DH can’t cope with autistic son

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(Reposting In Aibu)DS is struggling to cope with our autistic son. We have a 3 year old boy who’s not yet diagnosed but is on the way to being statemented and having a formal diagnosis. His diagnosis is currently Global Developmental Delay with a severe speech delay. DH struggles to cope with his behaviour (opening and shutting cupboard doors and climbing furniture) and shouts at him if he’s misbehaves. This results in ds screaming loudly and having a meltdown. This evening it came to a head where ds shouted that he can’t cope anymore and that we would have to put ds into care. He said it’s not like he would know where he was anyway. All this in front of our 7 year old. He stormed out of the room before shouting into DS(3) “Do you even know that I’m here?”. It’s not the first time he’s said that he can’t look after him anymore. He has openly regretted us having DS although he says he loves him. He calls me the strong one in our relationship. DS has made good progress in the last few months and is getting lots of support but it’s hard to deal with dh’s negativity and outbursts. We are entitled to free counciling with a Carers centre and hoping that will help. When we received DS’s GDD diagnosis DH plunged into a deep depression. DH has mental health issues going back a long time. Tbh he’s been vile to ds tonight, saying he’s “not right in the head” and shouting at him “why won’t you speak”. Ds was making noises at the dinner table and DH stormed off saying how he couldn’t stand the noises he makes. Ds is much easier to handle when DH isn’t around tbh. Ds is not the problem now. It’s dh’s dreadful attitude.

'That thing' - just broke my heart That little boy is half of Him. Someone needs to be removed in your home and it's not your poor little boy. He didnt ask for this. He may not know what your dh is saying but he definitely can feel the wrath of hate coming of him.

He also said that “this child is going to make me top myself”. He’s talked about harming himself before and has used it in arguments.

I’ve 2 with asd ,and a dh and it’s so hard ,on everyone,I’ve had time times where I felt bitter that my children have been cheated out of a normal life asd makes their life so hard for them...they need both parents on their side ..
Your dh needs to be on his sons side ,if not ,well he needs to leave untill he can step up and be on your sons side not against him

And your older ds certainly knows what he is saying. How awful for him to witness this.

Ds has been particularly challenging tonight but I believe he’s picking up on ds’s negativity. He’s seems to constantly scream at ds but toddles around quite happily when it’s just the two of us.

Is he gone now op?

Wow what a nasty vicious fuck. He’s worse than your OP gave credit for. Get him away from your children and with supervised visits only.

I told him to leave but he’s gone upstairs for ages and probably is just sleeping on the bed😕

I would not have him round your son at all. Just because he can’t communicate verbally doesn’t mean he doesn’t understand what is being said to him. Or if not the words, the tone of voice. My ds is autistic and it is really hard and we don’t always get it right when he is in meltdown. But this sounds beyond that. He needs help to come to terms with things and learn how to manage, but until he can control himself he needs to be elsewhere.

Your H is abusing your children, therefore he needs to leave.

Get rid. U aren't getting any benefit from him being around. Calling him "that thing" is way way way too far no matter how stressed he is. He has lost all respect for your beautiful son. U cant put up with that. Dont leave him alone with him whatever u do....he isnt even acknowledging your son is a human. Hope u are ok. You are right when you say you dh is the problem.

I was 2 when my severely downs syndrome sister was born. I had more empathy with her than my Dad did.
If your 'D' H can't cope, then tell him to go to fuck. We managed. My Mum and me. We showed he more love and understanding than some sperm donor (as I've now come to think of our Dad) ever could.
You can do it alone. In fact it will probably be easier.
Hugs and OP

I've got a 15 year old severely autistic son and I swear if anyone spoke about him like your husband speaks about his own son I'd be on a murder charge!
Your son will definitely be picking up in the negativity !
Your son needs patience and love not an arsehole father.

Ugh, what horrible behaviour. I get that it's immensely stressful but he doesn't seem to get that he's talking about a human being, never mind his own son. Tell him he has to go and his mental health is his own responsibility, as you will have your hands full doing his share of parenting as well as your own.

My god Op this made my blood run cold. My son has ASD and times were hard when he was small. My nephews both are in the process of being diagnosed with (7yo) ASD and 3 year old with sensory processing disorder and is also non verbal. I would be devastated and then have white hot rage if anybody ever spoke to my children or nephews in such a manner. They would not do it twice.

Protect your 3 year old and show your 7 year old that we do not treat people like shit and accept it. You owe it to your kids. Fuck him off.

Also I don't know where you are but we recently went on a sensory processing course and it was brilliant . So informative and in the last two months of us putting things into place for our non verbal three year old his behaviour has improved and he is trying to form a few words. He is trying to say mummy . He was a climber and has eaten glass several times, doesn't see danger at all etc so this is real progress.

I’d consider phoning the police and telling them he’s being abusive to your child and won’t leave. No way I’d trust him near them.

What an awful situation. I feel particularly sorry for your older child in all of this and the potential damage it is doing to him when he hears the things his father is saying. This would raise huge alarm bells if he disclosed any of this at school.

Having a child with asd is very hard but your dh needs to be on your ds side. There will be enough disadvantage to deal with without his parent showing this attitude. He is taking advantage of you and your ds. You because he knows you will pick up the pieces and care for your ds while he rants and behaves badly and your ds because he can't communicate. He needs to change his approach and take himself elsewhere when feeling frustrated. If he can't get himself together then he may need to leave. Is there any chance he himself is aspergers? My dp is obviously on the spectrum although not diagnosed and reacts terribly to stress.

Ds has been particularly challenging tonight but I believe he’s picking up on ds’s negativity. He absolutely will be, bless him.

I told him to leave but he’s gone upstairs for ages and probably is just sleeping on the bed Could you ring them police, explain there's been a domestic dispute and that he won't leave, you're in fear of yours and your DC's safety and please can they make him leave? Or would they not do that.

He's abusing your son. Get him out to fuck.

This, and even with long-term depression it's no excuse.

Put your husband in care instead of your son. I know it most be very hard but your husband makes life harder.
Maybe he needs to take a break and move out for a while.

Thank you all. I just want him gone now. He’s gone too far. I don’t want to cause a scene in front of my 7 year old. I want him to leave though.

Get rid of that horrid twat. Even before birth babies react to stress, 3 year olds climb and shout n scream.. they’re 3 not 33. Hardly going to jump off the couch like “terribly sorry father, shalln’t do that again” nt or not.

Phone the police if you have to have him removed. Don’t stand for someone verbally abusing your child in front of you.

He says over and over “he’s not right. He’s not right in the head” DH is the only one not right in the head.

The police would remove him OP. If you can explain he has been screaming at your three year old, give them the examples you've given here, that he's threatened to kill himself and he's refusing to leave. He is disgusting.