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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband stole from me (again)

231 replies

Damsel77 · 12/08/2019 06:05

I am at my wits end.

I have only been married 3 months. 2 days ago I checked my bank account and found out my lovely husband had taken my personal cheque book (which I never use, it’s just been lying around the house) and written himself a cheque for £100.00. He’d not bothered to tell me. I felt physically sick and devastated.

This is not the first time this has happened. Around a year ago, I noticed items on my credit card statement I didn’t recognise, and sure enough, after a lot of lies and digging, found out he’d been using it behind my back. At the time I went baliisitic abd told him if he ever did this again I wouldn’t marry him. Now here we are, married, and he’s at it again.

What makes it worse is that there’s no real explanation, other than ‘I didn’t think you’d mind’, which is another lie as he knew from the last time I would be furious.

I can’t get my head around it. He works, has a good job and earns a good wage. But always seems to be broke. I’m pretty sure there’s nothing going on like gambling or drugs, he’s just terrible at managing his money.

I feel like the trust is completely broken and my initial reaction was divorce. He says I’m completely overreacting.

The big problem is we are in the middle of a very long, difficult TTC journey. I am 39, he is 44 and we were supposed to be going abroad for IVF in 2 months. I know this is terrible but I’m genuinely scared that if I end it, I’m also ending any chance of being a mother. There’s no way I could go it alone (say, with a sperm donor) as I don’t have any support.

I am so torn about what do do, and so hurt. I feel like whichever way I turn, I’ll be unhappy.

OP posts:
Jellybeansincognito · 12/08/2019 09:59

Your last paragraph about it being the last opportunity for you to be a mum, please sort your issues before bringing a child into this. You can’t even trust him to not steal your money, image having to trust his parenting.

ghostofharrenhal · 12/08/2019 10:00

OP, get out of this marriage. He is 44, he won't change. I know nothing about divorce, but maybe it will be easier to divorce after only having been married a few months than it will be a few years down the linewhen you might have accumulated more assets that would need to be divided and there are children involved (please don't bring children into this mess, it would be so irresponsible).

happyjack12 · 12/08/2019 10:02

  • check your OWN credit file, if he has learnt to forge your signature, there could be other things he has forged your name on.

  • Is the house in both your names? f so, you cannot legally change the locks against him

  • he is not being a responsible father/ role model to the child he already has, no hope for any others he has..

Jaxhog · 12/08/2019 10:05

I'm frankly astonished by anyone who says this is ok. It's one thing to share your worldly goods, but you don't forge your wife's signature to get them!

He's broken your trust - bigtime. It may not be a large sum this time, but next time it could be. Personally, this would a deal-breaker for me. He clearly doesn't have any respect for you. I would leave him in the hotel and start divorce proceedings. If he's worried about his reputation, he should have thought of that before stealing.

If you're still worried about becoming a mother, go it alone. At least you'll have your self-respect. Staying married to a thief you won't, and you'll be broke too.

AnnonniMoose · 12/08/2019 10:06

I can only agree with the others OP. If I knew then what I know now I would've had a sperm donor instead of having DC with my ex. Now I have the arsehole in my life for the rest of my life. And I still ended up being a single parent to twins and getting very little if any support from him. Don't put yourself in that position, please.

Oh, and btw - I had my twins at 38, so there is still time for you. Women have children in their 40s.

candycane222 · 12/08/2019 10:06

The fact he has been practising your signature means that he has been working hard at deceiving you and stealing from your business. As I said upthread, this is what criminals do. He is a crook. He thinks like one, he plans like one, he acts like one.

Many crooks probably have 'problems' and 'underlying issues'. It does not mean they have a right to become fathers with the victims of their crimes.

candycane222 · 12/08/2019 10:09

If you stay with him, you'll definitely be unhappy. If you leave, you will be sad, you might have to live with infertility (a lot of people do, and IVF is not a guarantee of success) or you might even find happiness with or without children.

If you stay, you are closing off that option.

ghostofharrenhal · 12/08/2019 10:10

You already legally own half of his debt because you married the idiot!

This is rubbish. The OP would only be responsible for debts that are in joint names.

Fonduefrolics · 12/08/2019 10:15

my guess is a few posters have never had a financially incompetent partner. No matter how much you love them or are willing to forgive them for their financial wrongdoing, there comes a point where one half spouse is doing all the giving and the other all the taking. Yes, you could sit down with a budget, yes you could take control of the finances but why the hell should you? It’s soul destroying. The relief I felt when I realised I no longer had to worry about my husband’s debt was enormous (he still hasn’t sorted it).

However I speak with the privilege of having had children and I can’t imagine your anguish OP with the TTC position. It’s so easy to say LTB when that isn’t an issue. It’s a terrible position to be in. I’d say take the the practical advice offered (such as securing the joint account, land registry, check your credit rating) and then give yourself some time to make any long term decisions.

TanMateix · 12/08/2019 10:18

Nope, marriage assets and debts belong to both parties.

You may however convince the court to pay less or more of the debt according to the circumstances of the case, and this will come at a cost in legal fees, but the departing point is that assets and debts belong to both the husband or the wife regardless of who incurred on them.

TanMateix · 12/08/2019 10:18

The husband AND the wife, mean to say.

LadyRannaldini · 12/08/2019 10:19

I thought that the MN rule was that money within a marriage is joint, even if the accounts are seperate. When a man is accused of having seperate money she's entitled to half apparently!

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 12/08/2019 10:20

I agree with the poster above who said that £100 is a drop in the ocean of his monetary needs and is therefore probably a test to see if he can get away with regular, larger amounts. If you check there are probably a few other small amounts taken from other places.

He is not just 'bad with money', he absolutely does know where this money is going but he won't tell you because whatever it is it's a compulsion. He's 44, if he wanted to address his problem he would have by now. He doesn't want to fix things, he just wants you to help fund whatever his addiction is (fingers crossed that it's not something that might affect your health directly like, using prostitutes).

When he says that he didn't think that you would mind, he's really either saying that he didn't think that you would notice or that he didn't think that you would take any action beyond being a bit cross like last time. He genuinely doesn't care whether you 'mind' or not.

He wants you to get pregnant because then you are more stuck with him and he will be better able to sponge off you.

HappyParent2000 · 12/08/2019 10:21

My partner has a terrible addiction to buying gems etc to games on their tablet.

We had a pretty serious conversation about it and it has slowed down at least.

Fonduefrolics · 12/08/2019 10:22

Nope, personal debt belongs to the individual. You are not responsible for your spouses personal debt. But they can take every penny from a joint account and you are jointly liable for any overdraft. But when one person won’t pay guess which muggins has to pay it?

Rachelover40 · 12/08/2019 10:23

I do feel for you, Damsel77. It's such a breach of trust. If you stay together lay it on the line it's his last chance and hide your cheque book and money.

TanMateix · 12/08/2019 10:23

I thought that the MN rule was that money within a marriage is joint, even if the accounts are seperate. When a man is accused of having seperate money she's entitled to half apparently

And he is also entitled to hers. Courts do not discriminate on the basis of gender. They, however, try to set both parties in an equal footing when separating the assets so the one who has the less (normally the wife) has a claim over the assets of the one who has more (in this case, most possibly the OP)

Evenkeel · 12/08/2019 10:23

OP this is a massive amount for you to process but a few PPs stand out for their very wise advice. To paraphrase them:

  • it seems likely that he’s done something similar to his family/parents, hence his desperation that you shouldn’t tell them what he’s done.
  • the relatively small withdrawal from your business a/c seems suspiciously like a ‘test’ amount and could be the prelude to a much bigger grab of funds.

I have a business account and the idea that my DH would even think of accessing, or know how to access it, let alone be devious enough to forge my signature to withdraw funds (ie commit a crime), makes my blood run cold.

Seriously, this is all kinds of wrong. Something very major is up with your H, which he’s very anxious to keep from you, and personally I couldn’t see any way back from this. I’m sorry.

IdblowJonSnow · 12/08/2019 10:25

Op, please wake up. He thinks you're over reacting but doesn't want anyone else to know?! Furious that you've told your parents?
This is going to get worse and worse. I can't believe he stole from your business account? I'd check all your finances very carefully and get your details changed.
And then dump him.
And you can have a child without him. It can be done.

Rainbowhairdontcare · 12/08/2019 10:26

My DH did something similar. I've forgiven him but keep a close eye on all finances. He hasn't don't it again since and has been very respectful of my CC ever since.

However I think I would only let this happen once.

Thornhill58 · 12/08/2019 10:28

Unfortunately you want to be a mother more than you want to accept he is a liar and a thief. He is 44 years old and broke.
My bet is that you are going to forgive him, try for a baby. Then you'll get rid of him because you can't trust him.
Unless he hands over all his pay check to you you'll never know where the money goes. He most likely isn't paying his debts either.
Very difficult the question is what's more important your chance to be a mother or living with somebody that will let you down specially when a baby is a money pit. Would he be responsible with the baby? Can you afford a baby on your own? There is a much bigger question here.

glitterfarts · 12/08/2019 10:28

Agree with all PP who are saying:

  1. Tell his parents and say you've kicked him out for stealing from you for the second time, forging your signature. And you're telling as he'll need to stay there with step daughter.
  1. Run a credit check to see what debt he has.
  1. Speak to a lawyer and see if you can get such a short marriage annulled for fraud or something similar because he looks to have married you in order to steal off you.
  1. Use a sperm donor. Seriously. You don't need much support for 1 baby, and you can get support from paid sources and mothers groups, health visitors, midwives, GP, nursery etc . Don't tie yourself further to him.
Whosorrynow · 12/08/2019 10:28

He just sounds like a con man not a particularly clever one, this is the honeymoon phase of your relationship, this is him on his good behaviour 🙁

TheInebriati · 12/08/2019 10:30

I agree he's a con man, and I think the test was actually before the wedding to see if he could get away with it.

I know this must be hurtful and hard to process, but I don't think he sees you as anything else than a mark. Please protect your assets straight away, and consider reporting the theft from your business to protect yourself.

GreenTulips · 12/08/2019 10:30

If it’s a joint account you could see where the money goes surely?
Also he said he won’t have cash for the bills - again these should already be in your account?

You need to separate finances and keep your cheques and PIN numbers separately.

One bank account for bills - the rest in different accounts

He must have known you’d find out surely?