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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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DH can’t cope with autistic son

242 replies

legolegolegolego · 17/08/2019 19:48

(Reposting In Aibu)DS is struggling to cope with our autistic son. We have a 3 year old boy who’s not yet diagnosed but is on the way to being statemented and having a formal diagnosis. His diagnosis is currently Global Developmental Delay with a severe speech delay. DH struggles to cope with his behaviour (opening and shutting cupboard doors and climbing furniture) and shouts at him if he’s misbehaves. This results in ds screaming loudly and having a meltdown. This evening it came to a head where ds shouted that he can’t cope anymore and that we would have to put ds into care. He said it’s not like he would know where he was anyway. All this in front of our 7 year old. He stormed out of the room before shouting into DS(3) “Do you even know that I’m here?”. It’s not the first time he’s said that he can’t look after him anymore. He has openly regretted us having DS although he says he loves him. He calls me the strong one in our relationship. DS has made good progress in the last few months and is getting lots of support but it’s hard to deal with dh’s negativity and outbursts. We are entitled to free counciling with a Carers centre and hoping that will help. When we received DS’s GDD diagnosis DH plunged into a deep depression. DH has mental health issues going back a long time. Tbh he’s been vile to ds tonight, saying he’s “not right in the head” and shouting at him “why won’t you speak”. Ds was making noises at the dinner table and DH stormed off saying how he couldn’t stand the noises he makes. Ds is much easier to handle when DH isn’t around tbh. Ds is not the problem now. It’s dh’s dreadful attitude.

OP posts:
Embracelife · 19/08/2019 15:27

Doesn't matter if he mad or bad
He needs to stay away except supervised until you sure there has been a change

Someoneontheweb · 19/08/2019 17:37

Having a child with severe learning difficulties can be like a bereavement and some people simply cannot cope with that.
I don't think it necessarily makes them a terrible person they just need help and support.

Having a child with special needs is hard. The way we deal with it makes us who we are.

Calling a 3 year old child "that thing" and abusing him in front of his 7 year old sibling makes someone a terrible person in my book. There are lots of options to have a breakdown without abusing anyone.

Winter2019 · 19/08/2019 17:44

Honestly, what a horrible dad....

legolegolegolego · 19/08/2019 17:51

Someoneontheweb - I agree. I just don’t know how I will move past this. He saw a doctor today and they have upped his antidepressant dose, he is going to have therapy too. He saw the children briefly today but has gone back to his mothers again. It’s very difficult as I rely on dh for childcare while I work. I need to have a long think about my next step. We are seeing a special needs support worker this week (it was booked ages ago).

OP posts:
HappyHammy · 19/08/2019 18:53

Would your mum or his mum be able to look after the children, at your house for a while. Can you take some annual leave or unpaid leave. The 7 yo will be back at school soon. Look at what benefits you might get if hes not living there, did he contribute financially, can he go to work and you look after the DC. It will work itself out. Hes being looked after, you need help and support too.

Peanutbutterforever · 19/08/2019 20:36

He'll get 50% custody though.

Someoneontheweb · 19/08/2019 20:49

He'll get 50% custody though

Not if he continues to be an unfit parent.

Apileofballyhoo · 19/08/2019 21:02

I knew from reading your description of his behaviour at the start of the thread that an addiction would come into it somewhere. I don't know how long you've been coping with an active addict but I'd recommend looking at Nar-Anon or Al-Anon. I don't think there's an addict in the world that doesn't have mental health issues, if they didn't they wouldn't be addicts. But what they are great at is getting other people to make allowances for their shit, while acting like irresponsible children themselves.

So you need to draw a line and remember your DH is responsible for himself and his choices and you are only responsible for yourself and your children, and your role in life is to do what is best for the three of you, not doing something that is a compromise and makes allowances for him. Best for you and the DC. Remember that. Fuck keeping the family together.

CorBlimeyGovenor · 19/08/2019 21:14

@legolegolegolego

I am genuinely soooo proud of you!! Honestly, well done for taking those important few steps and for putting things in place so quickly, despite having so much to deal with!

Honestly, you are doing so so well!! Things will start to fall into place for you, bit by bit. Well done! You are one strong lady! Flowers

BeUpStanding · 19/08/2019 21:42

Yes well done lego - this is fantastic progress. We're all rooting for you. Keep posting here Flowers

Embracelife · 19/08/2019 22:24

Speak to social services local offer children with disabilities about nursery or specialist childminder

HappyHammy · 19/08/2019 22:30

There are plenty of people who have become addicted to drugs who have no m.h. issues.people who take painkillers or sedatives for illness. People who have experienced mental or physical abuse or trauma.

AldiChocolate · 20/08/2019 20:56

OP I feel like I am in the same boat as you. My DH does not make any allowances for the differences between my 6 year old DS with additional needs, and my 4 year old NT DS. He says disgusting and hurtful things about DS6, like "he isn't normal", "he is deranged". And he inflames situations that just don't need to be difficult, into full scale shouting on his part, leading to meltdowns from DS6.

Thank you for your post, I feel some of the replies have really spoken to me. I hope you are able to get support and improve things for you and your children. Flowers

fleshmarketclose · 20/08/2019 21:06

This really heartbreaking. I have a son and a daughter with autism and yes it was so difficult when they were young but I would never have tolerated anyone treating them like your h is. It's completely abhorrent, your ds needs treating kindly and sensitively. I would be really worried about leaving him with ds whilst you work. Please call the police and tell them to remove him from your home and take steps to keep him away. Your children shouldn't be subject to such abuse.

GiveMeHope103 · 21/08/2019 14:40

Aldi I really hope you are not with your 'DH' because that would make you just an bad as him for allowing this.

ToddlerTwinsAndUnhinged · 01/09/2019 10:59

How are things, now? @legolegolegolego

WhoKnewBeefStew · 01/09/2019 12:01

I have a child with severe behavioural issues, both you and your dh have my sympathies.... it’s not easy and unless you’ve been in that situation you really can’t comprehend just how difficult it is and sometimes hopeless it can feel.

I think you need to have a proper sit down conversation with your dh. Also you need to decide what you want to do..

Do you want to continue to care for your dc?

Does your dh really feel that way, or is it a knee jerk reaction when your dc behaviour escalates?

If he does want to continue to care, he needs to take up the opportunity to attend classes and use all the help he can get his hands on (there’s plenty out there, you just need to know where to look for it)

If he doesn’t, and you do, then you do need to think about separating.

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