Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband told me he’s been having an affair

307 replies

QueenBing · 15/08/2019 18:27

This morning at 4am my husband (cannot bring myself to use DH) told me that for the last 3 weeks he’s been having an affair with someone from work. We’ve been married for very nearly 11 years. 2 kids, 9 and 7. Lovely home. He’s only known her a couple of months but he thought he loved her after 3 weeks and was even thinking about leaving us to be with her. She’s also married with a child. We had a good talk and he says he wants to stay here, work at our marriage, he’ll do whatever it takes etc. I’m so angry, I can’t think straight.

I don’t want to break up our family, I know that much. I don’t want to throw away 11 years of marriage because he’s been a selfish prick but at the same time I have no clue how to start picking up the pieces. I’m broken.

OP posts:
WishICouldThinkOfAGoodName · 16/09/2019 23:07

I’m so sorry OP, but you know it’s over. He’s a real piece of shit and you know that for sure now, no doubt. He won’t change and at least you now know and can move forwards. Don’t give into the tears and manipulation, that’s just him trying to win sympathy... no way, find your anger and kick him out for good. You and your children will be happy, don’t look back.

What an utter bastard. Virtual hugs OP.

JuneSpoon · 16/09/2019 23:26

Oh Queen that's awful. Sickening and devastating. I'm so sorry

Hopingtobeamum · 16/09/2019 23:26

Dear OP,

I'm so sorry to read this, I've been through something similar so I do have some understanding of what you're going through.

I'm sending big hugs to you. Are you still living in the same house? Apologies if I've missed that. Space is always a good idea. I was full of hell for months tbh but that subsided, it did change the relationship though on all levels.

Not saying don't divorce, give it time before you take any formal legal steps. Good to know your financial position though so legal advice is always good and helps you to make an informed decision.

Wishing you all the best x

SnowWhitesRestingBitchFace · 16/09/2019 23:52

@QueenBing I'm so so sorry. I've been through something similar so please feel free to message me if you would like to chat. I know how shit this all is.

Original poster
QueenBing · 17/09/2019 08:45

And he’s just come round this morning to pack up his stuff and he’s confessed to shagging someone at his old job, twice. I am broken.

OP posts:
Krazynights34 · 17/09/2019 08:49

You poor woman. You’ve been so strong. What an unbelievable experience and what a horrible evil man. Wishing you all the best with what comes next as you rid your life of this beast xx You can get through x

Alwaysgrey · 17/09/2019 09:07

What an utter piece of shit. I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this. Sending strong vibes.

AgentJohnson · 17/09/2019 09:16

Tell him to save his ‘confessions’ for someone who cares. You have enough information for it to be over and you don’t need any more.

RJoneszy · 17/09/2019 09:16

Bloody hell OP. So sorry to hear that. Why would he admit to that from his old job? What are his intentions? To add more hurt?

Please stay strong Thanks

verticality · 17/09/2019 09:20

This is absolutely over. You need to walk away. He's a dreadful, serial shagger and if you forgive all of this, he will just continue with others. You have to make a choice. You can either pursue a marriage that is utterly without fidelity, where he basically has permission to sleep with whomever he chooses, or you can close this chapter in your life and move on with someone who thinks you're worth their whole time, effort, and attention. This is also a choice between long term chronic pain that never heals and short term acute pain from which you can move on.

Star81 · 17/09/2019 09:23

I am so sorry that the revelations keep on coming. It must be so hard thinking you knew it all to be hit again with all this. Use your support network and focus on yourself and your children. Take care x

OkayGo · 17/09/2019 09:29

I fucking KNEW when I read the first post that it wouldn’t have been just that but the actual reality of how bad it is must be fucking awful for you. Oh op, what a bloody horrendous and deplorable thing for him to do to you. You poor thing.

You are better than him. You are worth more than that. HE has ruined it all, not you. And more importantly, you WILL survive. It’ll be shit at first, but you will survive.

Beerincomechampagnetastes · 17/09/2019 09:40

Op Flowers
You tried your best and took your marriage vows seriously.
Now it’s time to move on with your dc without this poor excuse for a man holding you back.

There is a whole world out there waiting for you.

Original poster
QueenBing · 17/09/2019 10:21

I don’t know how to pick myself up from this. He’s also been messaging other girls AND men. What have I done to deserve this?! I feel physically sick.

OP posts:
eenymeenyminyme · 17/09/2019 10:29

I've just read this from the start and my heart sank for you with every revelation, but the latest updates made me feel sick for you and brought back the stomach churning shaky disbelief I felt when I found out about ExH's affair 4 years ago.

I just wanted to add my support and let you know that it does get easier with time. I'm happily independent now and have a lovely DP who I see a few times a week. I don't think I'd let anyone get close enough again to hurt me the way ExH did but my life now is a hundred times better now than it ever was with him.

Good luck for the future, you will be happy again one day, I hope it's sooner than you feel Flowers

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 17/09/2019 10:40

What an utter douchebag.

You and the children will get through this, you deserve so much better than this.

At least now you know, and can start rebuilding a better life for yourself and the children.

Emmapeeler · 17/09/2019 10:52

I so sorry OP. Flowers Just read your entire thread and feel absolutely sick for you at the latest. You have done the right thing kicking him out and none of this is your fault.

SnowWhitesRestingBitchFace · 17/09/2019 11:00

Honestly the more you write the more it's sounds like exactly what I have been through. I feel physically sick for you.

purplebutterfly90 · 17/09/2019 11:09

I'm so sorry OPThanksThanksThanks

Pinkbonbon · 17/09/2019 11:22

He isn't mentally ill op - he is just cruel and manipulative. I thought it sounded cruel that he woke you up to tell you of the affair and went into very hurtful detail...

You haven't done anything wrong and there's nothing you can do to change him. He is just scum. And scum does scummy things.

Divorce time. Screenshot those texts and send them to yourself as evidence.

Pinkbonbon · 17/09/2019 11:26

Oh and just think on this - he told you he thought he LOVED that other woman. Which you now know was another lie. And a lie he knew that would hurt you.

Princessfaffalot · 17/09/2019 11:37

I’m so sorry OP, I don’t know what to say. You poor poor thing. He is a total scumbag. You are so much better off without jinx Flowers

Princessfaffalot · 17/09/2019 11:37

*him not jinx

WhatsInAName19 · 17/09/2019 11:40

Oh @QueenBing Flowers

You will be in physical shock so you need to take care of your health. Can you ask a friend to come over? Sweet tea and try and eat something if you can.

What a nasty, evil man. I'm sure he will have excuses like he was stressed/depressed/has a sex addiction blah blah blah. To allow you to start coming to terms with things and letting you put in superhuman effort working on your marriage, and then to dump all of this on you after all is just cruel beyond measure and he really is just playing games with you. The 3 week affair is the tip of the iceberg and almost irrelevant at this point. Not only is he unfaithful, but he has no regard for women at all. I very much doubt that the sex worker he was paying for blow jobs was relishing the experience of having some random bloke shove his dick down her throat. That woman could well have been extremely vulnerable or exploited. He didn't care about that, though. Also, I would stake my house on the fact that it wasn't "only" blow jobs. He will have had sex with them, and it will have been a regular long term thing. Men don't just suddenly "treat themselves" to sex with a prostitute as a one off or even a 3 time thing. He hasn't just suddenly lost his respect for women; he never had any. Not for the sex workers, not for the women he is stringing along, not for you, not for his daughter. He hasn't just overnight developed a penchant for the thrill of illicit and potentially non-consensual sex with prostitutes.

I'm so sorry he has done this to your family. His behaviour and betrayals are so extreme, that maybe in the long run it will actually serve to help you move on. There can no longer be any question in your mind over whether his actions warrant the end of your marriage, or guilt over being the one to call time on it and wondering if you were too hasty or could have worked through it. The man you thought he was never actually existed, which is extremely painful but the fact that there is no going back takes away any agonising deliberations. You won't ever have to look back in a few years and wonder "what if" because you will KNOW that you are absolutely, undeniably better off without him.

AmeliaE · 17/09/2019 11:50

Omg this is so heartbreaking, keep strong OP you deserve better than this!

Swipe left for the next trending thread