DP insisting he be allowed at DD's next parents evening

[TheForgetfulDengineer]

Been with DP five years and he, DD and I have lived together for 3. They have a great relationship and are very close.

DD who is 8 also has a great relationship with her dad. She sees him 3 or 4 times a week including 2 overnights. ExH and I coparent well, it took a few years to settle after we split but we are now pretty amicable although we do still disagree on the ocassion.

The main bone of contention over the years has been DP. Exh didnt take it all well when I began a new relationship after a year of us separating. It took a long time for him to get used to the idea of us moving in. He was terrified of being replaced in DD's eyes.

However now, they rub along OK. They'll never be best mates but they say hello and pass small talk at drop off etc.

DP attends DD's performances at school or dance, birthday parties, Christmas fares etc.

He's never been to parents evening though. It's always just been me and XH. TBH it had never occurred to me it should be otherwise.

He's mentioned in conversation a couple of times recently that 'that is going to change' and he's going to insist he goes to the next one and ex will have to suck it up.

I know this will cause problems and if I felt strongly about it I would deal with the fallout. For example, DD really wanted him to go to her first nativity a few years ago so I told exH, DP was going as it was important to DD. He wasn't happy but it happened and now DP goes to all performances and it's normal.

The problem is this time, I don't think I completely agree. He's a massive part in DD's life and I love how they are close, I know he loves her and I appreciate it can be frustrating and thankless sometimes being a step parent. But, I feel its a 'parents' evening. She has two very involved parents and it isn't necessary or worth the fallout.

I also don't really like the insistence. Like it's a right if that makes sense although I could possibly be being over sensitive here. But I've always been very aware and advised DP over the years not to try and 'parent' too much but to just focus on building a good relationship with her.

Am I being unreasonable?

Blimey. Primary school parents evenings are really not that interesting! Having done them for the last 14 years!! 🤯

My kids step dad has never attended theirs. I have always gone with exdh who is very involved in their lives. It's really not necessary. It's a 10 minute chat which can easily be retold

I feel for you. I'm the step parent, DSS lives with his mum (supposed main carer but hes with us most of the week, goes home to babysit younger siblings who are not my DPs children) I go to school activities but iv never gone to parents evening, wouldn't dream of even asking let alone insisting. DSS mum doesn't go either, hes in secondary school and shes never been to school once. My DP and his parents go. I'm not his parent. I think your DP is BVU I feel hes trying to mark his territory, it's not fair on EXH or you, its putting you in an awkward position. I have no advice but send

So you’ve been living together 3 years.. the honeymoon period is over, his feet are under the table, he’s about to start showing you who he really is OP, you need to keep all your antennas switched on over the coming months.. good luck, don’t sleepwalk into anything that is going to disrupt the coparenting relationship you’ve so patiently nurtured for the benefit of your DD.

don’t sleepwalk into anything that is going to disrupt the coparenting relationship you’ve so patiently nurtured for the benefit of your DD.

This X 1000

Depends on why he wants to go.. is he jealous of you having this special event with your ex? Or is he very active in your DDs life, school pick ups, homework etc.?

It’s a tricky one, not impressed with his insistence though. The school with give you two separate appointments if needs be, I’ve seen that happen when divorced parents don’t get on.

In all honesty I would decline.

Op please think carefully about whether this man is controlling.

I was with someone who sounds extremely similar. You said he would find it hurtful if you said it was an event for her real parents. Are his feelings hurt a lot? Do you find yourself having to find good times to mention things/or word things carefully? And how does he react when his 'feelings are hurt'?

You say you want to pick your battles. Pick this one.

So many reasons to draw a boundary here, not least to make sure you can assert yourself against him in something important.

I can see why he'd like to go. He's been part of her life for almost half of it. However he should be discussing this with you and asking if you feel it would be ok. I don't like the insisting either.

“Wow, your partner has a brass neck! I'd say to him, if you want to attend, then we get married.“

Please- whatever you do- ignore this seriously crap advice.

@CPParenttoDD1234 presumably your ex is happy for your DP to attend though? Sounds like OP's ex wouldn't be and it seems foolish to rock a pretty stable boat for this.

He should not insist, that's a big worry and I would insist back. My dp went to ds's parents night for the first time this year this was because I was running late and dp met me and ds at the school. Ds's dad is dead if he were there dp would not have attended and I asked ds if he was happy for dp to come in.

So your partner has already appropriated school performances and nudged her dad out (I think that's terrible, actually - they should be able to attend 50:50) and now he's trying to take parents evening from him.

It would be different if your daughter had a father who didn't give a damn, but your ex isn't like that. No wonder he's getting worried that your partner is taking over.

You need to say no. It would be extremely awkward if they were both there anyway. You've already said that your DP has different expectations of your daughter. The two men could easily have an argument in front of the teacher.

You need to be fair to your ex and say no to this one.

This is about his ego and getting one over your ex. And he’s telling YOU how you can arrange your own parenting with your own daughter and her father. NO WAY!

She’s not his daughter. He doesn’t get to decide. And he especially does not get his wishes granted at the expense of your daughter’s own father.

It doesn’t matter that he lives with you and your daughter. If you split up with him (and he’s showing you a very unattractive part of his character) then he’d never see your daughter again anyway.

I’m in a blended family with older kids and I’d never do this and neither would my partner. Tell him no and explain why. If he won’t listen then expect him to push the boundaries even more over the next few years. I hope he’s not normally this bossy, egotistical and controlling but a decent step-parent needs to recognise that his role is to support the actual parent with their parenting, and the parenting decisions they make. His role is not to take over parenting decisions, or the role of an existing parent. Your daughter has an involved father already.

So your partner has already appropriated school performances and nudged her dad out (I think that's terrible, actually - they should be able to attend 50:50)
I think they're both attending, saraclara .

I would speak to the school in private, OP, to see if they have a policy on how many parents attend parents' evening anyway. At primary there isn't usually a lot of room to wait, in my experience you have to sit on a miniature chair outside the classroom and I've never seen more than two parents go in. If it's policy then the matter is closed - DD has two parents and your DP isn't one of them.

I would have slightly more sympathy for his point of view if he had expressed it in a less high-handed manner, but the fact remains this 100% isn't his decision. There is no need for him to be present, so why is he insisting? As a previous poster said, how would you feel if your xH wanted to bring along a new partner as well? It's not practical or necessary.

When a step parent comes into a child's life they are there purely because they like the adult in the relationship. They would like them without a child. Very few relationships start because someone wants to parent a child so they'll just shack up with the adult.

He's doing a pathetic pissing over his territory attempt. Well it's time he grew up. The child is not his child. The child is not even his step child if you are not married and more importantly she has a present and engaged father.

I'm embarrassed for him at his immature and insecurity and this needs to be dealt with hard right now by you. I wouldn't even ask your child if she wants your boyfriend there. It's different from a play and she might feel obliged to say yes.

He has no right to insist on anything - he's not her parent. She has two parents who are fully and actively involved in her life - what right does he think he has to barge in like he is?

It's a shame he lost contact with his ex's children but that's just part of life when you're a step-parent unfortunately. Your relationship with the SDC is very often dependent on your relationship with the parent. I was with my ex for several years and he had DC - I haven't seen him or the children since we split because I had to move away. It's sad but unfortunately that's what happens sometimes. Thankfully I never took on a parenting role and I was just "daddy's girlfriend" who took them to Pizza Hut occasionally!

Why does he get to go to all her school plays and assemblies? Wouldn't her real dad like the opportunity to go to some? I would feel pushed out particularly if the step dad insisted on parents evening too and told me I should suck it up

He had contact at first until they moved away and she told him they all needed a fresh start.

Red flag? Can you imagine doing this to your ex?

Issues like this is why I wish people would really think more deeply before allowing new partners into their children's lives.

You are not married, yet your partner is involved as if he is a legitimate step parent. He's not. Legally he has no rights over your DD. He can go at any time, leaving your DD very confused. Children, can end up with a series of unofficial 'step parents'. You need to show your DD that a man needs to commit 100% before being given 'rights' over her.

A 'partner' should not have so much authority in your child's life. There are at least 3 things you've said in this OP that get my alarm bells ringing.

Firstly, him attending the very first play. And supposedly you left this decision up to your DD? It's not her place to determine who goes where, and him expecting to go whether 'DD wanted him there' (I suspect he aided DD there) or not was just a moment of oneupship. I can't see why you couldn't see how his presence at the first ever play might have been hurtful been to your ex and inappropriate.

1. He just moved in and was reprimanding your DD?

1. You seem relieved to be able to say no. Why did you need consensus on MN to feel you have legitimate reason to say no.

1. If he was sooo brilliant SF, why has his ex stopped her kids from seeing him?

Red flags all over.

Why did he split with his last partner?

*Issues like this is why I wish people would really think more deeply before allowing new partners into their children's lives.

You are not married, yet your partner is involved as if he is a legitimate step parent. He's not. Legally he has no rights over your DD. He can go at any time, leaving your DD very confused. Children, can end up with a series of unofficial 'step parents'. You need to show your DD that a man needs to commit 100% before being given 'rights' over her.*

Well bloody said!!!!

I don't think his ex moving on is necessarily a red flag.

He wasn't their parent. Step-parents have no rights when it comes to contact with their ex's kids. Was she really supposed to stay nearby and maintain contact with a man who has no relation to her children forever?

Even after a couple married, surely step parents have no legal rights over their step children? Unless there is some sort of legal agreement - like a parental responsibility order?

My exP was taking his gf along to parents evenings before she'd even met the DC. It seemed very strange and inappropriate. We had appointments on different days but I was still there as I assist with school events. She still goes now and they always do a massive loud performance parent show for all around. It's definitely about establishing power and egos rather than anything to do with the dc. I know your situation is very different but i still think this is a power thing.

Marriage makes no difference at all. None.