, he might some back for more answers, just wait for him.

That's true Nocause. None of us know how hard it was for her at the time. I agree.

However, if she's going to move forward in her relationship with her son, she needs to understand that he may be angry with her and it's important for her to address that.

It may not have been entirely her fault but it certainly wasn't her son's. He should have felt protected and safe as a child, but we can only assume that he didn't. I know that my resentment towards my mum isn't entirely rational but it's hard to be rational when you feel you were let down when you were a child and it's hard to come back from as an adult. I know it sounds cheesy but the pain of it all lives on.

There is no self awareness; no understanding of how her son might feel; no insight into his experience etc. Instead, she talks about how she feels; how sad she is. She hasn't asked for insights (although she's received them) she was looking for pity and comfort for her position

VIctims of abuse are allowed to feel sad about their past. How dare you try and make OP feel guilty for that. You're projecting all over this thread.

OP, do you know what exactly or what part of his childhood your son blames you for?

Was it the abuse from his dad?
The death of his dad?

Did he have a good relationship with his stepdad?

My mother was supposed to protect me, she didn't and I can't forgive her for that. I am almost 40 now and after being in an abusive relationship myself I understand it can be difficult to leave, but the anger and resentment is still there. I have carried the weight of my childhood around with me for years and it has almost drowned me. It still affects me now in my behaviours and responses to things.

You did leave but that was after 8 years and while it is amazing you did, it doesn't erase those years. Even if you tried to stop them being hurt they still were. Maybe he will mellow as he gets older but maybe he won't and unfortunately you may have to accept that. What you must do is give him space and if he does approach, listen and think about what he says.

Hang on a minute!

You managed to get your children away from this abusive man. In the face of what adversity we don't know. You then raised your son for another 10 years as a single parent. Seems very strange that he has turned against you now. Why now? Can you think of anything that may have triggered this now?

As for people blaming the Op for the abuse....way to go....women blaming the victim, instead of laying the blame squarely where it belongs, which is on the shoulders of the abusive man in this scenario.

It seems that some people can't or won't even try to see that its equally likely she did absolutely everything she could. She was beaten viciously by this man. We all know trying to leave actually put her life at risk. What if she had gone earlier or tried to and he killed her, would her son have been better off then? OP has not posted a lot of self pity but there is certainly a lot of projection under the guise of sharing experiences. Some people seem to be using op as a whipping post for their own hurt and feelings for their parents and that's not acceptable.

Well said PerfectPenguins.

Agreed perfectpenguins. It's important to never forget the impact this horrendous behaviour has on children. It's complex and women often don't leave because of a myriad of reasons. The op did leave and did her best to protect her children but she only sees it from her perspective. It's hard hearing from your child that they are angry with you for your choices. But it's absolutely a conversation that must be had. In this case, it seems the OP's son feels unable to do that and so have opted to withdraw. It's terrible. There are no winners here. Everybody suffers.

Sorry to say this but perhaps be has some of his fathers traits and thinks putting you down and being abusive is the way to get you to conform.

You left when they were 6 and 8. You didn't exactly let them have a full childhood of abuse and I'm sure you left as soon as you could.

I had a rough childhood (abusive father) and my mum never left him until I was 14! I don't hate my mum and we have a good relationship. My dad is still abusive and controlling even though I'm 30 now, we don't talk at all. I know that my mum never really had anyone to help her out of the marriage and no where to go really.

I do feel that people that use the bad childhood card are heading for a bad road. My dad uses his bad childhood as a reason for him being abusive.

There needs to come a time when you become an adult and can't blame your childhood for your behaviour.

I'm sure your son saw some unpleasant things and experienced them too but you left and he had 10 years of a decent childhood in the aftermath, more than a lot of children from abusive families get.

Are you sure it's nothing to do with his dad dying? He perhaps, in his weird mind, thinks you are to blame for this?

Please stop blaming the mother's! It's such a tough call to stay or leave in reality.
I left, the moment it switched from emotional to physical abuse. I was lucky though, I had a well paid job and a fairly wealthy family so was cushioned from the worst poverty many suffer after fleeing.

But there was a far worse consequence of leaving. The courts that believed me and protected me from his abusive have taken a different attitude entirely when it comes to children matters. Dad's rights trump everything and if I express concerns I risk being accused of "alienation". This despite medical proof he abused me! My son has risked death because of his dads actions but still the courts and fucking cafcass thing their relationship is important. In the end my 9 year old son had to make his own decision that he didn't feel safe, because none of the systems protected him. The "professionals" were all charmed by his dad.

So I am not sure I could blithely advise a mother to leave or judge her for not doing so. My children are much more in danger now I have left their dad.

The victim blaming on this thread is shocking and heartbreaking. The perpetrators of domestic abuse are responsible for the trauma it inflicts; the victims are not.

I used to work for Women's Aid as a refuge worker. In that time I saw many traumatised children who had been witness to the abuse of their mother and had sometimes been directly abused themselves. The perpetrator of that abuse was responsible for their trauma; not their mothers.

People on this thread are talking about women's responsiblity to leave abusive homes. This is profoundly ignorant. The most dangerous time for a woman (ie when she is most likely to be murdered) is the time from when she is planning to leave to a year after having left. Women know how dangerous it is to leave. Abusers threaten to kill children, to kill the woman, to kill themselves, and all kinds of horrors to prevent it happening. Many women have no family, no money, no support. They CAN'T JUST LEAVE.

Social services absolutely blame the mother if she's aware of the effect on the children and doesn't act immediately in their best interests - meaning leaving.
That's my first hand experience and it was godawful because the cognitive dissonance you suffer is almost intolerable. You're still in the fig if believing that if you were more/better/tidier/more tolerant etc etc that things will be ok. But social services will (rightly) be extremely blunt about the fact that if you know this is abusive, and your children are going to suffer as a result, then leave you must.

And it's rarely that simple. So the entire system blames the woman. Not just MN.