DH can’t cope with autistic son

[legolegolegolego]

(Reposting In Aibu)DS is struggling to cope with our autistic son. We have a 3 year old boy who’s not yet diagnosed but is on the way to being statemented and having a formal diagnosis. His diagnosis is currently Global Developmental Delay with a severe speech delay. DH struggles to cope with his behaviour (opening and shutting cupboard doors and climbing furniture) and shouts at him if he’s misbehaves. This results in ds screaming loudly and having a meltdown. This evening it came to a head where ds shouted that he can’t cope anymore and that we would have to put ds into care. He said it’s not like he would know where he was anyway. All this in front of our 7 year old. He stormed out of the room before shouting into DS(3) “Do you even know that I’m here?”. It’s not the first time he’s said that he can’t look after him anymore. He has openly regretted us having DS although he says he loves him. He calls me the strong one in our relationship. DS has made good progress in the last few months and is getting lots of support but it’s hard to deal with dh’s negativity and outbursts. We are entitled to free counciling with a Carers centre and hoping that will help. When we received DS’s GDD diagnosis DH plunged into a deep depression. DH has mental health issues going back a long time. Tbh he’s been vile to ds tonight, saying he’s “not right in the head” and shouting at him “why won’t you speak”. Ds was making noises at the dinner table and DH stormed off saying how he couldn’t stand the noises he makes. Ds is much easier to handle when DH isn’t around tbh. Ds is not the problem now. It’s dh’s dreadful attitude.

He's abusing your son. Get him out to fuck.

I’m assuming you are going to protect your children from this and LTB?

He’s abusing your children. Please leave him for their sake if nothing else.

Your husband needs help. As you say, he has become the problem more than your child. It is not acceptable to make those comments especially in front of your other child.

Do you have a social worker? Can you approach social work to be signposted to whatever help there may be for parents?

Does DH think he has a problem with how he is coping?

That is dire, you must be so disappointed with your H. Definitely take the counselling. But if it doesn't change anything, would you consider leaving? It doesn't sound the best atmosphere for your DS.

Is he open to going to the counselling sessions? Because, for me, my next step would depend on him recognising that his behaviour is wrong and whether or not he is taking steps to change it.

Oh my goodness. I have ASD son and however hard it is I never behaved the way your H did.

Please put your child first. Your H has a choice, your child hasn’t.

💐, it is difficult

This is unlikely to get better. If you don't want to split up could you live separately. He's only little and you don't need negativity. If you have support from your family would you be able to run everything on your own . I have seen this myself have two autistic boys and having a less resilient partner falling apart at everything makes life so much harder

He is being verbally abusive to your 3 year old. Ultimately he cant help how he feels and he cant help it if he finds it hard. But he can help his behaviour. He must know that shouting at him wont help anything and therefore is just doing it out of anger and frustration.....being abusive. U need to tell him clearly u wont stand for it. It's not right no matter what he thinks/feels. It's a lot for u on top of your sons needshope u are ok. Call him out on it.

Why wouldn't he know where he is? Fuck sake as a mum of an autistic child and GDD thats a gross thing to say! He will know his bloody mum and dad. To be honest you have to leave him because I bet your son understands more than he's given credit for, and it's abusive. Social services would be all over this shit.

I have a 3 year old DS with ASD. Also non verbal.
It is so so so hard some days.
But if my DP ever spoke to DS the way your husband has, he would be out. It's no good for your DC or for you.

I think the breaking point for me would be him saying he regretted having him, that's unforgivable.

upon and plenty of for you OP.

Oh OP, it must be so hard and desperately feel for you and your DH. However, it is not okay to verbally abuse your son, he can't help it.

Is living sperately an option, even short term until he (your DH that is) can access support for his depression?

Children put a strain on any relationship but you accept when you have kids that you must accept the bad with the good and if he can't cope you need to put your children's wellbeing first - I know you know this but please leave, even if it's just in the short term.

Having a child with additional needs can come as a great shock - if course it can. We can all have days where we feel feel about it or lose our tag - agaib normal.

What isn't normal is bawling and shouting at a 3 year old, saying they regret them and saying they should go into care. All of this will not be helping the child in question or anyone else for that matter.

If your son is easier to handle when your hisband isn't around then that suggests to me that he is picking up on your husband's negativity.

I think it's time you had a very serious and frank conversation with your husband. Go to the counselling and access support through any other means or he needs to live elsewhere - at least for the time being.

I have told him to go tonight. He’s shouted at him again and called him “that thing”. It’s awful. He talks constantly about how he can’t cope with ds but the problem is all DH. I told him not to speak to him like that and he said “what does it matter, he doesn’t understand me anyway”.

Good grief - sorry for typos!

Should be 'feel crap' and 'lose our rag'

"that thing" what an utter twat, I'm sure he will use his mental health bollocks as an excuse but if that was my husband I'd never want to see him again. Sod his depression.

Has he gone as you asked him to? I hope so for you

Having read your most recent post, I'm be making his absence more permanent!

Also what the f is he doing judging a 3 year olds behaviour? My NT 3 year old bloody climbs and makes noises sometimes. As you've said he is making progress, he is autistic but he is also a toddler and toddlers do weird stuff sometimes! I can never tell what's toddler stuff and whats autistic stuff with my son, who cares he's bloody 3!

I told him not to speak to him like that and he said “what does it matter, he doesn’t understand me anyway”

I understand you and so does our 7 y/o, so pack your stuff and leave.

In an ideal world, everyone would be able to cope with a child with SN. In reality, it's just not always so. Some time apart is what's needed here so I'm glad he's gone. At one point, my son's behaviour and conditions drove me to move on from suicidal ideation to planning how to execute it, so I can understand the strain. I'm glad he's gone. Autism sadly breaks out a lot of marriages - it's very hard to deal with for the family often .

Has he gone now then? Document everything and kick him out.

Oh your poor boy ,your poor wee mite .

Exactly! I asked him if he would speak to a newborn baby like that? Basically could you say whatever you wanted to a child or even an animal because they can’t understand you? Twisted logic. He uses his mental health issues as an excuse to behave terribly.

He's three. Of course he will know that daddy is yelling at him in anger and saying mean things.
Having a non nt child is hard. Bloody hard. They have enough challenges in their life without those closest behaving like playground bullies. Once he has gone, the dynamic will change. Please do not feel guilty on his behalf or allow him to make it about him. What he has done is through frustration, disappointment and not understanding the world your son lives in. It is his problem to work out not yours to do it for him. You have enough on your plate and deserve the support of the man who chose to walk by your side for better or worse. If he cannot behave like a daddy and husband then let him walk far away from your lives.

wow thats not right

Has he gone now, its abuse and he needs help controlling his anger, does he know anything about autism, or anything about children.