The fucker continues the abuse of kids

[greenberet]

So yesterday I posted how proud I was of both dc getting great grades and first choice uni places and the relief after too many years of worry

Just to point out how well Ds did - he is the second highest in his year point wise - which is bloody fantastic - he had the opportunity to upgrade but has stuck with his choice. The school I believe had written him off!

Well it didn’t last long.

Ds has to secure his accommodation by Sunday - he is off inter railing on sunday for 3 weeks with friends - all paid for by himself from his weekend job - he has been working both sat & Sunday for the last 8 months or so - originally it was just to Christmas but he managed to keep it up.

He is working tomorrow his last day and trying to pack.

The x has said he will pay £250 of his £550 accommodation deposit - he has told ds to phone his GF - x DF - to ask him to release some of the money he holds from the death of x mother - probably in some account that needs notice - and a possibility that GF will not agree - what then?

Ds is now panicking saying he doesn’t want to go - he is getting overwhelmed by the emails coming from the uni - this is typical behaviour of ds - all of which could be eradicated by x just paying the deposit

Will he fuck - he would rather have ds worrying about this for the next two days and not being able to go off on his holiday - ds was already meant to be at a leaving do tonight but has bailed out.

This is all so reminiscent of the school fees saga - x has to have a hold over them both - he was quite happy to attend school with ds yesterday no doubt to take some of the glory despite not paying the school fees for the last two years.

I’ve paid it despite my own precarious financial situation- I would rather not eat than see ds worry.

I’m documenting this still as I’m in liaison with Women’s Aid -

The sooner the kids can cut loose from this fucker the better.

By the way his maintenance will now stop - he’s £840 a month better off - but still holds the kids to a fucking ransom

This is your thread for your support, and some are not giving it.

@Truthontrial - x post

I ve said what I’m going to do - not stonewalling as this is an abusive trait

I get that people can only see / hear what they want to see/ hear when they are ready to - I believe this is a self protection mode - I can look back on things that have happened to me and asked myself how did I miss this when it was so glaringly obvious

Before some of you jump on this and say yes this is what I am doing know - I will defend my position and say not! However some of you will still no doubt tell me I am wrong.

I cannot do anymore - @Truthontrial - thank you for continuing to stand by me - all it takes is just one person to make you realise you are not alone - thank you for being this person. This is what matters in this world x

@ItsInTheSpoon and to you too x

It's difficult op to get a whole view on threads like yours because you are channelling one aspect of your life which is understandably negative and we only have insight into that.

My therapist has said we have no right to expect anything from anyone, conditional or otherwise. That expectations of others lead to disappointment and a feeling of being let down if they are not met, because we cannot control anyone else's behaviour. So developing expectations of our self and having strong boundaries and communicating those clearly is what's key. It's a tough call. I'm crap at all that but do have to remind myself that I alone am responsible for my happiness. I'm not sure unconditional support truly exists in real terms because there's always a condition to every interaction we have, even if it's not immediately obvious. But I get what you mean.

I'm glad you're feeling less angry. That's got to feel a bit of a relief. Being angry is exhausting. Your DC will work it out eventually op and they've done really well. In the meantime, take one day at a time and do the best you can.

Good luck to you OP. I was too harsh in what I said to you last night. However, for me some harsh realities (granted not delivered in the way I did last night) were what got me on the road to recovery. I had a few different therapists, some whom didn't speak, some whom blamed my mother and one very good one who helped me to take responsibility for my own feelings, rather than putting the blame on past events. They helped me to realise that childhood trauma and an emotionally unavailable mother was the trigger for the breakdown I had, but that ultimately I was responsible for my own feelings and actions now.

Support isn't always about hearing what you want to hear, that's just enabling. It's often about hearing what you are not ready to hear and it makes you angry and defensive, but it doesn't mean it has been given with that purpose in mind. That's just your reaction to it. Many posters (and I don't include myself there, I was too harsh) were giving you that and you didn't see it and attacked them.

I saw people who were so very ill and completely unable to function on any normal level when I was in hospital and I do think this triggers me when I see what I perceive as someone not helping themselves. For me this was a kind of awakening as I realised that I could and had to start really helping myself to get better and stop seeing myself as a victim, which I used to do frequently. My actions and feelings in my head were not in my control, they were caused by my past, but seeing these people who no matter what therapy, medication or help they received would ever be 'better' was like an epiphany in my own mind to start taking responsibility, accept help, separate myself from toxic influences in my life and stop blaming others.
However, I accept that this is my story and possibly I was projecting on you last night and I apologise for that.

I hope you find some peace in your life and also I hope you can get to the place where you can disengage from your ex. Try to separate the support you get for what it is. Sometimes enablers can be just as damaging as unsupportive people, because they help you to remain stuck exactly where you are or even regress.

This is your thread for your support, and some are not giving it.

What ? There is no question in the OP - it's just a rant as usual .What are people supposed to say - oh yes just keep on ranting and keep on in the same path ?

Good post expat and well done you for not letting your past dictate your present and future.

Thanks TheStuffedPenguin. I'm not perfect, I still struggle with my emotions, but I just try to deal with them in a proactive way, because I know the spiral that happens when you ignore them or indulge them too much and become overwhelmed. Going low/no contact with toxic people is also the best way to keep a healthy mind, for me.

I agree with you . I have cut off several toxic people in the last couple of years and as a "yes" person this has been difficult to do but so rewarding . Time is too short for unnecessary misery.

I don't really understand this bit.

Actually those that I have spoken to see how determined I am - my GP and have told me to pursue this as far as I can - another solicitor. I can see that some professionals would tell others to disengage if they thought this was best

Pursue what?

I think a lot of posters are replying from the perspective that your involvement with him is entirely finished and you just "can't let this go". If you're actually starting up some kind of legal battle then obviously you aren't going to be disengaging in the same way and won't have the closure.

Well yes, your anger and hurt IS justified. BUT you cannot control your ex's behaviour. Therein lies the road to madness.

She is not trying to control her ex, please point out where you get that from?

He is trying to control her and her dc.

Why have you said this, and once again, the 'madness' reference?

But her ex isn't trying to control her, he has moved on, he doesn't care. He is happy with his new partner, he could even be married to her OP wouldn't know. He has no contact with her and hasn't had for years.

Their financial involvement has completely ended, he doesn't need to see, or even think about her ever again.

Maybe I have used the wrong expression there green

What I mean by it is knowing your own mind and sticking with it. You know what he's done is wrong and kniwing that engaging with an abuser is a headfuck, and its perfectly ok to simply say, no, or walk away.

I think its unfair the amount of justifying that you have felt necessary to do on your own thread for support.

There is nothing wrong with needing to rant sometimes, you are not hurting anyone by doing this, and it really does help to process it, and, as you say, document for evidence.

If you are buikding a legal case for coercive control against him, then good on you. Very few feel able to do this, and the numbers succeeding are woefully low. I applaud you for doing that,if you are. If you are not thats fine too. Noone actually needs to know, or grill you about it.

Pp have said they openly supported you, believed you, through the abuse, acknowledging he is abusive, understanding his tactics, but now they've packed up their bags and so you should you? Well no.

He didn't stop being abusive. He is still that, as demonstrated by his latest lovely abuse of his own dc.

You do this, or else.... Well no to that too.

The main thing is that you see this, clearly.

I am sorry to hear that you are suffering so much with anxiety and depression, possibly PTSD also. I really hope that there are good therapists nearby that you can access, but working through the abusers tactics and putting them where they belong is also part of the healing. For some its also in supporting others.

But her ex isn't trying to control her

Read what hes done, and explain how this is not cercion exactly?
He has no right to dictate conditions. He either gives the promised money, or he doesn't, noone has to dance to his tune anymore, they have nothing to do with him.

@TruthOnTrial have you read the OP's other threads? The is a very big disconnect from what you're seeing and what other posters (including myself) do.

I'm grilling, am I? Talk about reading what you want to read into things. I was merely pointing out that perhaps there would be less advice to let it go if the OP had made it clear that actually her legal and financial involvement is not in fact over. I have a relative whose ex keeps taking them to court and of course nobody is telling said relative to just get over it.

Green I was talking about what you suggested abused women do, not you. It's not all about you. I noticed you backtracked and said you meant that they should pull together to make the true numbers known. That is not what you first said. I'm not going to argue with you, you're clearly in the middle of something here and wish you and your kids well.

I am taking OPs post as it is. I have no need to go rooting around into her history.

From what she's posted, he's been financially coercively controlling. I came here to give her support for still being subjected to this. What I also seeis that others are denying this despite what she's said.

Then set about arguing with her about her own situation. If you disagree, and can see you are not helping any, why persist and not simply let go yourself. Seems so ironic, doncha think?

Maybe, more to the point, hypocritical.

He hasnt changed, and most likely wont.

As for the poster that made something out of op hitting ex on the chest.

I wonder what she thinks, and others, of women that have killed their abusers? Sally Challoner comes to mind.

She was, and is a victim of coercion. It takes some sorting through, and during that time needs to be absolutely about the support and validation.

If you have none to give simply step away, instead of haranging and continual arguing.

What do you want to do to this woman who you all admit has been abused?

Whatever it is, OP has been firm about her view and if you can't respect that, it speaks volumes about you and your motives.

But truth, they aren't together anymore. This isn't physical abuse or emotional, or stalking, it is financial abuse being spoken of. His finances are his own, how can he possibly still be financially abusing the OP from a distance when they are financially completely separated?
What he is doing is dilly dallying his children about money or putting terms and conditions on it. This can easily be remedied as they are of adult age, by not taking his word seriously as he is after all, known as financially abusive, and anything they do receive, to think of it as a bonus and not pander to him.

Truth if you're really taking only this thread into account then it's really fucked up that you're comparing her ex with guys that have tortured their Wives. Really fucked up.

OPs ex was financially shady, he wasn't some monster. His great crime was leaving her for another woman, months after telling her he didn't love her anymore. Oh and becoming suicidal for months, which she sneers at now. Ever since, every time this man breaks wind, it's "abuse".

So perhaps you should check yourself before you make these histrionic comparisons.

Like I said, I am taking this at face value.

He is still being coercive.

If you dont like OP, and her posting why don't you step away instead of arguing every single word said on here?

Bandying about terms like 'histrionic' is not conducive to constructive discussion, and the opposite of reasonable.

22.37Pm
@greenberet you are out of order and I have reported this post. You have been abusive to everyone on here. I hope this thread is taken down. You owe Expat an apology.

That makes sense.