DH can’t cope with autistic son

[legolegolegolego]

(Reposting In Aibu)DS is struggling to cope with our autistic son. We have a 3 year old boy who’s not yet diagnosed but is on the way to being statemented and having a formal diagnosis. His diagnosis is currently Global Developmental Delay with a severe speech delay. DH struggles to cope with his behaviour (opening and shutting cupboard doors and climbing furniture) and shouts at him if he’s misbehaves. This results in ds screaming loudly and having a meltdown. This evening it came to a head where ds shouted that he can’t cope anymore and that we would have to put ds into care. He said it’s not like he would know where he was anyway. All this in front of our 7 year old. He stormed out of the room before shouting into DS(3) “Do you even know that I’m here?”. It’s not the first time he’s said that he can’t look after him anymore. He has openly regretted us having DS although he says he loves him. He calls me the strong one in our relationship. DS has made good progress in the last few months and is getting lots of support but it’s hard to deal with dh’s negativity and outbursts. We are entitled to free counciling with a Carers centre and hoping that will help. When we received DS’s GDD diagnosis DH plunged into a deep depression. DH has mental health issues going back a long time. Tbh he’s been vile to ds tonight, saying he’s “not right in the head” and shouting at him “why won’t you speak”. Ds was making noises at the dinner table and DH stormed off saying how he couldn’t stand the noises he makes. Ds is much easier to handle when DH isn’t around tbh. Ds is not the problem now. It’s dh’s dreadful attitude.

Sorry pressed too soon.

Send to all, you will probably get that friend back and lots of offers of help you never knew existed.

Your husband thinking he's bipolar is neither here nor there, nor is his painkiller stuff. By your own admission this has been going on lore than 24 hours. Your husband is an adult and not the vulnerable party here - that is your son, who you need to protect from him.

I remember seeing the paediatrician when my ds was diagnosed and I was talking about being a single mum, he straight out said most diagnosis lead to relationships breakdown anyway :/

OP, yeah it is soooo hard when you are used to being the strong one, but everyone needs a hand Hold now and again. You will feel so much better once you have a mate in your corner.

You sound strong and determined with great kids. I hope it all works out for them and you.

OP, my heart breaks for you and your 2 boys. I think you and your lovely children need some time apart from your H. Your older DS sounds an ace and things do get better with ASD children.
Similar situation here, 7 yo NT and 5 yo ASD. DH is on the ball though.

Your husband looks after the children while you're at work?
This can't go on. He can't be left alone with them. Who knows what they go through and what your seven year old witnesses. Your three year old could actually be on physical danger from him.

I'm normally the last person to respond dramatically on this forum, but seriously, but should never, ever be alone with them.

He’s also addicted to painkillers. He threw them away yesterday so now is 24 hours without taking any

Opiates? If so withdrawal will be starting to set in which will make any mental issues worse, cause him to become unstable, anxious, temperamental, possibly shake, itch, have nausea, have diarrhoea, if you google opiate withdrawal, Wikipedia have a good article. He could turn very dangerous in this state.

Simply - yes, opiates. He’s been vomiting and sweating but blames it on “anxiety”

Yep, classic withdrawal.

You should get the police to remove him now, I fear for all your safety.

Op, I am bipolar and have never EVER been such a horrible nasty bastard to my autistic child or nephews.....especially not in selective times/places so nobody outside of my family sees it. Please. Stop making excuses for him.

OP - you simply can't allow your husband to be the lone carer for your children. He absolutely chooses to abuse your youngest - otherwise he'd do it in front of others not only you.

As a mother you absolutely have to protect your little one - no-ones saying that it isn't hard being the parent of a child with SN - it's absolutely unforgivable that he's being abused by someone who should want to nurture and protect him.

Please safeguard you son, I beg you. I don't think any thread on MN has sickened me more than this one - that thing?? that's a little boy fgs

This is literally the saddest thread I ever read. Honestly I have type II bipolar and I'm completely sick of the amount of abusive CFs who self diagnose as "bipolar" so they can use it as an "excuse" or "explanation" for their shitty behaviour. If he genuinely has all these MH problems like bipolar, ASD, anxiety, suicide ideation etc he needs to go away, get referred for help, get on meds, get counselling and leave you the fuck alone until he can be civil to your wonderful DS. And if there's actually nothing wrong with him except being a CF, he should definitely leave.
Many, many, hugs and I hope you can get him out of your house. He has threatened your child and I hope the police take that seriously.

I'm sorry but going cold turkey from opiate painkillers right now makes him sound like a narc triggering an episode so he can paint himself as the victim.

Get help right now, and get him out of the house.

He needs to leave

Lego I was where you are and exp ended up attacking ds...ds was non verbal poo smearing etc etc etc
Exp was diagnosed with anxiety disorder bla bla but mixed in with being selfish and abusive.
You need to leave with dc or he needs to go.
You need to start by you telling your gp everything (is gp prescribing your h with painkillers?) Tell the reality and ask for help.
Stop covering.
It isnt safe to leave dc in his care.

Maybe your h needs help...maybe he will seek it out... exp did get some mh support and it s a long story but years later he can just about cope . But right now your dc are at risk.
If your h wont leave you will need to with dc then discuss next steps.

I have a nonverbal child who is a stroke survivor-anyone who spoke about my boy like that in his presence would be dead to me my mama bear would most likely result in assault charges brought against me or my siblings. I cannot believe your partner would be addicted to drugs and still primary caregiver of your children! Your life as you know it has changed if you want to keep custody of the both of them. You have to kick him out

Your posts made me feel so sad. What you’ve described is emotional abuse and I’m glad you will take steps to separate you and your boys from your H.

Your 7yo is beautiful to say those things; it made me well up. I feel so angry he is witness to the abuse and so, experiencing EA himself too. I hope when your DS’ character starts properly coming out with suitably nurturing surroundings that it continues to delight you and if H is around to see it, that it humbles and shames him for his awful behaviour right now.

This is horrible to read. Please protect your children. Even if your youngest doesn't understand (and I'm in no way implying that's the case) your elder son sure does. What message does that give him? That his father doesn't love his little brother & wants rid, & you're not willing to stand up for them? Please get help from someone, start with the police, ASAP, & go from there.

What a horrible time you must be having OP. You are clearly a great mum though and are doing a brilliant job with both your children. Your older DS has obviously got his kind heart and wise words by learning from your example and it sounds like your little one is much calmer and more settled with just you. The thought of going it alone must be scary, but it sounds like all the positive parenting is coming from you and that your boys will thrive in the safety and love of your care. Hugs to you and your sons.

And "anxiety" is bollocks in this case. It's a red herring. Your DH is a selfish abusive arsehole who's not fit to be a father.

Lego which professionals are involved?
Social worker from children with disabilities?
Health visitor?
You need to speak with them honestly
You need them to know and witness h views
Of course
Police 999 if h is acting violent or aggressive

My ExH did e act the same. Which is why he's now an ex.

Parenting can be hard.
Parenting a toddler can be very hard.
I'm sure that parenting a toddler with additional needs can be so hard that it seems impossible at times.

I am deeply concerned about you H using dehumanising language as he shouts abuse at a 3 year old.

People use dehumanising language to exclude their victim from fundamental taboos about not harming other humans. It is extremely dangerous and could be a precursor to physical violence.

But he is already harming both your children and you with his current actions. Please get help from the police and woman's aid as well as whatever friends or family or support networks you can rally. You need to protect your children from this abusive adult who has made himself more unstable by having an unsupervised withdrawal of opiates.

Yes, parenting a young child with additional needs is hard. But he had to work out his feelings about that on his own or with a therapist, not attacking the vulnerable child who is finding it hard to navigate the world which must feel particularly threatening and scary this evening.

Lean on the courage you have been quietly developing over the past 3 years and call someone for help. If you don't know what to say, read out the posts you made here to the police (preferably) or your parents or best friend or women's aid/a local refuge/other helpine.

I know it takes courage to ask for help. But this is too big for you to manage yourself, the situation is too dangerous. He's unstable and aggressive and doesn't recognise your son as a person.

At the start, I meant to say it is hard. But it's also hard for you and it's hard for your older child and it is especially hard for your youngest child who is living in a world that is hard to process.

Your H cannot be allowed the opportunity to take out his rage, disappointment, fears and frustrations on a small child.

Just because it is difficult doesn't mean that he isn't being abusive.

Good grief, if I were you I would have taken both my children to their bedrooms shut their doors gone back to the lowlife husband and beat him out the door with a broomstick! How dare he say or act like that to his own flesh and blood child?! Protect your children at all cost OP. I feel so sorry for you. I imagine life is so extremely difficult and your husband has to go and act like this. His MH issues are no excuse to behave such a way to his child. Find and get help as soon as possible. Reach out to family. Blessings to you and DC.