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Original poster

Husband stole from me (again)

231 replies

Damsel77 · 12/08/2019 06:05

I am at my wits end.

I have only been married 3 months. 2 days ago I checked my bank account and found out my lovely husband had taken my personal cheque book (which I never use, it’s just been lying around the house) and written himself a cheque for £100.00. He’d not bothered to tell me. I felt physically sick and devastated.

This is not the first time this has happened. Around a year ago, I noticed items on my credit card statement I didn’t recognise, and sure enough, after a lot of lies and digging, found out he’d been using it behind my back. At the time I went baliisitic abd told him if he ever did this again I wouldn’t marry him. Now here we are, married, and he’s at it again.

What makes it worse is that there’s no real explanation, other than ‘I didn’t think you’d mind’, which is another lie as he knew from the last time I would be furious.

I can’t get my head around it. He works, has a good job and earns a good wage. But always seems to be broke. I’m pretty sure there’s nothing going on like gambling or drugs, he’s just terrible at managing his money.

I feel like the trust is completely broken and my initial reaction was divorce. He says I’m completely overreacting.

The big problem is we are in the middle of a very long, difficult TTC journey. I am 39, he is 44 and we were supposed to be going abroad for IVF in 2 months. I know this is terrible but I’m genuinely scared that if I end it, I’m also ending any chance of being a mother. There’s no way I could go it alone (say, with a sperm donor) as I don’t have any support.

I am so torn about what do do, and so hurt. I feel like whichever way I turn, I’ll be unhappy.

OP posts:
PrtScn · 12/08/2019 10:33

Bin him off. Work colleague decided to have baby via sperm donor. She’s doing a fab job on her own.

saraclara · 12/08/2019 10:34

It concerns me that you have a joint account. When you say that he's spent everything within a week of getting paid, do you mean he's spent your money as well? How do you keep your income separate from his.
Those saying that a married couple should have a 'what's yours is mine' relationship, don't you think this OP demonstrates exactly why that's a BAD idea? The OP's husband could spend every penny of the OP's income on gambling in that case.

Als the fact that you have a joint account surely makes you vulnerable, credit rating-wise?

I'm with the others. Go online and do a free credit rating check.

TowelNumber42 · 12/08/2019 10:37

Do you know you definitely need IVF? I just wonder if he had a vasectomy after his other child and that's why you are not getting pregnant. Access to savings/loans for IVF would be a big pull for a conman.

AdoraBell · 12/08/2019 10:41

As pp have said, don’t have a baby with this man.

As for keeping things private, he wants everything to be secret and that’s different.

Have you told the bank that you will not report the fraud to the the police?

Belenus · 12/08/2019 10:46

Glad I'm not the only one who thinks this. I find it bizarre that any husband can be accused of 'STEALING from his wife (or that she can be accused of stealing from HIM.) You are a married couple. It should be classed as joint money/family money? Why keep it separate when you are married?

I suspect the OP could be in very serious trouble with HMRC if they know her husband randomly helps himself to money from her business account. It's especially problematic that he forged her signature so it looks like she does it. So he steals, commits forgery and lies.

OP you told him you wouldn't marry him if he stole from you again. So he waited until you'd been married a few weeks and then forged your signature to steal a small amount of money from your business account. I suspect the sum was quite deliberate. You could get the kind of reaction you're getting from some people here "oh it's only £100, you're married..." Or it's possible you wouldn't have noticed it for some time and would think it was your mistake. He's testing the water and softening you up.

It's no mistake he's done this when you're legally tied to him and ttc. He knows you are trapped. Just think about that. Is this someone you want to be tied to forever? Someone who has the capacity to do this? Because you're not that trapped. You can walk away. You can use a sperm donor, you can divorce this man. It isn't easy, but I can guarantee it will be easier than having a child with this man.

howdyalikemenow · 12/08/2019 10:50

Unfortunately the police won't be interested but my ex pulled this sort of shit and I'm still battling to get the money back now. It's fraud of course but the police aren't much help as it's business related and you have a personal connection.

AdoraBell · 12/08/2019 10:50

There is a vast difference between family money and forging a signature on a business cheque to obtain funds.

AdoraBell · 12/08/2019 10:53

how did they at least log your report?

meercat23 · 12/08/2019 10:59

To those making the point that in a marriage all money should be joint/family money. I agree with that. That is not what the issue is here though. If the OP's DH truly thought he was just accessing family money, why would he forge a signature to get it? He did that because he knew he had no right to access the Business Account and didn't want the OP to know that he needed the money.

For the record there have been times in my (very) long marriage when I have run out of money in my housekeeping account. Mostly due to things like extra expenses due to Christmas or entertaining etc but sometimes just because I have just been more extravagant than usual. Always solved by just telling my DH and asking for some cash to be transferred to my account either from our business account or from savings. No drama. No problems It is all our money. But, no need to forge signatures or lie or hide it either. Even though I could without forging anything, I wouldn't just take it from the business account or savings without telling him. It is that that is the problem not the money itself although I agree with those saying that OP needs to find out if there is a problem such as gambling behind this.

HazelBite · 12/08/2019 10:59

This doesn't bode well OP.
I set up a joint savings account with my ExH which I paid into each month whereas he didn't as he was a student at the time. What I didn't realise was that he was constantly withdrawing from it, he flatly refused to do a part time/weekend job which I suggested he do.
The deception of it had a profound effect on me I couldn't cope with it.
I have been happily married to DH for in excess of 40 years and we still don't have a joint bank account, because it worries me, even though I trust DH implicitly.

AiryFairyMum · 12/08/2019 10:59

I've been through ivf and I know how hard it is. I understand about it feeling like a last chance. I'd be tempted to go ahead with the treatment, with your eyes open, and then if it works, work towards co parenting afterwards. It isn't the fairytale, but you want to be a mother and I understand that urge. Good luck OP.

ghostofharrenhal · 12/08/2019 11:00

TanMateix so if a couple divorce, debts are considered to belong to both parties when making the financial settlement? God, that is very unfair and all the more reason for OP to get out now...

ShhhBeQuiet · 12/08/2019 11:01

If you have a baby with him simply out of desperation to have a child then I think that's even more dishonest than stealing £100. I'd understand why you would do that but I think it would be a terrible idea.

I think I'd have to leave him. It's a very sad situation.

I don't think I'd involve his parents.

tribpot · 12/08/2019 11:12

You are going to need to be able to justify this expenditure from your business account, OP. Via an invoice or other paperwork. Or you need to go to the police, which seems more appropriate given you've already notified the bank of the fraud.

This isn't the same as stealing from a personal account, not at all.

Yabbers · 12/08/2019 11:18

There is more to life than having kids anyway! A lot more!

Worst advice on this thread by far.

What an awful thing to say to someone who is struggling TTC and going through IVF.

Yabbers · 12/08/2019 11:21

so if a couple divorce, debts are considered to belong to both parties when making the financial settlement?
It’s not as simple as that. Provenance and timing are taken into account.

Whosorrynow · 12/08/2019 11:32

The only reason this man wants to have a baby with you so is to create a permanent connection to your bank account
That's all the baby would be to him, a tool with which to access your money

Tonnerre · 12/08/2019 11:55

marriage assets and debts belong to both parties.

No, debts don't. I wish people would stop peddling these fictions on MN.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 12/08/2019 12:16

Exactly, Yabbers, I cringed when I read that. Better that it's never, EVER said. It's pointlessly cruel.

Rystall · 12/08/2019 12:17

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through OP. I think you need to run a mile from this & him.

This has absolutely nothing to do with marital assets and everything to do with lies and deceit. The fact that it was a small amount may indicate that this is his modus operandi... he’s probably been stealing small, insignificant amounts for ages. And it’s unlikely to be just from you. Does he have access to cash where he works?

I absolutely get your desire to have a baby but I think it would be madness to go ahead at this time, with this man. I couldn’t even contemplate it.

Can you delay your plans for IVF and insist on a trial separation until you can really get to the bottom of this. My gut feeling is that this is the tip of the iceberg ... you deserve to know absolutely everything. Credit reports, bank statements etc. He isn’t bad with money, there’s something very serious happening to say a grown man is consistently broke a couple of days after pay day. How are you going to rely on him to pay child related expenses. You can’t at the moment.

Your chance to have a baby won’t pass you by. But this is an awful way to begin that journey. It’s not un salvageable ... but you need to take back the control.

Good luck OP. You’re very brave. I wish you every happiness for your future.

candycane222 · 12/08/2019 12:24

@TheInebriati took the words from my mouth. You are not his wife, you are his mark.

candycane222 · 12/08/2019 12:25

He has broken the law, he has broken your trust, he has broken your heart, but he think's you're "overreacting". So - a gaslighter into the bargain. Nice.

RonnieScotts · 12/08/2019 12:28

Please don have a baby with this man, your baby does not deserve a thief and liar as a father.

Hidingtonothing · 12/08/2019 12:47

I don't see how you can make any decisions about the IVF until you know the truth about what's going on here. Please take the advice about checking credit files and digging to find out where he's actually spending his (and your) money, you really need to know before you decide whether to tie yourself to him even further with a baby. And yes, tell his parents, and ask them to be honest with you about any issues with him and money that they might be aware of.

I have a horrible feeling PP's are right and he is a conman, in which case you need to protect your money before he realises you've rumbled him and he cleans you out. I'm sorry OP but please don't stick your head in the sand, if it's true he has already taken enough from you (and not just money), don't let him take anymore.

Belenus · 12/08/2019 13:01

OP can you contact the mother of his child? She might know more about what he's like.