DH can’t cope with autistic son

[legolegolegolego]

(Reposting In Aibu)DS is struggling to cope with our autistic son. We have a 3 year old boy who’s not yet diagnosed but is on the way to being statemented and having a formal diagnosis. His diagnosis is currently Global Developmental Delay with a severe speech delay. DH struggles to cope with his behaviour (opening and shutting cupboard doors and climbing furniture) and shouts at him if he’s misbehaves. This results in ds screaming loudly and having a meltdown. This evening it came to a head where ds shouted that he can’t cope anymore and that we would have to put ds into care. He said it’s not like he would know where he was anyway. All this in front of our 7 year old. He stormed out of the room before shouting into DS(3) “Do you even know that I’m here?”. It’s not the first time he’s said that he can’t look after him anymore. He has openly regretted us having DS although he says he loves him. He calls me the strong one in our relationship. DS has made good progress in the last few months and is getting lots of support but it’s hard to deal with dh’s negativity and outbursts. We are entitled to free counciling with a Carers centre and hoping that will help. When we received DS’s GDD diagnosis DH plunged into a deep depression. DH has mental health issues going back a long time. Tbh he’s been vile to ds tonight, saying he’s “not right in the head” and shouting at him “why won’t you speak”. Ds was making noises at the dinner table and DH stormed off saying how he couldn’t stand the noises he makes. Ds is much easier to handle when DH isn’t around tbh. Ds is not the problem now. It’s dh’s dreadful attitude.

It is worth separating to protect dc
If nothing changes

If he wants to stay he gets help and changes his behaviour

what he said was in the heat of the moment.

But it wasn't just once was it?

He would need to show he has changed his attitude to come back. Over time. For now he should stay away and work on himself.

What a terrible situation my Grandson has autism I'm his main carer he is 6 and non verbal but he hears and understands everything that is said to him even if he can't reply please protect your child

..So he's minimising his behaviour and the impact on his children and you.

.....And he's implying it's your fault he's going.

I completely agree with this! He's the one who has broken the family up. Having also read your updates about his painkillers abuse, I really don't think that you should have him back in a few days. It's just not safe. Even if he was the nicest person in the world and without MH issues, an addict or withdrawing addict really shouldn't be around kids. Well done for being so brave and taking those first crucial steps. It will become easier the more than you open up to people! And yes, people will certainly want to help you!

Well done for getting him out of the house and telling people, Op.

The challenge now will be keeping him out, which I believe you must do. The problems you describe will never be fixed in days and with a half-arsed apology. If your husband were to turn this around, it would take him radically turning around his whole mentality and attitude to your son over the course of intensive therapy and addiction recovery etc. I see no suggestion he is even vaguely ready to do that.

If you allow him to take care of your son or come back into the house now, I think it is certain he would be abusive and probably in an escalating way- and perhaps scariest, he would simply hide it more from you, as he wouldn't want to get into trouble with you again. He has already shown he can hide his behavior from others, so I would be terrified at the thought of what he could do to your son if you ever leave him alone with him - both because he will feel like it is 'invisible', because he obviously has huge misplaced rage towards your son, because he does not see your son, tragically, as a human being who deserves kindness, and because there will be no other adult to soften the effect of any triggering behavior.

I know this time will be incredibly hard- but keep reminding yourself the things he has done and said and that he has in no way changed....

Good luck in protecting your wonderful children - I am so sorry you are going through this.

You are right in not wanting to live with someone who could be so cruel to a child, even if it had been in the heat of the moment, even if it had been only once. It takes an unforgivable level of evil to do the things he did.
I know how hard it is to have a non verbal child. I know what it is to feel like one can't cope. Abusing a helpless child is not acceptable ever. Also who's to say "the heat of the moment" doesn't happen again? Breaking up a family would only be possible if he had been a father, which is a role he was not performing anyway, you are removing a threat to your children - well done you for being string for them. So angry on your behalf OP, I hope you get the help you need to move forward in peace.

*strong

Op he will try to work his way back in now, all apologies and pity for him. Please don’t fall for it, he is trying to dehumanise your child and that is a massive red flag for physically abusing him. He sounds like a horrible horrible man and the mental health is no excuse. He should never be left alone with your kids while you work. You need to be strong and move on to a better life for you and and the kids.

Good luck. It’s a hard path but the right one. He’s crossed a line with what he’s done and once he’s let himself do that, there’s no going back.

Well done for telling your mum and your friend! That's a great step forward. What about your husband's mum? Is it possible for her to be told the full extent of the problem too? The more support you can get around you all, the better

Perosnally i think it is worth breaking the family up he done this and hes vile-he also can control it-so it shows hes abusive not just having a breakdown

You know what? Im in the same situation op. My son is a hell of a lot more calmer and lovely when my asshole whiny husband isnt in the house

Simplysteve I am not enabling the abuse of my children. I’m planning to get us out of here. I have a secret fund which I’m adding too as much as possible and have started plan our escape with a local women’s charity. I’m waiting till summer holidays are over then we’re out of here. My children have overnight bags hidden at my best friends house and I’m trying to judge the safest time to escape. Please don’t judge a situation you know nothing of

I'd said earlier in the thread that I wouldn't leave him alone with the children.

You saying he's going cold turkey from drug addiction may mean he's not physically able to look after them too.

I'm came off tramodol after years of being on the max dose for a chronic condition. I was weaned off them under GP supervision and that was fucking hard and the few days after a reduce I was no good for anything. Can't imagine the state I'd have been in going cold turkey. I couldn't look after myself let alone two small dependants.

I kind of agree with the pp who said he might have gone cold turkey to trigger his withdrawal to be the victim. If he genuinely wanted to quit for reasons other than making you feel sorry for him and taking the heat off himself you'd think he'd have done it safely and properly with medical help to limit what you and his children have to witness.

His behaviour in all of this is ridiculous. OK I get that he has had MH issues but to go cold turkey under the circumstances he is under is very stupid.

Is he trying to get your attention away from DS do you think OP? He is not behaving like a grown adult here and MH issues in general do not make you juvenile in your outlook. I suspect he is jealous and attention seeking.

Op he clearly needs help. And he needs to make sure he gets it.

I do wonder what the responses would have been if it was you who was struggling to cope with ASD.

Edthebear - he’s currently staying with his mum and will remain there for the foreseeable future. His mum has got him a doctors appointment today and will go with him, they are phoning the mental health crisis team to get him the help he needs and will take him to a mental health unit if necessary. He will still see the kids with me there. They will look at his meds and hopefully he will have support. We also have an appointment this week with a special needs counsellor and we can hopefully have tools in which to help us support our son.

Good news lego.
Let his mum look after him and you focus on your lovely dc
As you say they can see him in supervised setting.

Well done OP.

He stops being your problem from this day forth. Claim your life back and claim your space, your kids will be better for that. All meet ups on neutral territory.

Now you can focus on getting what you need in place to manage life as you want it for the three of you.

Call the council and get council tax reduction in place.
www.gov.uk/benefits-calculators
Call to apply for anything you may be entitled to, the claim date can be backdated to that call so don't put it off.
Call your HV (if good) to update and ask for any financial help available (homestart that sort of thing). Same for any local special needs support group that can go and do the funding research for you.

Change the door locks (you can do it yourself using youtube videos fairly cheaply) and secure money/bank accounts/credit cards etc. You can also access your credit record and ask for a financial dissasociation (not as complex as it sounds) to make sure any debt he runs up is nothing to do with you.

It is good he is making the right noises to effect change but assume the worst in the hope it never happens. His change will have to be extremely long term and the danger may be when he realises this is not going to resolve after a few days in the dog house. Write yourself a list of the abusive things he said and did (to you and your children) and refer back to it anytime you feel like swithering.

Take a look around your home and do something that makes it a bit different and just yours, change furniture around or declutter or just stick fun kid handprint pictures to your wall - just something to make it new and yours.

Hi endlegal- thank you for the kind advice. Our finances are separate and we rent our council house so it makes it much easier in that aspect. I have spoken to his mum and it’s great that she’s helping him but she doesn’t seem to grasp the seriousness of what he did/said and blames his mh and that it wasn’t him talking and wasn’t his “true self”

Oh op. You poor woman, and your poor little lads.

I know it’s hard, being in the position of caring for a non-verbal child. DS is a similar age to your younger one and it’s hard, so hard. But what your husband said was awful, awful. I know you know that. But just adding voice to those saying don’t let this be minimised or gaslighted away.

When the dust of this settles - which it will in time - I recommend makaton or sign-along if you don’t use it already. It was life changing for DS, really. Also, you could look at the Action for Children website and see if they run Portage services in your area - they were such a help to us. Clearly that’s not a problem for today, but I just wanted to try and offer some help for the future too.

Having a child with severe learning difficulties can be like a bereavement and some people simply cannot cope with that.
I don't think it necessarily makes them a terrible person they just need help and support.
The idea that they will never be like other children, will always need you until the end of your life and the future you imagined for them has gone sometimes makes people crack.
There was that case where a mother flipped and killed her two severely disabled children, it's hard, relentless and life changing.
it's not just a LTB scenario, the whole family needs help.
Some people cope better than others, it doesn't sound as if your husband is coping at all.

It’s always worth breaking up a family it means protecting a vulnerable child from abuse.

OP isn't breaking up a family she is fixing one her OH tried to break.

There is a genetic link in families dealing with autism AND parenting children with SN is stressful BUT people who control their behaviour perfectly well when it matters to them then "lose" control in an abusive bullying manner towards the most vulnerable in their trust are ABUSIVE. The three situations are very different.

It's good he's getting help but doesn't excuse his bad behaviour, why didnt he seek help before it got to this stage or tell anyone about his outbursts. His mum is minimising and should be supporting you too, financially, emotionally and offer practical help.