Husband told me he’s been having an affair

[QueenBing]

This morning at 4am my husband (cannot bring myself to use DH) told me that for the last 3 weeks he’s been having an affair with someone from work. We’ve been married for very nearly 11 years. 2 kids, 9 and 7. Lovely home. He’s only known her a couple of months but he thought he loved her after 3 weeks and was even thinking about leaving us to be with her. She’s also married with a child. We had a good talk and he says he wants to stay here, work at our marriage, he’ll do whatever it takes etc. I’m so angry, I can’t think straight.

I don’t want to break up our family, I know that much. I don’t want to throw away 11 years of marriage because he’s been a selfish prick but at the same time I have no clue how to start picking up the pieces. I’m broken.

I am so sorry to hear that this has happened to so many of you. So many of you are so, so strong and I admire you. You are an example to your children and they are lucky to have you.
I booked myself some counselling sessions. Not for couples, just for me to sort my own head out. I’m the only one who can make the decision here so I’m putting myself first and getting myself the help I need.

@TheStuffedPenguin - yeah, I couldn't understand the reasoning for pointing him towards the word 'limerance'. A get-out-of-jail-free card. "I couldn't help it, it's a well-recognised thing, it even has a name. I was helpless."

I think you need to get him out. As long as he's there nothing has changed for him and he's just waiting for it to blow over. I couldn't forgive this, he is revolting and I think that when the initial shock passes you'll be so angry that it would be best for all concerned for you not to set eyes on him for a while.

I have been cheated on in my marriage and I tried to keep things going for a long time, it was a mistake, he just did it again and again and when I finally said enough and got him out was so shocked that I don't think he's ever really got over it. Someone finally said "no, now fuck off" to him.

I got the six counselling talking therapy sessions for free with NHS and spent the first one bawling my eyes out not knowing why he didn’t love me and then the next five once I’d found out about the EM with my counsellor wanting me to get him to her as he’s the one with the problems
My son (who’s also seen school counsellors for the kind of depression his dad seems to have been denying for eons) says of course she’d want to talk about him, I’m of no interest because I didn’t have MH issues, I was just really really sad to have been hurt so badly.
I did spend six months trying to get him to see someone too but he kept putting it off saying he doesn’t have MH issues, he’s just in love with someone else.
Dickhead.
You will get through this. Counsellor wanted to work with us both to try and get what I wanted more than anything - to keep the family together - but ultimately he didn’t want that, so there was nothing there to fight for anymore, just my kids’ futures which are the most important thing to me. Keep that in mind, what do you want for your kids, what can you realistically have for your kids, what can you make happen for their future happiness?

I'm so sorry you are going through this. My exH had an affair with a woman from work when our DD was just 9 months old. He left me for her and I thought my world had ended and that I would never cope with being a single mother. I really wanted him to come home and re establish a family dynamic but never asked him to and thank God I didn't! I'm now 9 years down the line with an amazing DD who I'm extremely close to, a lovely DP of 6 years and a 2 year old DS.
It hurts so much right now but it won't always feel this way, I promise

Can you DM me? I’m new to this and don’t now how. Same situation. Affair been going on for 6 months (he says). All of us in education. Hasn’t said he wants to leave though. I’m walking around in a fog. Not knowing what to do from one day to the next. I honestly feel your pain-x

She sounds unhinged but your DH does too tbh. I think you deserve better they both sound like a pair of losers.

i know this "void" feeling high impact of everything with such force you cant feel a goddam thing. And knowing,regardless-you are forced into..this. honestly. Fuck him. it took him,a married,father..3 weeks. open the windows,throw his stuff out them and get that to fuck.he did it.not you..the man you knew- doesnt exist. Ohhh i feel so disrespectful...ohhh,i was flattered. .whos he kidding. he knows you dont deserve him.cos hes a prick. fuck him. you will be ok.its sore.is as close to grief as gets . except-you;ll have to keep encountering him...by all means develop a workable parenting plan..counselling asap.how dare he treat you like this.
and
as for little miss panicsquwack..hes either blew it.out of respect for you...and guilt... OR.. hes realised she just wanted him for a jump and is badgering for.."lets be together by spilling his guts.whats she gony do.confess?to her man?try to play victim? ..//it doesnt matter wtf she does-cos shes not been hooked up on cause and effect bout you.
put your entire focus on you and the kids.im sorry you got hit wi this.hope he shites cactus for a month.

How are you doing OP? Hope you are getting support in real life.

He’s genuinely remorseful now after he’s had his fun.

He’s an arsehole!
And I’ll always stand by advice my
Mom gave me, if someone loves you they wouldn’t cheat at all because it would risk losing you.
And that is so true, seems bit black and white but honestly I really believe that because I know I would never risk losing my dh so I know I wouldn’t even pursue another man never mind shagging one.

You will never be able to trust him again and him leaving isn’t the easy way out, it’s about you having some self respect and dignity and showing him you won’t be treated like that.
He’s rather bold for admitting it that’s actually quite rare.
I’m so sorry op it’s serisouly awful I’ve been through it myself and felt exactly the same especially seeing as you’ve been together such a long time. You do need to take some time to think through though but do what’s best for you and your kids.

I'm so sorry, the scumbag offloaded because he was feeling massive guilt. I bet he feels so much better now. Do not make it easy for him.

You're going to need time to decide what is best for you and the best way to do that is to tell him to leave for a couple of weeks. It will also be a lesson for him on how shit his life will be without you and the children and I'm sure his parents will be thrilled to learn their darling son has cheated on his wife..

I could never forgive and forget but I know there are women who can and do and you may be one of them. Regardless, it would be wise to get some legal advice and gather up passports and important paperwork and keep them somewhere safe.

Whatever you decide, I wish you the very best of luck.

Limerance is a word thrown about on mumsnet but it is meaningless. All it means is that stage at the very beginning

Oops! ... beginning of a new romantic relationship (illicit or otherwise. Some have longevity others fizzle out).
I agree that diagnosing limerance is a bit of a get out of jail free card. So silly.

Do you think people "just" have affairs and tell their spouse? Or is it perhaps they are deeply unhappy in the marriage (upsetting as it is for you I know) and they're trying to reach out?

Have their been problems in your marriage that have led up to this? ie. lack of physical intimacy, poor communication, depression, tiredness, no time spent together?

This is awful for you but try to find out and comprehend if there are underlying factors on your partner's side? Doesn't sound like he's given up on the marriage, but sadly has gone the wrong way about it.

themarriagecourses.org/try/the-marriage-course

🤦

So sorry OP really feel for you.

How are you OP?

Hi all, just thought I’d check in and again, thank you for all your responses.
We’ve been talking things through and the anger and rage are subsiding a bit but I’m having good and bad days. It’s still very early days and I’m struggling processing everything.
My counselling sessions have started and my husband has his referral appointment for counselling next week so the healing process for myself has started. When I’m feeling stronger after my counselling and when he’s had his counselling, we are going to try marriage counselling together to see if there’s anything salvageable. I’d like to think that out of the 13 years we’ve been together that a 3 week affair wouldn’t wreck everything. But you never know.

Glad to hear the red mist is clearing a little.
Can I ask though, did he ring and make his appointment himself without being reminded by you?
Please remember that sorry is an easy word. Judge him by his actions and hard evidence over a long period of time.

He needs to put the work in and do the heavy lifting on this one. Please watch that very carefully.

Yes, he took all the responsibility and ownership of it and admitted that if he’s fucked up this colossally then he needs to understand why he did it and work on it never, ever happening again. He is disgusted with himself and is genuinely full of remorse. He has said he will give me as much time as I need and he’ll wait for me to make a decision about us. There’ll just be times it’ll hit me during the day and I’ll think of the pair of them all over each other in the hotel room while I was dealing with bickering kids and doing the shopping etc. I just feel humiliated and betrayed.
She’s since shown her true colours and she is batshit. I mean, batshit. She’s already spread it round the college what’s gone on between them (added humiliation for me) so when he goes back next week to start working out his notice everyone is going to know. She also hasn’t told her husband. She rang me in tears on the Facebook phone thing saying she’d told him, he’d gone mad, so “be prepared”. Shortly after she rang my husband and said the police had been out. Anyway this weekend they’ve been at a festival together!! So I call absolute bullshit. She’s told him fuck all. I desperately want to tell him but I think that’s a purely selfish action on my part.

Ugh. She sounds awful. I'm sorry.

Keep your dignity. Head held high.

And don't let him get away with anything. He brought all this craziness into your life. Twat.

Twat is the right word! Stupid, stupid twat. The more we’ve talked it through, he’s said it’s been the biggest mistake of his life. He can’t believe he went there. I said I was hurt on so many levels because of who he’d had the affair with (a woman who had humiliated me in front of my colleagues, pissed), when the affair started (the day after I returned home from a week’s residential trip with my school) and then the fact that they’d said they loved each other and had thought about being together. Speaking to my counsellor, she said “it’s all very teenage isn’t it? Very immature.” And it is. And he said when he confessed to me it was like he snapped straight out of whatever it was he’d been in for 3 weeks and any feelings he thought he had were just gone. And now she’s gone and done all this, he realises he has fucked up majorly.

Op, I get it might make it easier for you to believe that she is batshit, as you put it, but how she is is irrelevant, she made no vows to you, no promises.
As far are you are concerned the person to blame is your H. Deflecting the blame to her, although understandable, will not help you in the long run.
Concentrate on yourself not her, you're the most important person in this mess they have created