DP insisting he be allowed at DD's next parents evening

[TheForgetfulDengineer]

Been with DP five years and he, DD and I have lived together for 3. They have a great relationship and are very close.

DD who is 8 also has a great relationship with her dad. She sees him 3 or 4 times a week including 2 overnights. ExH and I coparent well, it took a few years to settle after we split but we are now pretty amicable although we do still disagree on the ocassion.

The main bone of contention over the years has been DP. Exh didnt take it all well when I began a new relationship after a year of us separating. It took a long time for him to get used to the idea of us moving in. He was terrified of being replaced in DD's eyes.

However now, they rub along OK. They'll never be best mates but they say hello and pass small talk at drop off etc.

DP attends DD's performances at school or dance, birthday parties, Christmas fares etc.

He's never been to parents evening though. It's always just been me and XH. TBH it had never occurred to me it should be otherwise.

He's mentioned in conversation a couple of times recently that 'that is going to change' and he's going to insist he goes to the next one and ex will have to suck it up.

I know this will cause problems and if I felt strongly about it I would deal with the fallout. For example, DD really wanted him to go to her first nativity a few years ago so I told exH, DP was going as it was important to DD. He wasn't happy but it happened and now DP goes to all performances and it's normal.

The problem is this time, I don't think I completely agree. He's a massive part in DD's life and I love how they are close, I know he loves her and I appreciate it can be frustrating and thankless sometimes being a step parent. But, I feel its a 'parents' evening. She has two very involved parents and it isn't necessary or worth the fallout.

I also don't really like the insistence. Like it's a right if that makes sense although I could possibly be being over sensitive here. But I've always been very aware and advised DP over the years not to try and 'parent' too much but to just focus on building a good relationship with her.

Am I being unreasonable?

He shouldn't be insisting on anything about your daughter. Is there any way you can all go to parents evening though?

I read it as the other children are stepchildren Betrand

@BertrandRussell I got from the OP that those previous children were also stepkids rather than his own where he'd have rights?

Sorry, I wrote another comment but it seems to have disappeared.

Yes, his ex had two children from previous relationship. He had contact at first until they moved away and she told him they all needed a fresh start.

I'm relieved actually as I did think people wod generally think he should be accommodated. I've been imagining a fallout but I'll just have the conversation with DP instead

Agree who others, nip this in the bud. I think there may be a bit of jealousy involved, especially as he’s insisting on going. He doesn’t get to make that decision.

You do have to give your ex some say in things. Sounds like you co-parent well so what’s the point in rocking the boat over something like this

No, you are right, he shouldn't be insisting and it's not his place to go as he has no legal Parental Responsibility for your DD. The only people who should go are your DD's parental responsibility holders. The school probably aren't even supposed to disclose information about your DD to him (I don't know this for a fact - if he's listed as a trusted person, they might be able to)

But he absolutely does not have any right to insist upon it, especially since it sounds like it's a saddo case of willy waving - although there is an element of "child replacement" going on as well, to make up for his previous loss.

It's going to be a hard one because it sounds like he IS going to feel "excluded" and as though he's not a "real parent" - but tough nuts, quite honestly. Your DD is the one that matters here, not him. And that's the ONLY thing that really counts - it's about your DD, not about him.

It’s not his place to go, she has a dad who is involved, as a step dad he needs to learn to take a step back.

I have to say I completely disagree with most People on here.

I thinks it’s very important Step Parents attend parents evening as often they have some information that parents may not know. Also if you are living with your partner it is important he knows what’s going on at scho for your DD.

My DP attends all my DD parents evening with her myself and her Father who is very actively involved in her life. Often my DP brings things that neither us have thought of.

It’s also important your DP “parents” her as she needs to be able to respect him when growing up. Yes they have a very different relationship but that doesn’t mean it can’t be a parent style relationship. He needs to be able to tell her off without her reacting badly. Interact with her in a way that she seems him as someone she can go to. My DD has three parents and 6 grandparents. We all treat her the same so she has boundaries and great relationships with all of us.

Has he told you anything more about the ex who moved away for a fresh start and cut contact with him?

Why they split, for example? What does he see his part as being in the end of that relationship?

It might be relevant, that’s all

“He's mentioned in conversation a couple of times recently that 'that is going to change' and he's going to insist he goes to the next one and ex will have to suck it up. “

This twangs my alarm bells.
He is being territorial over your child.
Why is it playing in his mind that he ‘mentions’ several times when no parent’s evening is planned?

Being s great step parent includes knowing when supporting your step child means NOT beating your chest and establishing your own status.

It sounds as if he views you as a member of his harem and your child as therefore under his jurisdiction. Alpha male posturing.

Is he controlling?

He doesn't need to go. If the situation was reversed, would you think your exh's partner needs to go? You are right. Say no. He isn't her parent. It would cause problems with her dad.

What does your daughter want?

YANBU. It would be lovely of him to OFFER to come, to want to be there. The insistence is a problem, particularly as it seems he may be doing it just to mark territory with your daughter's dad.

He is either pissing up a lamppost to show your ex who is boss or he is starting to show controlling behaviours. Either way, this is a red flag and you are right to be questioning it. You have a good thing going with your ex, don't tarnish it. He isn't her dad and she has an involved dad. You need to sit DP down and tell him no.

@CPParenttoDD1234

I agree with a lot of what you're saying but not so black and white. I feel its a time thing and although DP should be a respected adult who she lives with and is in charge when I'm not there (much like my sister who we've also lived with her grandparents) I think parenting needs to grow over many years if you're not a biological parent. I noticed when my DP first moved in, if he told her off, she took it much worse than if I did - there isn't that unconditional bond that provides security when a parent does the telling off (IMO anyway). Besides, he has different values to me, was brought up more traditionally with more rules and we are more slapdash. So I took the stance early on that he shouldn't do too much parenting until their relationship was really secure and he was used to how I do things. It would give him chance to see that while he'd tell a child off for standing up during dinner to tell a story, my child can do that if she wants to etc.

Also, if my exh was more relaxed and supportive about DP, I would just let him come but as he isn't, I have to respect his feelings and also consider whether I think its important enough and worth the fallout

Sounds very sensible OP.

Go with your instinct.

Wow, your partner has a brass neck! I'd say to him, if you want to attend, then we get married. Seriously, if you're not married, than he is nothing more than your boyfriend. Not even fiance let alone husband. As merely a boyfriend, he has no right to attend, in fact, it would be downright inappropriate given she has a father who attends. He is rude, entitled and has completely inappropriate attitudes. You have a good parenting relationship with your XH - keep it that way! Don't do anything to jeopardise that, especially for a boyfriend with no legal rights or ties. His attitude is wrong on so many levels!

And so it begins...

Maybe he could just piss on your leg before you go so that your ex knows he is not top dog anymore in your life (not that he needs telling, your ex sounds a decent bloke).

In all seriousness, this has alarm bells ringing. It's the insisting, the language, the things will change. He's marking his territory over you and your dd. From your other comments I think you need to have a good think and a good read of something like this and see if it rings any alarm bells.

www.usafvshelter.org/red-flags-warning-signs-of-an-abusive-personality

clarewalkerconsultancy.com/warning-signs-how-to-spot-a-dominator/

Sorry, that's two different links. There was a gap when I wrote it

My abusive ExH's partner/gf insists on attending parents evening. It is very much about asserting her place. ExH claims to not even live with her yet there she is taking over and asking all the questions. We have separate appointments due to the abuse. Dd1 is at secondary school now and I can't go as he goes and I can't be in the same room as him. It's only one appointment so I have to miss out. Boils my piss as he only goes to check that I am being a good mum and that she's not missing any school. The teachers at primary school were appalled at her attitude and domineering presence.

The problem is OP you don’t want him to go for many sensible reasons (that have little to do with your Ex) and you are perfectly right to say these BUT you feel you need to ask on here. That for me is a red flag that he has gotten into your thinking that you need others opinions that your view is ok and should be followed

Who does dd spend father's day with? How long until your dp 'insists' that she spend father's day with him, as well?

I've seen this happen before.

Are you married to him? If not, he's not legally her step father.

Its only in the last year or so it's stopped being uncomfortable just going with Exh. I would be more worried about those two rather than what was being said about DD.

This could be a way to explain why you'd rather he didn't come

It's lovely he's involved and wants to build a relationship with DD, but part of that relationship means knowing when to take a step back.

He's not controlling, but he does have ego issues, never usually concerning my daughter though.

Are you sure he isn’t controlling?

He knows your ex won’t like this and doesn’t care and much more worryingly he hasn’t even asked your opinion on this!

He’s told you this is going to change.

That is controlling OP, wake up!