DP insisting he be allowed at DD's next parents evening

[TheForgetfulDengineer]

Been with DP five years and he, DD and I have lived together for 3. They have a great relationship and are very close.

DD who is 8 also has a great relationship with her dad. She sees him 3 or 4 times a week including 2 overnights. ExH and I coparent well, it took a few years to settle after we split but we are now pretty amicable although we do still disagree on the ocassion.

The main bone of contention over the years has been DP. Exh didnt take it all well when I began a new relationship after a year of us separating. It took a long time for him to get used to the idea of us moving in. He was terrified of being replaced in DD's eyes.

However now, they rub along OK. They'll never be best mates but they say hello and pass small talk at drop off etc.

DP attends DD's performances at school or dance, birthday parties, Christmas fares etc.

He's never been to parents evening though. It's always just been me and XH. TBH it had never occurred to me it should be otherwise.

He's mentioned in conversation a couple of times recently that 'that is going to change' and he's going to insist he goes to the next one and ex will have to suck it up.

I know this will cause problems and if I felt strongly about it I would deal with the fallout. For example, DD really wanted him to go to her first nativity a few years ago so I told exH, DP was going as it was important to DD. He wasn't happy but it happened and now DP goes to all performances and it's normal.

The problem is this time, I don't think I completely agree. He's a massive part in DD's life and I love how they are close, I know he loves her and I appreciate it can be frustrating and thankless sometimes being a step parent. But, I feel its a 'parents' evening. She has two very involved parents and it isn't necessary or worth the fallout.

I also don't really like the insistence. Like it's a right if that makes sense although I could possibly be being over sensitive here. But I've always been very aware and advised DP over the years not to try and 'parent' too much but to just focus on building a good relationship with her.

Am I being unreasonable?

YANBU this isn't a step dad who has basically taken the roll of main dad because her biological one isn't in the picture nor step dad that has been co-parenting for 10 years. She has two parents and until you or your husband say otherwise he doesn't get to insist.

I think 2 parents going to parents' evening is a bit much, 3 would be even more unnecessary. I'm sure you will be able to remember the 5 minute conversation and can repeat it word for word if he wants.

What the hell is all this about children choosing who is to go to parents evening? Bonkers! That is giving children too much responsibility in my opinion.

That by 100. They can hardly wipe their bottom at that age but sure, they can act as referees and call the shots in such a complex domestic dynamic.

Absolutely not. No way, nohow.

My favourite stepmother stood up to my dad when he tried to get her to take my little half-brothers shopping for their school clothes at the end of the summer one year. She said that they had a mother, and much as she loved them she was not going to try to replace her. She recognised that difficult as she found their mum (she was my first stepmother: believe me, difficult isn't strong enough) it served the boys badly not to respect her role in their lives. Boundaries are important.

Your DP Is clearly a loving and engaged step-parent, and that's great. But he's not your DD's father. He has absolutely no right at all to try to shoulder past her actual father in this way. She is not his child and he does not serve her well by trying to assume equal status with her dad. A step-parent can be a wonderful relationship for a child, and absolutely he should be at school fetes, plays etc, as those are events it's always lovely to have wider family at - but parents evenings? No.

I think a simple rule of thumb, when trying to see if it's fair, is to ask yourself: would it be appropriate for your mother or mother-in-law (a reasonable one, whom you liked!) to go to support her grandchild? After all, grandparents and grandchildren often have the most closely loving of relationships, too. If the answer is no, then a step-parent shouldn't, either.

This is your ex's right as the parent. It's not fair to him to have the man who actually lives with his child assume absolutely all of his role, when he's not there half as much himself. He would have every right to be very hurt by this, and your DP needs to show some sensitivity and respect what is, after all, a relationship that will be absolutely fundamental to your daughter's self-esteem and sense of self as she grows up. Her dad needs to remain just that, and her stepdad and she have a very different, though still valuable, relationship. She has not been adopted, here. And that sadly matters all the more when you have had to work hard to get her relationship with her dad at this close level.

So he had two step children whom he no longer has any contact with because the ex wanted a fresh start and moved away?

Could you contact this woman and find out what really happened?

Did he become controlling and unreasonable when it came to the children?
Did he threaten to ruin a reasonably harmonious relationship between his ex and the father of her children?
Did he try to assert some sort of 'rights' over the children after they split up?

Or was there even more controlling behaviour, and is that why they split up?

If you see him as a permanent fixture then he should be invited along hes invested in you both , id be more concerned if he showed no interest

YANBU OP.

If you see him as a permanent fixture then he should be invited along

Why?

Agree with a previous poster.

If Dad is not around, stepfather can go.

If mum can not make Parents Evening, she can send stepfather instead.

If father's partner goes then mother's partner can go. (4 adults is way too many imo but this is a theoretical situation which is an inferior alternative to just mum and dad go)

The stepfather is turning this into a pissing contest and he's lucky that the the replies are much tamer than if he were a stepmother (who does all homework, school runs etc) . Stepdad needs to calm down with this "insisting" business. It's just bullying for the sake of it.

If you see him as a permanent fixture then he should be invited along

If grandparents, childminders or other careers do school runs, homework etc should they be invited? Of course not.

If stepdad wants details then I'm sure that OP can fill him in afterwards.

Don't ask your dd- she shouldn't know that this is an issue and she shouldn't have the responsibility of upsetting someone.

Your DP "lost touch" with his other children?

Red flags all over this. I wonder what reasons his ex would give for him not seeing their children.

Why is he not trying to see his own children? Seems more focused on your DD - a bit odd.

I see stepparents regularly at parents' evenings and it can work well.It's more annoying having to see two sets for some children because they (one or both) couldn't manage to be adults.

However this situation seems to be more about your DP asserting his presence knowing it will annoy your ex and ruffle feathers. Your child has two parents and they are the ones who need to attend. You have a good coparenting relationship and I'd be making it very clear that DP does not get to insist his way into any parents' evenings.

Give it a few years and you may find yourself having a DP who thinks it's his place to decide secondary school choices, his places to muscle in on GCSE options. Step parents have a wonderful and unique role to play and their input should be valued, but on bigger things it is the parents who make the decisions

@Tistheseason17 they weren't his children.

Talking from a DSM perspective DP needs to take a seat, this is not his call.
Your DD has two dedicated parents, DP should leave it to you both to parent, yes it is nice that he wants to be involved but not at the risk of causing tension with you ex. DP could leave you tomorrow but your ex will always be DD's father, stand up to DP.

Gosh, this is the new cancel the cheque isn't it? DP's ex had children. They were not DP's biological children. This has been explained several times both by OP and by posters who can read. (OK, that's kind of snippy, but 10 pages of "he can't even keep in touch with his own children" gets wearing.) It helps to explain his position up to a point: that he lost touch with previous step children, and may therefore be understandably prickly about his position regarding the current child he lives with and, presumably, cares for. Not that he is correct in feeling that attending parents' evenings will cement his position, mind you - indeed it's a bit worrying if that's what he's trying to do.

I'm a step parent who was very involved with my DSCs (I say was because they're grown now), we had the nearly 50/50. Would I have gone to their parents' evening? Hell no, it's not my place. I'd show an interest when my DSCs would proudly show me their report cards but that was it. I had a say as to how they behaved in my house because that directly affected me, but their schooling was not my business.

This is absolutely about the DP marking his territory.

@CoatyMcCoatface - thanks, I had rtft but must have missed that! :)

I am a step mother and always go to my stepchildren's parents evening with my DP while their mother goes with their step father. My DP always goes to my children's parents evenings.

Yes it's separate appointments but all teachers have been absolutely fantastic and always say it was lovely to meet us/me as their mother usually deals with the school. My step children always liked it as well because everyone in a parental role cared about their schooling and it IS about the children, not the grown up's feelings.

If by him going is not stopping your ExH going then I probably wouldn't have an issue but I think the fact he is DEMANDING he goes is completely unreasonable!

Would your DH be able to possibly have a respectful chat with your ex to ensure he knows he is not trying to take over but cares very much and would like to be involved?

I think it’s really unfair for parents to take up 2 appointments!

I agree, it is also sad that the two parents can’t sit in the same room for half an hour to talk to the parent. I think this should only b allowed in extreme cases.

Surely rainbow dash your husband could go with his ex wife and tell you about it afterwards. The teachers are just being polite, unless there is a particular family issue they want to suss out they aren’t in slightest bit interested in meeting parents other half’s (my teacher friend can complain about this one issue for hours😂). My ex and I do parent evenings together and my boyfriend hears about it afterwards. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t care, he just respects her fathers role and would never overstep.

Also I am amazed your step kids care whether you go to parent meetings or not.

Our appointments last about 5 minutes and the schools offer them and send out separate appointments. it doesn't take anyone else's space. Some people don't pass on information about parent's evenings.

While this isn't the case here, I personally think parent's evenings are really important so you can speak to the teacher face to face. Different people in each parenting role may have different questions. The report cards are quite vague until a detailed one at the end of the year so you don't know what you're going want to ask more about until you are there. You also get to see all their work and displays in the classroom.

They always ask as their mother has a track record of pretending we haven't bothered and are excited to know what we think about their work.

Like I said my situation is different to the PP but it is my norm so I was giving my opinion.