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Original poster

OLD asking their salary?

287 replies

DoYouNeedAWee · 10/08/2019 20:09

I'm expecting to get flamed for this, and I know it's shallow.

I've been OLD for over 2 years now with not much luck but I want to meet someone who is financially secure and can support a family.
I have one ds and would love a big family and I don't want to struggle financially like I am at the moment but I don't know how to ask a potential date how much they earn apart from asking their job and googling the salary for that role.

I'm not even looking for someone mega rich, I just don't want to struggle and have to count every penny like I do now.

Would be be extremely rude and golddigger-ish to ask outright? It would save wasting each other's time if they're on a low income but I just can't bring myself to ask incase they react badly. Is there any way to word the question nicely?

Anyone else OLD bothered about a new partners income and ability to financially support a family? Or does it not bother you? Of course personality and someone who'll be my best friend is the most important thing.

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 11/08/2019 09:44

@ZenNudist are you saying that men with reasonable earning potential are only interested in looks and sex? That seems almost as warped as the OP's view.

Nautiloid · 11/08/2019 09:45

Reminds me of the old days of personal ads. 'Retorwd gentleman, early 70s, solvent'.

PepsiLola · 11/08/2019 09:45

Maybe start your OLD journey on one of those sugar daddy websites....

Or retrain, get a decent job, and support your own family 🤷🏼‍♀️

Nautiloid · 11/08/2019 09:46

Retired ffs

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 11/08/2019 09:46

Earn your own damn money.

Or at least be transparent, and set an hourly rate.

Shoxfordian · 11/08/2019 09:56

Its 2019
Get a job and make your own money instead of hoping for a man to pay for you

Rocaille · 11/08/2019 10:03

Earn your own damn money.

Or at least be transparent, and set an hourly rate

So much hatred for OP, who is simply doing her best to care for her DS. I'm guessing she's been badly let down by some piece of shit ex, but there's no judgement on this thread for the men who produce children and then abandon them to be raised in poverty.

buttonmoonb4tea · 11/08/2019 10:09

I can't actually believe the OP has actually started this thread with the hope of her point being understood.

OP I'm a single parent and have always worked. I could have had the same thoughts as you and decided not to work as it wasn't worth it with childcare costs but apart from needing to keep a roof over our heads I also didn't want to de-skill, wanted to afford some treats if possible and also contribute to my pension so that I have something to live on in old age.

I'm shocked that you really expect some bloke to look after you and your DC financially at the outset but I'm equally as shocked at your incredible short sightedness of your own financial stability, with or without a man.

You're doing no favours to your DC with this mindset and lack of gumption to see that making plans for your own earning potential now will have a positive impact on your DC.

You're foolish quite honestly.

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 11/08/2019 10:09

@Rocaille no, she isn't doing her best to care for her son. That would entail getting off her behind, and actually working. She's doing her best to have someone else care for her child.

It's 2019. Women are allowed to work, and everything. It's amazing!

I've encountered women like the OP on OLD. Some are very direct - I was actually asked my salary as an opener once! Others think they're more subtle with the questions they ask....but you can see them all coming a mile off. And they're a straight nope. No way. Never. Not a chance. They offer nothing, and demand everything.

And yes, I judge the men who abandon their kids too. But this thread isn't about them. Men are not a meal ticket. If the OP wants a better life, she needs to earn it - same as everyone else.

User2000019 · 11/08/2019 10:11

OP I would try and get a job and do something you enjoy. But I get it about the money. Just don’t ask outright. You’ll have to put more time in to find out, that’s all. I think if you fall for someone though, you’ll suddenly not mind what they earn. Is it more about feeling cared for and like you won’t be let down?

namby · 11/08/2019 10:12

Thing is, you'll be a financial burden to who you find whatever their wage, being out of work or a minimum wage earner with a child, so you simply can't expect to insist on someone "financially secure" when you're not in that position yourself. It's like an average looking guy asking for models only. Look for love, and be in charge of your own finances, I know it isn't easy but it's a risky situation to put yourself financially dependent on someone.

Scott72 · 11/08/2019 10:13

No man wants to be thought of purely as a meal ticket either. If that's her intention, she needs to be a lot more subtle about it.

Bouledeneige · 11/08/2019 10:14

Yup I'd flame you for that question. Are you prepared for the answer to be asked back and the guy reject you on the same grounds? That you are a sponger living off benefits?

Why do women expect to be supported by men when they haven't got the same drive and ambition themselves?

fedup21 · 11/08/2019 10:14

It's like an average looking guy asking for models only.

This!

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 11/08/2019 10:16

Totally agree with some of the previous posters - you are just looking for a meal ticket by the sounds of it. Most men would run a mile from this if they knew what the woman was after.

Rocaille · 11/08/2019 10:16

That would entail getting off her behind, and actually working

Caring for children is work, albeit unpaid and despised.

Mummyshark2018 · 11/08/2019 10:19

Op I recommend you spend your time and energy retraining/ studying/ getting a job instead of OLD. You are right about childcare costs being extortionate but if you've been OLD for 2 years and assuming you didn't start right after giving birth your dc must be nearly 3? You would qualify for 30 hrs childcare which would surely help. I am not a particularly high earner but I've worked/ studied hard and would never knowingly date a man (especially one with a child which complicates things) with such little drive and personal ambition. Even if they were loaded due to inheriting money but did nothing I still wouldn't go near them!

Jsmith99 · 11/08/2019 10:21

If I were a man, I would regard being asked about my salary on a date as a massive red flag. I would think the woman was looking for a meal ticket, and I would think she had some very outdated sexist attitudes to gender roles.

I would run a mile.

loveyoutothemoon · 11/08/2019 10:26

Yes it's rude and gold diggerish, money isn't everything and I think a bit of independence to support your family is better.

But on Match.com a lot of men reveal their salaries as they put it on their criteria, you select which one from a list.

funnylittlefloozie · 11/08/2019 10:29

Ive known people involved in these patriarchal denominations, and there always seems to be a desire to 'matchmake' singletons - OP, isnt there a spare man at your church / synagogue / mosque /temple / coven that you could hitch up with?

fedup21 · 11/08/2019 10:32

I agree with the PP saying that I can’t imagine anyone with a decent career and healthy bank balance would find someone with a child and no personal drive or ambition (other than marrying ‘up’) particularly attractive.

Start retraining and support yourself.

Rocaille · 11/08/2019 10:33

Most single mothers have either been abandoned by the feckless man-child who fathered their child, or they have fled an abusive relationship. Very few women volunteer to become single mums and receive the sneering contempt that has been evident on this thread.

Once in that desperate situation, it may be preferable to pair up with a man who loves you and happily chooses to provide for a family, rather than to rely on the largesse of the taxpayer.

Saying get a job is all very well, but it's highly unlikely, (impossible) that a paid childcare worker will be able to provide the love, care and tenderness that OP will during her son's vital early years. OP's life will be long, there will be plenty of time for her to work when her son is older and doesn't need her. Surely a child is worth a few years of undivided love, time and attention?

Obviously, none of these choices are easy, and they all come with sacrifices - but such is the lot of a mother.

YouJustDoYou · 11/08/2019 10:39

If you're not a model, they can get any woman they want with those salaries so why would they chose a single mum? Harsh but true.

My mum always chose well-salaried men over actual affection - we grew to utterly resent her for it. Earn you're own money. It's only a few years until your LO can go into full time education and you can really dedicate yourself to earning your own money, supporting yourself. Have some pride.

namby · 11/08/2019 10:39

@Rocaille so the answer to a vulnerable situation is to go straight into another vulnerable situation being completely reliant on a man? Your ignorance in and disdain for childcare and lackadaisical attitude to financial security is in polar opposite to my priorities.

fedup21 · 11/08/2019 10:40

OP's life will be long, there will be plenty of time for her to work when her son is older and doesn't need her. Surely a child is worth a few years of undivided love, time and attention?

Bit OP wants a big family, she doesn’t want to go back to work as soon as her son is a bit older.

I have one ds and would love a big family and I don't want to struggle financially

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