DH can’t cope with autistic son

[legolegolegolego]

(Reposting In Aibu)DS is struggling to cope with our autistic son. We have a 3 year old boy who’s not yet diagnosed but is on the way to being statemented and having a formal diagnosis. His diagnosis is currently Global Developmental Delay with a severe speech delay. DH struggles to cope with his behaviour (opening and shutting cupboard doors and climbing furniture) and shouts at him if he’s misbehaves. This results in ds screaming loudly and having a meltdown. This evening it came to a head where ds shouted that he can’t cope anymore and that we would have to put ds into care. He said it’s not like he would know where he was anyway. All this in front of our 7 year old. He stormed out of the room before shouting into DS(3) “Do you even know that I’m here?”. It’s not the first time he’s said that he can’t look after him anymore. He has openly regretted us having DS although he says he loves him. He calls me the strong one in our relationship. DS has made good progress in the last few months and is getting lots of support but it’s hard to deal with dh’s negativity and outbursts. We are entitled to free counciling with a Carers centre and hoping that will help. When we received DS’s GDD diagnosis DH plunged into a deep depression. DH has mental health issues going back a long time. Tbh he’s been vile to ds tonight, saying he’s “not right in the head” and shouting at him “why won’t you speak”. Ds was making noises at the dinner table and DH stormed off saying how he couldn’t stand the noises he makes. Ds is much easier to handle when DH isn’t around tbh. Ds is not the problem now. It’s dh’s dreadful attitude.

Re your seven year old, have a frank discussion how his dad is unwell at the moment and that, if he were mentally well, he wouldn't have said those things.

Completely disagree with this. That 7yo is totally wise to what is going on, automatically defends his younger sibling from his father and needs safety and reassurance not bullshit. This is a 7yo forced to behave as an adult against an adult man, think hard about that.

Keep it real, more along the lines of;

Nobody should speak to anyone that way, we don't behave that way in this house and Dad is going to live elsewhere. This is not your fault and you have done nothing wrong, I love you and your brother very much and everything is going to be ok.

OP says she feels relief at the thought of getting rid, I bet the 7yo feels the same way and he needs to know his mum will keep him safe.

I’m sorry you have no family close but even if they were a 24 hour flight away..in your situation I would be on that flight.
He says over and over “he’s not right. He’s not right in the head” DH is the only one not right in the head he doesn’t deserve to be a father . I know you say
I fear he won’t go without a fight is quite alarming.please start writing everything down. Start now and log past things you can think of so IF there is a fight you have everything noted down.
It sounds an awful situation, so sorry

DH pointed to ds (3) saying “there’s nothing there. There’s absolutely nothing in there” (his head). Ds(7) bless him stuck up for 3yo and said how smart he was and how many new words he’s learned. 😢

Yeah your DH needs to leave for a bit until he can get some sort of help in processing and learning how to deal with his emotions. He also needs educating in SN.

He is a really negative force to have around the house at the moment.

How does he parent your eldest child? Obviously you don't want to start with all the no contact if it unnecessary, their relationship is important for your eldest child independent of the youngest. The problem DH will face is, hopefully his behaviour hasn't changed their relationship already.

Sadly if you have no family or support locally, I have no advice for childcare and your working situation as I know how difficult it can be for childcare in that situation (but only through my best mate, not personally) but don't have any constructive help. It obviously paramount that your youngest child is safe and nurtured but if your DH can't achieve that, I'm not sure where you go from there, and the whole LTB without constructive advice to enable that is just pointless,

💐💐💐

I'd be so disappointed with him. Would he be open to parenting classes, and change?

If not then I feel you and ds would be calmer going it alone, though of course how would he cope on his weekends?!

A boy made of blocks is a good book - ostensibly about the man's child playing minecraft but as you read it you get a real sense of him regretting the type of parent he used to be and learning to connect with his son.

Best of luck

It must be so so hard to cope. For him and for you. But for everything he does where he fucks up, that puts more responsibility on you to be the strong one.

You need some time alone to figure this out. Sorry

Sending you strength to do what you know you need to do. Your son can not defend himself. Only you can do that. Enlist the help of family. Explain what has been happening. You will find a way. There is no other choice. I am so proud of your other son. He sounds amazing.

I have a dd with ASD, and very challenging behaviour. My DH finds her very difficult to cope with, he is currently under assessment for diagnosis himself.

His behaviour isn't acceptable, but I also get it. I've recently had something of a breakdown due to trying to manage work, dd and my NT ds, all the appointments etc. I have thought and said to DH that I regret dd. Be ause I can't really cope, but I'd never say it to her.

I have also lost my shit with her on occasion, usually when she's attacking me, punching me or shouting at me. I once hit her back, which again I'm not proud of, it was a reaction to her really hurting me.

It's hard to explain how hard it can be living like that day in, day out. And I hate it when people talk about special parents and special angels.

He should not have said those things to Ds, and your marriage may be over. But he also clearly needs some help.

Thank you Clog. He’s a wonderful brother and I am so proud of him.

His behaviour is too extreme to be allowed to continue to be in your home. He needs to be made to leave to protect your children.

It is very common for parents of children with ASD to have undiagnosed ASD themselves. Life without the support and understanding brought by a diagnosis can cause terrible damage, resulting in mental health problems.

Whether he has ASD or not, he clearly needs assessments and treatment before he can be allowed to spend any time with your children. They must not be subjected to this abuse again.

OP I have mum friends, and if one of them called me and asked for some help because her dh had been awful and was refusing to leave, i would be there like a shot or even send my husband if I thought that would help. Dont underestimate your friends, or their willingness to help. I hope you get him out and get the peace you and your kids deserve.

Put your pathetic husband into care.
Divorce him.
Children are more important than spouses.

The constructive advice is tell everyone.
Take time off work.
Get him out. Police/family/friend whatever it takes.
Apply for everything possible. W.A./Benefits/HV/SS/etc.
Re evaluate childcare / work situation.

It's a paradigm shift. Of course it is.

Nobody says LTB lightly. This is a no option situation unless you consider the OP volunteering to do nothing and leave her children in explicit danger from this moment forward. Social services take a dim view of that for good reason and there is every chance they will become involved once this becomes apparent to teachers etc when school starts back.

It's a crappy crappy day for the OP. She and her children are the victims of serious domestic abuse. Some of us have been there and it sucks, it isn't fair and nobody has children with someone expecting to have to fly solo but it also means the only way is up now.

OP you might want to ask MNHQ to move this thread to the relationships board, you will get a lot of really good support there.

Good luck

Good for you I think when he has left it will be a huge weight off your shoulders. Him being there is not helping at all. You need quality time with your children. You will find that things in the house will be calmer and no more walking on egg shells with him. Perhaps speak to your GP about the situation and see what support you can get. Your GP could sign you off work to give you sometime to process things and sort out your next move re your future. Big hugs to you x

My partner is abusive and we live under the threat of his dark moods.

So you're enabling the abuse of your children?

Hi OP, we're going to move this to Relationships if that's okay - we don't think AIBU is the best place for it.

@endlegalfiction

With due respect my suggestion wasn't 'bullshit' though. The OP had already said that her DH suffers mental health issues, has previously self harmed/threatened suicide and is not coping, but that he does also love his sons. So, all of that is true! Of course his behaviour should not be accepted within the house and yes, the 7 yr old knows that his dad is wrong to say what he did. He needs to leave. But, I still maintain that it is better to be upfront about DH's mental health issues. I say this as someone who grew up with a father who also had MH issues (which no one explained to me), so I just felt anger and hatred at times towards him. This left me then confused and feeling guilty when he locked himself in the garage and stuffed up the car's exhausts. I now have a more balanced view on him. Some of his behaviour was not great, but he did love us, and he was a troubled man. Therefore, I'll always encourage people to be frank about MH issues. That's not to let DH off the hook though. But it certainly sounds like a contributory factor.

You DH is absolutely vile.

Dont underestimate your friends, or their willingness to help.

OP i know you say you have no friends or family locally, but I agree with the above. Even if they are only "playground friends" from your child's school, it's amazing how people are willing to help. 💐💐

Endlegal - I love constructive advice so thank you! He’s currently asleep in the spare room. I have much thinking to do but he needs to go ASAP. DH has told me that he believes himself to be bipolar (both his parents are). He’s also addicted to painkillers. He threw them away yesterday so now is 24 hours without taking any. His moods are now unpredictable and unstable.

Tigger - thank you. I am an independent sort who hates asking for help! I do have lots of friends, a lovely best friend and a number of close friends but I would honestly have no clue what to say or where to even start. One of my close friends I know would do anything to help anyone. I used to have a male best friend who I told everything to but DH had a massive issue with him and we are no longer friends 😢

You need to focus on your sons needs and not your husbands. He is making the situation work. You’ve said yourself that your son is easier to deal with without your DH around. Get rid now and watch your son flourish. Your son will have a great deal of anxiety anyway due to his autism and unfortunately your husband will make your sons anxiety sky rocket. Please be strong...you sound like an amazing mum to your son by the way xxx Big hugs to you xxx

The only thing I can think to add is try to record even audio of any outbursts he has until you get him out. It’ll allow you evidence incase he starts denying it, be it to family be it to court.

I’m sure there’s a lot of mum friends who would support/help you even if they’re just “playground friends”

I used to have a male best friend who I told everything to but DH had a massive issue with him and we are no longer friends

Put it all in a text and send it.

Sorry...I put work instead of work! 🤦🏼‍♀️