DP insisting he be allowed at DD's next parents evening

[TheForgetfulDengineer]

Been with DP five years and he, DD and I have lived together for 3. They have a great relationship and are very close.

DD who is 8 also has a great relationship with her dad. She sees him 3 or 4 times a week including 2 overnights. ExH and I coparent well, it took a few years to settle after we split but we are now pretty amicable although we do still disagree on the ocassion.

The main bone of contention over the years has been DP. Exh didnt take it all well when I began a new relationship after a year of us separating. It took a long time for him to get used to the idea of us moving in. He was terrified of being replaced in DD's eyes.

However now, they rub along OK. They'll never be best mates but they say hello and pass small talk at drop off etc.

DP attends DD's performances at school or dance, birthday parties, Christmas fares etc.

He's never been to parents evening though. It's always just been me and XH. TBH it had never occurred to me it should be otherwise.

He's mentioned in conversation a couple of times recently that 'that is going to change' and he's going to insist he goes to the next one and ex will have to suck it up.

I know this will cause problems and if I felt strongly about it I would deal with the fallout. For example, DD really wanted him to go to her first nativity a few years ago so I told exH, DP was going as it was important to DD. He wasn't happy but it happened and now DP goes to all performances and it's normal.

The problem is this time, I don't think I completely agree. He's a massive part in DD's life and I love how they are close, I know he loves her and I appreciate it can be frustrating and thankless sometimes being a step parent. But, I feel its a 'parents' evening. She has two very involved parents and it isn't necessary or worth the fallout.

I also don't really like the insistence. Like it's a right if that makes sense although I could possibly be being over sensitive here. But I've always been very aware and advised DP over the years not to try and 'parent' too much but to just focus on building a good relationship with her.

Am I being unreasonable?

Fair enough. Whatever work.

Ask DP precisely why he's insisting.

Losing track of previous dsc isn't s good excuse.

Our parent meetings were often stressful. Adding another person wouldn't help.

Why not give him something special to do with dd while you're at the meeting? An ice cream treat?

You are not being at all unreasonable OP.

For whatever reasons (some well intentioned and from affection for your daughter, and some less-so, about stamping his authority/territory) your DP is being very un-reasonable.

You are not out of order to tell him firmly and kindly that you and EXH will attend parents evening.

Best of luck.

YANBU. I’m a step parent - have been with my DP for 7 years and in the DC’s lives for 6. Me and DC are close...I get on well with their mum and all co-parent extremely well. I’ll always attend performances and assemblies at school but NEVER parents evening, even though I am the one at our home that helps with homework, reading etc. I’d understand if ExH was not in the picture but when you have 2 parents who are very much involved, there is no need for your DP to be attending parents evening. My DP simply tells me what was said and I’ll help in those areas where I can.
I appreciate it may be an awkward conversation to have with DP but I feel you need to put this to bed ASAP. He can be a fantastic addition to your DC life, but he’s not there to replace their dad IMO.

but NEVER parents evening, even though I am the one at our home that helps with homework, reading etc.
See, I think this is wrong. If you are the one (the only one?) who helps with homework etc, you should definitely be attending parents’ evening.
Has the OP mentioned if the DP helps with homework?

I think it's nice he wants to be involved but maybe not so insistent. He probably just loves her like hr own dad dies and wants to be involved in her life. I get your point though

DD is the priority. If you know her dad will feel pushed out then she will feel this awkwardness too. Be firm and say you have considered the situation and will not change plans for parent's evenings as they work well at present.

I cant believe all the fuss over who attends parents evening.
When I was a kid it was mum or dad as one or other was working.. when we had the kids it was one or the other as one would stay behind and lok after the kids.
It's not a family outing. Who ever attends can relay information back to others.
We just you take pen and paper and write comments down.
To be honest three adults crowding round a table is a bit unnecessary (without going into the aggressive stance the boyfriend was taking!)

Only read first page ... but it might be easier to ask him how he would feel if he was in your ex husbands position ... empathy may work here ... it would be nice if you could all go occasionally but only if it sits well with your daughter... hope she isn’t ever feeling pressured to choose where her loyalties lie ...to be honest it’s good that she gets continuity with her birth father .. adults need to put their needs second ..as your oh why he is being so insistent

Secondary schools can't really offer separate appointments. The kids book ten minute slots with each subject teacher and you move from slot to slot. The whole year group only gets one parents evening. You couldn't realistically ask to see each subject teacher twice, when in a large year group some kids miss out on seeing sine teachers at all when it is busy.

What about grandparents, surely closer relarobtives than step parents. Should they go?

And if the argument is about homework, nannies and day care providers should also be included.

Step parents pushing into these meetings when it causes tension and forces separate meetings really does seem more about a power play and overstep.

Yeah OP mentioned that DP helps with homework, reading etc too.
DSC parents evenings literally last for 10 minutes, and I find that that my DP will just relay any information to me which works fine. That said, I don’t go because ‘I’m not allowed’ but more so because I’m not there to replace their mother who is very much involved so I don’t feel like it’s needed. If their mum couldn’t attend then I’d go.
It’s a tough situation with step parents with no right or wrong, but I can imagine OP ExH would feel like it’s unnecessary & I tend to agree.

Step parents pushing into these meetings when it causes tension and forces separate meetings really does seem more about a power play and overstep.

Completely agree with this. As a DSM it would never have occurred to me to go to DSS's parent's meetings, even when he was living with us full-time, because his DM was still very much involved. The behavious described is such a Red Flag

She reply from teacher who says it’s normal to have 4 parents turn up at parents evening.

Well it depends on the school and the format of the evenings. At my school there is no appointment system so parents just turn up and it is common to see divorced/separated parents separately, often with step parent or partner and often with the whole family eg half siblings and new baby!

I'm a stepmother of three and I wouldn't have dreamt of asking to go to a parents evening. I love my DSCs and was delighted when included in their activities but I am not their mum and never will be.

It sounds to me like your DP is marking territory, and you and your daughter are the territory he is marking. I would reassure him that his relationship with your daughter is a gift to her and to you, but he needs to recognise her father's position and his feelings and stay home with DD. Be firm and clear and ask him not to make things difficult with her dad when you are currently co-parenting well as it's important for your daughter that you and her dad continue to do so. Then give him a full rundown of the meeting when you get home.

YANBU.

I am both a parent and step parent. I love my step children but would never presume to go to their school parent's evenings. As a PP has said, I am not their mum and would never presume to be. However I do attend school/sports/extra-curricular performances etc. where usually it is me, DP, his ex (their mum) plus ex's new husband (plus all the other children's parents, grandparents, step-grandparents, aunties, uncles, friends, hangers-on etc.) - all fine.

And from the other point of view, as a parent, I was very upset when my ex brought his new girlfriend to a meeting at school with the SEN team about my child. She had absolutely no reason to be there, she had not been invited or included by the school and my ex had not asked me or even told me that she would be there. I felt uncomfortable enough being in a meeting with him, let alone with his girlfriend. It was completely inappropriate and I made sure both he and the school knew that was how I felt and that I didn't want it happening again.

I think you need to be clear that this is not negotiable, if that's how you feel and I also think this is something where you need to respect your ex's feelings on the matter.

I'd be tempted to tell him he can go in my place. As others have said we don't always both go for a variety of reasons. I suspect he won't fancy that though .....

This actaully reminds me of when ExH and I were splitting up - he threw at me that I was the only one who ever went to the Parent Evenings! (I was a SAHM)

So I suggested he got off work early for the next one(s) - 3 dc - and knock himself out. He went once.

It's not a social occasion .

I think it could open up new lines of tension between your ex and your new partner which could then have a detrimental effect on your daughter. I think the existing parents evening set up should remain. It could be different if your daughter was pushing for his presence at this parents evening but if she's not then new partner needs to clearly know that things will remain as were.

I can understand him wanting to be involved if he helps her with schoolwork etc
However his attitude seems a little antagonistic. Does he want to go because he cares about your dds schooling or does he just want to annoy your ex!
Because from your original post it seems like the latter.

Hello!

I didn't expect to see this on the first page still since I last came on a couple of days ago! Apologies if that means I've ignored lots of responses and thanks everyone for replying and giving your perspective!

Thanks @pictish! And @CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook and @Aderyn19 - appreciate your concern too.

I'm a bit surprised too at the fuss over a parents evening. I grew up in a family where dad worked and mum did everything school related so it took some getting used to when exH became so involved and needed consulting so much if Im being entirely honest.

Even though she spends lots of time with her dad now, I'm still very much the life organiser and Im used to doing it on my own so I do have to to make a conscious effort to involve the other parent and I don't want to have to start doing that with a third.

DP is great with DD but I didn't get with him to have another parental figure in DD's life. I've tried to promote love between them but I don't see him as a 'step parent' yet, although obviously that will develop. For now he is my fiance. He supported us for a couple of months while I was ill without question and I loved him for that but the rest of the time I have been entirely self sufficient and more than adequately provided for myself and DD.

They spend together and she reads to him. She'll read to him sometimes and he often makes tea as he's a good cook and I'm not. He'll help out whenever I ask but I work from home and do the vast majority of it - as I always have done.

His ex's children didn't have much contact with their bio dads and he stepped into that role. His ex cut ties when she went back to live with her youngest's father several months after they'd split. I'm sure his behaviour reflects what happened. He can sometimes be presumptuous when it comes to his role here but I never feel it comes from a bad place.

People have rightly picked up on their being some question marks concerning him though. I have recently begun to question our relationship which is probably why I was unsure if I was being unreasonable about this. He isn't abusive or controlling, the issues are about him not being particularly truthful in regards to working and money.

In hindsight, and this thread has made me consider this more, he is quite opinionated about my parenting. DD is such a good girl (her parents evenings are actually a pleasure to go to) and we are very close. He has sometimes said she doesn't have any boundaries or discipline. I have told him she would if she needed them and to back off.

All this is food for thought and I am sure over the coming weeks it will straighten out in my head and if I need to do anything about him, including ending the relationship, I will.

Thanks again

OP you sound like a brilliantly sorted Mum, setting a great example to your daughter. Absolutely hats off to you - as a single mum it's not easy!!

"He isn't abusive or controlling, the issues are about him not being particularly truthful in regards to working and money."

Lying is a huge deal breaker. And lying about finances when those finances affect the other person IS abusive IMHO. It causes undue worry and stress to the person being lied to. And that is emotional abuse.

Perhaps that's why he's being so insistent. Trying to wriggle even further into your and DD's lives to make himself more 'necessary' to DD and thus make it harder for you to break with him.

Thanks @pencilpot99 that's a really nice thing to say

Yeah @AcrossthePond55 i think you are probably spot on. I do think he finds it odd sometimes that I don't 'need' him. He fucked up a couple of months ago, again I don't think what he did came from a bad place, but Ive been looking at things very differently. One of the reasons I didn't call time on it was because I don't want to put DD through the upheavel if it can be worked on. I've never said that to him but he probably knows.