Dating thread 167: Help, I need somebody - but not just anybody

[CassettesAreCool]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you. 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Appswww.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

bats - yes, I'm afraid so. In fairness, her profile states her true a the picture is, shall we say, misleading.

Shit I expect he is panicking, and unthinkingly lashing out at you. I was on a date when I got a phone call saying my DD had been taken into hospital. Needless to say, my date got short changed, but I did it in a "sorry, but I have to deal with this" manner.

Should read "true age"...

@shitwithsugaron he’s been a bit of a plonked in the past too no? Yes I totally get he’s stressed but really that doesn’t sound pleasant. He seems to bash you a lot! I’d back off

@shitwithsugaron you mentioned he has MH issues? And was there a silent treatment issue? Ummm. I think it's easy to brush something off in a circumstance like this....but I wouldn't entirely brush it under the carpet. If he copes with stress by being a dick to the people who are trying to offer help and support - i'd say that's a problem for a LTR

shiwith it's not you being a twat, you shouldn't be the brunt of his stress.
Like Bats said if he's not upto speaking properly then he shouldn't be reaching out to you first. Leave him to it, but it sounds like another chat is needed once things have calmed down. I know he's been pretty receptive in the past, so I'd hope he will be again. If it was me I'd let him off this time knowing it's a stressful situation, but he needs to know you won't keep reminding him forever about how he speaks to you when times are tough.

Shit while I’d give him a little leeway, sadly it’s also a warning sign of how he may behave if he’s stressed with issue in a future relationship. Most people manage stress with only the odd “snap” followed by an apology if they are a good person. I’d be wary.

I agree with @Ant330 You should also have an agreement of what happens he does this next time otherwise this loop will continue

@shitwithsugaron Hugs for you, but this does seem to be how he reacts to stressful situations - he doesn't shut down, he lashes out, but dealing with a hospitalised child has got to be right up there for being worried sick. I don't think any good will come of trying to discuss how he is treating your offers of support whilst he's in the thick of the current crisis. I'd leave it until everything has settled, then broach it along the lines of you understand how scared and stressed he was, but you're not his whipping boy. Rule 12 lovely 🌻

@Sunshineandflipflops Good luck for your date tonight, you really seem to have clicked with him.

@AverageGuy Perils of OLD. I got caught out twice with very old photos of irons I net up with - both at least 10 years out of date - one of them had gone bald in between his profile pic and meeting, and it wasn't a buzz cut. I nearly started asking for a current photo with them holding a copy of that day's newspaper - I jest! I stalked them on Facebook/Linked In instead 😳

@ant330 Where are you at with MsHair/HF - I predicted she wouldn't let you go that easily- she knows a good guy when she sees him. Did you let MissShort(?) down gently - sorry if I missed the update but I've been away for a week.

Still loved up with MrC and he's talking about our plans for Christmas, so I'm taking that as a good sign. Annoying Beach Lady barely registers on my radar on more. She still WhatsApps him about mundane stuff, but she doesn't turn up at his house half as much now, though she made him a roast a couple of weeks ago and put a plate in the fridge for me to have when I arrived in the evening after she left - I gave it to the dogs in case she'd spat in it 🙈😂

Meanwhile I’ve been an arse and spoken to someone I had an amazing connection with but we called it. And I’m now back to square one on the moving on thing

Can someone let me PM them something and so an interpretation please? Preferably someone that lives REALLY far away from the North so I know you aren’t him

Hey @WhatWhyWhen I'm around and live in the midlands if that's any help?

@JeSuisPrest Yes, we really seem to have but I know until you meet it doesn't necessarily mean anything. He is so nervous and keeps messaging me about it, which is sweet and funny!

Because of his AA membership he is very open and honest, which is really refreshing after MrSAS.

shitwith he should count himself lucky that you give a f*. When my DC was rushed in with leukaemia, everyone I knew ‘stepped back to give me some space’ ie left me to it! I changed as a person after that. Don’t seek support, but be gracious if it’s offered.

@shitwithsugaron You are right, it must be really worrying for him but a "thanks for thinking of me but I'm not in the right place to talk right now...I'll let you know when I am" would be better than snappy replies to genuine concern and care.

I'd maybe send something like "you are obviously very worried and tired so I'll be here when you are ready" and then step back a bit.

@Sunshineandflipflops I have no idea why but I have a good feeling about the new man. Like you say his honesty is so refreshing after mr sas. Try and loo update.

@CassettesAreCool that is awful. They do say you find out who your friends are in a crisis. I think same can be said about a split! A lot of people just don’t care.

Thanks sunshine I’ve PMd you my insanity don’t judge me 😂🙄

Jesuis glad to hear everything still going swimmingly with MrC.
Yes I let MissTiny down gently, and although disappointed she said she appreciated the honesty.
MissHF and I met up on Sunday and are going to take it one step at a time. Not really sure how I feel about it tbh but we'll see.

@WhatWhyWhen I've replied :-)

@ccgirr thank you. I'm not one to get carried away with myself but I'm not sure I've felt so excited about meeting someone before. Excited and nervous at the same time.
For me to be going on a sober date...I must like him!

Ok I've joined Ok Cupid and there are some seriously good looking men on there, much better than the other sites so I'm now wondering whether to a: pay to view all my likes or b: just wait for someone to message me. I've seen many profiles say they don't have the like option ie haven't paid, so just to message them. But is this the same as Bumble, ie I'll pay then find all my likes are not my type or a gazillion miles away?

Best of luck on the date sunshine 😊

I'm finally meeting the iron I let down gently whilst I was going on dates with MrTall&Beardy. We are going for a drink tonight. Hes insisted on coming the whole hours drive over to my town despite me offering to meet half way. He does know the town well though as grew up here. I shall now name him MrSea

Ok I thought I might post for a handhold, but I feel surprisingly good actually.
Just had an hours chat with an iron who after a week of intermittent chatting has been honest enough to say he is looking for NSA sex and it's clear I'm after more.
I tried to say I'd settle for NSA because he is gorgeous and the chemistry is, er, proven but we discussed it and to my surprise I withdrew the offer, because my boundaries felt more important.
You learn something new every day. I can't block him though, some tiny hope he changes his mind because I am THE prize...