DH can’t cope with autistic son

[legolegolegolego]

(Reposting In Aibu)DS is struggling to cope with our autistic son. We have a 3 year old boy who’s not yet diagnosed but is on the way to being statemented and having a formal diagnosis. His diagnosis is currently Global Developmental Delay with a severe speech delay. DH struggles to cope with his behaviour (opening and shutting cupboard doors and climbing furniture) and shouts at him if he’s misbehaves. This results in ds screaming loudly and having a meltdown. This evening it came to a head where ds shouted that he can’t cope anymore and that we would have to put ds into care. He said it’s not like he would know where he was anyway. All this in front of our 7 year old. He stormed out of the room before shouting into DS(3) “Do you even know that I’m here?”. It’s not the first time he’s said that he can’t look after him anymore. He has openly regretted us having DS although he says he loves him. He calls me the strong one in our relationship. DS has made good progress in the last few months and is getting lots of support but it’s hard to deal with dh’s negativity and outbursts. We are entitled to free counciling with a Carers centre and hoping that will help. When we received DS’s GDD diagnosis DH plunged into a deep depression. DH has mental health issues going back a long time. Tbh he’s been vile to ds tonight, saying he’s “not right in the head” and shouting at him “why won’t you speak”. Ds was making noises at the dinner table and DH stormed off saying how he couldn’t stand the noises he makes. Ds is much easier to handle when DH isn’t around tbh. Ds is not the problem now. It’s dh’s dreadful attitude.

@legolegolegolego I'm sending great big hugs. I know it is scary, but it sounds like you need time apart (and it sounds like you know that). I know the logistics seem unsolvable but it will work out. Would you really feel ok about him looking after the children whilst you work, now that you have seen him flip? What would happen if he flipped like that and you weren't there to intervene?

There is quite a bit of research to show that some parents (particularly fathers) can feel a loss (like they are grieving the child the loss of the "normal" child they expected - for want of a better expression), but this is NO EXCUSE for his behaviour. He needs help, but he doesn't sound like he can see that, and it's not your job to provide it. You need to do the best you can for your family, and that sounds like it would be best to be apart from him. Sending lots of love

You sound like a wonderful brave mother and I'm sure you'd do a great job on your own. In many ways it would be easier for you and the kids without his negativity and the drama.

No way I'd be leaving the kids wirh him whilst I went to work regardless. You've seen what he does to him in front of you. God knows what he's doing when you're not there. Constantly shouting at him? Shutting him in a room alone because your DH can't cope and he thinks the "thing doesn't know where he is anyway"? Honestly it makes me feel sick just thinking about it

DH has mental health issues going back a long time

The real kind, or the fabricated kind abusive men trot out as a get out of jail free card?

He's not out of control, he's choosing to behave like this. Somebody out of control would have "outbursts" in public too.

You know it can run in families? Has he been tested?
He needs some education and yes a break at least, permanent if he cant sort himself out.

and an hour away is nothing, give your friends and family the chance to support you

I’ve never said it before but please get him away from you and your children. For a 7yo to have to stick up to his own father in defence of his younger brother breaks my heart for you OP. You sound like such a strong Mum who has been put in such a dire situation by a man who is supposed to be your partner - I can only offer online support on an anonymous forum, but I truly wish you strength and peace when removing this abusive man from your life.

My DS is nearly 2 and largely non-verbal apart from the odd Mamamama and Dadadadada and we have been advised he is showing clear markers of GDD - but he’s such a happy gentle soul and it sounds as though your younger DS is the same when he’s not being antagonised by his ‘father’.

Good luck and all the best OP I’m sorry I can’t offer more

That is awful. Truly awful. It goes beyond depression. It's frustration and anger. You need to be extremely firm and lay your cards on the table. Your son is not going into care. Your husband, however, is! He needs to leave the house, if only temporarily (days/weeks) until he has learned to deal with his own issues. He's making things worse, not better! And it's extremely damaging and upsetting for both children! So sorry you're going through this, but he needs to get out.

I cleaned the kitchen after tea and forced myself to go there...we were divorced, it was over and you know what I felt? Relief and I finally felt free. I fear he won’t go without a fight😔

@Nomoremilk my point was about the op and her situation. Ltb is not straightforward. Being prepared. Knowing it's hard as a loan parent. With no help dad will want to see one son. Not the other. How does that work? I am so sorry for what happened to you. I definitely did not mean any offence.

I am a child psychologist.
This man is damaging your child. Even if your child doesn't understand every word your dh says he will be absorbing his facial expressions, his tone, his body language.

Children in toddlerhood start to form their lasting views of themselves and their worth. Your ds is getting repeated messages from his father that he is worthless and not valued.

Please don't leave your son with him ever again.

Is the house joint yours his? only way to get him out is sto call the police if his name is on it

Let him shout and stamp his tootsies, call your dad, brother, his dad and tell them what's happening, they will come round and tell him to go, dont discuss it with him, let him sulk and ignore you, it doesnt matter, just stay strong for your beautiful children. Dont get into an argument with him he loves attention.

Are you going to let him look after your son whilst you are at work next week?

A fight worth having OP. He's damaging all of you. He's a father in the biological sense but hardly a role model to nurture your children. Don't downplay your worth by allowing him to remain in your life making you feel the way you do either.

It's easy for people to say ltb. But where does that leave you and your children?

It is 100% easier to get parenting done when you aren't wasting 99% of your headspace on trying to fix invented attention seeking "issues", protect children and generally tiptoe around an abusive sabateur in your household.

OP if you lived next door and I heard this I would be on the phone to the police for you. Your children are in serious danger.

To clarify your thoughts consider this - if your youngest was at a childminder and you went to pick up and saw this level of abuse directed at him from an adult employed to take care of him would you be dropping him off there again the next day? Or would you get him to safety and call the police?

I'm sorry for you, I know how hard this is but consider it a fresh start, a chance for you and your boys to have a brilliant life together free from dark clouds.

Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft when you get time but for now just tell everyone, get him out and buy yourself some breathing space. Tell your boss what is happening and ask for help.

Anyone who can come over help pack his shit, evict him and then stay with you this week to be an adult/bodyguard/witness in the house?

He won't know what he had until he loses it and perhaps he'll see the true worth of your darling children then

This sounds awful. Caring for a child with additional needs is challenging and exhausting without having to deal with an abusive partner. My father behaved similarly with my non verbal brother who has Down’s when we were kids. It was horrible to witness and I’ve never forgiven him for it (I’m NC with him). I also resent DM for allowing him to treat DB this way.

There’s no excuses for how your DH is behaving. None. I also have a ds with autism. Your husband needs to come to terms with your son’s diagnosis or leave.

He cannot look after your DC while you’re at work. With what he’s saying, it genuinely sounds like he could hurt your child to be ‘free’ of him.

I would ask the police to help remove him. He’s abusive and damaging both your DC.

No way would I let him be alone with your son...if he behaves like this in front of you i dread to think what he does when your not there. I would be fearful and I would want him away from you and your children asap. He sounds dangerous you need to reach out to family and tell them exactly what's going on and get support. He is the adult and a scary unhinged one at that...

Im angry and sad reading this to be honest. Really sorry your going through this OP and I can relate to your difficulties with raising a child with special needs, its so challenging! Your husband needs a fuckin reality check and to man the hell up. 'Hes not right in the head' who the actual f speaks about a disabled child in that way. He needs to go asap because by the sounds of it things will not get any better with his MH issues if he does not face up to them and his attitude to his own child. Stay strong youv got this.

Does he have any relatives close by OP? Could you call his mum or sibling/s to come and collect him? You also need to make him a drs appt asap!
Re your seven year old, have a frank discussion how his dad is unwell at the moment and that, if he were mentally well, he wouldn't have said those things. Reiterate that he loves both of them, but is not coping. Just be honest. If he needs to go away for a bit to get better, explain that to both of your DS's. There was a case of an non verbal autistic girl in the US, who learned to communicate via a laptop. It turned out that she was highly intelligent and understood pretty much everything going on around her, but literally couldn't speak back or cope with noise because it jumbled her brain. Your DH needs to know that there may be an awful lot going on in your son's brain behind the scenes and that there is a good chance that he understands what is being said. Her family put a video on YouTube a few years back which went viral.

It makes my blood boil when I think how shit men are in these situations and how they get to walk away and mums left on her own dealing with it.
That said, OP, in your situation right now, your dh sounds like nothing more than an oxygen thief. Adding no value, only doing harm.

Talk to your health visitor or someone about what benefits you are entitled to. My friend has an autistic son and gets additional financial support.

Also, why isn't your DH working full time?could he do that and you become a sahm?

It sounds awful but I see your dh as needing help too. Autism runs in families, I think it's highly probable from what you've said about his dislike of the noise etc and having his own meltdowns he's also ASD.

Regardless, you need to protect your children so this family dynamic as it is needs to change. Now.