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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is it my business? How to help man being pushed out of baby's life.

284 replies

ForfarFourFifeFive · 19/08/2019 12:10

I'm going to be deliberately vague for obvious reasons.
I'm writing on behalf of a small group of concerned people who want what is best for the baby, and who we see as a wronged, innocent man.

A female acquaintance/associate/family member had a baby several months ago. Her first baby, and her last chance at motherhood (age reasons). She is not with the father. She has told people that he is not interested. The story didn't add up from various people we know who have all mentioned conflicting info that she/some members of her family give. One of us vaguely knows the father (small town) and found him on Fb. From looking at his fb, he is indeed desperate to see the baby, and is devastated. As are his parents. He has sought legal action and things seem to be progressing but he has still not been allowed to see his child. We don't think he knows where his child is, as we know the mother has moved to a relative's home. Of course, there is a remote chance this is justified and he's been violent, but we really don't believe this is the case, and knowing the mother, she grabbed a chance to get pregnant, and never planned to involve the sperm-donor. We believe he did not know he was being used as a sperm donor. Lesson learned for him and all our sons.

I am sad for him, and we are wondering if it is our place to reach out to him and be supportive, even if there is nothing we can do. I want him to know he has people on his side, even though we are related/acquainted to the mother/mother's family.
One reason we don't believe he was violent or that her actions are justified is because she finally invited him to the town she is hiding in, only to set him up on a wild goose chase as once he had paid for his transport and accommodation, a day before he was set to go, she told him she wasn't there. Being a small town, people are talking, and NO ONE believes he has it in him to be violent. We accept we can't always know people though, of course. But he seems a nice, meek, mild-mannered man. Our experience of the woman is that she manipulated things and only ever wanted a baby to herself.
Now, the crux. When the courts finally grant him access, the mother has put a huge obstacle in the way by making plans to move hundreds of miles away, necessitating either a flight or a ferry ride as well as a long car journey meaning it will be very difficult for the father to see his child - if the courts allow him every other weekend, it is feasibly financially impossible for him to make it to see his child this often, based solely on the mother's actions to deliberately distance themselves from him geographically. She is stating she's moving for quality of life. No one believes this. She is moving to keep that baby to herself.

Can the courts insist she not move? She has set it up to look like she has been living there since the baby was a newborn, but we know she has not been up there except for a few trips. (Her family have a holiday home there, and a spare home in her hometown, so she has options.)

Sorry it's long. I feel so sad for him, his family, and for some men in general who have this happen to them, and don't feel we should be silent when women behave like this.

OP posts:
Hotterthanahotthing · 19/08/2019 15:12

If you all think it's so wrong OP why aren't you donating money to him to help in a practical way.
My given reasons for leaving my ex were varied depending on who I spoke to.If people got together it would have been contradictory.If someone nasty was involved they could have made me sound like a horrible person.This is because only my solicitor and go knew the truth.
This couple didn't live together did they do what is the rubbish about starting a family?
Getting a DNA test through the courts isn't expensive and only takes a few months to arrange.I don't think this man has been trying that hard.
The thing you don't mention is how this child is,well brought up,happy.You know her so well you must know this about a toddler.

PancakeAndKeith · 19/08/2019 15:14

Parent. I’m sorry for what happened to you.
I’m so sorry that as a man you couldn’t get support. I’m sorry that you feel that if you posted on here that no one would believe you.

If you had posted on here to say you were being abused I would have said ‘I believe you’.
However if someone posted on here and said ‘my friend Parent says that his wife is abusing him but I know she wouldn’t do that’ my answer would be the same as to the op.
No one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

hammeringinmyhead · 19/08/2019 15:25

I don't know how you get that we all think she is right in her actions from people saying that a) you cannot offer any practical help, whether you shared a womb with this woman or brushed hands with her once over the potato salad at a family BBQ and b) that you do not have all the information.

Seriously, are you going to tie her to a chair? Wave a placard somewhere? Do a Daily Mail sadface article?

GilbertMarkham · 19/08/2019 15:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

GilbertMarkham · 19/08/2019 15:30

*done to you

PancakeAndKeith · 19/08/2019 15:33

Also you don't a clue about his charvater, you don't know him from Adam.

Keep up, the story has changed from one of the other people the the op knows met him once to the op being such great friends with this man that they can vouch for his character and KNOWS that he is a great bloke.

MsPavlichenko · 19/08/2019 15:40

Even if your suspicions are correct. Who would you " speak up" to? It is with the courts. Hopefully the outcome will be in the best interests of the DC.

DioneTheDiabolist · 19/08/2019 15:53

From the OP's post at 14:03: No, 53, I know him through friends of friends, I don't know him to talk with.

The OP doesnt know this man. She doesnt talk to him, but she knows the mum, doesnt like her and that is apparently enough.Hmm

TooTrueToBeGood · 19/08/2019 16:06

Is the kangaroo alright?

NeedingAdvice29 · 19/08/2019 16:22

You do realise that physical violence isn’t the only type of abuse to happen in a relationship right...? Get a life and leave that woman and man alone. If it’s taking so long through the courts then that’s tough shit, he should have refused to have a child with someone he wasn’t even living with.

DioneTheDiabolist · 19/08/2019 16:24

The kangaroo is tickety boo and running the court in the outback villiage where this scheming, demon mother lives.

redcarbluecar · 19/08/2019 16:28

Don’t think there’s anything you can do about this, except offer emotional support if you get the chance, but if the situation is indeed as you believe I hope that he pushes hard through the courts and gets what he deserves, whatever that is.

NameChangeNugget · 19/08/2019 16:34

Don’t be a sticky beak.

This isn’t your party

Parent999 · 19/08/2019 17:10

“If it’s taking so long through the courts then that’s tough shit, he should have refused to have a child with someone he wasn’t even living with.”

Well that’s it, I’ve lost what little faith I did have. Now I know why no one stood up to my ex. I deserved it for having a child with her.
I do hope you don’t say that to an abuse victim, “tough shit, you shouldn’t have married them”

Gingerivy · 19/08/2019 17:12

How is this not the very definition of gaslighting? trying to convince someone they dont know what they claim to be certain of.

I merely want to point out that my ex's friends and relatives claimed that they 100% knew that I was deliberately being difficult and was withholding the dcs from him. They were also 100% certain he was not violent.

Yet they knew I left him because he was abusive to both myself and our dcs. I offered him supervised visitation elsewhere (on advice of solicitor and social services after asking them) and he refused. He wanted to come visit them in my home, so that I would have to be there and so that he would then have access to me and the dcs. I had initially allowed that, but the abuse just continued, even with MIL present, so I had to discontinue that. And still his family and friends insisted I was at fault, because they couldn't accept that he was abusive, even when seeing it with their own eyes - they'd say "oh men, they're like that" or "he's just tired" and so on.

Obviously I don't know the details of the couple you're referring to, however, just because family members are saying it's 100% certain, remember that they are taking his or her word on it, which may or may not be the truth. My ex told everyone that would listen to him how I was deliberately withholding the dcs from him. It was a lie. Of course, he also said he was paying child maintenance. That was a lie, too.

Frith2013 · 19/08/2019 17:18

A couple of do-gooder, nosey parker, tittle-tattle, oh, the poor menz, tiny village, no life FUCKING WANKERS stepped in to write character witness letters for my ex husband.

What a great father he was...

As I sat in a women’s refuge trying to start to re-build my and my children’s lives. As he extended his massive criminal record.

But, yeah, do go ahead...

Siablue · 19/08/2019 17:28

Parent999 I am the poster whose abusive husband is threatening to take my child away if I leave. You posted a comment on my thread that was deleted. I am sorry to hear what has happened to you but that doesn’t mean it’s ok to post nasty things to women who are suffering abuse.

It is hard to advise the OP in this thread as she won’t say how she was connected to the people in question. If she was to say the man in question was her brother she would likely get a lot of sympathy. If is a random man she has never said two words as it seems to be then what can she do other than mind her own business as she knows nothing about the private lives of these people.

NeedingAdvice29 · 19/08/2019 17:30

@Parent999 it is tough shit, he impregnated someone he wasn’t in a committed relationship with. It’s bloody stupid and it definitely is his fault he didn’t make sure they were in a loving, long term relationship first.

NeedingAdvice29 · 19/08/2019 17:31

Also, why would I say tough shit to an abuse victim who had no choice in how they were treated? Bloody barmy. The man in question chose to have a baby with someone he didn’t even live with, that’s bloody stupid

RantyAnty · 19/08/2019 17:31

You're his new GF?

You and your nosy mates need to stay out of it.

You have no idea what is really going on. For all you know she is fleeing because he is a psychopathic twat and you'd be putting them in danger.

He is a grown up...a big boy ya know. He can take her to court and get visitation and such just like every other man or woman does.

And please get a job, hobby, take a holiday, volunteer at an animal shelter or something as what you're doing is rather creepy and disturbing.

twattymctwatterson · 19/08/2019 17:37

You sound insane.

Parent999 · 19/08/2019 17:40

Assume your ex had succeeded and taken your child hundreds of miles away. These posters could be talking about you and people who might/might not know you.

My deleted post suggested that that neither parent should plot to remove a child.
If posters here are allowed to berate all men because of their own experience aren’t I allowed to advocate fathers in their children’s lives due to mine.

What worries me the most is that if someone like op had tried to support me they’d have been told to mind their own business and “keep their fucking beak out”
Just like abusers they like to isolate you from everyone and any support.

PancakeAndKeith · 19/08/2019 18:00

If posters here are allowed to berate all men because of their own experience

Where has anyone berated men? Where is this said that it is all men? What people have said is that no one, and certainly not the op, know what goes on in a relationship.

Siablue · 19/08/2019 18:08

My deleted post said that neither parent should plot to remove a child.

Leaving an abusive relationship and getting a restraining order is not the same as threatening to take a child away from the other parent as a form of control. Children have a right to be protected from abuse whether the abusing parent is male or female.

I realise I am now detailing the thread.

Woodlandwitch · 19/08/2019 18:09

You really do not know what has gone on behind closed doors

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