DP insisting he be allowed at DD's next parents evening

[TheForgetfulDengineer]

Been with DP five years and he, DD and I have lived together for 3. They have a great relationship and are very close.

DD who is 8 also has a great relationship with her dad. She sees him 3 or 4 times a week including 2 overnights. ExH and I coparent well, it took a few years to settle after we split but we are now pretty amicable although we do still disagree on the ocassion.

The main bone of contention over the years has been DP. Exh didnt take it all well when I began a new relationship after a year of us separating. It took a long time for him to get used to the idea of us moving in. He was terrified of being replaced in DD's eyes.

However now, they rub along OK. They'll never be best mates but they say hello and pass small talk at drop off etc.

DP attends DD's performances at school or dance, birthday parties, Christmas fares etc.

He's never been to parents evening though. It's always just been me and XH. TBH it had never occurred to me it should be otherwise.

He's mentioned in conversation a couple of times recently that 'that is going to change' and he's going to insist he goes to the next one and ex will have to suck it up.

I know this will cause problems and if I felt strongly about it I would deal with the fallout. For example, DD really wanted him to go to her first nativity a few years ago so I told exH, DP was going as it was important to DD. He wasn't happy but it happened and now DP goes to all performances and it's normal.

The problem is this time, I don't think I completely agree. He's a massive part in DD's life and I love how they are close, I know he loves her and I appreciate it can be frustrating and thankless sometimes being a step parent. But, I feel its a 'parents' evening. She has two very involved parents and it isn't necessary or worth the fallout.

I also don't really like the insistence. Like it's a right if that makes sense although I could possibly be being over sensitive here. But I've always been very aware and advised DP over the years not to try and 'parent' too much but to just focus on building a good relationship with her.

Am I being unreasonable?

Actually this kinds of reminds me of LeAnn Rimes (if you are bored, google her and her current marriage). Her narcissism is EPIC level. Her and Eddie Cibrian had an affair when he was still married to Brandi Glanville. LeAnn was single white femaling Brandi, brought the same jeep and same colour, moved into their neighbourhood, was really chasing after Eddie. Brandi threw Eddie out and he went to LeAnn. Now, LeAnn started following Brandi at school dropoffs, once even almost cut her off, talked about how happy she was to make Mason and Jake's (Brandi/Eddie's sons) school lunches.
LeAnn wasn't even engaged to Eddie, when she took it upon herself to sing at Mason's school for Parent's Day (discussing their jobs, what they do, etc). Brandi pleaded with LeAnn to let her have that day at her own son's school. LeAnn refused and got Mason to say he wanted her there. So, Brandi was forced away from her own son's school Parent's Day, while LeAnn, who was only the girlfriend, not even fiance, let alone wife, muscled in and sang at the school.

When it was going down, everyone on the net was talking about it and were shocked that LeAnn could be so cruel and callous, so lacking a sensitivity chip, so determined to push Brandi out of her own family. She flaunted the fact that she now had Brandi's life. It was so shocking. Brandi is a hot mess, but that doesn't change that LeAnn was in the wrong for shoving Brandi out of her own family. There is so, so, so much worse narcissistic psycho stuff LeAnn has done to Brandi (and others like Brandi supporters, LeAnn called up a parent of special needs children and demanded to know why she supported Brandi - look up the 'Smiley case' - and Kim Smiley, the mother, was recording LeAnn ranting about Brandi and being aggressive to the woman. The woman released the audio recording to some Brandi supporters on the net; LeAnn sued the woman for recording the conversation, even knew when she would be served, LeAnn had a tabloid rep following the server so as to splash the woman over the tabloids. They settled out of court, but still to ring up and harass a fan of your enemy, then sue them, a poor mother of 3 special needs kids, is just evil).

Lol, marriage makes ALL the difference.

What a lot of fuss about a parents evening. DH and I loathed having to go to them with all the waiting about and getting very little out of it except being told all was well with our sons. We used to try very hard indeed to ensure only one of us had to endure these things and took it in turns to go. Anyone who actually wants to go seems very strange indeed to me.

“Lol, marriage makes ALL the difference.“

In what way?

I don't think it's appropriate and would say no.

If you really need explaining why marriage and the legality of parentage matters, then, I don't know what to say.

It's lovely he's involved and wants to build a relationship with DD, but part of that relationship means knowing when to take a step back.

This 100%.

He isn't the child's father, nor is he her step-father. I think he therefore has no say in anything relating to the upbringing of the child. He could walk away from the relationship at any time.

If he were married to the OP, it would be a different matter, of course.

“If you really need explaining why marriage and the legality of parentage matters, then, I don't know what to say.”
Well, I do in this case. Being married to the parent of a child makes no difference to the legality of your relationship with that child.

If you really need explaining why marriage and the legality of parentage matters, then, I don't know what to say.

Eh? It makes no difference whatsoever when the child in question has both biological parents involved in their life. Marrying someone with children doesn't automatically give you any responsibility over them whatsoever. You have to apply for parental responsibility and if the other parent refuses (and why on earth wouldn't they refuse?) then you stand no chance.

www.thefamilylawco.co.uk/blog/2019/01/22/can-i-get-parental-responsibility-for-a-step-child/

I don't understand what Saranade means either!

I'm a stepmum, happily married and been involved in my stepson's lif for years, but I never went to a parents evening. As much as anything there isn't really room for a hoard of people around a teacher's desk. My husband always tells me everything that was said afterwards, and if I ever was wondering about something at school I'd ask my husband to ask while he was there. I'd have loved to have gone, but it wasn't my place. I've been to many school shows and presentation nights, which are usually in bigger venues.

I think you have to butter him up a bit to tell him no! Tell him he's a great stepdad and you value his help, but there isn't room and it isn't appropriate for him to come. If he creates tell him that's exactly why - you don't want egos and atmospheres when you're trying to hear about your child's schooling.

I agree with pp that you need to wake up. Your ex doesn't just have to put up with this - your do isn't your child's parent and has no business insisting on anything. The fact that he thinks he can is a very worrying sign.
Your child has two, fully involved parents and that's it. Unless your dp was raising your DD on the absence of her actual father then he has no right to override what her father wants with regard to DD.
A boyfriend of 3 years is not even a step parent. I think he's not going to take it well when you say no and I think you sound a bit scared of saying it and that is a red flag.

My Ex wasn’t at first but the reality is if I’m living with DP and I expect him to chip in. Help both financially, emotionally and practically then it’s right he has an important part in her education. My DD respects that my DP and her father both attend parents evening. It’s how it is and me Ex has to suck it up I’m afraid. Now it’s the norm.

Not RTFT but I think the DP is wrong to be "insisting" on this. Bollocks to that.

It's not going to benefit anyone - certainly not your DD. He's just being territorial. It's like a dog trying to piss on an extra lamppost.

**So your partner has already appropriated school performances and nudged her dad out (I think that's terrible, actually - they should be able to attend 50:50) and now he's trying to take parents evening from him.

It would be different if your daughter had a father who didn't give a damn, but your ex isn't like that. No wonder he's getting worried that your partner is taking over **

Would never let him take over ex. Ex goes as well. Sometimes we go separately, sometimes altogether, depending on work commitments. Ex goes more regularly than DP.

Also feel like pointing out Ex is by no means an angel and hasn't always been a good father. It's taken a while to get to this point. I worked hard to establish his and DD's relationship and support it.

**Issues like this is why I wish people would really think more deeply before allowing new partners into their children's lives.

You are not married, yet your partner is involved as if he is a legitimate step parent. He's not. Legally he has no rights over your DD. He can go at any time, leaving your DD very confused. Children, can end up with a series of unofficial 'step parents'. You need to show your DD that a man needs to commit 100% before being given 'rights' over her.

A 'partner' should not have so much authority in your child's life. There are at least 3 things you've said in this OP that get my alarm bells ringing.

Firstly, him attending the very first play. And supposedly you left this decision up to your DD? It's not her place to determine who goes where, and him expecting to go whether 'DD wanted him there' (I suspect he aided DD there) or not was just a moment of oneupship. I can't see why you couldn't see how his presence at the first ever play might have been hurtful been to your ex and inappropriate.

1. He just moved in and was reprimanding your DD?hmm

1. You seem relieved to be able to say no. Why did you need consensus on MN to feel you have legitimate reason to say no.

1. If he was sooo brilliant SF, why has his ex stopped her kids from seeing him?

Red flags all over.**

I feel like there's a lot of assumptions

• I did think deeply. It was a year before he met her. After another year, he very gradually moved in.
• we are engaged and are getting married next year. We've put it off for financial reasons, while I've been ill DP has supported us both financially as exh although involved and is a high earner, wouldn't pay child support regularly until recently.
• he wasn't allowed to reprimand my child without my permission. I would hope any adult would steer her in the right direction if she was doing something wrong. If I felt they were incorrect, I would say so and I did.

• try telling a five year old that one of her favourite people in the world aren't going to her nativity even though she has repeatedly asked him too because mummy and daddy say no. There's no need. It was her first. Primary nativity, she'd had three in nursery and pre school. It wasn't a new thing. FYI DP came from work, slipped in at the back and left at the end on my instruction as there had been arguments about it. He was then able to tell DD he had been there as she had wanted him to be. This was the right thing to do for my daughter.

• I thought this was an advice board to come and talk about something anonymously if you are unsure about something. Because things aren't always so black and white and sometimes you don't know if you're doing something for the best reasons. Why is it bad I am relieved most people agree with me and I felt I wanted a little validation as I was unsure. Its the point of the forum or have I got that wrong?

DP isn't abusive. I know abuse. He has been heavy handed here and not come across great and he isn't perfect but he's not abusive

Sorry highlighted sections didn't appear will post it again so it's clearer to read..

*So your partner has already appropriated school performances and nudged her dad out (I think that's terrible, actually - they should be able to attend 50:50) and now he's trying to take parents evening from him.

It would be different if your daughter had a father who didn't give a damn, but your ex isn't like that. No wonder he's getting worried that your partner is taking over *

Would never let him take over ex. Ex goes as well. Sometimes we go separately, sometimes altogether, depending on work commitments. Ex goes more regularly than DP.

Also feel like pointing out Ex is by no means an angel and hasn't always been a good father. It's taken a while to get to this point. I worked hard to establish his and DD's relationship and support it.

*Issues like this is why I wish people would really think more deeply before allowing new partners into their children's lives.

You are not married, yet your partner is involved as if he is a legitimate step parent. He's not. Legally he has no rights over your DD. He can go at any time, leaving your DD very confused. Children, can end up with a series of unofficial 'step parents'. You need to show your DD that a man needs to commit 100% before being given 'rights' over her.

A 'partner' should not have so much authority in your child's life. There are at least 3 things you've said in this OP that get my alarm bells ringing.

Firstly, him attending the very first play. And supposedly you left this decision up to your DD? It's not her place to determine who goes where, and him expecting to go whether 'DD wanted him there' (I suspect he aided DD there) or not was just a moment of oneupship. I can't see why you couldn't see how his presence at the first ever play might have been hurtful been to your ex and inappropriate.

1. He just moved in and was reprimanding your DD?hmm

1. You seem relieved to be able to say no. Why did you need consensus on MN to feel you have legitimate reason to say no.

1. If he was sooo brilliant SF, why has his ex stopped her kids from seeing him?

Red flags all over.*

I feel like there's a lot of assumptions

• I did think deeply. It was a year before he met her. After another year, he very gradually moved in.
• we are engaged and are getting married next year. We've put it off for financial reasons, while I've been ill DP has supported us both financially as exh although involved and is a high earner, wouldn't pay child support regularly until recently.
• he wasn't allowed to reprimand my child without my permission. I would hope any adult would steer her in the right direction if she was doing something wrong. If I felt they were incorrect, I would say so and I did.

• try telling a five year old that one of her favourite people in the world aren't going to her nativity even though she has repeatedly asked him too because mummy and daddy say no. There's no need. It was her first. Primary nativity, she'd had three in nursery and pre school. It wasn't a new thing. FYI DP came from work, slipped in at the back and left at the end on my instruction as there had been arguments about it. He was then able to tell DD he had been there as she had wanted him to be. This was the right thing to do for my daughter.

• I thought this was an advice board to come and talk about something anonymously if you are unsure about something. Because things aren't always so black and white and sometimes you don't know if you're doing something for the best reasons. Why is it bad I am relieved most people agree with me and I felt I wanted a little validation as I was unsure. Its the point of the forum or have I got that wrong?

DP isn't abusive. I know abuse. He has been heavy handed here and not come across great and he isn't perfect but he's not abusive

I agree with pp that you need to wake up. Your ex doesn't just have to put up with this - your do isn't your child's parent and has no business insisting on anything. The fact that he thinks he can is a very worrying sign.

Im not sure why I am getting so many comments telling me to wake up when most people are agreeing with me and I was just asking if I was being unreasonable.

Thanks to everybody who wrote their non-judgemental points of view, I really appreciate the perspective and support

Not really the point, but do you and ex still need to go to parents eve together anyway? My kids school make 2 appointments, one for me and partner should I choose to bring him, and one for ex

OP - l really don't like the sound of yr DP and his "willy waving" over XH.

As others have said, you need to be vigilant about him and where this is heading.

I'm divorced and XH is still with OW. She goes to school plays, sports events...usually opposite timings to me and l have no problem with that...

But... to have her insist that she has a right to be somewhere as much as me... no absolutely not and she would be reminded of her "place" in my child's life...which is behind me and my XH.

Just to say that OW has never insisted on anything and is actually very pleasant.

Please do not marry this man. He will get worse. This is how it starts and when you get married it will be more difficult to leave. He's laying the groundwork for keeping you in line. Abuse is t always obvious, especially when you are in the relationship as your perception is clouded. It took me until after my marriage ending to realise how abusive my exH was. Please listen to the voices of experience who are commenting here.

In what way?

Because you're not a Step Parent unless you are?

It formerly establishes the commitment of the partner to the family as well as the Mother. A partner an never become a formal legalised guardian.

For children it establishes a demarcation of the importance of the relationship from a shacking up situation.

As it stands a parent with children can move anyone in, and that person gets full Step Parent authority. Then when that relationship ends a new person also gets SP 'rights'

It's about providing boundaries for children especially

Step Parents can be liable for child maintenance after a divorce in some cases. And they can formerly apply for access to see Step Children.

By going through the courts and obtaining a court order they can become legal guardians

In a situation where the DC are at risk, they can obtain a Child Arrangements Order in which they are specifically named as the person with whom the child lives.

Yes they may have to go through the courts, but none of these can occur if you are just a partner, no matter how much you give.

The committment of marriage is a signal to stepping into the formal role of a SP, and proper comittment. It provides a sense of security for children if nothing else and serves a sign of how important the relationship is.

Essentially if the relationship is casual why the hell is that person allowed to behave like a parent? Giving discipline etc? The all too common scenario can be shitty for children (and Ex wives/husbands) if the parent isn't wise about it.

What a lot of fuss about a parents evening. DH and I loathed having to go to them with all the waiting about and getting very little out of it except being told all was well with our sons. We used to try very hard indeed to ensure only one of us had to endure these things and took it in turns to go. Anyone who actually wants to go seems very strange indeed to me. agree with this
I’d send ex and dp along simply for the fact I hate parents night

How do you think he’ll respond to you saying “no” to him about this, OP?

Because that will tell you all you need to know.

Who helps with the homework day in day out? If it’s you and your Ex, great. But I suspect it would he you and your DP right? The resident parents who parent the child day in day out should have the right to go to parents’ evenings whether they are step or not. That applies to stepmums too.

People are saying it because it's really easy to slip into a situation where you end up controlled. It doesn't happen overnight. And because even though you knew this wasn't right, you didn't just tell your partner 'no'. You are doubting your own instincts. And I think you sound nervous of the resulting row that you know is going to happen.
You are going to marry him and then he will be a step parent - how is that going to play out in terms of him asserting his 'rights'.

I think you were right to include him in school plays, since that was important to your DD, but you are also right to think that some things are for parents alone to deal with.
I get that he's list one family and wants to ensure that doesn't happen again but all people are saying is watch out he doesn't walk all over you and piss off your child's father in the meantime. If you've worked hard to make co parenting work,vyou don't want him messing this up for you.