The fucker continues the abuse of kids

[greenberet]

So yesterday I posted how proud I was of both dc getting great grades and first choice uni places and the relief after too many years of worry

Just to point out how well Ds did - he is the second highest in his year point wise - which is bloody fantastic - he had the opportunity to upgrade but has stuck with his choice. The school I believe had written him off!

Well it didn’t last long.

Ds has to secure his accommodation by Sunday - he is off inter railing on sunday for 3 weeks with friends - all paid for by himself from his weekend job - he has been working both sat & Sunday for the last 8 months or so - originally it was just to Christmas but he managed to keep it up.

He is working tomorrow his last day and trying to pack.

The x has said he will pay £250 of his £550 accommodation deposit - he has told ds to phone his GF - x DF - to ask him to release some of the money he holds from the death of x mother - probably in some account that needs notice - and a possibility that GF will not agree - what then?

Ds is now panicking saying he doesn’t want to go - he is getting overwhelmed by the emails coming from the uni - this is typical behaviour of ds - all of which could be eradicated by x just paying the deposit

Will he fuck - he would rather have ds worrying about this for the next two days and not being able to go off on his holiday - ds was already meant to be at a leaving do tonight but has bailed out.

This is all so reminiscent of the school fees saga - x has to have a hold over them both - he was quite happy to attend school with ds yesterday no doubt to take some of the glory despite not paying the school fees for the last two years.

I’ve paid it despite my own precarious financial situation- I would rather not eat than see ds worry.

I’m documenting this still as I’m in liaison with Women’s Aid -

The sooner the kids can cut loose from this fucker the better.

By the way his maintenance will now stop - he’s £840 a month better off - but still holds the kids to a fucking ransom

Being able to access, accept and engage with any help offered, together with wanting to do it for you daughter is what I am guessing got you through it.

I do seriously wonder at your intent in posting this here, given the comments you've made so far.

If you cant see how PA that comes across, I wonder about your role in peer support.

I find it very patronising when CPNs and the like make damaging sweeping statements on forums to posters seeking support, because I have seen some appalling treatment of women at their hands, and others, that bring further harm.

To balance, I have seen brilliant in action too, but the damage done by those who wont listen when the person asking tells them its not helping, yet they insist and wont step back, but harangue the sufferer instead, causing even more harm.

Green, I am still reading for the same reason I am posting, and I have already explained why, even told you exactly where in a previous post. It is there if you look.

As for WA, If you mean that that they agreed with you that we were all being abusive? then I would imagine their advice would be that you are not being helped on here and this might not be the most helpful place for you.

Whatever their response, I think it a great idea that you show it to them.

Truth, I posted in support of another poster who shared her story and has obviously been through a tough time.

Being signposted to the most helpful services for someone who is struggling is incredibly important, and even more important is engaging with those services.

I found reading her post very uplifting and wanted to express well wishes for the future of her and her daughter. .

Anyone questionning OPs continued posting should wonder what they are trying to achieve.

This is OPs thread, looking for support; I've seen lots of the polar opposite from many for many pages.

If you dont want to support, noone is asking you to specifically, but its shocking the way you will not just walk away preferring instead to level vile abuse at OP.

It truly is nasty and shocking

You are destroying a support thread. Utterly destroying it. If thats not your intention, then perhaps state this, but just don't post, seriously.

If OPs post cause you such distress and stir up such venom you would best be served protecting yourselves and moving on from her. Its in your own and her best interests.

If its come to the point that you are finding it exasperating you have to know when to walk away and leave OP to people who actually want to support.

@over50andfab

Is this the post you are referring to

*Green, I have never said you have to agree with everyone. But you seem to have lost perspective in your reaction to just about everything that myself and others post.

I post like all the other posters have, in an effort to try to help.

I’ll repeat what I asked you upthread:

Can I ask why to you continue to post on here, seeing as in your eyes we are similar to your ex in that you feel that what we regard as supportive, helpful answers, you term as abusive? In what way do you see this as being helpful to you? Have you considered that you might get better helped in real life?*

So I get that you post in an effort to try and help

But as you clearly think that I do not listen and have never listened what are you expecting to read?

X-posted

You may say that, but you are on OPs thread basically trying to fight with her, then you something that comes across as loaded as that to another poster, its very insensitove posting to say the least given its what you've been levelling at OP.

If you can't be kind, why are you reading still? ...and posting

I got what I feel is the intent behind over50s post

I also get that she will not directly answer my questions

I meant would you acknowledge that your posts were abusive over50 and apologise or would you continue to deflect as you appear to be doing.

I’ve been all through this with my x with my solicitors - the more you see it the more obvious it becomes - I’ll give the benefit of the doubt and say perhaps there is still a huge learning curve needed!

There are lots here OP that cant see that what he's done is abusive.

That happens, a lot.

There's also care fatigue. Its a common phenomenon for there to be personal time-outs for individuals. Meaning, each can have in mind a time-frame for when someone is over this, and when the persons still suffering it, its unacceptable. Like its taking too long.

There is some of that attitude here, look OP you've been at this 4.5 years its time to move on. We are all better than you because we have done it, and you can't. Thats what seems to be coming through some of these posts.

Its a projection of their own expectations, not whats been going on for you, and what is still disrupting your lives.

Once an abuser always an abuser. There seems to be expectation that he's changed. One pp even went so far as to blame you for his abuse. Totally out of order and unacceptable on an abuse thread.

I think you need to step back prawns

What are you hoping to achieve in making a sick joke like this?

Green, because sometimes it can take a while to realise that you might need more, perhaps professional, help than MN can give, as on here it just seems to be spinning out your hurt and anger towards your ex. Unless someone agrees with you it becomes an argument. This is something I do hope that at some point you come to realise.

This is also why your suggestion of showing this thread to WA might be helpful to you. I did agree with you on this. I am in no way trying to fight with you. You actually expressed gratitude to those of us who helped you years back further upthread, and we can see how you are still struggling so much to accept what has happened.

Truth, my role in peer support - I am apparently, according to those I have supported, very well regarded. I feel I have certainly been of help, which is my aim.

Right, time for bed. Hope everyone sleeps well and tomorrow’s a new day.

Green, I have responded to all of your questions. If Indon’t wish to then I will just say so. What I will not do is argue with you, which I have already stated, and will not respond to goading.

Which of my posts and what in particular that I have said do you regard as abusive? Not expecting an answer tonight as I’ve posted quite a bit and off to sleep now anyway.

I think Student Finance should pay The Maintenance Loan first payment as soon as the offer of accommodation and acceptance on the course has been confirmed, I know you have struggled @greenberet alongside a few others struggling with the deposit.

Your ex will always behave like this, please believe me when I say you need to rise above it all and let all his shit just go over your head. I have got an ex exactly like yours and I cannot even begin to tell you the shit he caused my kids and I, I could of literally swung for him. I had to make a decision to either fight against every thing he put me through to try clear my name, or think fuck it it's not important and I'm done with it. I chose the latter for my own sanity. I have already figured he will never ever be the dad the kids want him to be so now I don't care and I do everything for my kids myself. Life is so much easier!

Its been made very clear that your posts are not though over50 yet you still seem to regard yourself as being, what was it, very well regarded

Well, you are peer supporting in a very vulnerable group indeed, the easiest in many ways, in terms of feedback. They have soent many years in training telling the worst people on the planet how lovely and loved they are

Its what abused women learn to do, and find very hard to stop, especially to those helping them.

I'm not saying you are poor in your role, but the reaction you've demonstrated here is indeed very poor, your refusal to see how extremely far from helpful you are being is concerning for someone doing peer support. You are being told this firmly.

I also disagree you are answering in an open and honest manner all questions.

OP, are you the poster that used to live in Perth? Apologies if not.

He has definitely abused your DS over this deposit money.

Simples.

What to do? Horrible lesson of never trust again well and truly learnt. If your DS counts on receiving money like this in the future, he will learn again that his trust in his father is misplaced.

Its horrible, and throws out all plans, disrupts everything, but he cannot keep his controlling demands out of your affairs.

He will never realise that gifts are given out of love, freely. That money is taken and used and needed, without strings, or life-long gratitude, without expectation of blackmail conditions being met!

I recall someone telling me of their ex who would buy toys for the dc, quite the disney dad, but dictate where those toys could go, so they were his toys effectively as the dc had no ownership of their toys, they were not allowed to have them at others' houses and so on, only to be kept and used at his.

How complicated and awful.

Each time he does something like pulling the rug in this way, mark another notch of knowing how he'll do this again and how to build your resilience against it. I would suggest, just to never trust his word again, or promises of money, or anything.

If you expect nothing, you wont be disappointed

@greenberet if you take one bit of advice from this thread make it be this

And you know what happens with negative energy - it comes back to bite you in the arse - so all these things you are saying about other people - watch out - this is YOUR future in the making!

Yes it is your own advice so maybe you will be prepared to listen to it.

Green, I am so sorry for you, I get that you are unhappy. People here are genuinely trying to help. Many people have tried to help you over the years and some of those early ones are still around. Please please try and see the posts that make you lash out for what they actually are.

Your x is a shit, but thank God he is your x. Your children can now run their own relationships with him or not as they choose. Yes, of course you are their mum and will support them, but think a minute, does that support you want to give them need to be encouraging them to become or stay upset, or is it about making decisions. About the role they will give an unpleasant dad in their lives. You too have that choice. Let it go. You mentioned another relationship which is brilliant. Enjoy that, look forward to a new start and be certain you have given your children a good start on adult life. Now help them towards independence. Independence from the disaster that was your relationship with your x. Note I said ‘was’.

You have been really unkind to people trying to help, let this go now. Find RL support for the next bit, the cutting of old ties and starting a new life. Don’t expect them to always agree with you...that is not support it is enabling and I am sure you are intelligent enough to see the difference. Good luck.

Care fatigue - yes I get this too - one reason I do not look to RL for support - with one exception.

@Sunflowers211 - thank you - I’m sorry you have been through this too - I totally get the decision to think fuck it for your own sanity - believe me I have been here many times but for some reason I can’t leave this alone - and actually I think the driving force behind all this is the protection and mental well being of my kids. Which has always been my motivation.

During the divorce when I was really in the throes of despair and getting bombarded by him left right & centre - I wanted to report him to the police for what he was doing to me and the kids - but I was conflicted with he is the kids father what would this do to them - they clearly still love him - would I be believed and could I cope with this?

This is pretty much where I am now but the anger I felt then that would have propelled me to do this has dissipated - despite what a lot on here seem to think -

This is not directed at you sunflower but if only all these women who have been abused were to come together and use their experience as a means for change I’m sure the sheer number would warrant it. I totally get that most people have had enough and just want to move on as soon as they bloody can - maybe I just want to move on too because this is the easier option as lots have said and the route most travelled!

@over50andfab

My question why you continue to read has not been answered - I am not goading you by repeatedly asking this question or wanting to pick an argument.

You have stated I’ve been posting for years that I do not listen on here and in RL - if you know this why do you keep posting and giving me advice - I’m not sure if I’ve met you in RL?

Some of your group may value your support I get this - but I have learnt that not all advice is for my own good - x was very good at this - at the time it seemed like he had my best interests at heart but he proved that everything was for his benefit ultimately!

I get it - as you have had such good feedback from your peer group you genuinely think that the advice you give is good - you have said yourself you are well regarded.

I have read back your initial posts and they are genuinely helpful - but not to me - as most of your peer group no doubt follow your advice - maybe you think that I will too - however when I repeatedly do not you become frustrated with me and after a while rather than see that this is perfectly normal you become defensive because you think this is an attack on your ability to support and your ego is wounded. I get this - but there is a limit to your understanding and rather than think ok I need to read up on this coercive control - you assume that you are right and knowledgable and that I am wrong.

I have done extensive reading around abuse, NPD, depression, divorce and effects on kids - you see I too want to recover from this - and the only way I can access this level of professional expertise is through their books - I have enough books to start a library! I can read, reread as many times as I need to to understand a situation without getting derailed.

I asked you if WA agree with me and found some of your comments abusive would you apologise to me ? So far you have not replied - maybe you are still thinking on this

I don’t need an answer - I respect your right to not to have to answer me!

@ZeroFuchsGiven - one thing about me - I don’t give out advice unless I have explored the subject extensively and if someone asks me why I think a certain way I can provide my justification.

I had a friend from school who had a particular issue - a boyfriend at the time used to joke about this issue - sometimes I would say that it is not nice to do this even as a joke other times I would laugh with him - I was not consistent with the defence of this friend and I had forgotten all about it until karma did come back to bite me !

So watch out a lot of you will have forgotten about this thread and the hard time I have been given but one day it’s going to hit you hard in the face - not obviously in that it may not happen to you but it will come via someone you love!

You are so disrespectful. Moving on is the easy option and the onus is on abused women to pull together and- what?- enable you? There are no easy options in escaping abuse and moving onwards but only a self-martyrising masochist would actively seek to prolong their own abuse. I have nothing to do with my old abuser, why would I? Why would anyone. I can assure you this is the healthy way forward. Disengage.

I can't leave this alone

Can you not see how dysfunctional that is?
The fact you say the reason behind it is the protection and mental wellbeing of your kids is so skewed. I can't believe any professional encourages you and isn't trying their hardest to persuade you to unlatch, for the wellbeing of your kids.

@Sagradafamiliar - what is disrespectful?

Pull together and make the real numbers of women going through this known - it is a far wider issue than is acknowledged.

only a self-martyrising masochist would actively seek to prolong their own abuse.

I am not looking to prolong my abuse I am educating myself on many aspects of abuse not just the glaringly obvious but the very subtle covert types of abuse that make you question yourself time and time again am I going mad?

And it is only when someone else can break through the “connection” you have with an abuser and say no you are not that you can start to see what is really going on

I can see that for most the only way to deal with it is to disengage - I am not knocking this each person does what is right for them at any given time

The fact you say the reason behind it is the protection and mental wellbeing of your kids is so skewed

This is your perspective it doesn’t make it real

I know in my heart that my kids are the driving force in everything I do - I don’t need you to see this, believe me or acknowledge it

I can't believe any professional encourages you and isn't trying their hardest to persuade you to unlatch

Actually those that I have spoken to see how determined I am - my GP and have told me to pursue this as far as I can - another solicitor. I can see that some professionals would tell others to disengage if they thought this was best

for the wellbeing of your kids

I’m hoping to teach my kids something more than if something does not feel right just walk away - I’m hoping that they will learn that in some instances to stand up and fight (no matter how hard) MIGHT be the right thing to do - because sometimes you might be helping someone that is more vulnerable than you, that hasn’t got the strength to take the next step and if you have the capacity to do this why wouldn’t you?

I believe this is known as compassion - but I expect someone will come along and tell me I’m wrong!

Op I've read your entire thread and many of your other ones. It's not unconditional support you're looking for. It's validation.
Validation of your anger. That it's justified.
Validation of your hurt feelings. That it's justified.

Well yes, your anger and hurt IS justified. BUT you cannot control your ex's behaviour. Therein lies the road to madness.

People on here aren't being abusive apart from one or two unnecessary incidents of name calling. And people have shared their own experiences because that's how people connect as a way of trying to be supportive and helpful.

It's sad to hear that your anger has you going round and round in circles. I do wish you well and yes, the financial and emotional abuse is awful but there is more work to be done I think, to work through the grief that you still feel.

I think you do need to unlatch ...from some of the pp who are no longer listening to your needs, but trying to pick apart every single thing you say, and doing it with name-calling and such vitriol.

Blaming you for being mentally unwell, or having a pd, just utter shite on a forum. Worse still, saying words to the effect of 'no wonder your dh was fed up' or similar.

Its wonderful if posters offer support, but its given freely, with no contract or strings attached.

Living free is about making your own decisions, listening and choosing your path, of whats right for you and the dc.

They all agreed he was abusive and supported you through that

You protected your dc and separated from him,and yes, he is still, and will still try to control you.

Its who he is, and that may affect you for some years to come, or not, but its admirable that you are trying to also raise awareness and campaign a bit through your words, for all women experiencing abuse. A lot do this.

It might be time to practice some stone-walling. They can hear what you're saying and refusing to listen.

This is your thread for your support, and some are not giving it.

@howdyalikemenow

No validation is not what I was looking for - initially I was looking for support and/ or understanding maybe this is loosely the same thing

But support should be unconditional - if it has conditions it is not support is it? I will only help you if you do this ... sounds like control to me

I am not stupid enough to think that I can control his behaviour - I was stupid enough to think his behaviour would change I acknowledge this - but this is my default - generally think people are open to learning and self assessment - obviously way off on this too.

There has not been that much sharing of experiences from what I have read but yes I do know that this helps connection

I have no anger right now or grief - that went a long time ago - but I expect if I continue to read on here that people seem to know what is best for me, seem to have a better understanding of my own situation than I do and make derogatory comments or use an abusive tone my anger will emerge as a way of my body telling me that the company I am in is threatening and I need to take action.

I could post all the positive things going on in my life right now but somehow I don’t think these would be met with a genuinely good heart

So before I get to this stage I’m off - have to be strong here because the urge to tell people to fuck off when I feel my buttons are being pressed is quite strong and I have to try and remember that not everyone is out to stab me in the back, although some would do this whilst smiling at me!