DP ruining my holiday already.

[WhatHoliday]

DP has been having a hard time with his mental health recently. To exacerbate this he isn't really seeking help and has been drinking far too much. We're off on holiday with our son (18 months) tomorrow. I'm excited, first holiday together as a family.
I'm off work already, (teacher) but I have been in today to do things for gcse results, but I've also organised all mine and Ds's packing, cancelled the milk, got insurance, euros and made a bag of fun for DS in the plane.

"D"P has just come home at 8pm, dropped the fact that he hasn't washed any of his clothes and needs to do that and pack still, and has basically faffed around for 3 hours, drinking and looking for 1 t shirt. I wanted him to be on baby duty for a couple of hours so I could have a bath, shave my bloody legs and if I was lucky smush a bit of fake tan on. He's done nothing, he's sat here saying he feels that he doesn't deserve the holiday and he's stressed and anxious. I've carried on sorting and packing and now he's "gone out for a pint" so I'm still unbathed, non shaved, pasty white and bloody angry.

His behaviour is so erratic, self-involved and depressing. I read the thread recently about the woman on holiday with her Husband who was behaving horrendously but also had mental health issues and I'm just dreading going.

Not even sure there's an answer for this. Last time he went out at this time he was on a bender for 24 hours, so maybe I'll get to go alone anyway!

I have sort of jumped to the end, but why, OP, are you only getting 4 hours of sleep a night? I know you are still BF- is that why?

My DS2 was BF to 15 months, but by then, it was entirely one desultory BF immediately before bed, around 7pm? Then BED. Til at least 6am. Any fussing in the night might get a bottle, possibly water, but no more BF.

Sod that.

Regaining control over your DCs demands might help you cope better. A 18 month old should not need to wake through the night for feeds.

@RevealingIfYouMightBeStalked

I was thinking that ... my kids were sleeping through at 12 months.

I agree with those saying just go on the holiday without him. It will be far simpler and more liberating.

Hopefully the OP is getting some sleep before her holiday tomorrow

Nitey Nite

@RevealingIfYouMightBeStalked 4 hours sleep sounds about right for someone in SLT at a school and with an 18 month old. Lessons don't plan themselves, books don't mark themselves and reports/follow up all has to be done, progress tracking, whole-school initiatives, intervention etc. She's doing that alongside looking after a toddler and a dead weight DP and sounds like she's also doing most of the housework too. Senior leaders at schools barely get time to shave even WITH a supportive partner.

Yes Mileysmiley volunteering at a school is entirely akin to running one. hmm
Lols!!!

@mileysmiley are you crumbs1?

Op from what I've read you don't seem to have much empathy towards your husband, probably because it's one big stress, but doesn't sound like you actually listen to him and just see it as complaining.

You mention you earn 3 times as much, does he feel belittled by this? Does he feel like he doesn't deserve the holiday because he doesn't earn the same? What do you see from his point of view?

Of course you can only say so much in a post, but of all the things you've listed it sounds like a competition of who has it the worst between you both and you're already resenting each other for it.

Re the working from home mum, whilst I agree she is perhaps making a rod for the future wife's back, what's the hardship in putting a wash on?! It's a few buttons and the machine does it for you, hardly wiping his arse! Maybe the son does other jobs or errands. Regardless of the jobs or assumed gender role of the chore, surely it's all about all chipping in to help each other.

@ mileysmiley are you crumbs1?

Glad I'm not the only one thinking this.

OP, if he's not ready, go by yourself. Use the time apart to centre yourself and consider your options. Life is too short to live in stress or unhappiness.

Have a good night ladies and Gents (yes there are men on this thread pretending to be women)

Are you referring to yourself? Are you OPs husband trying to get her to wash your clothes for you? Get your arse home 😂

Men all over Mumsnet, unless you know other posters personally then you can't know that and are only guessing. If someone has posted on this thread saying they are a woman and you deliberately call them a man then there's a lot of people who say that's misgendering and against MN last rules.

Just saying.

I don't think that it's fair that people are putting more mental load on the OP. When my kids were young, I'd come home from work, get them dinner, do the bedtime routine, tidy up, and then I'd do my work once they were asleep. It's crap, but that's what a lot of working mothers do.

I suspect she doesn't have any more mental energy to give to her husband. This sounds like a much needed holiday for her and it's really shitty of him to ruin it like this.

OP, I hope you and your DS just catch your flight tomorrow, with or without your DP. If he gets up and makes it on time, fine; if not, have a wonderful holiday.

Relax as much as you can and think about what you want to do next. You're right in that you can't "fix" other people, he has to want to do it for himself.

Totally different subject, but I agree with a PP that you might want to try moving towards weaning your DS as you're getting so little sleep. He doesn't really need it nutritionally anymore so it's more habit/comfort than anything else. Your health and well-being is important too.

Dont see the issue people have with views of @Mileysmiley who has obviously worked extremely hard to bring up a family. Every relationship is different so its impossible to say what someone in Op's situation should or shouldn't do for the best.

Organisation is definately at the footing of any family. I know my DH wouldn't put his things in the dirty washing so I know to remind him before he goes to work, as people are rarely perfect.

As a wife having to wash kids cloaths ( which is obviously regular washing) I just can't imagine asking my DH to do his own washing! In fact i'd be fuming if I couldn't get a wash on because he'd just put a load of his work things in and then faffed on trying to put them out to dry, not least because he could of been getting on with one of the jobs that men do genereally tend to be good at.

The fact in our house that i'm expected to wash his cloaths doesn't mean he's lazy in any way shape or form, just as in the same way I'm not lazy because i expect him to do all the home maintenance jobs.

Its no wonder relationships break down leftt right and centre nowadays, kids aren't seeing enough good examples of healthy relationships to sustain them in the future. Thats what I find sad, everyones so entitled.

miley, are you ymf117, too?

Back in the day, women were superwomen. They worked really long hours in a responsible job, then came home to put the dinner on, wash their husbands clothes, play with the toddler and spent all night ironing. As this and no sweat.

I don't know what wrong with the younger generation, I really don't.

Op, I hope he comes home on time, and you manage to go on holiday and have a much needed rest. I’d definitely go without him:
It sounds like he isn’t coping, and the holiday has tipped him over the edge. An alcohol problem as well perhaps?

It may be in your interests to cut your losses if he is not prepared to seek help, otherwise he is likely to ruin your lives by consistently letting you down. Keep us updated.

This man is absolute deadweight OP, and the only thing you can "fix" here is your participation in this pointless relationship.

He's a dickhead & continuing this train wreck of a "relationship" is futile. You & your DC will be infinitely better off without him.

Wonder if he came home. Feels like everything rides on that.

@BitchyArriver

appropriate name !

No I am Mileysmiley I have only been on this site a few weeks and this is the only name I have ever used. Ask mumsnet mods if you dont believe me.

@Coyoacan

No this is my only name on this site.

Did all the late night Stepford weirdos blow in from the States? One can hope.

@Idaho9999

I don't understand why I am being attacked for being a good wife and mother.

I did work when my kids were older and at school but only part time. I still work now part time and will continue to do so for as long as I can.

Hopefully the OP's husband came home put his clothes on speed wash and has now packed them and is ready to go on his holiday with his family.

@ChillinLikeAVillain

I used to be on site which had a load of men who would boast about logging onto mumsnet and attacking the women on there. I am definitely female and a mum,

Not unreasonable at all to expect a grown ass man to pack his own suitcase a day or two before he goes away.

I always pack mine the weekend before to give me time to wash last minute things and because I know I won’t have time the day before.

He is soooooo unreasonable.