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Original poster

OLD asking their salary?

287 replies

DoYouNeedAWee · 10/08/2019 20:09

I'm expecting to get flamed for this, and I know it's shallow.

I've been OLD for over 2 years now with not much luck but I want to meet someone who is financially secure and can support a family.
I have one ds and would love a big family and I don't want to struggle financially like I am at the moment but I don't know how to ask a potential date how much they earn apart from asking their job and googling the salary for that role.

I'm not even looking for someone mega rich, I just don't want to struggle and have to count every penny like I do now.

Would be be extremely rude and golddigger-ish to ask outright? It would save wasting each other's time if they're on a low income but I just can't bring myself to ask incase they react badly. Is there any way to word the question nicely?

Anyone else OLD bothered about a new partners income and ability to financially support a family? Or does it not bother you? Of course personality and someone who'll be my best friend is the most important thing.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 11/08/2019 12:47

The op is a Muslim revert. And yes plenty of Muslim women work and provide for their families. I work with many of them as I work for a global company. So I've no clue what the op is on about.

Sandybval · 11/08/2019 12:56

Saying get a job is all very well, but it's highly unlikely, (impossible) that a paid childcare worker will be able to provide the love, care and tenderness that OP will during her son's vital early years. OP's life will be long, there will be plenty of time for her to work when her son is older and doesn't need her. Surely a child is worth a few years of undivided love, time and attention?

Confused
Kisskiss · 11/08/2019 12:56

I can’t think of anybody I know, male or female, who wouldn’t run a mile if a date asked how much they earn...defo don’t do it!!!!

On a side note, it’s a bit depressing that you feel the only way out of your economic situation is to find a man with money. Even if you found him, you’d be vulnerable financially and dependant on him forever. What is stopping you from believing you can change your own situation? I don’t think most people have life ‘easy’. Some. people get a couple of lucky breaks or are born in privileged situations but I know and see that a lot of people crawl through tough times to get what they have.

Can you retrain?

Wishihad · 11/08/2019 13:02

cocklodgers certainly manage to find women to fund their lifestyles!

Ah so cause some shitty men do it, women should expect the same. To a totally different man?

prawnsword · 11/08/2019 13:04

I just thought of you OP while I was at the servo getting petrol.

The bloke behind the counter looked alright & I thought how when I had s high flying career would never even consider the servo guy. But now these days am unemployed & broke so for sure would give the servo bloke a go Grin

As someone else said, this would be like an average guy turning down lovely ladies because he is waiting for Miranda Kerr to come along Wink

swingofthings · 11/08/2019 13:09

The problem is that you are far from ben the only one, men earning well are in high demand. The added complication is that if they are on serious relationship 2+ or divorced, they have learnt their lesson and will themselves be looking for a woman not relying on him to support her and her family.

Worse, they might go out with you, treat you great, you might along great and you start having hope he will commit but then he never does for 4hat reason and you are left feeling bitter that you've wasted time and finding yourself no closer to the lifestyle you crave.

batvixen123 · 11/08/2019 13:21

I mean, there probably are wealthy men willing to be the sole/primary wage earner in a relationship, and probably support their stepchild too, but I imagine they are expecting quite a lot in return (you know, if you were a model or something who's be a great trophy wife) or they fell for a single mother and decided they were willing to take on the kid too. It doesn't seem like a terribly enticing opening move - "looking for a meal ticket". You might be better off, if you're religious, going through a traditional matchmaker who could find you someone from a conservative background where that might be more normal.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 11/08/2019 13:51

Maybe you should date within your religion. Or do they frown upon single mothers?

Lobsterquadrille2 · 11/08/2019 14:22

I don't think that the OP is coming back. I've read this hoping it's not serious. I've been a completely sole parent since DD was born nearly 12 years ago. Sadly, having six weeks of maternity leave and working full time thereafter meant that I didn't even consider dating until she was at secondary school ....I'm amazed that the OP has the time and energy for it, yet unable to have a job of any sort.

My own DM was born in 1930 and only took minimal time off with each child. This view of the man being the main provider is horribly outdated and frankly gives the majority of single mothers a bad name.

Teddybear45 · 11/08/2019 14:25

There are classy ways to do this. Ask them what they do, where they work (company / location) in a general conversation - then research it using salary checker / job websites for a guideline. It won’t be 100% accurate but you do need to protect yourself.

Walkmehome · 11/08/2019 14:27

Good point about having the time to date. Op if you have been online dating for two years you must have some form of childcare. In that time you could be doing a course or something to enhance your skills and put on your cv, even if it was just once a week.

readitandwept · 11/08/2019 14:35

Protect herself from what?

I'm a single parent. I know what boundaries i need to protect myself from being taken advantage of and they don't involve researching salaries of potential dates.

MonkeyToesOfDoom · 11/08/2019 14:40

Teddybear45

There are classy ways to do this. Ask them what they do, where they work (company / location) in a general conversation - then research it using salary checker / job websites for a guideline. It won’t be 100% accurate but you do need to protect yourself.

That's not classy, that's low down gold digging scum bag stalker shit.
Imagine someone telling a man to do that? It wouldn't happen.

HeadintheiClouds · 11/08/2019 14:47

you do need to protect yourself Confused. Against what? People wanting to live off her high earnings while they stay home with the large family they want to have but not work to support?
I think you’ve got it the wrong way round, teddybear

WelcomeToShootingStars · 11/08/2019 14:47

So let's suppose everyone has the same sort of mindset as the OP, why would anyone want to give her a chance, given she doesn't work and is actively looking for other people's money to fund her lifestyle??

LaMainDeFatima · 11/08/2019 14:50

OP : if you are a revert to Islam, I think you need to some more independent research as you have been led down a path which has confused religion and culture. Read about Khadija the prophet's swt wife. Go to mosques in big cities . look on line : plenty of Muslim women are not relying on a man for money. If you are still reading this thread, good luck

ThatCurlyGirl · 11/08/2019 15:11

@WelcomeToShootingStars

So let's suppose everyone has the same sort of mindset as the OP, why would anyone want to give her a chance, given she doesn't work and is actively looking for other people's money to fund her lifestyle??

I think this is a really fair question, I feel sorry for the lovely and genuine blokes out there being left alone because dave from two doors down happens to earn £5k a year more.

Bluntness100 · 11/08/2019 15:11

It won’t be 100% accurate but you do need to protect yourself

What's she protecting her self against? A low wage earner? Seriously?

Bluntness100 · 11/08/2019 15:12

I think this is a really fair question, I feel sorry for the lovely and genuine blokes out there being left alone because dave from two doors down happens to earn £5k a year more

I think it's the opposite. You should feel sorry for Dave. With the likes of the op after him.

CanIhelpyouatall · 11/08/2019 15:14

I have plenty of devout Muslim friends who are working mothers in professional jobs.

There's nothing to stop men of dating sites lying about debt, few people will disclose huge debts to someone they've just met!

I have 2 low paid jobs, I met a Chemist through OLD, he doesn't mind that I'm not a professional. I'm not looking for him to support me, he's divorced with kids so doesn't have much spare cash anyway! A lot of men don't mind a woman in a low paid job. I did have messages from men much older who stated they own their own home or business so there are men out there that would take on someone who isn't in a well paid job.

I wasn't looking for a sugar daddy, I wouldn't pursue the ones who state they were self employed and looked 'affluent' as I would feel they are looking for someone more high flying than me.

For the posters who managed to study full time whilst a single parent, I'm not sure what help is available nowadays. I would love to retrain but I really don't think I could give up my jobs and expect financial support from the state.

Luxembourgmama · 11/08/2019 15:14

Don't ask but you can probably guess after a few dates if they rent or own their own place and from true job title. I don't think you're unreasonable

ThatCurlyGirl · 11/08/2019 15:16

@Bluntness100

You know what? I hadn't thought about it that way but you're absolutely right - pray for poor old Dave!

Tennesseewhiskey · 11/08/2019 15:50

Hang on a minute. My dp is actually Dave from 2 doors down Blush haven't the relationship lottery when he met me Hmm

Mind you I earn more than him and I didnt dump anyone for him.

And I am only joking about the relationship lottery, I am full aware I can be pita. Grin

Wishihad · 11/08/2019 15:51

he won not havent Blush

SummerSix · 11/08/2019 15:56

Earn your own wage and support your own fekin family. Dont expect someone to come along and do it all for you.

What example are you setting your child there??

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