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Original poster

DP ruining my holiday already.

258 replies

WhatHoliday · 22/08/2019 23:18

DP has been having a hard time with his mental health recently. To exacerbate this he isn't really seeking help and has been drinking far too much. We're off on holiday with our son (18 months) tomorrow. I'm excited, first holiday together as a family.
I'm off work already, (teacher) but I have been in today to do things for gcse results, but I've also organised all mine and Ds's packing, cancelled the milk, got insurance, euros and made a bag of fun for DS in the plane.

"D"P has just come home at 8pm, dropped the fact that he hasn't washed any of his clothes and needs to do that and pack still, and has basically faffed around for 3 hours, drinking and looking for 1 t shirt. I wanted him to be on baby duty for a couple of hours so I could have a bath, shave my bloody legs and if I was lucky smush a bit of fake tan on. He's done nothing, he's sat here saying he feels that he doesn't deserve the holiday and he's stressed and anxious. I've carried on sorting and packing and now he's "gone out for a pint" so I'm still unbathed, non shaved, pasty white and bloody angry.

His behaviour is so erratic, self-involved and depressing. I read the thread recently about the woman on holiday with her Husband who was behaving horrendously but also had mental health issues and I'm just dreading going.

Not even sure there's an answer for this. Last time he went out at this time he was on a bender for 24 hours, so maybe I'll get to go alone anyway!

OP posts:
confusedat30 · 23/08/2019 00:20

Might be able to offer some insight, ex is recovering addict and alcoholic, he was using about 80% of his life, clean nearly 4 years now we were together 10 with 3 of them being clean, he also had adhd diagnosed as an adult and mental health issues, we have 3 children together. Nothing I said or did could get him clean. Our kids couldn't get him clean. His family being almost bankrupt couldn't do it either. Until he is ready to do it for himself there is nothing you can do. Your dp sounds very much like my ex, broken and in need. The guilt is terrible. But life is short, you can't live with someone who isn't an equal partner, in work, in housework, in parenting, in support. It sounds like you are already resentful. Life is too short to be unhappy in day to day life. Only you can make the decision in what to do next but if the bad outweighs the good then the balance just isn't right and you deserve it to be right xx

Tonnerre · 23/08/2019 00:20

@Mileysmiley, if you didn't do your son's laundry he'd soon work out how to do it himself.

If he refuses to do it, how do you make out he's going to be such a wonderful husband?

stayathomer · 23/08/2019 00:22

Torn between feeling for you and constantly looking at the title of this thread- dp ruining MY holiday. You sound so removed from him already, maybe I'll get a break from him anyway- do you honestly care about him at all? The holiday crap goes on in our house with a load of clothes being left at the last minute, and me doing all the packing etc, but I'd never think ah hopefully he'll eff off anyway so I can enjoy the holiday without him. As for the you always try to fix people, how is any of this being fixed? You both sound like you might be better off single but I could be seeing this wrong

Mileysmiley · 23/08/2019 00:23

@Tonnerre

When I went on my hols he had to do his own laundry and even though I left instruction he managed to wreck a load of T shirts by doing them on a hot wash. He is just not very good at domestic stuff.

katewhinesalot · 23/08/2019 00:23

Who are you thinking of taking at short notice?

Mileysmiley · 23/08/2019 00:24

@stayathomer

Good post

earlgreymarl · 23/08/2019 00:27

@WhatHoliday that is why it's so destructive - they act terribly, no awareness etc and then switch from that to wallowing , crying etc . I think it is controlling behaviour .

I posted about something recently and others told me to look up narcissistic injury and it does seem to fit the bill .

@madcatladyforever I wonder if the male crisis is cos they can't cope actually in the face of a woman "doing it all " or being successful etc and it messes with their brains ( and their egos) so they feel displaced.

Our set up worked better ( for him) when it was traditional / old fashioned and I was at home doing all the caring and home stuff. It's all gone wrong coinciding with me working, now I can no longer put his needs nearer the top and do all the caring stuff I used to .

Lulualla · 23/08/2019 00:28

@Mileysmiley

Women aren't born with the knowledge of how to cook the dinner and work the washing machine. We learn. Men are just as capable. Your daughter obviously learned. Your son hasn't because you're raising him in some horrible stepped fantasy land. He will not be a wonderful husband until you stop treating him like a helpless little baby. Stop waiting on him and he will learn how to do it himself.

Lulualla · 23/08/2019 00:31

OP, whether your husband comes home, stays out or is in no state to travel, I hope you still go on the holiday with your son.

And no matter what, when you come home you should have a serious think about what you want. Your husband is not your responsibility and you cannot help someone who doesn't want the help and who won't help themselves. It will be much less painful for you and your child if you leave and let him get on with it.

PickAChew · 23/08/2019 00:32

Hope you enjoy your holiday, @WhatHoliday, whether he tags along or not.

I had an ex with MH and addiction issues who would often try to sabotage things. It did become necessary to detach, for my own sanity because entangled with the genuine low mood was an awful lot of manipulation - he was determined to spell it out to me that I should be responsible for his happiness.

Maybe, if he doesn't show up by the time you have to leave for the flight, a bit of time without him will give you time to reflect on whether you really do need him as part of your day to day.

I know I was glad to burn my Martyr Bra (love that!)

Mileysmiley · 23/08/2019 00:36

@Lulualla

I hear what you are saying but you are not in my shoes and I find it easier to do his cleaning because he works full time and I work at home from my computer. If I left it to him the house would be a complete mess and it is my home after all.

Mileysmiley · 23/08/2019 00:36

If I left him to it

Lulualla · 23/08/2019 00:38

@Mileysmiley

Here's the solution for you... Your chuck it all into his room. House lovely and tidy, and all his washing and belongings just on his bedroom floor for him to deal with.

You're not doing him any favours by the way you run the house now. And he will be the one who pays the price when he eventually does move out and realises he cannot function without his mummy.

quitefranklyivehadenough · 23/08/2019 00:42

OP I hope you have a great holiday-even if that means going without him. You cannot help those who will not help themselves xx

Mileysmiley · 23/08/2019 00:45

@Lulualla

I think he may be on the spectrum but I can't make him take a test to prove it because he would be devastated if he was. He is extremely clever and has played musical instruments since he was a small child. He gets anxious about silly things and worries he is going to have a heart attack when he is probably having a panic attack. My husband and I worry about him all the time ....

JiltedJohnsJulie · 23/08/2019 00:48

Has he replied to your text yet OP?

I have a serious lack of compassion for people who act like this, fail to see the damage they are causing and fail to get help for themselves.

BlackCatSleeping · 23/08/2019 00:53

@Mileysmiley

Actually you are derailing the thread and being extremely rude. If you want to talk about yourself so much, start your own thread, eh? The OP has enough to deal with.

OP, I think you should just leave him to it. You can’t fix him. Just continue as you would if he wasn’t there, even if that means going on holiday without him. Tell him that he needs to make an appointment with the GP and sort himself out or it’s over. It’s harsh, but what else can you do? You can let him drag you both down.

Mileysmiley · 23/08/2019 00:56

OP enjoy your hols I am off to my american sites now >>>>>>>>

Mileysmiley · 23/08/2019 00:57

@BlackCatSleeping

why don't you go to bed and stop being a pain in the neck >>>>>>>

JiltedJohnsJulie · 23/08/2019 01:03

OP enjoy your hols I am off to my american sites now. Excellent news.

Mileysmiley · 23/08/2019 01:05

@JiltedJohnsJulie

Who made you the new mod on here Jules??

Mileysmiley · 23/08/2019 01:07

If the OP asks me to leave I will after all it is her thread!

I was just reading but because of the catty comments I have returned

Dljlr · 23/08/2019 01:14

Op you're absolutely right, he should be asking your fucking washing. If he's on a bender go without him. I've single parented whilst married and single parented after I kicked him out. The latter is far more fun.

Mileysmiley maybe take some time out from talking about yourself incessantly, see how that feels.

Dljlr · 23/08/2019 01:15

Doing, not asking. Autocorrect is a nobber.

Mileysmiley · 23/08/2019 01:21

@Dljlr

I only answered questions that were aimed at me

One last thing I will confront anyone in my real life who says something I don't agree with and I don't pretend to be what I am not on a open forum

Have a good night ladies and Gents (yes there are men on this thread pretending to be women)