The fucker continues the abuse of kids

[greenberet]

So yesterday I posted how proud I was of both dc getting great grades and first choice uni places and the relief after too many years of worry

Just to point out how well Ds did - he is the second highest in his year point wise - which is bloody fantastic - he had the opportunity to upgrade but has stuck with his choice. The school I believe had written him off!

Well it didn’t last long.

Ds has to secure his accommodation by Sunday - he is off inter railing on sunday for 3 weeks with friends - all paid for by himself from his weekend job - he has been working both sat & Sunday for the last 8 months or so - originally it was just to Christmas but he managed to keep it up.

He is working tomorrow his last day and trying to pack.

The x has said he will pay £250 of his £550 accommodation deposit - he has told ds to phone his GF - x DF - to ask him to release some of the money he holds from the death of x mother - probably in some account that needs notice - and a possibility that GF will not agree - what then?

Ds is now panicking saying he doesn’t want to go - he is getting overwhelmed by the emails coming from the uni - this is typical behaviour of ds - all of which could be eradicated by x just paying the deposit

Will he fuck - he would rather have ds worrying about this for the next two days and not being able to go off on his holiday - ds was already meant to be at a leaving do tonight but has bailed out.

This is all so reminiscent of the school fees saga - x has to have a hold over them both - he was quite happy to attend school with ds yesterday no doubt to take some of the glory despite not paying the school fees for the last two years.

I’ve paid it despite my own precarious financial situation- I would rather not eat than see ds worry.

I’m documenting this still as I’m in liaison with Women’s Aid -

The sooner the kids can cut loose from this fucker the better.

By the way his maintenance will now stop - he’s £840 a month better off - but still holds the kids to a fucking ransom

Truth, we know this - a lot of us have experience of men who try to control us and/or our kids after divorce. However we can control the way we react to them. Our kids also, when they become adults, can choose likewise
It doesnt stop them abusing you, and I am sorry that you have experienced this, but many women do not fare as well and I would hope anyone still going through this would be getting support from those who say they understand it.

I am really surprised at the lack of empathy on here.

You talk as if everyone bar OP moves on, gets over it, etc, its simply not true!

Some women get murdered after escaping, some become suicidal, some never recover or return to any kind of normal life. The psychiatric secure womens units are over 90 occupancy with abuaed women.

I feel you are being more than a little harsh, and really not reflective of the reality.

Green, I have never said you have to agree with everyone. But you seem to have lost perspective in your reaction to just about everything that myself and others post.

I post like all the other posters have, in an effort to try to help.

I’ll repeat what I asked you upthread:

Can I ask why to you continue to post on here, seeing as in your eyes we are similar to your ex in that you feel that what we regard as supportive, helpful answers, you term as abusive? In what way do you see this as being helpful to you? Have you considered that you might get better helped in real life?

If you are not helping, which you have recognised you are not, why, as OP has asked, do you continue to harangue her? If your help isn't helping then just step away instead of arguing with her, surely?

no over - I have not lost perspective

The majority on here I do not agree with - I think it is them that have little perspective - bullies never work alone - they need the support of others to give them false bravado

I have stated why I continue to post - I have asked you why you continue to read my posts.

What help are you referring to in RL?

Truth It's your dcs money, over50 and he owes it them.

They deserve that, and its for their support

If you mean this is the OP’s DC’s money, then from what I understand this is money left by the DC’s grandmother and controlled by their grandfather. It is not known how this money has been retained. It might, for example be in a discretionary trust and to be used as seen fit by the grandfather to be distributed when he believes it is needed to the DC. This could, for example be for a deposit on a house after uni. The DC have a full uni grant which should cover all costs needed. Any deposit paid can be refunded at the end of the year.

This issue is between the DC and the grandfather, and under terms that mean it is not necessarily owed them, rather it depends on what it is needed for.

Yes, a lot of us have suffered abuse of some form or another. However the OP’s perception of abuse has become somewhat skewed to the point that posting on here is not helping, rather fuelling her negative thoughts.

Truly you might be trying to help, but some of us have followed from the start which is why some of the posts might seem somewhat blunt.

@over50andfab

this is where you doubted what I am saying

I think whatever he chooses to do - and it is his choice - will be wrong in your eyes green

If you think this of me then any advice support whatever you want to call it is from this perspective of yours and therefore not relevant to me.

Everything he has done has had an ulterior motive - maybe not always apparent at the time but comes out later! Every single bloody thing - most people say abusers cannot change - that it is an inherent personality flaw - yet on here sometimes he is abusive other times not.

This does not make sense!

Green, I won’t argue with you. You will continue to think almost every poster is wrong. While this happens you are not being helped as continuing to argue is actually what you want.

Take care

@over50andfab - I think truth was referring to you and your DCs - correct me if I’m wrong @TruthOnTrial please

Suffered abuse of some form or another- you say your x has no contact therefore you do not know what it is like to continue to suffer abuse even though the divorce has gone through and there is no logical reason for doing so - do you?

I asked you why you continue to follow my posts - are you going to answer?

I have lost sympathy with you green beret. If your posting here bears any resemblance to real life you understand why your husband had had enough. I only hope you can realise this before your children reach this conclusion too.

(And before you comment, I am not separated or suffering my issues so I am not projecting)

Over50 - I think that is a cop out - actually another abusive tactic - cannot or will not explain your justification for your reasoning - but put it back on me - I am not here to argue but I will not take abusive behaviour - isn’t that what recovery is all about being able to recognise abuse in all its forms -

I take it you mean well - I would have far more respect for you if you acknowledged that you have said some hurtful things rather than just withdraw - but I also understand that this is a “hangover” from abusive relationships - not to show any sign of vulnerability for it may be pounced on and used against you or seen as a weakness.

I have no problem showing my vulnerability - because this makes me real - not living some false version of myself - and I also know that vulnerability is a sign of strength - makes us open to connecting with people on a real empathic level. Some will use this as an opportunity to exploit but as I have already said says more about them than me

Green, just to repea.... I explained why I continue to post already - see at 8.21.

Also see my post at 7.29 where you said you hoped those of us that helped before were still helping. Yes we are.

As for contact, to clarify, my ex has tried on many occasions to have contact with them. Where he still tries he is ignored. He lives very close to us. But as they, like your kids, are adults, it is their choice as to what they want. Because of this there is no further impact from him on their lives.

As I said, take care

@MrsWobble3

I have lost sympathy with you green beret

Ok don’t bother posting then!

If your posting here bears any resemblance to real life you understand why your husband had had enough

I’m assuming you mean “ I understand...”

this is one aspect of my life - I don’t post the good bits - don’t need to

And before you comment, I am not separated or suffering my issues so I am not projecting

I did ask if you were OW or stepmum. - don’t think you answered - are you?

think whatever he chooses to do - and it is his choice - will be wrong in your eyes green

If you believe this over50 this would be invalidating and unsupportive of women who suffer abuse, and your advice would seem wholly inappropriate under the circumstances.

Abusers dont change, and it is clear from this thread that what he has done is abusive. Its coercive control, and because tou cant see that doesn't make it ok to set about arguing with OP and disbelieving her.

This is not what supporting women is about.
If you dont aupport her, please don't make efforts to try to knock her down.

MN has a policy of believing abused women, shame you don't.

@over50andfab - I asked why you continue to read?

Not why you continue to post - I know why you continue to post

I asked why you continue to read - if you say I never listen never have in the 4.5 years - why do you continue to read?

If your posting here bears any resemblance to real life you understand why your husband had had enough

That is one of the nastiest things I have heard said to a woman thats suffered abuse. Its the sort of thing one imagines the supporters of her ex would be saying.

Truly awful. Whether you agree with her or not,how is this an opportunity to denigrate her in this way?!

Whats going on, on this thread.

Did I wander into AIBU? Its really how its feels here with the hostility being shown to an abused woman.

Poor, very poor indeed.

Honestly Green - you really need to stop! This nasty way of speaking to anyone who dares challenge your narrative is just terrible. I think you need to step away from the computer and go have a word with yourself. This behaviour is mean and so damaging - you are painting yourself in the very worst light!

So many of us are victims of past abuse - you are not the only person who has suffered at the hands of an ex. But you seem determined to cling onto being a victim at any cost. For your own sanity and your relationship with your children, please just stop.

And for the record - my ex has not seen nor contacted our DC for 8 years and any pennies I received were attachment to earnings via CMS. I texted him recently inviting him to the graduation. I don't expect a reply nor him to turn up, but if he does I will stay away and try and promote his relationship with his child in the kindest way I can. Not because of the abuse he did but because he is a parent too. One of us has to demonstrate a bit of grace and kindness despite how very many wrongs him and his OWomen committed. And hitting that Mecca of Meh is far greater reward than point scoring, slagging off or rowing over a spatula from Ikea.

Thank you @TruthOnTrial - I just sent you a pm - basically saying this goes on every time I come on here - so much so that I doubt myself despite how I post - I question myself have I got this wrong every time

I am blubbing now because when I hear someone else say what I am going through it makes me realise that what I have been through and still going through is real - that my perspective is not skewed, that my MH is not an issue and I have not been believed so many times not just on here but in RL too

I continue to fight because this stuff needs to be out there - this stuff needs to be understood, there needs to be no doubt in anyone’s mind so that no woman (or man) is ever disbelieved - because I can tell you this does more damage than the actual abuse.

I’m out now

@HeavenlyEyes - a bit of grace and kindness - you show this to an abuser but not to a person who has been abused - where is your head?

Your x does not have a relationship with your DC - you are not promoting anything. WHy the fuck have you invited him to the graduation - he is not a parent he is a stranger - not seen him or had contact for 8 years!

You need to stop believing what you are being told because it is bollocks! I do hope you haven’t told your DC you invited him! FFS!

Don't you see? Those advising you to stop are showing you kindness? I really do give up. You are determined to be the victim of all of us and see us as abusers too - laughable! Can you not see that the damage you are causing here is to yourself and your children. Maybe you should stop trotting out your victim status and find it in your heart to forgive. Maybe then you can set yourself free of this destructive cycle of utter nonsense.

Or are you going to accuse everyone who refuses to agree with your fury of being a nasty, abuser too?

So many women I know have been through the same and far, far worse than me. We have helped and supported one another and often given each other a much needed kick up the backside when needed. And I am grateful for being told to get the fuck over myself at times. They were right - even if I didn't want to see it myself at the time. Clinging onto the past and holding onto him by keeping this relationship going show me you have not dealt with being dumped at all.

Surely, you do know that being defined by the actions of an ex are pointless and futile?

I no longer have time to care; and yes I will show kindness for the sake of my child. I want to be a parent they are proud of. Not a snivelling wreck who wears the behaviour of their father like a badge of some twisted honour. Honestly I don't have the time. As the sole breadwinner I now have to earn a living and study for my degree and keep fit and spend time having fun with my friends quite frankly. You should try it - is really nice to have a happy life.

To look forward to a future with optimism holds more value to me than looking back with sadness of what some man did. He can live with his actions round his neck like a millstone. I however am free of it.

www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/tech-support/201907/when-one-parent-is-hurtful-and-the-other-stands?utm_source=FacebookPost&utm_medium=FBPost&utm_campaign=FBPost

This whole thread is so sad.

The kids are now adults (although still financially dependent)

I hope the vicious cycle isn't perpetuated. What they've whitenesses is not healthy.

You need to get professional help @greenberet M. What steps are you taking towards this? Or do you just want to wallow in the pain of the past indefinitely? Yes, I know it's still hurting but you need to move on, and I don't think you can do that alone. Until you seek professional help you are agreeing to be hurt by your ex. Make an appointment with your GP tomorrow.

I also hope the OP isn't back in a few years asking why her DS hasn't invited her to his wedding. There have been several such threads recently.

It’s pretty easy to forgive when they are no longer in your lives

I do believe you have no idea what you are talking about - you have no idea what goes on in my life other than what I post on here -

I find your post very patronising - people who have found true forgiveness would not use words like -

laughable at someone’s behaviour
, trotting out your victim status,
destructive cycle of utter nonsense
Or are you going to accuse everyone who refuses to agree with your fury of being a nasty, abuser too?

show me you have not dealt with being dumped at all

Not a snivelling wreck who wears the behaviour of their father like a badge of some twisted honour.

A person who is capable of forgiveness true forgiveness operates from a place of love and they would not use words or phrases that you have. They choose their words very very carefully so that there can be nothing but empathy in their interactions with others.

I’m not so sure you are free of it - you keep yourself busy so you don’t have time to think about it - you are showing your dc false kindness - I wonder how you would cope if your x was suddenly back in your lives?

You have said yourself that you will stay away if he intends to go to graduation- why do you need to do this - you have said you’ve forgiven him so it should be no problem you both being there - I think you are kidding yourself

@LynetteScavo - adult & financially dependant - no such thing in eyes of law!

Make an appointment with your Gp -you are having a laugh he will send me away - saying your still not believing that trash on MN!

Nah I’ll be back in a few years time telling you all what a fantastic life I’m living - except I won’t because you’d all find some reason to rubbish it - jealousy on this unbelievable -

Just to reiterate the kids are being hurt by the x - not me directly

Can’t even show empathy to those that are posting on another thread it seems -

You know there’s a thing that says your words and actions have to match - if there is a contradiction in this the energy you are giving out is negative despite you thinking that what you are saying is positive

And you know what happens with negative energy - it comes back to bite you in the arse - so all these things you are saying about other people - watch out - this is YOUR future in the making!

You are completely self obsessed and the eternal victim, aren't you? In fact, I think this is the most self obsessed post I have read on MN. You have been so defensive with posters who have been sympathetic and given really good advice, because they have used a word/phrase that you don't like.

I suggest you stop hiding behind your depression diagnosis, end the pity party, get your shit together and move on with your life. Stop making excuses about why you can't get a job and banging on and obsessing about your ex. As someone who has been hospitalised in the past with severe depression and spent time in crisis houses, I've met people like you. They had no real drive or desire to get better or for self care. They never tried to find the tools to deal with the stress and triggers for their depression and spent their lives in and out of crisis team care, unable to work and function in life. Generally the people who manage their depression are the ones who make a conscious choice to help themselves. Spending your time with filling your mind with anger and venom towards your ex is not helping yourself at all. Having my daughter was the catalyst for me, even though I got knocked for six with post natal depression and a very traumatic birth. I took every bit of help and therapy I could and then some and dragged myself through some very dark days and found strength I never previously thought I had.

Talking of narcissism, I don't know what kind of mental health professionals you've been seeing, but I find it quite strange that during therapy your ex was referred to as a narcissist. MH professionals worth their salt would not label someone who hadn't been given that diagnosis, nor would they use that language as it would be completely unhelpful to you and unprofessional in terms of therapy.

I suggest you step away from jumping down people's throats on this thread who don't buy into your 'poor depressed me, evil narc ex' rhetoric and invest some time and energy in helping yourself to move on from the obsession with your ex and his partner, stop dragging your poor children into it, as you and your ex have clearly damaged them enough already, and work on yourself and your own happiness. You sound very draining for your children and like you have narcissist traits. Well, one only has to read the thread to see that!

Find something to fill your time rather than your unhealthy obsession, which is doing the opposite to helping you achieve a healthy mind.