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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is it my business? How to help man being pushed out of baby's life.

284 replies

ForfarFourFifeFive · 19/08/2019 12:10

I'm going to be deliberately vague for obvious reasons.
I'm writing on behalf of a small group of concerned people who want what is best for the baby, and who we see as a wronged, innocent man.

A female acquaintance/associate/family member had a baby several months ago. Her first baby, and her last chance at motherhood (age reasons). She is not with the father. She has told people that he is not interested. The story didn't add up from various people we know who have all mentioned conflicting info that she/some members of her family give. One of us vaguely knows the father (small town) and found him on Fb. From looking at his fb, he is indeed desperate to see the baby, and is devastated. As are his parents. He has sought legal action and things seem to be progressing but he has still not been allowed to see his child. We don't think he knows where his child is, as we know the mother has moved to a relative's home. Of course, there is a remote chance this is justified and he's been violent, but we really don't believe this is the case, and knowing the mother, she grabbed a chance to get pregnant, and never planned to involve the sperm-donor. We believe he did not know he was being used as a sperm donor. Lesson learned for him and all our sons.

I am sad for him, and we are wondering if it is our place to reach out to him and be supportive, even if there is nothing we can do. I want him to know he has people on his side, even though we are related/acquainted to the mother/mother's family.
One reason we don't believe he was violent or that her actions are justified is because she finally invited him to the town she is hiding in, only to set him up on a wild goose chase as once he had paid for his transport and accommodation, a day before he was set to go, she told him she wasn't there. Being a small town, people are talking, and NO ONE believes he has it in him to be violent. We accept we can't always know people though, of course. But he seems a nice, meek, mild-mannered man. Our experience of the woman is that she manipulated things and only ever wanted a baby to herself.
Now, the crux. When the courts finally grant him access, the mother has put a huge obstacle in the way by making plans to move hundreds of miles away, necessitating either a flight or a ferry ride as well as a long car journey meaning it will be very difficult for the father to see his child - if the courts allow him every other weekend, it is feasibly financially impossible for him to make it to see his child this often, based solely on the mother's actions to deliberately distance themselves from him geographically. She is stating she's moving for quality of life. No one believes this. She is moving to keep that baby to herself.

Can the courts insist she not move? She has set it up to look like she has been living there since the baby was a newborn, but we know she has not been up there except for a few trips. (Her family have a holiday home there, and a spare home in her hometown, so she has options.)

Sorry it's long. I feel so sad for him, his family, and for some men in general who have this happen to them, and don't feel we should be silent when women behave like this.

OP posts:
SaskiaRembrandt · 19/08/2019 18:26

We live in the outback, Keith, and public transport isn't what it used to be. A kangaroo crashed into the twins' shared car yesterday so I've offered to pick them up tonight, save them hitchhiking.

if this didn't come across as blatant bullshit before this little gem really nails it. I can not believe anyone is falling for this.
Get a new hobby, OP, because you're crap at making shit up on the internet.

AnyFucker · 19/08/2019 18:27

I am not "berating men". I am calling out op, who (allegedly), is a woman.

SparklyMagpie · 19/08/2019 19:21

Wait, you say he's paying CSA?

PancakeAndKeith · 19/08/2019 19:33

Saskia. The op says that the whole twins, living in Australia, kangaroo carry on is bullshit.
However we are meant to believe every other thing they say.

Mom2K · 19/08/2019 19:51

Only read the original post but this is ridiculous. This is NONE of your business, keep your nose out of it.

If you were to stalk my ex's fb he would come off as a caring and interested father also, because he likes to brag and get attention where it isn't deserved. My ex (when he lived locally to us) never bothered to show up for his scheduled visits and even though that was regularly the case I constantly had emails and texts off him demanding more access (presumably to make it look like he wanted the kids and make me look like the bad guy).

This past year he didn't even call the kids for several months/weeks but decided to call right before Father's Day and remind the kids that it was Father's day that weekend and then put pics up of himself and the kids on Father's Day Hmm. He also isn't paying any child support and due to the fact that he is a mentally unstable sex addict - it would be in the children's best interest if he would just leave them alone (which I fully believe he would have done if not for his mother's constant meddling and forcing him to be in touch). And no one knows what an abusive perverted freak my ex is because I have not made it a point to go public with it and none of his friends or family would know unless I said so. So you don't know anything about the man you are speaking of either, or what is actually best for that baby.

Seriously you and your friends/family stay out of it.

Mypetsnails · 19/08/2019 19:53

What a shocking thread. It's hard to belive that such a malicious, creepy bunch of busybodies exist. Keep your noses out of other people's business. If I was the mother and I found out what you were doing, I'd take you apart

Lunde · 19/08/2019 20:06

You need to keep out of it - you really have no idea what is going on.

I know of at least one case where a controlling, violent man has encouraged gullible people on social media to help the stalk an ex - posing as a distressed father whose "evil ex" is preventing contact. In the (nonUK) case that I know about "helpful" facebook bods helped him to track down the victims of his violence, in breach of a nonMol order - and the ex and kids were forced to move and live under hidden identities for their own safety.

PancakeAndKeith · 19/08/2019 20:24

In the (nonUK) case that I know about "helpful" facebook bods helped him to track down the victims of his violence

This is why you should never share anything asking to track down missing child that isn’t from the police.

Parent999 · 19/08/2019 20:27

Mypetsnails

“What a shocking thread. It's hard to belive that such a malicious, creepy bunch of busybodies exist. Keep your noses out of other people's business. If I was the mother and I found out what you were doing, I'd take you apart”

Ah, so I think I understand now, the vast majority of posters are women and mothers who likely believe the children belong to them. Believing they have the right to do what they please, hate that someone might stand up to them removing the father. You guys think this mother should be allowed to completely remove the father without any resistance right? No matter how nice he might be it’s still the mothers right?

burnyburny · 19/08/2019 20:32

@Parent999 it's up to the father to create
resistance. Via the courts.

Parent999 · 19/08/2019 20:35

Honest to God how is it everyone on MN has complete faith in the family courts all of a sudden.

IABUQueen · 19/08/2019 20:35

Teach your sons to not have kids with women they hardly know or met their families... I think that should be the moral of the story

HillRunner · 19/08/2019 20:38

This is a million miles away from being any of your business. You have no idea what has gone on, and are trying to get involved for some quite spurious, creepy and unpleasant reasons.

Get your gossip elsewhere and leave them all the fuck alone.

IABUQueen · 19/08/2019 20:45

Op you can’t base things on gossip...and Facebook.

If you had solid facts it might be different. But really you need to let the courts deal with it.

If he has the right to be with his child the courts will insist she doesn’t take baby abroad

burnyburny · 19/08/2019 20:45

I've more faith in the courts than I do in the OP, given her sketchy recollection of what's actually going on.

Parent999 · 19/08/2019 20:45

Well I can say this, if I got wind that someone was trying to remove a child from their father I would not only tell him but advise him how to get a prohibitive steps order. Until the law and society changes, unfortunate men are going to have to keep fighting for their kids even the face of the vitriol spite on this thread.

burnyburny · 19/08/2019 20:47

He's got a lawyer. I don't think your advice would be required Hmm

IABUQueen · 19/08/2019 20:48

parent and how might you be sure your not infringing on the rights of women who you have no clue what they’ve been through and they don’t owe you an explanation?

Parent999 · 19/08/2019 20:56

And fathers rights come second? Or do they factor at all?

AnyFucker · 19/08/2019 21:05

@Parent999 is your Batman costume pinching ?

I am sure there is a bridge missing some dickhead climbing it

Parent999 · 19/08/2019 21:07

Righto, I thank God I didn’t come here for support when I was close to suicide.

AnyFucker · 19/08/2019 21:13

@Parent999 serious question

When you were contemplating suicide did you think for one moment about how that would affect the child(ren) you were so convinced needed you in their life ?

Or was it all about you ? Your hurt. Your despair. Your sense of injustice. Your....well, everything really.

Siablue · 19/08/2019 21:13

Parent999’s hobby is posting on the threads of women who are experiencing domestic abuse telling them they shouldn’t take their children away from their dads.

Parent999 · 19/08/2019 21:16

That’s a serious question? No thanks, I realise this is the last place I should open up or show any vulnerability.

PancakeAndKeith · 19/08/2019 21:16

If you had Parent you most likely would have got support.

However on this thread you are refusing to listen or comprehend what people are saying.
This thread isn’t to support you.