Husband told me he’s been having an affair

[QueenBing]

This morning at 4am my husband (cannot bring myself to use DH) told me that for the last 3 weeks he’s been having an affair with someone from work. We’ve been married for very nearly 11 years. 2 kids, 9 and 7. Lovely home. He’s only known her a couple of months but he thought he loved her after 3 weeks and was even thinking about leaving us to be with her. She’s also married with a child. We had a good talk and he says he wants to stay here, work at our marriage, he’ll do whatever it takes etc. I’m so angry, I can’t think straight.

I don’t want to break up our family, I know that much. I don’t want to throw away 11 years of marriage because he’s been a selfish prick but at the same time I have no clue how to start picking up the pieces. I’m broken.

@queenbing this happened to me with a partner who cheated with someone we knew, when it was discovered, the woman he had an affair told everyone we knew to I think validate why she had done it and not look like a bad person. It was doubly humiliating, having to deal with the separation while also knowing that everyone knew exactly why we were separating.

Very sad really, I often think what a bloody waste that all was when they didn’t even end up together when it caused so much hurt and she managed to include so many people in the “drama” of it all.

Mossmurray in no way am I blaming her. It took two of them to create this situation but she is making this situation even more difficult. Why go and tell the management what you’ve been doing?! Why phone the wronged wife in tears saying she’d told her husband everything at 1am? She seems to love a drama. It is absolutely no excuse for what my husband did and I am still disgusted with both of them and their lack of respect for their partners and families. The pair of them entered into this willingly and their selfish actions have had horrific consequences for me. I do feel sorry for her husband though.

This is awful BUT, it’s very rare a man just confessed like that, at least he has an ounce of respect left to do the right thing and give you the opportunity to make decisions on truth

Sorry Op, I wasn't meaning it to come across that she wasn't batshit, someone who tells a married man they love then after 3 weeks obviously has issues and yes that's why she'll be loving the drama but my point I was trying to make was it was your H that brought her and this awful situation to your door.

Don't waste any of your energy giving her a minutes headspace. You have every right to be furious but aim that at your H.

As I said you are the most important person in this, not her and certainly not a H that was telling his OH he wanted a future with her after 3 weeks.
You have to take time to concentrate on you and decide if you can forgive him, cause ultimately that's what it will all come down to. Regardless of what he says he's going to do in the future the past has happened and neither of you can change that.

I really hope this works out the way you want

If you want your husband back, you have to go counter intuitive.
At the moment hes come running back to you and told you everything because its the least worst option.
What seems to be happening now is you are siding with him against her.
Although this is natural and understandable, dont lose sight of the fact that he did all this.
He absolutely is capable of doing it again, especially if there is no substantial consequences for his actions.
He hasnt lost anything at the moment, he is probably shitting himself thinking 'phew, she hasnt kicked me out, i may be ok here'

OW has every right to tell who she wants, this is her life, she probably feels used and betrayed, even though she may be unstable and dramatic, your husband still decided he wanted to fuck her.
Like others, i think it has been going on longer. At least emotionally.

Your husband is doing everything he is doing to save his own skin, and you are assisting him in that.

Clearly she is not a safe bet for a relationship, if she was, you may not have been told and he could well be making plans to leave.
He is not on your side, or 'in' the marriage in the way you need and want. Start seeing who he really IS not who you want him to be.

Other more experienced posters have suggested you kick him out, this is to make him realise the fullness of the consequences of his actions as well as give yourself some space away from his sorry (he got caught) ass and think about what you want.
This is yours and your childrens life now, thanks to him.

Hi OP you clearly need to block her on all technology.
She sound unhinged but it does seem to have been going on for longer than 3 weeks. You said you went away with school - is this when he introduced her to your children. Then she was abusive to you? It was going on then. Did he take her back to your house after the play date.

He has had no consequences at all.
Let him stay in a grotty bed sit.
Have you told any one in real life or are you protecting him.
Others with experience of affairs are giving you the best advice.
He didn’t use precaution. He’s irresponsibly.
He’s destroyed your trust.

He is genuinely remorseful now that he’s had his fun and he realises what he could lose.

So he should go to the sexual health clinic with you. It's the very least he should do.

It's really rare for someone to confess like that very early on and before the affair has really got going. He obviously had a moment of clarity and realised it was wrong and you needed to know.

Is this partly down to how unstable this woman is and once the blur of the excitement wore off he realised that she is unstable and this wasn't for him?

The best thing he can do now is change his phone number, block her on all social media (and make a new one in a random name) and find a new job.

It sounds like he wants to put things right but also isn't shifting the blame. I think with enough distance put between the two of them and counselling, you should be able to get through this.

He will need to know that it will take you some time before the trust is built up again. The fact that he is opting for the hard work of fixing the marriage and gaining your trust over taking the easy route and staying in the affair and not telling you speaks volumes that he did not love this woman and he can let go very easily

He didn’t have a moment of clarity, I suspect the woman was threatening to blow the whistle on it so he got in there first. He was forced to tell you, he didn’t do it out of respect. If he had any respect for you he wouldn’t have put his dick in her at all.

Sorry, I realise that’s harsh but jeez... He didn’t tell you because he’s a good man. We all make mistakes but usually the mistake isn’t an extra marital affair.

He needs to start applying for new jobs if he isn’t already.

Yep , he only told you because she was threatening to blow the whistle and tell you. I would also expect it’s been going on a lot longer than 3 weeks.

He certainly didn’t confess all out of respect to you, and I can guarantee it would still be going on if he hadn’t been pushed to say something.

I am guessing she wanted more than your husband was offering and was threatening to tell you if he didn’t agree, it the only reason he coughed up

I hope you can work things out OP. Just remember to ride the emotions out if you want to scream at him do it, have a cry. I hope you have access to his phone, social media and emails?

She is blocked on everything now, ever since those phone calls. He told me early hours of the Thursday morning and she rang early hours of the Sunday. After that we both blocked her. He’s blocked her number and I’ve blocked the messenger.
She definitely wasn’t threatening to tell me, she was having a go at him for telling me that it was her he’d had the affair with, saying he’d “thrown her under the bus”. She said he could have kept her name out of it.
I have full access to everything - he has no social media now, but I can access emails and his phone is on noise all the time and he shows me whenever a text comes through.
He’s applying for new jobs, the resignation went in last week. I can’t move anything forward until she is completely out of our lives.

I don't think she was threatening to tell you either. Why would she then call and go bolistic and ask why he told you?

I think it's funny that people here seem to know more than you do even though you have been there and saw the whole thing.

The only thing I did suggest is that maybe he saw how unstable she is and worried she might blow the whistle but I don't think she actually threatened him and he felt there was no other option than to tell you.

He told you, that's the main thing. To ease his conscience maybe? But either way, he doesn't want this other woman and wants the marriage to work so it's not like you're fighting to get him back when he wants the other woman so at least that's something out of all this.

Ultimately it's your choice what you do now but I don't think you'd have no self respect if you stayed with him. As long as he's willing to stay no contact with her, go to counselling, be open and honest about things and win you back, it's worth a go. You'll see be able to tell if he is genuine or not

How are you today OP?

I am so sorry OP, this is shit. These situations tend to come down to each individual couple. When my husband cheated (he didn’t tell me, I caught him out) I chucked him out and am currently divorcing him on the grounds of his adultery. That route is obviously not for everyone. I wish you all the very best and hope it all works out as you would want it to.

Hope you are coping okay OP

Hi, I’m up and down still. I went to a family barbecue the other day without him and my parents commented on how much weight he’s lost. He’s lost over a stone through the stress of it all and it shows. They were saying his good he looked and good on him and well done him and it was so hard for me to stomach. Then then mentioned something about where he’d been and my daughter said she’d been there too and mentioned the other woman’s name and it was so hard for me to hear my own daughter mention her name. So when I got home the kids went to bed and I was screaming at him. My language was vile and I lashed out at him big time. All of this is completely out of character for me but strangely I feel better for having done it. Still having trouble eating and sleeping as he’s gone back to work but the head has changed her job role while he works out his notice so their paths shouldn’t cross. He’s doing everything he can to put things right and really making an effort at home. I can’t even think about what I want to do as far as our marriage is concerned until he’s left his school/college and I’ve had my counselling and he’s had his so at the moment we’re just talking things through. Thank you for thinking of me and checking in, it means a lot!

You are doing well. It's a slow process x

How are you feeling now? X

💐

How are you OP

Hi, I’m doing much better thanks! I’m back at work now which is a huge help, it means my mind is on other things. Also my husband has a new job starting on 1st October but they’ve said they’d like him to start earlier so he’s going to try and negotiate an earlier exit. The other woman has finally told her husband and they’ve separated, he’s left her, but she’s making it known at work that she’s back on the market and an ex is already trying to get back with her...
Husband has been given some counselling sessions so we’re just waiting for the first appointment to come through. I’ve had a few sessions and I’m starting to pick myself up. I confided in someone at work and he’s very level headed. He has been a great support.
We’re trying to work through things but I know it’s going to be a long process. I am feeling much stronger though, thank you for asking!

That is good to hear. Take one day at a time OP and let us know how you're doing. Wishing you the best

One day at a time OP, i personally think the fact that he told you shows he is a genuine guy that has made a huge mistake that he has learnt from. Make him suffer , but i think youll make it in the long run.

Time is a great healer, dont rush any decisions.

There have been developments and I feel sick. Yesterday I just had a feeling he wasn’t telling me everything so I got a copy of his phone bills and saw how much he actually did communicate with her and also found out he phoned her on the morning of my birthday before he spoke to me which hurts. I’d given him every opportunity to tell me how much contact they’d had but to find these lies now, I’m so hurt all over again. We were starting to get somewhere. He promised me I’d find nothing else out.

Later on in the day, he told me he needed to tell me something. He’d seen a prostitute 3 times for a blow job between April and July. When I looked on the phone bill, he’s also sent this prostitute a picture message and texted her loads.

Later on this evening, I was still going through the phone bills and found that he actually cheated on me between October and December with a 50 year old, again blow jobs. He met the prostitute and 50 year old on Craigslist.

He has sought psychiatric help today because he’s feeling so wretched and disgusted with himself. He’s tried to stab himself with scissors in the stomach. I can’t come back from being cheated on three times so I’ve kicked him out and I think I’m going to be starting divorce proceedings. I’m devastated. So are the kids.