OLD asking their salary?

[DoYouNeedAWee]

I'm expecting to get flamed for this, and I know it's shallow.

I've been OLD for over 2 years now with not much luck but I want to meet someone who is financially secure and can support a family.
I have one ds and would love a big family and I don't want to struggle financially like I am at the moment but I don't know how to ask a potential date how much they earn apart from asking their job and googling the salary for that role.

I'm not even looking for someone mega rich, I just don't want to struggle and have to count every penny like I do now.

Would be be extremely rude and golddigger-ish to ask outright? It would save wasting each other's time if they're on a low income but I just can't bring myself to ask incase they react badly. Is there any way to word the question nicely?

Anyone else OLD bothered about a new partners income and ability to financially support a family? Or does it not bother you? Of course personality and someone who'll be my best friend is the most important thing.

sorry - am I being thick? I don't follow... Taxpayers are required to pay in to the common pot or face the penalty of the law?

You are drunk aren't you? How can you not be aware anyone earning is legally obliged to pay tax? How can you not understand that?

OP I doubt high earners would be attracted to you somehow. It generally takes a lot of hard work to get a good well paid job and a certain type of driven person. To then meet a single parent on benefits with excuses of why they couldn't possibly work and wanting to breed lots and expect the partner to pay..wow.. I'd say most people, high or low earners would run a mile and rightly so. Get education, get a job, focus on the child you have and you're probably more likely to meet someone that meets your criteria.
I was a single mum to a 2 year old at one point, at uni full time getting a degree, working and volunteering in 2 places!!! If you can't afford to have more children then don't!!

Most single mothers have either been abandoned by the feckless man-child who fathered their child, or they have fled an abusive relationship

Source please, @Rocaille?

She would be told to run a mile.

True.

There's absolutely no way I'd be interested in supporting or caring for someone else's kids, and I'm quite suspicious of the motivations of anyone who says they'd be keen to do this.

Do your own homework, Dad, if you're really that interested in the issue (which I doubt). I'm not your secretary.

I just want to respond to the comment/idea that wealthy men can have any woman they want.... heck no. Not this one. As a beautiful person in my youth, with a top university education, I met my fair share of losers who thought that inviting me for dinner meant that they had rights on me. Or twats who attempted to impress me by listing their assets! Because of my family business I grew up in close contact with extreme wealth and I really did not like what I saw. The rock chic attire I wore in my 20s was a way to discourage that kind of male attention. Not playing the game. Even in that unconventional female costume some still wanted to "purchase" me.

Sometimes when we have a leak in the kitchen that we repair with cotton buds, plasters and magic spells, waiting for pay day, I wish I would have capitalised more on my looking like a 1990s Kardashian. Why didn't I marry rich so I could have played champagne socialist from the comfort of my Beverly Hills mansion?

But then I think of the old, wealthy man who employed me as a translator on a business trip to Eastern Europe. I left home with a new silk scarf, my first work black trouser suit, and feeling successful and clever. I was soon to be humiliated as it transpired, hand on my knee and expensive aftershave burning the back of my throat, that he did not want a translator but a good looking girlfriend. His intentions were honourable, he said. 35 years difference isn't that much, he said. I had taken pride in my ability to speak three languages, in my good grades and my organisational skills and was there because of my smile and shiny hair. (He meant my bottom, of course). It is a long, boring week when the only word you say in 3 languages is NO.

Money, sadly, is power in the capitalist world op. Not always but if you start a relationship having less money from the outset you risk of being bought. My choice was to go in a socially relevant, creative and intellectually stimulating but lowly paid and highly competitive job and pair up with somebody who is my equal. We haven't got a lot of money. And I totally understand you not wanting to be exploited and have a good life for you and your kid. I am a mum too now. I hear you. And I am also aware that in this society is so difficult for women. But don't give up on yourself. You can do it, go somewhere on your own merit. Find your confidence, your brave. Hopefully this government will not last forever and there will be more funds invested in people like you who still have much to give but are not helped to do anything more than surviving at the moment. I believe in you, op!

There's absolutely no way I'd be interested in supporting or caring for someone else's kids,

That's the thing. Neither would OP.

She has said on another thread, someone with kids is a big no.

I mean I wouldn't want to blend 2 sets of kids. Seems very complicated. However, I also dont expect anyone to take on my child.

I was lucky, dp had a step son who he has brought up from young. Dp is his dad. No question. He is 20 now. And welcome in my home anytime. He has stayed with me for long periods as dps house is a 2 bed with a very small second bedroom and I had a good size spare. My ds adores him dss. But I didnt expect dp to take on my child and be father while I ignored his son.

Or say to someone 'yeah, your kids are too much. I am looking for someone who will just concentrate on my son and pay for him'

Yes, precisely Bluntness. Which is why I'd be reluctant to go on to benefits unless it really was a question of keeping body & soul together. Taypayers are compelled to pay up, and many will be on desperately low incomes themselves.

I haven’t read past the first page of the thread but I have to say, I find ‘dating for salary’ really, really unsavoury.

Yeah - there's the issue @Rocaille. You're making 'facts' up to make it the fault of men that the OP feels the need to find someone to live off.

It's her life. It's her child. It's her responsibility to fund her own life.

Yes, the Dad has a responsibility to pay for his child, too. We have no idea here whether or not he is doing so, because the OP hasn't said. If he isn't, then he should be.

Either way, having a child requires two people. Both parents are responsible for raiskng the child, and contributing to the costs. The OP seems to have opted out of that - right now, she's living off benefits. Her clearly stated goal is to find a man to live off.

All the rest of us are advocating is that she becomes an actual adult, takes some responsibility for her own life, and works to better her own life.

Lovely words of encouragement, RadFem. Sorry for that horrible experience you had.

I think you need to get some self respect - why would you set out to find someone with money. You need to support yourself. And without being harsh I doubt anyone is going to be attracted to you if you ask their salary (apart from those maybe that are abusive... ). You're really going to put people off and if you're not bringing anything to then table why should they provide for you and your kid...

OP, if you have to count every penny, how can you even afford to date? I know I couldn't for the period I was on benefits. Or do the dates always pay? Because surely the type of man you're looking for won't constantly settle for walks in the park and coffee dates.

Plenty of women in your religion have good jobs and earn well. Dont pretend its somehow a religious duty for you to stay at home - its a choice you want to make.

Thank you Rocaille! What I see in the op is the loss of hope and lack of confidence that translates into a wish for somebody to take care of her. I have huge sympathies because it's tough out there and not everyone has the means (intellectual and motivation not just financial) to go to university.

I found this thread pretty funny.

It's offensive to ask for salary but ok to send nude pics to people not met yet in real life!

OP I think I get what you are saying. I don't think you're looking for the super wealthy or royalty types.

cocklodgers certainly manage to find women to fund their lifestyles!

You didn't say how old your DC is or what happened to the DF but now is a really good time to go back to school and retrain for something new, that pays well. Accountancy?

You'll have the benefit of having your own career and money plus more likely to meet other uni educated men.

To avoid lodgers, you have to take things slow and investigate them some. Make sure they don't have vices. Live with their mum. Have had 10 jobs in 5 years. Their actions match their words. The company they keep etc. I think it is perfectly reasonable to find someone who works hard and makes above min wage.

I met my DH online some years ago, and while I don't think you can ask someone's salary, there's nothing wrong with wanting to know they are solvent

The OP seems to have opted out of that - right now, she's living off benefits.

I have never met a single solitary person that has opted to be single and living on benefits, not a single one.
I've met many who are single and on benefits through situations not entirely of their own making and a great many suffering and dealing with the choices of others.

From mums fleeing abuse, to dads dealing with loss and grief and just trying to hold things together and put food on the table.

I know it's a popular media portrayal, single.mum choosing a life of benefits, but it just doesn't fit the reality of my life or the life of anyone I've ever met.

I think when you are struggling on benefits as a single parent it’s normal to wish for something better and easier. I’ve done it when I had to stop work (DS is autistic and needed me at home ) and living on benefits is no picnic. Even when you get the top up for disability,

OP I think you need to look at what’s happening in your life and make plans to retrain.

If you look at sites like The Skills Network there are courses you can do now and they won’t cost you anything. And when you come to a point of returning to work the fact you’ve taken time to do these courses will look very good.

Honestly don’t ask about salaries. If you are lucky enough to meet a decent man then the combined income of you both will always make life a bit easier.

Agreed, RadFem.

My experience of motherhood, (while vastly more comfortable & privileged than OP's,) is of being irreconcilably divided between the need to care for my child and the need to be materially independent. I've found it impossible to square the circle. I don't envy OP's dilemma.

Whilst some of the posters on this thread have been helpful, many have been spiteful. Life is so hard: let's build each other up, instead of tearing each other down!

Plenty of women in your religion have good jobs and earn well

Do we know what OP's religion is?

Cripes, no.

I don’t imagine op’s religion precludes women working since she clearly has done.

Prioritise money in a partner at your peril. There are other qualities far more important. A good man on a low salary will be worth his weight in gold.

Jeez... that is so grabby .. what do you have to offer a well off man 🙄