Husband told me he’s been having an affair

[QueenBing]

This morning at 4am my husband (cannot bring myself to use DH) told me that for the last 3 weeks he’s been having an affair with someone from work. We’ve been married for very nearly 11 years. 2 kids, 9 and 7. Lovely home. He’s only known her a couple of months but he thought he loved her after 3 weeks and was even thinking about leaving us to be with her. She’s also married with a child. We had a good talk and he says he wants to stay here, work at our marriage, he’ll do whatever it takes etc. I’m so angry, I can’t think straight.

I don’t want to break up our family, I know that much. I don’t want to throw away 11 years of marriage because he’s been a selfish prick but at the same time I have no clue how to start picking up the pieces. I’m broken.

I know a (admittedly very smart kid) who thinks he can pull the wool over everyone's eyes by using the distract technique.

He admits - by his own volition - something. Takes the blame for that fully and Confesses everything. But all the while it's distracting everyone from something else he did that's far worse.

I hate to heap more dark thoughts on you. I think you're fucking amazing. But I think you have to take his 'full unforced confession' with a pinch of salt.

I agree with pp. it's far more likely this has been going on longer than three weeks. And to fuck with his 'respect for you' bullshit.

Sorry. I still can't believe what an utter dick he's been

So sorry you are going through this and I hope your dd is ok

The thought of ever being physical with him again turns my stomach. How can I get over that?!

Don't even worry about that right now. I think you need to make him stay somewhere else for at least a few days to get some headspace.

Otherwise he's in your face all the time; which will reminder you what he's done. I don't blame you for being angry.

You don't have to make any decisions today. Hope your DD is OK.

Agree with PPs that you need headspace. Don't kick him out for a few days---you'd be left with dealing with all the drudge.
I feel you should go away for a week. Leave him with the kids.
You won't figure things out but it will give you some breathing room.

I feel you should go away for a week. Leave him with the kids.

Actually, that's a much better idea!

Give yourself time (he owes you that much) and there’s nothing wrong with you if you can or can’t, get past it. I remember an aunt banging on about people quitting relationships to easily, which in the context of her dick of a H was very .

She turned up at our house and got pissed (pre affair) then they came to my school to drop something off for me. She humiliated me in front of my colleagues, I’d just got back from a difficult residential trip, I was exhausted and the following day he started texting her to start the affair.

Why was she at your house? They both sound like absolute pieces of work. Do you all work in the same school?

Ignore me message, had missed a post where you explain

QueenBing if I could only give you one piece of advice from my experiences it would be to read or listen to the ChumpLady book Leave a Cheater Gain a Life. It's been better for me than all the other books and the therapy put together. She just lays it all out there and tells you how to figure out a way through it.

Stupid, stupid man.

He should have stopped it and tried much harder to be a better person.

Instead, he told you and blew your lives up.

A PP posted about "Limerance" which led me down a rabbit hole to some very useful videos QueenBing. They have helped me understand the rollercoaster I am currently on, I hope they help you too. There are lots of biological processes happening inside your brain & nervous system right now which are totally natural responses and if you understand what is happening it might help you cope and think about how you go forward. this is part 1, watch part 2 as well.

Going against the grain slightly here but I think he did the right thing by telling you. I don't necessarily agree with his method and yes it does sound like he's told you to appease his own guilt, but I believe in honesty in a marriage.
He disrespected and betrayed you and your marriage vows. He was sneaky and lied to you. He cheated on you. You deserve to make a choice about whether to continue in this marriage or not. You should be able to make that decision and get yourself checked and take back some power. You deserve that. He has been such a fucking scum bag and if he is lucky enough to remain married to you, he will spend the rest of his life convincing you you made the right decision. But I do think it was right to tell you.

Yes no way was this only 3 weeks.

@Shinsplints those videos on that channel were invaluable for me and husband

I wouldn't stay OP. not just for the sake of the children.

I think the only way your relationship will survive is if he has been 100% truthful. If one more lie surfaces, then you will be devastated all over again.

It sounds like she was flinging herself at him for a while before this started.
Take your time.

I hope your daughter is on the mend, its at a time like that, with a sick child, you get a good gut feeling about whether someone is there or not.

best wishes to you.

Do not leave the family home, do not leave the children, even for a holiday.

Speak with a good solicitor.

He's not your friend. Don't place any reliance on what he says - he was lying then, he could easily lie again and about anything else. Legally and financially protect yourself.

Lines had already been crossed way before she conveniently turned up at your house when she knew you weren't there.

Oh I’m a year down the line on this kind of story. You have my sympathy.
DH began behaving weirdly Easter 2018, I thought he was getting too attached to a woman at work (we all work at the same place) and quizzed him about it, asked if I could help him pull back from her, he denied there was anything in it. His odd behaviour indicated a possible breakdown on the cards.
FF to July 2018, school hols, he suggested I go up to stay with my parents and take daughter too. Leaving son with him PT holiday working nearby too.
I came back and he said he wasn’t in love with me any more.
Obvs I was devastated and shocked.
I asked if there was someone else. No, apparently.
I was so distraught and couldn’t understand so ended up self referring for talking therapy. Cried through my first session.
Shortly after, someone at work unwittingly looped me back into an email which allowed the penny to drop - I spotted that they were both going to be out of work on the same day and she had tried to hide that from me.
So I added two and two and got four.
Found notes on the shared iPad he had made about her, found a ridiculously naff playlist he’d made for her on iTunes.
So I confronted; his response was he was just worried about her.
FFS.
I gave him six months to sort himself out, move her on at work, get help (therapy) with or without me. He still spent every day at work with her, still secretive. (He’s done the whole rent a hotel room by the hour thing too!)
The six month window is crucial - from discovering the affair Began or the lay time you knew it was still going on, you have a six month window to file for divorce because of adultery.
So in February I started proceedings.
Turns out he’s screwed up his relationship with our son as he gaslighted him against me as some kind of paranoid nutter and then son actually discovered what looked like him being with her in our bed. He carried this secret about his dad for months before he realised he could talk to me about it. This is what is most unforgivable. He drew him into his web with his mistress when DS was going through a tough time himself.
Oh, and I can still call husband DH as it now stands for D*ckhead.
I’ve just moved into a rented home (our house came with his job) with both kids and am carving out a new life for us on the other side of the M25.
Exciting but daunting. And you will find whatever you decide, you have strength you didn’t know you had.
Good luck with whatever you decide. Only you will know with some water under the bridge if you can mend or make a break.

3luckystars your point about having a gut feeling about whether a person is there or not when you have a sick child to tend is simple not true IME. Cheaters are certainly capable of being there for a sick child and their Chump and all the while carrying on their affair - even when that child is on the operating table. Believe me they really are that shitty.

By that I don't mean actual fucking during the op but certainly messaging back and forth while said op is happening and afterwards.

Oh my god @4happyhours

How utterly dreadful. Your poor son and you of course. What a wanker your ex is.

Sending you so much love.

Get ready to be told she has had a positive pregnancy test result. Such a cliche.
I believe that if the injuries the devastation of an affair causes were physical, people would be prosecuted.
Wishing you and your children well.

Aww thanks. It’s been a year of massive life altering changes but I’ve discovered I have some awesome friends (and made new ones too who have been insanely supportive) and family who are unequivocally there for me. Wouldn’t have ever needed to know that otherwise - so I’m sooo thankful for that.
The more is see of what a DHead he’s been, the more ridiculous he becomes to me. And I’m in no way looking back! Just can’t find where to put twenty years of collective paraphernalia in a much smaller house than the family one!

I’ve just spoken to him, told him to google limerence. He says a lot of it resonates.

No he is a lying cheat who just wanted to shag someone else . It wasn't beyond his control . He will say anything to try to get through this .