DH can’t cope with autistic son

[legolegolegolego]

(Reposting In Aibu)DS is struggling to cope with our autistic son. We have a 3 year old boy who’s not yet diagnosed but is on the way to being statemented and having a formal diagnosis. His diagnosis is currently Global Developmental Delay with a severe speech delay. DH struggles to cope with his behaviour (opening and shutting cupboard doors and climbing furniture) and shouts at him if he’s misbehaves. This results in ds screaming loudly and having a meltdown. This evening it came to a head where ds shouted that he can’t cope anymore and that we would have to put ds into care. He said it’s not like he would know where he was anyway. All this in front of our 7 year old. He stormed out of the room before shouting into DS(3) “Do you even know that I’m here?”. It’s not the first time he’s said that he can’t look after him anymore. He has openly regretted us having DS although he says he loves him. He calls me the strong one in our relationship. DS has made good progress in the last few months and is getting lots of support but it’s hard to deal with dh’s negativity and outbursts. We are entitled to free counciling with a Carers centre and hoping that will help. When we received DS’s GDD diagnosis DH plunged into a deep depression. DH has mental health issues going back a long time. Tbh he’s been vile to ds tonight, saying he’s “not right in the head” and shouting at him “why won’t you speak”. Ds was making noises at the dinner table and DH stormed off saying how he couldn’t stand the noises he makes. Ds is much easier to handle when DH isn’t around tbh. Ds is not the problem now. It’s dh’s dreadful attitude.

Just because the situation is difficult I mean. I am not referring to your beloved child as an it. 😔

This is so awful. I have a dd with asd and one a son awaiting diagnosis. I also have 2 other children and I’m a lone parent (no father involved) so I get the stress but I would never ever in a million years talk about any of my children like that. It’s actually making me feel sick but I think the pps worrying about you leaving him with the child whilst you work need to be aware that if you spilt up he will get contact (which he will probably want to spite you as that’s what abisive men are like) anyway so you will have no choice.

And of course his actions are making life so much harder for you and both your children than it need be.

Please dont leave your dc with this man. He is abusive. If he acts like that towards his child in front of you imagine what he could do when you are away working?

Op, you are failing your children as much as your DH is if you don't do something to protect them from their abuser. Please don't let them become another statistic, another bunch of flowers outside the front door. Do it now, please. Ring 999, tell them what has been happening, they will act immediately and remove him tonight.

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I have not posted before but felt compelled to post to you.
I can imagine whilst knowing that you should not be with this man, that actually getting him to move out is going to be very hard and I am sure also frightening. ( I am sure you will be worried how he will react)
Firstly you need to start talking. I would make an appointment with your GP and tell them everything. Secondly call Woman's Aid. You need support throughout this so tell your best friend.
With regards to work I think for now this is probably something you may have to stop for now.
If your H leaves then you must go to the job centre. You will then need to apply for Universal Credit and thankfully it is a fairly easy process. As another poster commented you will be surprised how much financial help you can receive.
You are a (wonderful) mother to two children and one with a disability. You will also be able to apply for Disability living allowance which is separate to universal credit.
You will be able to manage on your own with your children.
Life will be much easier when it's just the three of you.
You can do this!

Do not leave this man responsible for
Your children whilst you are at work!
If he is that vile to a child regardless of SN or not then he shouldn't be around them.
Imagine what he could be doing to him when your not around 😔
They will remember and they'll hate you for keeping him around.

You can do this alone !

I worry about how I’d manage to work if DH wasn’t around. I work part time and he looks after the children when I’m in work.

You can not leave this man with your vulnerable child alone. He abuses him right in front of you, what do you think he's like when you're not there?

I have a non-verbal seven year old autistic child. For reference, his father and I have NEVER raised our voice in anger at him, or said anything cruel to him EVER. It isn't normal to abuse or lose your temper with somebody so vulnerable and in need of protection. The mental health issues are an excuse. I've experienced multiple serious mental health issues and never abused my kids. Your dh is simply cruel. It isn't a trait that can be counselled or medicated 'out' of someone; he'll never change.

Call social services and tell them that your child is being abused by his father and request their advice on next steps. This will ensure that it is logged and help you stay accountable when things are difficult.

Next time he leaves the house, change the locks and message him telling him that he can't come back and that you will call the police if he attempts to return.

Ensure that every message you send focuses only on his abuse of your son and your intention to protect him. He's likely to twist your break up to suit himself, but this will be harder to support (especially in family court) if you are very clear about your position and don't end up 'kitchen sinking'.

He'll probably try to get you to feel sorry for him. Always keep in mind that your loyalty and responsibility lies only with your son, who is incredibly vulnerable and only has you to protect him. Your dh is his own responsibility. He's let you all down big time. You owe him nothing.

As far as work: quit. Your child is more important than the job. Apply for DLA. You don't need a diagnosis. There are websites online, e.g. Fight Back for Justice, that will help you fill in the forms. You can look on the entitledto website to get an idea of where each possible rate will leave you financially. If you're not an especially high earner, you're very unlikely to be worse off.

I hope he doesn’t go on to have any more children! People like him should never ever be parents!

I can honestly say that this is the worst thing I've ever read on here. Just horrifically sad and worrying.

You cannot leave him with your children. Especially while withdrawing. He could seriously harm your youngest, or worse. You should call the police as soon as possible and get him out

My mother stayed with my angry father and I will never forgive her for it

It is so hard, but you must protect your children and yourself. I suspect he is abusive in general given your comment about your Male best friend. He won't change, they never do

I have a severely autistic son - 20, non verbal, still in nappies and it is hard. He has severe learning difficulties too. DH adores DS, he is very vulnerable and misses out on so much in life, it's heartbreaking. He was diagnosed at 18 months. I've had MH issues for years, it's not a good enough excuse to being verbally abusive to a kid with so many more challenges to face, than to feel threatened by his dad.

Your DH is piling so much pressure on you, it's unfair and wrong, op. Not to mention how your DS must feel, being shouted at.

As you say, you'd be ok if he wasn't around - that speaks volumes. Chances are, your son would be calmer too and, maybe, progress better without his father berating him for just being him.

DS has come on so much in the last few years. I'd never have believed it, so take heart, there is much to be celebrated in the simplest victory. My DS used to run, bolt like Usain, but that has stopped now he's an adult. He has calmed down considerably. He still gets anxious and stims to deal with it.

Mum to mum, wishing you all the best, the sooner you can get a formal diagnosis, the better. I hope you have friends and family you can talk to and get support from. This is hard for you too. 💐💐💐

So sorry you and your DCs are going through this OP.
Based on what you have told us about your husband I would not dare to leave him in charge of anything, let alone the children. He's an addict who has abused your young child and I would call the police if he refused to leave.
I know you don't know how to sort things out after he leaves, but help will come, days will pass, you will cope, and your boys will be safe.

OP, I have autistic twins who are almost 3, so I want you to know I understand how hard this is for parents. One of the hardest things I’ve ever been through. When your child can’t communicate or doesn’t seem to care if you’re there or not, doesn’t sleep (if they’re anything like mine), needs lots of intervention etc it’s absolutely heartbreaking. I feel like I’ve been on the verge of a breakdown for a very long time.

Even then I would NEVER say the things to my children that your DH has said. Never ever. I’d never behave aggressively. Sometimes I lose my temper and shout (mainly “no! Stop it” when they’re about to launch themselves off another piece of furniture) and I feel so terrible about it afterwards, but nothing like this.

Aside from the threa to his safety, which is a major concern when he’s talking like your son isn’t a person, your DS is still in a crucial developental stage where he can’t yet communicate. Whether it seems like they understand or not (because even when they understand, they don’t respond in the way other children do) he is learning about communication from both of you, and from his brother. If what he sees is anger, shouting, aggression that will influence how he interacts with others.

I feel for you all because I know how hard it is. But no matter how hard it is, this behaviour is not okay. It’s terrible, dangerous and really damaging.

I completely understand that you’re frightened of having to do this alone and the logistics of that but there are things that can help you. Have you claimed DLA yet for your son? If you get that you can get extra tax credits, if you get middle rate care or higher you can claim careers allowance if your income is very low, etc. There’s also free nursery hours from the term after he’s 3, are you making use of those?

You know you can’t let this stand. If indeed this is down to MH issues then he should be mortified and want to get better. Does he?

What an utter, utter twat.

Why isn't he diagnosed. Bipolar can be treated. Not that he will become a perfect parent. He should see gp urgently

I've not read through all the thread, just up until OP mentions her H called their DS "that thing". Oh my god!!! Leave him now please for your children's sake!! Poor DS. The only "thing" is your H and I wouldn't be staying with him a day longer after that.

I know an adult with GDD and autism and she's lovely. Yes she struggles with some things but I bet your DS understands far more than your H thinks. This makes me so sad. Don't let him continue abusing your son!

Ok now I've read through all of it. Please don't leave your children in your Hs care by themselves, ever. You'll manage on your own with your lovely kids. If I knew your details I'd be on the phone to Social Services right now. Please protect your children from H, by staying with him you're putting them at risk of harm.

This is the most upsetting thread I've ever read on here, your husband has to go. I wish I'd never read this as I'll forever worry about this poor little soul with his hateful abusive father.

How are things this morning Lego? Please speak your family and close friends about the situation - whatever the way forward is for you and your DC, you need support around you. You'll probably be surprised how much people want to help you xx

BeUpStanding - thanks 💐 DH has gone to his mums this morning. He’s going to stay there for a few days. He was apologetic this morning and said he had a bad day and what he said was in the heat of the moment. He said sorry over and over but tbh it’s not enough and I can’t forgive what he said. He said it’s not worth breaking up a family over but I don’t think I can live with someone who could be so cruel. I’ve rung my mum who now knows everything and she’s been really supportive. Told a close friend too so it’s a start, looking into support groups and counselling too.

Thank you for your update, mum will help you and so will your close friend, you're on the way to getting the support you need. I am glad he has gone to his mums, he needs time to reflect on his behaviour, hopefully he will go to the doctor and get help for himself too. Take a few days in the peace and quiet to enjoy your time with your precious children and try to relax if you can.

I take it he isn't coming back after a few days?

he said it's not worth breaking up a family over

.....So he's minimising his behaviour and the impact on his children and you.

.....And he's implying it's your fault he's going.

He sounds absolutely horrible, please split with him permanently to protect you and your lovely children. It sounds like everyone is happier when he's not there anyway.

Please don't let him back after a few days. Your poor innocent baby doesn't deserve to live with an evil man who hates and abuses him. You aren't breaking up the family - the real family are still together, you and your kids. He HAS to go.