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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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DP ruining my holiday already.

258 replies

WhatHoliday · 22/08/2019 23:18

DP has been having a hard time with his mental health recently. To exacerbate this he isn't really seeking help and has been drinking far too much. We're off on holiday with our son (18 months) tomorrow. I'm excited, first holiday together as a family.
I'm off work already, (teacher) but I have been in today to do things for gcse results, but I've also organised all mine and Ds's packing, cancelled the milk, got insurance, euros and made a bag of fun for DS in the plane.

"D"P has just come home at 8pm, dropped the fact that he hasn't washed any of his clothes and needs to do that and pack still, and has basically faffed around for 3 hours, drinking and looking for 1 t shirt. I wanted him to be on baby duty for a couple of hours so I could have a bath, shave my bloody legs and if I was lucky smush a bit of fake tan on. He's done nothing, he's sat here saying he feels that he doesn't deserve the holiday and he's stressed and anxious. I've carried on sorting and packing and now he's "gone out for a pint" so I'm still unbathed, non shaved, pasty white and bloody angry.

His behaviour is so erratic, self-involved and depressing. I read the thread recently about the woman on holiday with her Husband who was behaving horrendously but also had mental health issues and I'm just dreading going.

Not even sure there's an answer for this. Last time he went out at this time he was on a bender for 24 hours, so maybe I'll get to go alone anyway!

OP posts:
WhatHoliday · 22/08/2019 23:50

Thank you for the wise and strong words people. I'm really not a doormat, I know I have A tendency to try and fix people but I'm aware of it, and am actively trying to become more balanced in myself so as not to pass my issues onto DS.

I'm fake tanning now. Fingers crossed that DS doesn't wake til it's dry!

OP posts:
WhatHoliday · 22/08/2019 23:52

Yes @Mileysmiley volunteering at a school is entirely akin to running one. Hmm

OP posts:
earlgreymarl · 22/08/2019 23:53

Sending tanning vibes! Good luck OP. 💐

JLouise95 · 22/08/2019 23:55

What would he say if you said "no DP maybe you don't deserve a holiday, but I bloody do and you're ruining it, pull your finger out now"? Or just not acknowledge it?

Maybe an ultimatum? Get help for mh or you'll have to leave you can't cope anymore having two children

madcatladyforever · 23/08/2019 00:00

I don't understand why so many men behave like this. Are we having some kind of male crisis or has it always been like this? Mystified.

WhatHoliday · 23/08/2019 00:02

Ha @Mileysmiley that's the one I'm using.

Pp that mentioned about shifts. Yes, so much like having a second child and absolutely the team aspect hasn't evolved as I imagined.

Pp that said about ultimatums, I've been there, having done some reading recently, particularly to do with alcoholism it suggests that rather than set ultimatums that you are really clear about your own boundaries, it's pretty much the same thing. But to be honest it's just ended up driving him to drinking elsewhere and not coming home.

Everytime he does something stupid I think- this is it, I'm out. Only two weeks ago, I stayed at my friends for two days with DS and asked him to leave, but when I spoke to him, he was just so broken, he loves DS and potentially me so much and he's had a fucking horrible life, I just feel like how can I take his son away too after everything else.

OP posts:
Angiemum24 · 23/08/2019 00:02

He doesn’t have a mental health problem he has a drinking problem

WhatHoliday · 23/08/2019 00:03

@Angiemum24
I used to think that, I do think it's both, and they are intertwined. It's hard to tell though, if he didn't drink would he be able to process his feelings better- more than likely.

OP posts:
VanGoghsDog · 23/08/2019 00:04

@Mileysmiley

If your daughter has a toddler and a very successful career she must have been born in the last century, actually. Not all your views can be from oust 2019, so some are from the last century. 😊

DishingOutDone · 23/08/2019 00:05

Although @Mileysmiley is fucking hilarious, don't let them derail your thread OP.

Mileysmiley · 23/08/2019 00:05

@madcatladyforever

I blame their mothers which includes me. I always vowed I would make my son could use a washing machine, iron his own clothes and clean his room .... You guessed it ... he still lives at home and I do all his laundry etc. The other day I even took his car to be valeted .... Sorry ladies I am one of the women who is to blame lol

Having said that my son is kind and respectful towards women and would make an excellent husband and father.

Mileysmiley · 23/08/2019 00:06

make sure

Mileysmiley · 23/08/2019 00:07

@DishingOutDone

I am not derailing any thread I am just giving a different opinion on the OPs dilema.

Mileysmiley · 23/08/2019 00:08

@VanGoghsDog

She had a successful career which she is taking a break from to care for her toddler ... she will return to work once he starts school

Longdistance · 23/08/2019 00:09

www.google.co.uk/search?q=your+lack+of+planning+does+not&client=safari&prmd=isnv&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjOjoKBzJfkAhWnwAIHHc5GC1AQ_AUoAXoECA0QAQ&biw=414&bih=622&dpr=3#imgrc=zHP1S8zGMXPFjM

I hope this cheers you up op?

On a serious note, he really needs to seek help. I’d be off if he didn’t. Ultimatum time I think.

Whoopstheregomyinsides · 23/08/2019 00:11

Was it my thread you read? If so you have my total sympathy. I did all the prep for boys and myself but he did do his own packing - you shouldn’t touch his stuff and definitely go without him if you want to. Really, going for drinks before packing is selfish on another level but I get it because we are somehow, some of us built to not think we deserve more

WhatHoliday · 23/08/2019 00:11

Well he would have had a pint by now, I've text asking when he's planning on coming back, we're leaving at 8am!

Or I'm leaving at 8am

Just read that you can change the name on an EasyJet flight up to 2 hours before you fly.

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 23/08/2019 00:11

It may not be his fault that he has had a hard life and is depressed but that's not a free pass for him to be a relentless burden on you and DC. If he isn't seeking help but prefers to sit around whining/drinking, then you need to boot him out before he drags the pair of you down.

Mileysmiley · 23/08/2019 00:14

On a lighter note

DP ruining my holiday already.
Whoops75 · 23/08/2019 00:14

Op

Go on the holiday with or without him

X

Tonnerre · 23/08/2019 00:16

He enjoyed driving us on holiday so I would let him drive us there

So he can't have been that tired, then.

If you want your son to be an excellent husband and father, show him where the washing machine is and make him use it.

Mileysmiley · 23/08/2019 00:17

Enjoy your hols OP and if he does come he could always buy some new T shirts when he gets there.

Lumene · 23/08/2019 00:19

Mileysmiley are you drunk?

Mileysmiley · 23/08/2019 00:19

@Tonnerre

You can lead a cow to water but you can't make it drink.

I have tried believe me ... what is bad is my husband also waits on him. My daughter gets really angry with us because she left home at 18 and has always looked after herself.

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