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Original poster

DP insisting he be allowed at DD's next parents evening

288 replies

TheForgetfulDengineer · 13/08/2019 06:49

Been with DP five years and he, DD and I have lived together for 3. They have a great relationship and are very close.

DD who is 8 also has a great relationship with her dad. She sees him 3 or 4 times a week including 2 overnights. ExH and I coparent well, it took a few years to settle after we split but we are now pretty amicable although we do still disagree on the ocassion.

The main bone of contention over the years has been DP. Exh didnt take it all well when I began a new relationship after a year of us separating. It took a long time for him to get used to the idea of us moving in. He was terrified of being replaced in DD's eyes.

However now, they rub along OK. They'll never be best mates but they say hello and pass small talk at drop off etc.

DP attends DD's performances at school or dance, birthday parties, Christmas fares etc.

He's never been to parents evening though. It's always just been me and XH. TBH it had never occurred to me it should be otherwise.

He's mentioned in conversation a couple of times recently that 'that is going to change' and he's going to insist he goes to the next one and ex will have to suck it up.

I know this will cause problems and if I felt strongly about it I would deal with the fallout. For example, DD really wanted him to go to her first nativity a few years ago so I told exH, DP was going as it was important to DD. He wasn't happy but it happened and now DP goes to all performances and it's normal.

The problem is this time, I don't think I completely agree. He's a massive part in DD's life and I love how they are close, I know he loves her and I appreciate it can be frustrating and thankless sometimes being a step parent. But, I feel its a 'parents' evening. She has two very involved parents and it isn't necessary or worth the fallout.

I also don't really like the insistence. Like it's a right if that makes sense although I could possibly be being over sensitive here. But I've always been very aware and advised DP over the years not to try and 'parent' too much but to just focus on building a good relationship with her.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
pictish · 14/08/2019 10:03

Agreed too.
Just think it’s a shame that the OP has essentially been chased off with a flea in her ear, that’s all.

pollymere · 14/08/2019 17:33

I think he wants to be more part of her life. You can all attend Parents Evening. No one would bat an eyelid.

Mistressiggi · 14/08/2019 17:55

And what about when the ex has a new partner too? Will they all go, and crowd round a table with a harassed teacher wondering who the heck she needs to speak to? And four people coming up with questions for her? Most appointments are five minutes long: you could lose a minute just in the introductions.

Jaxhog · 14/08/2019 17:58

I'm just trying to imagine the situation where they both go with you to parents evening and the macho conversation that would follow as they both try to assert their authority. It would be a disaster.

And having him muscle out your ex (DD'd dad, don't forget), would be even worse.

I suspect this has come about because he doesn't get involved in his own children's lives. Perhaps he should remedy that?

Wgw1 · 14/08/2019 18:03

As a step parent (both of the child's parents alive), I went to all my step-daughter's plays etc but I never went to a parent's evening because I was not her parent. There were no hard feelings on anyone's part. Not sure why he is being so insistent.

Drabarni · 14/08/2019 18:03

He attends most things anyway so why not parents evening. He's not her parent she has a Dad who seems like a good man, but this hasn't stopped you before.
No wonder he's insisting, he thinks it's his right as you gave him the green light.

readitandwept · 14/08/2019 18:07

Grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends all go to shows, nativities, etc. Should they all get to insist on attending parents night?

And he doesn't have children of his own @Jaxhog

Sunflowers11 · 14/08/2019 18:13

Your DP cannot insist on fuck all, he does not have Parental Responsibility end off. All very well him stepping up but he needs to be careful he does not overstep the mark. This is a sure fire way to wind your Ex up. I hate my Ex and his partner, and I would not be happy if she turned up to my kids parents evenings.

ReanimatedSGB · 14/08/2019 18:16

You need to tell him gently but firmly that this is not his decision to make. DD's wishes come first, then yours as her mum, then your XH as her dad - and then his. And he needs to get over it. Never let a man start thinking that he has some kind of right to rule the household.

CauliflowerBalti · 14/08/2019 18:16

YABU. He is one of her parents, it’s not like there’s a limit on how many parents can attend, and he’s asserting himself because you are putting your ex-husband’s feelings before his, which must feel crappy.

It will only benefit your daughter, having all her caregivers exactly aligned around her education. And it will also help her to see that the important adults in her life can actually act as adults and sit in the same room together. My parents HATED each other after their divorce but I didn’t realise - dad was always round ours, my step-dad made him welcome, they attended everything together.

Taking on someone else’s child and loving them as your own is just... beautiful. You’re shutting him out, out of deference to the immature feelings of another man. It won’t hurt anyone if he comes, it’s better for your child. I’d be having words with my ex. Strong ones.

nuxe1984 · 14/08/2019 18:17

My immediate reaction to him "insisting" would be to tell him it's not happening!

But, I guess if you are in this relationship for the long haul, then he's going to be doing a lot more steparenting so should be involved.

I would ask your DD but not when he's there. And if she says just the two of you then don't tell him it's her decision, take the flak yourself.

tolerable · 14/08/2019 18:18

Its not up to him-realistically and reasonably he is acknowledged as step parent.he has no right "changing things" particularly when hes the issue//in this instance there is no genuine concern on behalf of your child. spoze you could suggest they sit this one out and two dads attend.see how is ego takes that...

Paraballa · 14/08/2019 18:20

I think YABU. If I was daily parenting a child who I'd come to love, yet I was excluded from something like this, I'd feel very hurt.

You can't expect him to only be a parent when you want it. He's a step parent and so he is involved.

bluebeck · 14/08/2019 18:26

He's mentioned in conversation a couple of times recently that 'that is going to change' and he's going to insist he goes to the next one and ex will have to suck it up.

Who the fuck does he think he is??? Shock

No way would I accept this.

I also disagree strongly with PP suggestion that you ask DD what she wants. She is too young to make that call and it puts her in a very difficult position.

Frazzaboo · 14/08/2019 18:27

I am shocked by the responses. It is such a blessing to have a partner who cares and gets involved and wants to be part of her education. Fab, the more interest shown the better. As a mum, teacher... I think it is fab but you can't have it both ways: enjoying the fact that he cares but having to back off as she is not his responsibility, is not right. Not sure where the problem is, I would be grateful. You still make ultimate decisions with the father but him wanting to be involved is great, he is participating in her life emotionally , surely financially in some way too... So it counts.

readitandwept · 14/08/2019 18:28

He isn't her parent. He's mums boyfriend who has lived with the DD for three years. And OP herself has said this:

But I've always been very aware and advised DP over the years not to try and 'parent' too much but to just focus on building a good relationship with her.

And maybe if he asked OP about being involved in this, she would consider it (I wouldn't), but the way he's approached it is the main issue and one which would have me really considering his future presence in our lives

Aderyn19 · 14/08/2019 18:37

He's not 'one of her parents' - he's her mum's partner. That doesn't give him the authority to make changes for someone else's child irrespective of how her actual parents feel!
It's great to be interested as a step parent, but part of the role is understanding that not everything to do with that child is your business. Obviously it's different where the actual parent is not on the scene and you have stepped into that parent's role. If he can't accept the limitations of step parenting, then he should reconsider whether it's right for him to be in this kind of situation.
I think if he'd asked then this whole thread would have gone differently - its the insisting which has caused issue because it's indicative of someone who could turn controlling in the future, esp if the OP marries him and he feels he's got his feet well and truly under the table!

AcrossthePond55 · 14/08/2019 18:41

It's the 'insisting' that bothers me. And the saying "That will change!". If he had said "I'd like to start attending, will you speak to your ex? I'm not trying to muscle in on him, I just want to be more a part of DD schooling", I think it would have been different.

My BFF used to attend her DSC's parent's evenings. Their mother had no objections and she (BFF) was careful not to contradict their mother. She mainly sat and listened.

Nearly47 · 14/08/2019 18:46

He is just marking territory so you and your ex don't get to do this together.You can pass him the information. He is not doing that for your DD. Say no.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 14/08/2019 18:47

It's ridiculous for him to attend - and simply unnecessary. I can see why, with separated parents its important for you and ex to be there as two households and cuts out relaying the messages. 3 people is silly and OVERKILL.

Only DH OR I ever attend/ed our DCs parents evening.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 14/08/2019 18:48

Agree this is not for your DD's benefit. Only some kind of self-importance.

VforVienetta · 14/08/2019 18:57

I think the only reason he would have to attend parents evening is if he was the main carer. If he's the one liaising with school daily, checking homework, managing friendships/play dates/parties etc, then it would make sense for him to be involved with teachers at parents evenings etc.

Assuming he's not (by what you've said), I see no reason why he needs to attend apart from for territory marking purposes.
Has he adopted her? No (unless I missed a post?!)
It seems his insistence is not for your DD's benefit in any way, but parenting as a list of 'rights' rather than responsibilities. Her two actual parents have got that covered, and he's feeling left out.

Sunflowers11 · 14/08/2019 19:04

@DtPeabodysLoosePants you do not need to miss your DD parents evening, assert your authority, write to the school and inform them that she does not have Parental Responsibility and she has no right to be there. Your DD is old enough to chose for herself who she wants to attend. Don't eat your ex abuse you like this!

TimeForNewStart · 14/08/2019 19:07

What the hell is all this about children choosing who is to go to parents evening? Bonkers! That is giving children too much responsibility in my opinion.

If the child has 2 involved biological parents, then they go. End of.

If not, then of course a step parent could go, but not otherwise FFS!

Mummyshark2018 · 14/08/2019 19:20

It seems like he's definitely trying to make a point and mark his territory. I have a primary aged child but both of us parents have never gone together (we are married and live together). One or the other goes. I very rarely see two parents at these meetings. Perfectly reasonable for the exh to go as he doesn't live in the same house but your current dp really doesn't need to imo.