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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is it my business? How to help man being pushed out of baby's life.

284 replies

ForfarFourFifeFive · 19/08/2019 12:10

I'm going to be deliberately vague for obvious reasons.
I'm writing on behalf of a small group of concerned people who want what is best for the baby, and who we see as a wronged, innocent man.

A female acquaintance/associate/family member had a baby several months ago. Her first baby, and her last chance at motherhood (age reasons). She is not with the father. She has told people that he is not interested. The story didn't add up from various people we know who have all mentioned conflicting info that she/some members of her family give. One of us vaguely knows the father (small town) and found him on Fb. From looking at his fb, he is indeed desperate to see the baby, and is devastated. As are his parents. He has sought legal action and things seem to be progressing but he has still not been allowed to see his child. We don't think he knows where his child is, as we know the mother has moved to a relative's home. Of course, there is a remote chance this is justified and he's been violent, but we really don't believe this is the case, and knowing the mother, she grabbed a chance to get pregnant, and never planned to involve the sperm-donor. We believe he did not know he was being used as a sperm donor. Lesson learned for him and all our sons.

I am sad for him, and we are wondering if it is our place to reach out to him and be supportive, even if there is nothing we can do. I want him to know he has people on his side, even though we are related/acquainted to the mother/mother's family.
One reason we don't believe he was violent or that her actions are justified is because she finally invited him to the town she is hiding in, only to set him up on a wild goose chase as once he had paid for his transport and accommodation, a day before he was set to go, she told him she wasn't there. Being a small town, people are talking, and NO ONE believes he has it in him to be violent. We accept we can't always know people though, of course. But he seems a nice, meek, mild-mannered man. Our experience of the woman is that she manipulated things and only ever wanted a baby to herself.
Now, the crux. When the courts finally grant him access, the mother has put a huge obstacle in the way by making plans to move hundreds of miles away, necessitating either a flight or a ferry ride as well as a long car journey meaning it will be very difficult for the father to see his child - if the courts allow him every other weekend, it is feasibly financially impossible for him to make it to see his child this often, based solely on the mother's actions to deliberately distance themselves from him geographically. She is stating she's moving for quality of life. No one believes this. She is moving to keep that baby to herself.

Can the courts insist she not move? She has set it up to look like she has been living there since the baby was a newborn, but we know she has not been up there except for a few trips. (Her family have a holiday home there, and a spare home in her hometown, so she has options.)

Sorry it's long. I feel so sad for him, his family, and for some men in general who have this happen to them, and don't feel we should be silent when women behave like this.

OP posts:
Thingsdogetbetter · 19/08/2019 13:56

OP is being sarcastic about the twins people!

53rdWay · 19/08/2019 13:57

So you've gone from "one of us vaguely knows the father (small town) and found him on Fb" and "we are wondering if it is our place to reach out to him", to saying that actually you know him really really well already and you can be 100% sure of exactly everything he's done and said? right.

Well in that case... there is still nothing you can do about it. Yes, if if if everything you believe is true is actually true, then it is sad for him and for the child. But what do you think a posse of 'concerned people' is going to do to change things? You think the courts are going to come and ask you what should happen?

PancakeAndKeith · 19/08/2019 13:57

Op is making all this bullshit up, Things.

Lucafritz · 19/08/2019 13:58

Mind your own business!
Two sides to every story and you seem to only have gossip and heresay to go on. Worry about your own kids and leave her be you don't know what the relationship was like or why he has been denied access!
How many of us know a "Disney dad" irl who will go around saying they were robbed of their child or can't see them yet they won't pay child support for said child or make an effort ✋✋
Take off your rose tinted glasses OP men aren't all they make out to be.

Parent999 · 19/08/2019 13:59

Gaslighting on a mass scale.

If you cant paint the woman as a victim and the man an abuser then attack the OPs story.

ForfarFourFifeFive · 19/08/2019 14:00

We live in the outback, Keith, and public transport isn't what it used to be. A kangaroo crashed into the twins' shared car yesterday so I've offered to pick them up tonight, save them hitchhiking.

All in the OP was relevant but I guess it could be condensed down to the fact that we know she tricked him, he is being denied access, and what can we do to change her mind and help him, we know he is being wronged. I am not the man. I am related to the woman. Sorry to say. And it IS impacting me/all our family as people know she's acting horribly and wondering why we seem ok with it. In rl I have butted out, but I feel ashamed, I really do, and don't want to be associated with her actions.

Cornish, thanks - I do hope the judge sees through her, ad blocks her moving hours away. I'd be happy to not see her for a long time, but the father needs to see his child and the child needs their father.

OP posts:
PancakeAndKeith · 19/08/2019 14:00

No one is saying the man is an abuser, “parent” only that no one can say for sure what goes on behind closed doors.

PancakeAndKeith · 19/08/2019 14:01

The twins you don’t have?

ForfarFourFifeFive · 19/08/2019 14:03

No, 53, I know him through friends of friends, I don't know him to talk with, I do know the mother extremely well, it would be odd to just ramdomly say hi to him. As it is, under the circumstances, I don't feel right staying silent and seeming like we all support the mother here. She and I know each other very well but I have distanced myself because of the situation, but can't fully get away or disassociate owning to biology/relationships. Again, I wish to be vague enough to remain unidentifiable.

OP posts:
HerRoyalNotness · 19/08/2019 14:03

The things he needs to do if not already

DNA test
Pay maintenance/child support
Courts for access
Courts to apply to stop her moving

The last 2 his lawyer should be advising anyway.

To answer your original question, if you know him, you could in fact so how terrible you think it is and you don’t support her decision. Then leave it.

The posters on here saying it’s not your business, beak out, she can do what she wants will also say when the mum posts in 5years saying the dad has only seen the child one a year after they moved, what a deadbeat he is.

lookingatthings · 19/08/2019 14:04

Question. If you want to support him why are you on the Internet airing strangers laundry and arguing hypotheticals instead of... Reaching out to him and offering your support?

ForfarFourFifeFive · 19/08/2019 14:05

things, ha yes, I'd have thought the twins in Oz thing was obvious, but seemingly not.

AF, I have no intention of kidnapping anyone's baby. She has though, hasn't she - effectively enough.

OP posts:
53rdWay · 19/08/2019 14:06

Well if you don't know him that well, then you don't know what he's doing. You don't know what he was like in that relationship. You don't know that he's actually going through court rather than just grandstanding about it on public FB.

But even if you did know and he and the child were absolutely 100% being wronged here, there is still nothing you can do about it.

ForfarFourFifeFive · 19/08/2019 14:09

Notness, the lawyers are on all of that, he is defo the father. But WHY is it taking so long to grant access? That's what I don't understand. Baby is nearly walking.

I could reach out to say I am sorry for his situation and that I don't support the mother, that does feel like the right thing to do. I do not really know him though, but others in my group do, very well. Sorry for being confusing.

looking because I feel stressed and not thinking straight, don't even know what the right thing to do is. People say butt out, it's none of my business - but it IS impacting on family members, we are being shunned to an extent, it's embarrasing as mother is still maintaining to some people that he's not interested to, to others she's saying she's moving to get away from him, to others she's saying she's so upset (we know she is not), and it's plain embarrassing.

OP posts:
ForfarFourFifeFive · 19/08/2019 14:10

I'm exhausted. Thanks all (or not).

OP posts:
PancakeAndKeith · 19/08/2019 14:11

You are going it be late picking up your imaginary twin if you keep chatting on here op.

PerfectPenquins · 19/08/2019 14:12

She has not kidnapped her own baby! Unless you spent every second of the day and night with them both then you can not say anything about them as a couple because you don't know. Imagine for one second you are wrong and she has very good reason to keep him away, how would you feel if your sad meddling resulted in the child or mother is in danger or even hurt? It is not for you to make any judgements on this situation because you do not know as much as you think you do. If it's going down the legal route then leave it and find a hobby for god's sake.

ForfarFourFifeFive · 19/08/2019 14:16

PP, she has TOLD PEOPLE that she never intended a relationship with him once she got her baby. I can't say more on the offchance that people involved see this. But we do KNOW that she planned this, and he didn't know at all that he would be denied his child.

OP posts:
ForfarFourFifeFive · 19/08/2019 14:17

Keith, I obviously don't have adult twins in a 'village' in Oz, at nightshool, whose car got rammed by a kangaroo. Come on

OP posts:
PancakeAndKeith · 19/08/2019 14:19

Even if she painted it on the front of her house in 6ft high letters and he had a letter from God saying that he was a cracking chap who worshiped the ground she walked on it still wouldn’t be any of your business.

PancakeAndKeith · 19/08/2019 14:20

I know you don’t, Forfar.

PancakeAndKeith · 19/08/2019 14:20

Did you miss the ‘imaginary’ in my comment?

Parent999 · 19/08/2019 14:22

This child is about to be taken hundreds of miles away and will be lied to their whole life, told their father didnt want them, at best and everyone here is saying look the other way.

Someone came on MN a while ago and said thier ex had threatened to take the baby. The outpouring of advice and support was quite rightly immense. Guess what gender they were?

So now everyone has faith in the legal system. He'll be fine.

I wonder if she'll be claiming child maintenance, I bet you'll all call him a dead beat dad then.

Since all of a sudden we are all sitting on the fence becuase "we dont know the whole story", let me offer a possibility.
Im £20k in hole for 5 years of court, maybe he hasnt got the money.

ForfarFourFifeFive · 19/08/2019 14:23

Well that's very illuminating that some people think it's ok for women to act this way. I find that desperately depressing. Shame on her and shame on anyone who thinks we as a society should be ok with it. I KNOW she trapped him, there is very little chance he deserves this, nor his parents.

I have asked mn to delete as I have been worried I've said too much.

OP posts:
ForfarFourFifeFive · 19/08/2019 14:27

999, exactly, he has not got the money, his parents are looking at getting the equity out of their home, again they are not rich. He has spent SO much money already, he IS paying CS, he is doing all he can and all the right things, and STILL courts are dragging their heels, he still hasn't seen his baby, he's spent hundreds on the wild goose chase where the mother said he could visit, ferry, accommodation etc only to go and she not be there. She is twisted and evil. Some people are. It's not a man thing.

OP posts:
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