DP insisting he be allowed at DD's next parents evening

[TheForgetfulDengineer]

Been with DP five years and he, DD and I have lived together for 3. They have a great relationship and are very close.

DD who is 8 also has a great relationship with her dad. She sees him 3 or 4 times a week including 2 overnights. ExH and I coparent well, it took a few years to settle after we split but we are now pretty amicable although we do still disagree on the ocassion.

The main bone of contention over the years has been DP. Exh didnt take it all well when I began a new relationship after a year of us separating. It took a long time for him to get used to the idea of us moving in. He was terrified of being replaced in DD's eyes.

However now, they rub along OK. They'll never be best mates but they say hello and pass small talk at drop off etc.

DP attends DD's performances at school or dance, birthday parties, Christmas fares etc.

He's never been to parents evening though. It's always just been me and XH. TBH it had never occurred to me it should be otherwise.

He's mentioned in conversation a couple of times recently that 'that is going to change' and he's going to insist he goes to the next one and ex will have to suck it up.

I know this will cause problems and if I felt strongly about it I would deal with the fallout. For example, DD really wanted him to go to her first nativity a few years ago so I told exH, DP was going as it was important to DD. He wasn't happy but it happened and now DP goes to all performances and it's normal.

The problem is this time, I don't think I completely agree. He's a massive part in DD's life and I love how they are close, I know he loves her and I appreciate it can be frustrating and thankless sometimes being a step parent. But, I feel its a 'parents' evening. She has two very involved parents and it isn't necessary or worth the fallout.

I also don't really like the insistence. Like it's a right if that makes sense although I could possibly be being over sensitive here. But I've always been very aware and advised DP over the years not to try and 'parent' too much but to just focus on building a good relationship with her.

Am I being unreasonable?

@Veterinari he doesn't have kids of his own. They were stepchildren.

But I agree with everything else you say

I don't think there's anything unreasonable about how you've been handling things, going from your op & additional posts.
Can I ask how old your DP is? You say he moved into your house, do you know if this was also the case with his exw & her DC & were these the marital homes? If it was her house before they married did he make any financial claim to it when they divorced? What were his relationships prior to that like, is there a pattern in them?
Have you & he discussed having more children when you're married? What kind of relationship does he have with his own parents? Are there any issues there that he may be addressing in being involved with other men's children but not having his own?
The thing I love most about MN is how everyone can explore their own experiences while having this level of involvement with other mothers, getting perspectives that can be shared & sifted through for the bits that can expand everyone's understanding of human nature/relationships, which is why I & possibly many others go beyond the immediate focus of the op, hopefully not crassly or insensitively though. It's the learning process it affords that's the draw, not just sharing our own experiences but finding new light being cast that we can find helpful for ourselves in future.
Long winded way of saying I'm not just being nosey lol.

I think you have to butter him up a bit to tell him no! Tell him he's a great stepdad and you value his help, but there isn't room and it isn't appropriate for him to come.

Awful advice. You don't have to pander to the fucking man because he has a dick.

Maybe ask DD? Agree that he doesn't get to exist, parents evening is for her mum and dad.

Everything that posters have written about marriage legitimising step parent relationships is complete bollocks. Oh, and so is the stuff about unmarried relationships being “casual”. Bollocks- and offensive bollocks at that

I have lived with my partner for over 30 years and have two adult children (together), so not exactly casual. They seem to have coped with us 'shacking up'.

Don t put your ds in the position where she has to choose. Parents Evening is for parents.

Maybe ask DD?
No. I disagree. She is a child. This is for parents and is a parenting decision.
Children dont have to be included in every adult decision. Its not fair especially if she wants to keep everybody happy.

Absolutely do not ask your daughter. She's at no disadvantage by him not being there.

The DD shouldn't be put in an awkward position simply because the boyfriend can't accept the boundaries set by her parents.

God no don't ask her poor kid doesn't need that responsibility she is 8.

I would be interested be interested to know what other things should be asked and what shouldn't. If your going out, do you ask him to look after your DD ? how about costs, do you and your Exh pay for all her costs. All the other tasks he does for your DD are they all requested by you or are they expected?
It seems to me that yo expect him to be an unpaid, unseen and totally irrelevant adult in your DD's life.
He spends so much time bring her up and has to beg to go to her plays?
A child is not just based on biology. He loves and cares for this child , I am not surprised he feels like a bit part in her life.

How involved is he in her school life? Not just the fun stuff, but the actual work...school runs, taking time off when she's ill ir picking her up in an emergency, helping with homework and projects, interest in her work and her progress, practicing things like times tables or reading with her etc.

If the answer is a lot, I would let him attend as it's nice to see the results of the work and time you put in, plus if there are any issues he could help,change his methods,do extra etc. (And it's irrelevant if her dad does all these things with her or not)

If the answer is minimal or not at all, then no he doesn't get to go just because he "insists" on it.

*Imagine how you'd feel if it was the other way round op and your EH's new partner of 5 years insisted on being acknowledged as a step mother and attending parents evening.

Agreed, and first thing that occurred to me. I would welcome her at events but I feel parents evening, medical stuff, schooling decisions the parents should 'parent'. Especially after only a few years.*

My ex-H partner insists on attending all parents evenings. He and I have always had separate teacher meetings (sorry teachers but the head at my DC's previous school suggested it as they could see the issues. Not ideal though). My DC hate it as she pushes HER views onto the staff. We have been looking at exam options and she and my ex-H made the final choices. Unfortunately for them, and fortunately for my DC and the school, we had returned the choices sheet earlier and DC had signed it to show clearly their wishes.

So genuinely if you are putting the DC first you would never end up in this type of situation without everyone being in agreement.

He was probably being just as egotistic - which translates as 'selfish' in this context - and territirial with his ex's kids after they vroke up.
He says he lost contact with them after the mother moved them away - perhaps it was the only way she could away from his not-so-subtle controlling behaviour?
He says his ex said she did it so they could all have a 'fresh start', which is understandable. Imagine if she hadn't, and had a new partner/got married, your DP would have still expected to be Top Dog re the dc.

People are telling you to wake up because his attitude - and his 'reasons' - are red flags.
You plan to get married next year, and he's already started trying to assert his 'authority' over 'his' family.
Wait until you're married - he's going to EXPECT to have more say/rights where your dc is concerned...because he will regard you both as his possessions that hehas more rights over than the ex.

I'd be tempted to tell your partner that if your ExH's partner insisted on going to your child's parents evening, you'd be pissed off. So it's hardly fair if you take DP along. Best to do as you'd have others do to you, etc, and keep it to bio parents.

I'd suggest to him that he goes, but instead of you, the two dads could go if they want to. He can then relay the information to you

I don't usually say this, but what a stupid idea.

Why should the mother not attend?

And her DD doesn't have 2 dads. She has one dad and her mum's DP/BF.*

Such a ridiculous idea FGS.

I'm generally an advocate of marriage, but in the context of this thread it's irrelevant.

Married or not, your DD has a dad and your DP does not need to attend parents evening.

I actually think feel able to make more demand once you get married.

Does he want his own DC? I'm surprised after his last relationship he got involved with someone with kids.

Something doesn't quite sound right about him.

Also the way he said it in front of your friends in conversation...insisting.

I'm married and tbh I'm the one who has attended most of the parent's evenings for our DC. My DH hasn't felt he isn't a real parent by not going.

Your DP is insecure and you need to ensure this doesn't affect your DD and her relationship with her dad.

Parent's evenings are not a circus for all and sundry. This is a primary school parents evening...a 10 minute conversation!

You can be an active stepparent, without attending parents evenings. It really isn't the be all and end all.

I don’t think there is any problem with him attending the nativity, extended family often go, grandparents, aunts etc. Parent evening would be awkward.

I would have my "oh no you don't" phrase planned and on the tip of my tongue for next time he drops this bombshell into conversation.

"No, parents evening is for me and her dad"

"Parents evening is for DD. If you want to battle ex then I'd rather you arm wrestled him."

"Don't be silly, that's totally inappropriate. Ex and I do parents evening."

Remember, it is OK for you to do absolutely nothing to remedy / prevent a man being in a huff, a bit butt hurt, generally pissed off.

In life things sometimes things annoy us, maybe even hurt us, we go away think about it and come round to the fact we may have been wrong, or just learn to make peace with it. I have noticed that some women can't bear leaving a man to work it through alone in his own time. You don't have to shield him from feeling negative emotions. Especially in this situation where he is in the wrong and being a bit of a tit about it. Stamp on it quickly. Don't apologise at all if he's upset. Let him lick his wounds and come round. If necessary use phrases like "Well, really, what were you thinking?" "You are just going to have to get used to the idea." "It is my decision, I'm sure of it, I'm not going to change my mind, please drop it."

He's mentioned in conversation a couple of times recently that 'that is going to change' and he's going to insist he goes to the next one and ex will have to suck it up - regardless of what dd wants, or what happens at Nativities etc, DP does not get to 'change' what happens with your child. (Your joint child - I mean Ex as well.)

He doesn't get to 'insist', he doesn't get to tell ex to 'suck it up' over his own child.

He can FTFO and I would have told him so. And I would no way be marrying him until he recognises that dd is your child, not his in any way.

He can still have a good, loving relationship with her, but he does NOT get to insist on any 'change' to your parenting.

Your DP does not have parental responsibility so has no right to insist on being at parent’s evening.

I would find his language controlling and off-putting.

Oh dear, I definitely get the vibe that his sense of entitlement will only get stronger after you’ve married. You have your boundaries, do not let his ego or insecurities interfere with them.

Do you think part of this need too insist to you and in front of friends that he will be attending the next parents evening is guilt and to make him look/feel more like a parent rather than the man/father who didn't bother to keep contact with own children?

I guess OP isn't coming back. They rarely do once they hear uncomfortable truths.

‘Uncomfortable truths’

Hmm...sometimes those uncomfortable truths are only imagined conjecture though. Often, I’d even say.

The OP has articulated herself well on this thread. It’s clear she has a rational perspective on this and her relationship. Maybe she just couldn’t be bothered justifying her life any more.

It's true that people project their own experience sometimes but also strangers can see things that a person living in a particular situation cannot. Yes,vthe OP sounds balanced and reasonable but the dp isn't coming across at all well. If this thread makes the OP take a little more time and look out to see whether there are more warning signs, then it's a good thing, whether she comes back or not.