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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Son wants nothing to do with me!

336 replies

Wilf1975 · 25/08/2019 11:05

I was married to my first husband, we had a son & daughter together. My husband was mentally, physically & emotionally abusive to the three of us. I eventually found the strength to leave him when my son was 8 and my daughter was 6.
Six months of him leaving my husband took an overdose and ended up in a vegetative state in a nursing home for four years until he died in 2013.
The three of us were always close until my son started going out with his girlfriend 3 years ago. He walked out 2 years ago and I have not really seen him. I have tried everything to try and be included in his life but he doesn’t want that. He totally despises me and blames me for his childhood. My daughter told me yesterday he is getting married in February and will not be inviting me.
I miss him so much, can’t help but think there is something wrong with me. I have a rubbish relationship with my own mum and didn’t want to end up like that.
I feel tired, the people close to me treat me like rubbish and I don’t think I deserve this. It is just one thing after another, I just want some peace and be a family. It feels like I am always picking up after other people and have no say in things. I feel so sad..........

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 25/08/2019 12:48

Stop trying. Do not reach out to him, do not call, text, message him. Leave him to create his own adult, safe life.

If he gets in with his sister you can be sure you will continue to know what he is doing... just as you know he is getting married. You could tell her, just once and without any further commentary, that if he talks to her about it that you are sorry you let him down, live him, and wish him well in making himself a happy life.

That is then it... Don't repeat it, don't ask about it, don't push either if your kids.

Then you have to think only if yourself. Find something to focus on, be active, be happy. Don't wait for your DS to come to you, you too need to build yourself a happy life, from the inside out.

OhHimAgain · 25/08/2019 12:48

Hold on, OP left the abuser, the one who she protected the children from. He then killed himself, his choice, why is the OP getting grief?? I grew up I am abusive home and wish my dad had, had the courage to leave like the OP did.

Because the OP's son is not you and did not live your life. He is himself and lived his life and his reaction to it is valid.

The OP needs to understand that, if she wishes to repair her relationship with him, it needs to be about him and not her and how she feels.

You might have wished your dad had left and that is great.

His experience was that his mother did leave, his dad tried to kill himself and spent years in a vegetative state. A young child will have had all sorts of emotions around that which might not have fully emerged until he left home.

IsAStormApproaching · 25/08/2019 12:49

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TheInebriati · 25/08/2019 12:49

OP, no one is saying you are a bad person. I suggest you go for counselling for yourself, and tell your daughter to go for counselling on her own.
You all need to process what happened. Your daughter might actually need some space from you so she can deal with her childhood. That's doesn't have anything to do with failure in parenting, its just how people process trauma.
You should concentrate on your own healing. Thats your best chance of a healthy relationship with your adult children at some point in the future.

OhHimAgain · 25/08/2019 12:51

@DishingOutDone

She needs to understand it from his perspective if she Hope's to repair the relationship.

The support a woman gets on these boards whilst in the middle of it is one thing but her experience doesn't negate the valid experience of her child who has a different experience.

Myriade · 25/08/2019 12:57

Or he has learnt from his dad that putting you do and being abusive is what people can do to you. That’s it’s normal to behave like this towards you.

The comment about everyone else treating you like shot makes me wonder if there is t a pattern there. One where your self esteem is in bits and you don’t think you are worth more than that.

My suggestion is counselling to help you. YOU as a person and to help you hold onto your boundaries, incl not be so accepting of people being abusive toward you. Incl your own son.

FAQs · 25/08/2019 12:57

@OhHimAgain don’t try and patronise me sweet.

Some of the grief the OP is getting is Victim Blaming from people who have no idea how hard it is for people to leave a home, with kids, start again with everything.

Her relationship is a separate issue, yes it’s all connected however kicking her and saying she deserves this she sowed the seeds blah blah blah, no the abuser did that, she picked the seeds up and carried re planted them doing her best not knowing if he was going to recover.

OP you have some great advice on rebuilding the relationship and balancing this with space and respect. You were all victims and once adulthood comes it can be a time of reflection esp during events such as marriage and children he probably needs time to process it all.

hereforasillygoosetime · 25/08/2019 12:58

@DishingOutDone I agree. No need for the nastiness on this thread.

NeatFreakMama · 25/08/2019 12:58

All you can really do is listen to your son's point of view and hold it as true for him.

It's not about being right or wrong, you've both suffered but as a PP said, you're not his safe place and ultimately you were the parent there to keep him safe and he feels let down.

It's horrible for all involved and I'm so sorry it's heartbreaking. I do think all you can do is validate his feelings.

FAQs · 25/08/2019 12:59

@IsAStormApproaching she allowed the abuse, wow ! Really, no words.

OhHimAgain · 25/08/2019 13:03

Sweet 🤣

And some of it is a perspective from the child in that situation so that she might be able to understand why her son is reacting like this now and a bit of insight into how she might respond in order to move forward.

None of her posts have demonstrated any insight into her son's perspective on this and gaining this will be crucial to moving this situation forward.

But yeah you're right we could just castigate the nasty man who is now dead so that will achieve fuck all and we could castigate man who is now trying to process it.

The reason it's so important for women to leave is precisely because of the after effect on the children esp as they enter adulthood.

That's just a fact and theres no point pretending to her otherwise.

Skittlenommer · 25/08/2019 13:04

This is why the ‘who is going to look after you when you’re old?’ comments childfree people get are bullshit!

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/08/2019 13:05

You could have been the best mother in the world and your son's Dad be like Father Christmas, and this still might have happened highly unlikely Hmm I looked at that thread once out of interest and the self indulgent, naval gazing woe-is-me godswallop is mind boggling. I can’t see how it would help the OP.

Nomorepies · 25/08/2019 13:05

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FAQs · 25/08/2019 13:06

@OhHimAgain you’re self projecting.

KUGA · 25/08/2019 13:07

How sad.
I think you just have to keep get on with your own life.
I also think your son will regret not inviting you to his wedding given time.
Also his wife to be may have input into why he isn`t speaking to you.
I really hope things work out for you and the family.

FAQs · 25/08/2019 13:14

Who is castigating the son Hmm and missed this bit did you. OP you have some great advice on rebuilding the relationship and balancing this with space and respect. You were all victims and once adulthood comes it can be a time of reflection esp during events such as marriage and children he probably needs time to process it all.

Are several people on here not reading she left him.

She sounds huffy because she took a black eye. 😮.

MsHopey · 25/08/2019 13:15

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OhHimAgain · 25/08/2019 13:15

@FAQs

If you think my advice is rubbish and won't help then you're more than welcome to offer your own.

What do you think the OP could/should do to achieve the outcome she wants?

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/08/2019 13:15

I also think your son will regret not inviting you to his wedding given time.

Maybe. Maybe not. My PIL weren’t invited to our wedding and no regrets here. They used it as yet another excuse to try and ruin a happy occasion with an outpouring of bile and making it all about them. We had the happiest day and they had no place there.

FAQs · 25/08/2019 13:18

@OhHimAgain maybe re-read my posts..

Just incase, 3rd time lucky.

OP you have some great advice on rebuilding the relationship and balancing this with space and respect. You were all victims and once adulthood comes it can be a time of reflection esp during events such as marriage and children he probably needs time to process it all.

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/08/2019 13:18

I think you’ve spoken a lot of sense @OhHimAgain and opened yourself up by sharing some very personal and painful experiences. OP is looking for answers and should be looking for insight, which you have given her, and that can only be valuable even if she doesn’t see it now. I hope you’ve managed to heal and find the happiness you deserve in life.

OhHimAgain · 25/08/2019 13:21

Thanks, Anne.

Almost... Wink and life is good Flowers

cacklingmags · 25/08/2019 13:26

Your son is very young, stay in touch with birthday and Christmas cards, he may well come back to you when he is a bit older.

Lifeisabeach09 · 25/08/2019 13:31

OP, I feel you are getting hard time. Sure, parents should protect their children from abuse (without a doubt!) but when you are being abused by the same person also, it's easier said than done.

Some women never leave their child's abuser. You did. Be proud of this.

Agree with PPs in that your son needs time. Send a card and a gift for his wedding. Let him know you are thinking of him. But give him the space to decide if he wants you in his life.