DP insisting he be allowed at DD's next parents evening

[TheForgetfulDengineer]

Been with DP five years and he, DD and I have lived together for 3. They have a great relationship and are very close.

DD who is 8 also has a great relationship with her dad. She sees him 3 or 4 times a week including 2 overnights. ExH and I coparent well, it took a few years to settle after we split but we are now pretty amicable although we do still disagree on the ocassion.

The main bone of contention over the years has been DP. Exh didnt take it all well when I began a new relationship after a year of us separating. It took a long time for him to get used to the idea of us moving in. He was terrified of being replaced in DD's eyes.

However now, they rub along OK. They'll never be best mates but they say hello and pass small talk at drop off etc.

DP attends DD's performances at school or dance, birthday parties, Christmas fares etc.

He's never been to parents evening though. It's always just been me and XH. TBH it had never occurred to me it should be otherwise.

He's mentioned in conversation a couple of times recently that 'that is going to change' and he's going to insist he goes to the next one and ex will have to suck it up.

I know this will cause problems and if I felt strongly about it I would deal with the fallout. For example, DD really wanted him to go to her first nativity a few years ago so I told exH, DP was going as it was important to DD. He wasn't happy but it happened and now DP goes to all performances and it's normal.

The problem is this time, I don't think I completely agree. He's a massive part in DD's life and I love how they are close, I know he loves her and I appreciate it can be frustrating and thankless sometimes being a step parent. But, I feel its a 'parents' evening. She has two very involved parents and it isn't necessary or worth the fallout.

I also don't really like the insistence. Like it's a right if that makes sense although I could possibly be being over sensitive here. But I've always been very aware and advised DP over the years not to try and 'parent' too much but to just focus on building a good relationship with her.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP I think from your subsequent posts that your instincts about your DP are correct. He is not doing this from a good place but trying to put himself forward as an equal parent to you and/or asserting his dominance over your ex. Sounds like your ex has been shitty up till recently but letting your DP piss all over your hard work isn't going to turn back time and make your ex a better dad, it'll just ruin all your progress. Maybe that's actually your DP's agenda so he can swoop in and pick up the pieces? (despite being the cause of the problem).

You sound very sensible. My DD is really good too, and I would feel very wary of someone who was critical of her without good reason!

@TheForgetfulDengineer There is no earthly reason to 'need' any man. I don't 'need' my DH and we've been married over 30 years. I want him and I love him, I would grieve deeply if I lost him, but I don't 'need' him to be a complete person. He adds to my life, but he is not my life, IYSWIM.

Do you think it might help you to think things through and reach a decision if you and DD got away for a bit? Is there a friend or relative you and she could visit (without him) and not raise suspicions? There's nothing like a bit of distance to give one perspective and clarity.

I will say that staying in a relationship that is not right for you simply for the sake of a child isn't benefiting the child one bit. The best way to have a happy child is to have a happy home. And children are perceptive little creatures. They know things aren't right, no matter how hard you try to hide it. And they invariably & wrongly blame themselves for lack of any other explanation.

And just because a fuck up doesn't come from a 'bad place' it doesn't follow that we have to just suck it up and carry on.

Do have a look at the Freedom Programme. I genuinely think it should be rolled out in schools .

It's invaluable to all women and girls imo regardless of our relationship status .

...he is quite opinionated about my parenting.

He has sometimes said she doesn't have any boundaries or discipline.

Huge red flag there.

This is about control.
If you don't think he is coming from 'a bad place' that is only because he is very good at masking it.
He is asking you to take sides here. So far you have taken the right side - your daughter's. He must be feeling quite confident to have put the mattter to you, though I note he is approaching it obliquely, by means of comments to friends.

Along with the worry about lying - another means of control because you, the partner, don't have all the information whereas he does - I would be very concerned.

You need to get him out of your life and especially out of your daughter's life.

There are worse things than causing upheaval in a child's life, and one of them is staying with a man who wants to take over.

I would try to contact the ex.

@AcrossThePond55
Thank you, I do get all that. I've not stayed with him purely for DD, she's just been one of the things to consider. I'm not scared of being on my own, I actually like the idea at the moment, but I've been so in love with this bloke and was the happiest I'd ever been until all this happened. I just thought it was worth seeing If I can trust him again and if I can get that back. I'm not sure that ever happens but I wanted to try.

I like the idea of getting away and I'm going to think about it. Thank you

I dated someone who wanted to be involved with DCs early on, also acted like he was doing me a massive favour if he did anything that may benefit the DCs. He also checked details of my finances and when I said I wouldn't marry again, he said he could see I was protecting my finances in a mean way as thought it was wrong. He had a way about him, that got under my skin and made me think he was right, I needed him, his principles sounded right somehow. It was as though we had gone so far, why not carry on.

I accepted him saying things and insisting things that I wouldn't from others. I still can't explain how he conditioned and manipulated me. I had even had therapy after my narcissistic and cheating exH, but this was new manipulation and it was like I was under a spell. My mum kept saying have a break, have time away. It came to a crunch when I had tried to please him so many times, but he wanted to have a say over a family meal with my DCs and my mum, but it was my DD birthday. He couldn't see that I should arrange based on my DD.

So much of what you say makes me think about that relationship. Please watch your back and have a break to check you are in control of your life.

BTW, been with new partner for a year. No 'ownership/control' issues. He gets that I won't remarry ever and that DCs come first. He wants to support me with DCs rather than takeover. Life is straightforward.

There are decent men out there OP, so don't give up hope.

This one is taking advantage of you and trying to control you at the same time....he's so manipulative.

He can sometimes be presumptuous when it comes to his role here but I never feel it comes from a bad place
Hmmm...and his assumption that it's your role to do all the housework comes from a good place?
Did he employ a cleaner, cook and maid before he moved in with you?

He isn't abusive or controlling, the issues are about him not being particularly truthful in regards to working and money
Well those are some basic things that build our foundations for relationships - this foundation doesn't seem stable.
You'd be better off starting afresh.

He has sometimes said she doesn't have any boundaries or discipline
What does he know about boundaries? or self-discipline?
He doesn't even partake in equal adult household responsibilities yet demands/expects to have a joint seat at the top table with full honours!

i'm glad you've got your head screwed on right and have backbone - he's a slimy character.

OP just want to wish you all the best for the future. You sound like a fabulous mum.

Op just want to say you sound like a brilliant mum. Your daughter is really have you. Your partner is a bit of an arse, don’t let him belittle your parenting.

My main bit of advice is that if you choose to stay with him, don't marry him next year. Give it a few years and see how things pan out.
Lying is a really big deal. If someone can lie all the time for an easy life, so they don't have to take the consequences of not doing what they ought to have done, it becomes very easy for them to habitually lie to you about big things as well as small. It absolutely destroys all trust and once that is gone it is impossible to get it back. Trust and respect are more important than love I think.
Financial lying is also a big concern.

In all honesty I don't believe he is the best thing for you or your daughter in the long run.