DH can’t cope with autistic son

[legolegolegolego]

(Reposting In Aibu)DS is struggling to cope with our autistic son. We have a 3 year old boy who’s not yet diagnosed but is on the way to being statemented and having a formal diagnosis. His diagnosis is currently Global Developmental Delay with a severe speech delay. DH struggles to cope with his behaviour (opening and shutting cupboard doors and climbing furniture) and shouts at him if he’s misbehaves. This results in ds screaming loudly and having a meltdown. This evening it came to a head where ds shouted that he can’t cope anymore and that we would have to put ds into care. He said it’s not like he would know where he was anyway. All this in front of our 7 year old. He stormed out of the room before shouting into DS(3) “Do you even know that I’m here?”. It’s not the first time he’s said that he can’t look after him anymore. He has openly regretted us having DS although he says he loves him. He calls me the strong one in our relationship. DS has made good progress in the last few months and is getting lots of support but it’s hard to deal with dh’s negativity and outbursts. We are entitled to free counciling with a Carers centre and hoping that will help. When we received DS’s GDD diagnosis DH plunged into a deep depression. DH has mental health issues going back a long time. Tbh he’s been vile to ds tonight, saying he’s “not right in the head” and shouting at him “why won’t you speak”. Ds was making noises at the dinner table and DH stormed off saying how he couldn’t stand the noises he makes. Ds is much easier to handle when DH isn’t around tbh. Ds is not the problem now. It’s dh’s dreadful attitude.

I’m so sorry OP. This sounds awful. My DS1 has fairly severe autism and your DH’s attitude has made my blood run cold. I’m very lucky that my DH and I are a team and our DS is at the centre of our team. You need support, and so do both of your boys.

People need longer to deal with not having the child they thought they were having. It's easy for people to say ltb. But where does that leave you and your children?

You need him to go. I hope the counselling helps.

Your DH needs help. I am ashamed to say i behaved in a similar way with my dd and had similar outbursts and my DH was you and held the family together. Having a child with additional needs is hard and you grieve the child you didn’t have.
Can you have a firm conversation with your DH and suggest he starts counselling to try to cope and learn to accept your son for who he is? My dd died from her health issues and I will always regret the outbursts and feelings I had, even if they were rare.

Unforgivable, get rid. Fuck his problems, there’s zero excuse for treating a child like that, especially an autistic child

Oh OP this is awful

I’m glad you’ve asked him to leave

Having a child with additional needs is extremely difficult but an adult is supposed to be able to control how they speak to a child

Your husband clearly needs to agree to counselling as he is obviously struggling massively and his behaviour is not acceptable.

My best mates DH struggled terribly with the diagnosis of their son, he is now 6 and is really only now getting a handle on things. They never used counselling (unsure if it was ever offered ) but I know he would have benefitted from it. He said he felt like he was mourning has child's future life and just didn't know how to communicate with him. He never behaved like this but did struggle.

How is your eldest child in the midst of all of this? It must be terrible hearing your own father say this about your sibling.

As a self harmer, pre-emptively (or post) blaming it on another person is shameful, weak, and disgusting.

Phone your mum, his mum, your best friend, anyone else that cares about you all and tell them everything. Tell them you want him out but he won't go. Get them there. You need to get this open and all the people close to you need to know. They can help you.

He's behaved despicably. And he may be in the middle of his own mh thing. This is bigger than you and him.

Hope you're going to be OK.

((((((hugs)))))))

He is being an awful awful human being.

He doesn't deserve to be part of your home. He needs to leave.

OP, I know exactly what you are talking about. I will PM you when I have a moment.

This is heart breaking. Your poor children. Get rid of him immediately OP. He’s an adult who has to deal with his own issues, but has shown he’s not safe around your children. To not easy, but once you are own your own you will be able to concentrate on your lovely boys without that arsehole distracting you. Big hug.

The police would remove him OP. If you can explain he has been screaming at your three year old, give them the examples you've given here, that he's threatened to kill himself and he's refusing to leave. He is disgusting

This. The police will remove him. Do you think he may become violent?

The 3 year old may not understand the words, but he's obviously understanding the meaning and reacting badly to the shouting if he's having meltdowns. Your 7 year will of course understand and be very upset too.

Tigger - I do worry about how all of this is affecting older ds. DH pointed to ds (3) saying “there’s nothing there. There’s absolutely nothing in there” (his head). Ds(7) bless him stuck up for 3yo and said how smart he was and how many new words he’s learned. 😢

My DC has the same, disordered speech and assessed for ASD.
if your husband is not of benefit to the situation and cant cope, then he might as well not be there.
Life hard enough with dc's challenges, DH should be supportive, not adding to the issues. I absolutely get that it's hard, I find it a huge struggle, exhausting, completely turned over my life. Even when i get it completely wrong, my intentions are in the right place. I'm not sure your husbands are.

Your son will most likely understand what being said. Or pick up on the atmosphere.
Your NT older child shouldnt really hear a parent wishing away a child, it's really inappropriate. Or worry if they're not perfect, are they at risk of getting sent away too.

I think you already decided to ask him to go, hence posting here for reassurement....so yes OP, your correct, he cant cope and needs to go atm.

Stop allowing this situation it’s fucking horrific for both your kids. Get the police round

How dare he talk to your ds like that-and using his own mh against himtell him to go away somewhere else your son isnt going to change so he has to leave

I worry about how I’d manage to work if DH wasn’t around. I work part time and he looks after the children when I’m in work. I don’t know how I would manage but I would have to find a way. Feeling utterly alone right now😢

Even at three, your DS will probably understand more than you realise. When my Ds1 was around that age he could say a tiny number of words, but I only had a rough idea of his understanding. Our Health Visitor referred us to an expert who gently questioned DS, with some simple pictures as an aid, and I was absolutely astounded to see how much he knew. He couldn’t express this in words, but he pointed to the right images every time.

I am so sorry that you are going through this with your H. My DH did struggle a bit when DS was diagnosed, but eventually became his biggest advocate. DS is now nearly 30 and a lot of his amazing development is due to his DF.

As an aside, through all of the years spent with similar families with children who have ASD, it is so sad to see how many fathers just can’t hack it. I do hope that your H sees the light soon.

And there you go your 7 year old is more mature than a grown man

what's the home situation, do you own or rent, can he leave and go and stay somewhere else, while he is asleep pack a bag for him and tell him his taxi is on its way, you don't need this man in your life. Does he shout and stomp about in front of anyone else or just you and your poor poor kids. Any grandparents around who could come and help you with some moral support, do they know what's been going on.

Oh Lego, you really cannot live with a man who is verbally abusive to his and your little boy. If your husband will move out and rent a flat or even a room, you can still spend time together and hopefully have specialist counselling. There are many people who have an autistic child or some other problem who are able to access support - which they need. Please do look into it.

It's difficult enough at times bringing up a child who is not autistic and I feel for all three of you but you cannot go on as you are. You can't trust your husband not to lose his rag.

Dear op my heart is hurting for you.
Why do things happen at weekends, nights or bank holidays. But you and your children are at risk . Phone the police who will have a family unit . Your elder child has seen and heard enough from his father. The person who is supposed to love and care for him.
non of this is your fault. But your partner needs help and his behaviour is dangerous. It is hard but please ring the police or womans aid .

Thank you all. I feel like something broke tonight in my marriage. 😢

A) You may well be entitled to benefits
B) Your son's behaviour may well improve when your husband leaves.

Have you other family support?

OP, I don’t think it’s safe to let your DH have sole charge of the DC while you’re at work. He’s already screaming at DS, and sounds at the end of his tether. How long before he becomes violent?
Please try to make some other childcare arrangement, at least until DH has had counselling and anger management sessions.