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Original poster

DP insisting he be allowed at DD's next parents evening

288 replies

TheForgetfulDengineer · 13/08/2019 06:49

Been with DP five years and he, DD and I have lived together for 3. They have a great relationship and are very close.

DD who is 8 also has a great relationship with her dad. She sees him 3 or 4 times a week including 2 overnights. ExH and I coparent well, it took a few years to settle after we split but we are now pretty amicable although we do still disagree on the ocassion.

The main bone of contention over the years has been DP. Exh didnt take it all well when I began a new relationship after a year of us separating. It took a long time for him to get used to the idea of us moving in. He was terrified of being replaced in DD's eyes.

However now, they rub along OK. They'll never be best mates but they say hello and pass small talk at drop off etc.

DP attends DD's performances at school or dance, birthday parties, Christmas fares etc.

He's never been to parents evening though. It's always just been me and XH. TBH it had never occurred to me it should be otherwise.

He's mentioned in conversation a couple of times recently that 'that is going to change' and he's going to insist he goes to the next one and ex will have to suck it up.

I know this will cause problems and if I felt strongly about it I would deal with the fallout. For example, DD really wanted him to go to her first nativity a few years ago so I told exH, DP was going as it was important to DD. He wasn't happy but it happened and now DP goes to all performances and it's normal.

The problem is this time, I don't think I completely agree. He's a massive part in DD's life and I love how they are close, I know he loves her and I appreciate it can be frustrating and thankless sometimes being a step parent. But, I feel its a 'parents' evening. She has two very involved parents and it isn't necessary or worth the fallout.

I also don't really like the insistence. Like it's a right if that makes sense although I could possibly be being over sensitive here. But I've always been very aware and advised DP over the years not to try and 'parent' too much but to just focus on building a good relationship with her.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
velocitygirl7 · 13/08/2019 07:45

This is totally about him 'marking his territory' and I say this as someone with a dh who is stepdad to my dc.
I think he sounds unpleasant. Just say no, you have every right to.

Dippypippy1980 · 13/08/2019 07:46

He sounds like an insensitive bully.

He doesn’t get to demand to go. its great he has a good relationship with your daughter, but how would you feel if your ex insistent on bringing his girlfriend to parents evenings?

As others have said, it’s important to understand why he wants to go, and from the way he phrased it it sounds like he wasn’t to make a point, rather than hear about your child’s education.

Original poster
TheForgetfulDengineer · 13/08/2019 07:47

@PicsInRed no, not quite but I see why you would think that. I'm not afraid to say no if I think it's right, I just need to figure out what's right first. I was worried about hurting his feelings if I was BU but when I say no, I will mean it.

He isn't generally controlling, but I know if I were to say to him parents evening is for 'real parents' as PP suggested, it would be hurtful to him. It's factual I know.

@BadnessInTheFolds all of who you mentioned I think

His ex wife had children, when they split, he lost contact with them. He was very hurt by that and knew the children were hurt too. I think all this is his way of making sure its known that his and DD's relationship matters

That might be a drip feed actually, apologies if it is

OP posts:
TanMateix · 13/08/2019 07:47

BTW, my exh’s then new partner insisted in going to DS’ parents evening BUT demanded we had separate meetings. It just felt like parents evening was no longer about DS and what was right for him but about this woman to establish her status as the new partner of DS’ dad.

They went... once. A month after she demanded for communication to stop between DH and I. 3 months later she asked exH to choose between her and his son. Then she asked DP’s family to stop communicating with DS and when they refused, DP cut them off.

So don’t let you DP’ ego problems split your DD’s family.

Super123 · 13/08/2019 07:47

I think this is a pivotal time for your arrangements. It sounds like you all put dd first and it is great that it is working so well.
However, if DP gets his way with this, I don't think it will be the first time he tries to assert himself. He can't demand to be there.
Over the years, it might put dd in an awkward position.
I don't think you should ask her what she thinks. I think you should decide what the boundary is and explain your reasons to DP.

floribunda18 · 13/08/2019 07:50

I'd suggest to him that he goes, but instead of you, the two dads could go if they want to. He can then relay the information to you. Quite often only one of us has gone to parents evening (as helpfully, both schools have managed to hold it on the same evening) or only one of us can get there. It's something I'm happy to contract out!

But I also agree that the best way is for all of you to talk about it, and for him to dogmatically insist.

BinkyandBunty · 13/08/2019 07:50

It's very telling that the reason he gave for wanting to go was 'acknowledging his place' or some such bollocks, and nothing to do with an interest in your daughter's education.

Ginger1982 · 13/08/2019 07:52

I think it's great that you all get along reasonably well rather than it being bitter and hateful but it's inappropriate for him to go to parents evening and his way of phrasing it is a red flag. He's not her dad. Different if she didn't have one or had a useless one but she clearly has a good one.

TanMateix · 13/08/2019 07:53

Exh cut them off not DP.

Anyhow, I just wish that woman had been less insecure, we have been happily co parenting for years despite having new partners until she replaced his other partner.

AtrociousCircumstance · 13/08/2019 07:54

YANBU. The way he has approached this is about asserting dominance and isn’t in the best interest of your DD since it will cause issues with her dad.

NabooThatsWho · 13/08/2019 07:56

His ex wife had children, when they split, he lost contact with them. He was very hurt by that and knew the children were hurt too. I think all this is his way of making sure its known that his and DD's relationship matters

How did he lose contact with his own children?

The parents evening is clearly all about ‘his’ feelings. He has no real need to be there as you and DDs very involved father are both going. If he’s hurt over it, that’s ok, let him be hurt. ‘Insisting’ on going is just going to cause awkwardness, but for some reason he doesn’t care about that.

pictish · 13/08/2019 07:57

It’s not a drip feed because that additional information doesn’t change anything regarding your ex’s position as her father. It’s not about your dp’s butthurt, it’s about the circumstances which actually apply. In your case your dd’s father is present and willing, so your dp’s role has to accommodate that regardless of his own previous personal experience. He isn’t owed this because of what happened before.

LizziesTwin · 13/08/2019 07:58

One parent goes, the other parent stays to look after the child. Or is just at work. No need for both you & DP to go, I’m sure you’re a competent adult who can ask appropriate questions & report back what’s said to him. Parenting is not a performance.

pictish · 13/08/2019 07:58

naboo - I think the OP means that he has had stepchildren before.

BrainFart · 13/08/2019 07:58

As an XH in a largely similar situation (break which took a few years to simmer down but is now largely fine, with both of us chipping in broadly equally to the task of raising the children), I would be exceedingly pissed off to see NewP at a parent's evening. It has been said before, and correctly - it is pure posturing.

Mrsjayy · 13/08/2019 08:00

It sounds like a pissing up a wall contest sorry to be course about it but why is he insisting on insisting so your Dds dad sucks it up ?

AryaStarkWolf · 13/08/2019 08:00

Not his place and I don't like his attitude, I feel sorry for your ex tbh, he clearly trying to let him know he's as much a dad as he is or maybe more and that's cruel, it must be tough enough as it is

Loughers · 13/08/2019 08:01

Doesn't sound like he made much of an effort to maintain contact with his biological children and this is a huge red flag to me.

No doubt he blames his exw for losing contact [hmm}

You should have went with your gut the first time he mentioned (insisted upon) attending. Your daughter has two parents tyvm and doesn't need an insecure absent parent pushing in to piss on the lamppost.

He has no right to go to a parent's night. He's not a parent.

I'm sorry but he sounds horrid.

HillRunner · 13/08/2019 08:01

He doesn't get to insist. It's for you and your exH to decide who attends, not him.

AryaStarkWolf · 13/08/2019 08:03

@Loughers sounds like he had step children before not biological children. The OP said his ex had children not that he had children with his ex

Mrsjayy · 13/08/2019 08:04

But if you split he would have no right to see your Dd either he isn't her parent he is your partner and a decent stepparent but he is seriously overstepping about this.

Missingstreetlife · 13/08/2019 08:04

Education and healthcare are an issue for those with parental responsibility, they have authority to make decisions. Step parents should support the parents unles there is very good reason why not.

Dippypippy1980 · 13/08/2019 08:05

It is sad that he lost contact with his previous step children.

Blended families are complex, and new partners can get so tied up in asserting their role, they stamp all over the actual parents. This happened to me and it was infuriating. The lady in question has now split from my ex, and I find it bizarre that this person wanted to be treated like a mother to my child and take key decisions. And now she is gone. My daughter won’t even remember her.

If this is how your husband behaved with his last step children, there may be a good reason why he doesn’t see them. Step parents need to respect the children’s parents. Your partner doesnt sound like he respects you or your ex.

HillRunner · 13/08/2019 08:05

I'd suggest to him that he goes, but instead of you, the two dads could go if they want to. He can then relay the information to you.

WTF? The OP should miss her child's parents evening in order to appease his ego and enable his posturing? Why the fuck should she pander to him? Why do his wishes matter more than hers?

BertrandRussell · 13/08/2019 08:06

He lost contact with his other children......

Is his ex wife crazy, by any chance?

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