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Original poster

DP insisting he be allowed at DD's next parents evening

288 replies

TheForgetfulDengineer · 13/08/2019 06:49

Been with DP five years and he, DD and I have lived together for 3. They have a great relationship and are very close.

DD who is 8 also has a great relationship with her dad. She sees him 3 or 4 times a week including 2 overnights. ExH and I coparent well, it took a few years to settle after we split but we are now pretty amicable although we do still disagree on the ocassion.

The main bone of contention over the years has been DP. Exh didnt take it all well when I began a new relationship after a year of us separating. It took a long time for him to get used to the idea of us moving in. He was terrified of being replaced in DD's eyes.

However now, they rub along OK. They'll never be best mates but they say hello and pass small talk at drop off etc.

DP attends DD's performances at school or dance, birthday parties, Christmas fares etc.

He's never been to parents evening though. It's always just been me and XH. TBH it had never occurred to me it should be otherwise.

He's mentioned in conversation a couple of times recently that 'that is going to change' and he's going to insist he goes to the next one and ex will have to suck it up.

I know this will cause problems and if I felt strongly about it I would deal with the fallout. For example, DD really wanted him to go to her first nativity a few years ago so I told exH, DP was going as it was important to DD. He wasn't happy but it happened and now DP goes to all performances and it's normal.

The problem is this time, I don't think I completely agree. He's a massive part in DD's life and I love how they are close, I know he loves her and I appreciate it can be frustrating and thankless sometimes being a step parent. But, I feel its a 'parents' evening. She has two very involved parents and it isn't necessary or worth the fallout.

I also don't really like the insistence. Like it's a right if that makes sense although I could possibly be being over sensitive here. But I've always been very aware and advised DP over the years not to try and 'parent' too much but to just focus on building a good relationship with her.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
pictish · 13/08/2019 07:12

HIBU...it’s wonderful that he’s an involved and caring stepdad but his insistence that he go to parents’ evening alongside her father is tipping over into overbearing. I understand his point of view but the reality of it is that his presence is not expected or required because her dad is fulfilling his role.

Hopoindown31 · 13/08/2019 07:12

I don't think he can insist but you need to think about making sure that all the people who have a parental role in you DDs life are attending important events like these. I think you need to find some compromise. If you want him to act like a parent to DD you do need to treat him like one too.

Step-parent are often excluded from things like this but are still expected to parent just as well as the bio-parents.

Singlenotsingle · 13/08/2019 07:13

It's going to cause problems, and embarrassment for DD especially if dp tries to assert himself in front of Ex. Not a good idea.

imarobot · 13/08/2019 07:15

Imagine how you'd feel if it was the other way round op and your EH's new partner of 5 years insisted on being acknowledged as a step mother and attending parents evening.

I'd go nuclear. It's a control thing and not necessary for him to be there at all. I mean the clue is in the name "parents" and your DD has two very involved ones. Your DP is being an arse and sounds like he's just trying to get under your Ex's skin.

Mintypea5 · 13/08/2019 07:15

My DH doesn't attend any school things for my DS (his step son) he's love to but understands that it's not his place. It's for me and my Ex to attend stuff like parents evening. We attend together usually ... tbh school performances etc it's more to do with ticket / allowed numbers usually limited to 2 per child (if more I'd tell ex to bring his gf so I could bring DH) but definitely parents evening isn't for step parents unless the other parent is absent from their life.

I fully acknowledge the role by DH plays in supporting my DS / bringing him up. I chat to him about many things but at the end of the day the actual
Parenting choices and decisions are for me and ex to make

Original poster
TheForgetfulDengineer · 13/08/2019 07:18

@mysteryfairy not yet no, both times its been said in the middle of a conversation, the first time in a conversation with friends.

He said it again yesterday and I said something like 'really?' but didn't pursue it as I although it jarred, I didn't know whether disagreeing was doing him a disservice to avoid a fallout with Exh. That's why I posted to get some perspective.

He's not controlling, but he does have ego issues, never usually concerning my daughter though. He also has some differing parenting views, as does ex to be honest.

I'd rather pick my battles. DD probably would like it if he went to look at her work etc but she's never said she wants him to go.

I would find it uncomfortable and a bit embarrassing. Its only in the last year or so it's stopped being uncomfortable just going with Exh. I would be more worried about those two rather than what was being said about DD.

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 13/08/2019 07:22

No he shouldn't assume he gets to go too!! The parents of the child goes. I think it's important that you and the father continue attending. Three people is too many anyway. Just explain that parents evenings are supposed to be for the child's actual patents.

BadnessInTheFolds · 13/08/2019 07:24

he feels he should be acknowledged as a step parent

By who? You, X, DD or her teacher? Genuine question!

I don't think there's any need for him to go, the purpose of the evening isn't to acknowledge people's roles, it's to pass on information.

If there was something he needed to tell/ask the teacher that you or X weren't as well placed to do then maybe he'd have a point (not really sure what this would be though! Perhaps a problem that only he had seen because he's the only one who takes her swimming and they're about to start swimming lessons next term)

But this just seems to be about his ego. He isn't a parent. He's a step parent and it seems like him going is likely to cause a lot of ill feeling that ultimately could have a negative impact on DD if it damages your co-relationship with X

Parenting and step parenting is (largely) about what's right for the child.

SlowDown76mph · 13/08/2019 07:25

Well he isn't actually a step-parent if you aren't married. His behaviour is a red flag. Watch carefully how he reacts to a refusal.

SunnivaGunne · 13/08/2019 07:25

Not his place. She has a father who will be there.

It sounds like a point scorer against her father actually.

I am married to the father of my children who never comes to parents evenings! Because I will get the information and relay it all to him. (while he minds the other dc at home)

CuriousaboutSamphire · 13/08/2019 07:26

You need to have one of those sit down and get it talked out talks.

You can agree that he attends, there's no real problem with that. What is wrong is the way he is going about it.

Not only will your ex be pissed off at his "insistence" but you are too! YOu do have every right to say to him that he can fuck off with insisiting anything to do with your DD. He is wanted, welcome, loved but has absolutely no right to assert his rights where she is concerned. If he can't wind his neck in and his 'ego issues' don't let him see your perspective then maybe your ex had a point when he voiced his reservations...

Original poster
TheForgetfulDengineer · 13/08/2019 07:26

Step-parent are often excluded from things like this but are still expected to parent just as well as the bio-parents

Exactly why I make sure he attends plays and performances where possible. I do get it can be frustrating but I also think it's an unfortunate part of the role - however much he would like to be an equal parent, he doesn't come before her dad and I don't think I should ignore her dad's feelings on everything.

Imagine how you'd feel if it was the other way round op and your EH's new partner of 5 years insisted on being acknowledged as a step mother and attending parents evening.

Agreed, and first thing that occurred to me. I would welcome her at events but I feel parents evening, medical stuff, schooling decisions the parents should 'parent'. Especially after only a few years.

OP posts:
SummerInTheVillage · 13/08/2019 07:27

As a teacher I would not be happy with this. 2 parents per child. Have you ever seen more than 2 per child? There's his answer.

pictish · 13/08/2019 07:29

You sound sensible to me OP!

ohdearwhatdoido · 13/08/2019 07:29

It's not up to him to decide that he'll be going to parents evening.

I'm a SM and I do go to parents evenings, but only because my DSD's Mum invited me to join them there. I NEVER would have asked or expected to go otherwise.

Takemebacktolondon · 13/08/2019 07:31

As a teacher it’s quite usual to see divorced/separated parents separately and there is often a step-parent or partner with them and you generally get the impression everyone is concerned and supportive about the child’s progress and that’s a good thing.

I don’t think he’s wrong to show an interest but the way he is doing it is unnecessary and antagonistic.

FamilyOhNo · 13/08/2019 07:31

Over stepping boundaries is all I have to say about your DP

madcatladyforever · 13/08/2019 07:33

I think it's wonderful that he cares I really do. My stepfather doesn't care if I'm dead or alive.
But this is really going to cause a problem. You can either all sit down together and discuss it as adults before going rather than DP just turning up or just say to him it's a battle you are not prepared to fight.

whyohwhyflowerdear · 13/08/2019 07:34

He isn't your daughters parent you and your ex are. Nip this idea in the bud now otherwise it will get worse.

PicsInRed · 13/08/2019 07:34

His language is very controlling, and you seem afraid to properly confront this issue and directly say "no".

Do you find that you walk on egg shells to his "feelings"? You mentioned his ego. Is he easily "offended", perhaps including by you attempting to set healthy boundaries?

yearinyearout · 13/08/2019 07:37

Not his decision to make. She has two parents playing a very active role in her life (if her dad wasn't involved it would be different). You need to put your foot down and tell him he's not coming, it's a total overstepping of boundaries for him to try and insist on it.

TanMateix · 13/08/2019 07:37

How does exH feel about it? Can you ask him?

TBH I think it will be in best interests of DD for DP to stay at home. You have a good balance that can be altered and that would be more damaging for DD than not meeting with her school teacher.

ThisIsMyBuick · 13/08/2019 07:38

Does he do ‘parenting’ jobs where other people aren’t seeing him do them?

Read a bedtime story, search for the missing PE shoe in the back of the understairs cupboard , cook broccoli because she doesn’t like carrots etc or is it just the jobs where he’s seen by others to be a top bloke that he does?

PicsInRed · 13/08/2019 07:39

Do you have children with this man? Think carefully, he's fighting for supremacy over a child who is not his.

⚠️

Imagine the sort of adversary you would be dealing with if you had a child with him and split up? You'll likely find yourself dragged through family court repeatedly for years. Look at his enjoyment of these battles with your ex over a child who is not his. In years to come, you could find yourself on the other side of that litigious glee.

FairyDust92 · 13/08/2019 07:44

🤨 it's one thing he isn't included on... he needs to pull his big boy pants up.