DP insisting he be allowed at DD's next parents evening

[TheForgetfulDengineer]

Been with DP five years and he, DD and I have lived together for 3. They have a great relationship and are very close.

DD who is 8 also has a great relationship with her dad. She sees him 3 or 4 times a week including 2 overnights. ExH and I coparent well, it took a few years to settle after we split but we are now pretty amicable although we do still disagree on the ocassion.

The main bone of contention over the years has been DP. Exh didnt take it all well when I began a new relationship after a year of us separating. It took a long time for him to get used to the idea of us moving in. He was terrified of being replaced in DD's eyes.

However now, they rub along OK. They'll never be best mates but they say hello and pass small talk at drop off etc.

DP attends DD's performances at school or dance, birthday parties, Christmas fares etc.

He's never been to parents evening though. It's always just been me and XH. TBH it had never occurred to me it should be otherwise.

He's mentioned in conversation a couple of times recently that 'that is going to change' and he's going to insist he goes to the next one and ex will have to suck it up.

I know this will cause problems and if I felt strongly about it I would deal with the fallout. For example, DD really wanted him to go to her first nativity a few years ago so I told exH, DP was going as it was important to DD. He wasn't happy but it happened and now DP goes to all performances and it's normal.

The problem is this time, I don't think I completely agree. He's a massive part in DD's life and I love how they are close, I know he loves her and I appreciate it can be frustrating and thankless sometimes being a step parent. But, I feel its a 'parents' evening. She has two very involved parents and it isn't necessary or worth the fallout.

I also don't really like the insistence. Like it's a right if that makes sense although I could possibly be being over sensitive here. But I've always been very aware and advised DP over the years not to try and 'parent' too much but to just focus on building a good relationship with her.

Am I being unreasonable?

@CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook you plainly don’t work in family law, several parts of your post are completely incorrect (although I agree with the point you’re trying to make)

OP I've been invited and attended nativity plays of children I was just the babysitter of. If a child invites you, there are enough spaces and you can go then you go.

I also tell off, and have done since I was in my teens, any child I've been told to look after whether they are related to me or not.

People on MN get weird about step-parents and defacto step-parents. Most people don't come from extended families where aunts, uncles, close family friends from a parent's childhood, adult cousins etc especially if they have lived in the household at some point have helped raised children in the family

In regards to parents evenings - it's not necessary for him to go and as you don't want him to go for good reasons say "No". If he doesn't understand and questions your "No" then it's a red flag.

Crossposted OP.

I may have been wrong in some of my assumptions, and I have probably peed you off. You last point about this being a forum for support is 100% right and you have rightly put me in my place.

However, I still don't get good vibes about your DP. Just my instincts. Obviously I don't know him, but you sound lovely and very amiable and anxious about his ego and anxious to please and from the outside it just seems a little off.

Sorry for being a bitch. But that's genuinely how it feels to me and I'm the type who usually feels men get too hard a time on here so its unusual for me.

Of course I could be wrong and you're free to ignore me!

Are they MohairMenace? which bits? Genuinely would like to know not being sarky.

Definately don't work in family law!

@CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook

I'm not sure about your assumption that an unmarried relationship is casual! I'm not married to my partner - we both have kids and live together (8 years) and we are definitely not casual! I don't believe in marriage personally - but don't deny anyone else the right to do so if they want to.

And yes - it gives no rights whatsoever legally in terms of being a step parent. My partner and I are step parents to each other's children - and we are not married.

I just think you need to have a firm boundary here OP and sometimes be OK with telling your DP that something isn't his place. It's lovely that he loves your DD and treats her well - you can never have too much love as a child, but there will always be roles that are her Dads and not his. Having those boundaries in place and respected early on are going to save you and her a lot of heartache in future.... ie her wedding day.

Parents evening is just that. Not step-parents evening.

If he won't accept that, then you have an issue.

Everything that posters have written about marriage legitimising step parent relationships is complete bollocks. Oh, and so is the stuff about unmarried relationships being “casual”. Bollocks- and offensive bollocks at that.

OP fwiw I agree with the majority of posters here. My ex and I do parents evenings together - and intend to for the duration of their schooling. His partner isn't keen on that, but that's just the way it is.

It's always better for the DC if you can parent together. No need for separate appointments if it's amicable. A new partner insisting on separate appointments / being there at the same time is purely looking out for themselves.

I can see it's hard for your DP, but if he genuinely has your DD interests at heart, he'll see its for the best.

@BertrandRussell

Agree fully.

My husband and I have been together for 13 years. My daughter is nearly 14. As far as I'm concerned he has the right to attend any school related meetings he would like to, as is my ex's wife. I think it's lovely they want to be included and that they care about the child's education.

If that's the case. I suspect however, like many other posters, that this is more about competitive male syndrome.

Yes I recall you saying you don't agree with marriage on a post in the past Bertrand

But I personally think your stance regarding marriage is bollocks also.

Like it or not we're still a society that confers many legal protections through marriage. And aside from that, marriage symbols an increased level of commitment and security to many people.

It may not to many people, but that's neither here or there.

Marriage may confer legal rights. But none which are relevant to this thread.

I really don't like the sound of your DP.

He should have learned a lesson from losing contact with his last SC, not seen it as reason to use your DD as an ego boost.

He's being completely unreasonable.
He's not your daughters parent.
It also seems as if he's deliberately trying to undermine your daughters father.
It would be better for everyone if he didn't go.

So you're ex wasn't paying child support despite being a high earner?

No wonder your DP doesn't like him.

So...maybe your DP just had a moment and worded things badly, maybe he really resents your Ex for not paying CS or maybe your DP is overbearing. Parents evening can't be a pissing contest, that's not right for your DD. Just explain that to DP and see how he takes it. Hopefully he'll take a deep breath and back off.

I hope you're getting back dated CS for your DD.

He's mentioned in conversation a couple of times recently that 'that is going to change' and he's going to insist he goes to the next one and ex will have to suck it up
Woah, hold on there!!! It is going to change! Ex will suck it up!
What the hell?
As someone else has said he us sticking it to the ex. This seems about macho pride bullshit and this would be a reason why I would be thinking no way.
Its not even a request, it's a statement telling you what will happen. Fuck that!!!

I’m slightly concerned that you are marrying him next year..

I think it is great you and your ex are at a place where you can both attend and contribute to parents evening together.

If your ex wasn't involved in your dd's life then your dp could step in, but he is and very actively so which is a huge positive for your dd. Your dp needs to back off. If he has any questions you can ask for him, and you can rely back whatever the teacher said in your 5 min slot. Due to work commitments dh rarely goes to ds's parents evening, I go alone and he is still well informed on ds's education.

Him going will make the situation awkward for everyone there, it is only a 5-10 min slot and there is no true value to your dd in him going. If he cares for your dd as much as he professes too he does what, in the bigger picture, is best for her not his ego.

I think it would be different if her Dad wasn't around or wasn't interested. He will s trying to assert himself and he knows it will upset your ex. I think he needs to stop trying to take over.

you say it took awhile for your ex husband to accept your new relationship. Maybe your partner feels like you pander too much to your ex’s feelings & is, in a poor way wanting to be included as being part of the family.

It’s so hard when we as step parents are expected to spend money on extras for the kids, play, bond, inevitably help out with parenting duties & kid related activities, yet miss out on some of the other aspects of being involved in a kid’s life, like school concerts & parent teacher evenings...

Does you partner ever help your daughter with homework or generally show an interest in her schooling? Could his reasons for wanting to be there be coming from the right place?

I think it's good he's interested.
They both love dd.

When I met dh dd was 3.

The first time ex met dh who was still dp then my excited dd who was about 5 was the one who dragged her dad in the house to meet dp
She's nearly 30 now but has always had 2 dads

She loved them both.

Has ex not got a dp?

OP, you sound like a thoughtful Mum.

Keep your daughter's well-being central to everything and you shouldn't go wrong.

"Insisting" anything is not a good starting position.

Are you trying to manage your DP?
Also not a good position to be in.

It is very healthy that you are listening to your gut, which is querying what is best for your DD.

Your DP is not entitled to anything.

However, your DD is entitled to be central to
any decision made.

Your DP getting one over your Ex is definitely not in your DD's best interests.

@TheForgetfulDengineer
His being there isn’t the problem - his entitlement and assumption are.

He has two kids of his own that it sounds like he makes no effort to see, but he wants to start a pissing contest with your ex about who gets to be at your DD’s parents evening? That doesn’t strike me as someone with a genuine desire to parent (as he doesn’t bother with his own kids) but as someone trying to establish control. Be careful...

robin2323
I would say theres no issues with being interested, that us obviously a good thing. It is is this paragraph that is worrying
He's mentioned in conversation a couple of times recently that 'that is going to change' and he's going to insist he goes to the next one and ex will have to suck it up
No one else has a say in something that quite frankly has not much to do with him when the child's two parents are already attending.