OLD asking their salary?

[DoYouNeedAWee]

I'm expecting to get flamed for this, and I know it's shallow.

I've been OLD for over 2 years now with not much luck but I want to meet someone who is financially secure and can support a family.
I have one ds and would love a big family and I don't want to struggle financially like I am at the moment but I don't know how to ask a potential date how much they earn apart from asking their job and googling the salary for that role.

I'm not even looking for someone mega rich, I just don't want to struggle and have to count every penny like I do now.

Would be be extremely rude and golddigger-ish to ask outright? It would save wasting each other's time if they're on a low income but I just can't bring myself to ask incase they react badly. Is there any way to word the question nicely?

Anyone else OLD bothered about a new partners income and ability to financially support a family? Or does it not bother you? Of course personality and someone who'll be my best friend is the most important thing.

This thread is quite sad.

OP, I think you’re putting yourself and your baby in a dangerous position and opening yourself to potential abuse of your criteria for a man is so focused on his finances.

A single mum with a young child isn’t that attractive a proposition to a new partner, and you might find you’re attracting men that aren’t right for you or your child because you’re overlooking other issues to focus on their money.

Seriously, do yourself and your child a favour and start standing on your own two feet.
If my brother met a single mum who wasn’t working and had no intention of doing so because he was expected to support her, I’d be devastated.

Plus, I’m another one who’d love to know more about your religion where being a single mum in fine, as is gold digging, but it means men have to be the breadwinners.

I don’t think you’re going about this the correct way OP
Yes is nice to have financial security and for your kids to have things and not worry about money. But who is to say that a man with a decent job is any good with money..or wants to share with someone who doesn’t work or won’t work?

I understand that working whilst your child is small is difficult, however training to better yourself is a really good option so once he begins school you can apply for decent paid jobs to support you both and this will hopefully lead to you meeting someone who is your equal in every way.

I’m sure if the shoe was on the other foot you’d not be into a man who didn’t work or support his child or even attempt to better himself when he could?..and would you want to support them with your cash whilst you’re going out to work and they are at home doing nothing to help?...

I am a single parent of 4. Not by choice but I do have a degree and a professional career I work to support my family so my children have what they need and I don’t need to be supported by a man. My boyfriend actually earns less than me but is very good with his money saves, invests and has own house and car etc when we met I knew he worked for a bank but not what he did(or earned) Because to me, it really didn’t matter. It’s important to be self sufficient if you can. Please think more of yourself than you currently are, better yourself and you’ll gain confidence and become more attractive to people and your mindset will change. You’re also teaching your child a valuable lesson about supporting yourself and working for the things you have. Might not be easy but worth it in long run.

Plus, I’m another one who’d love to know more about your religion where being a single mum in fine, as is gold digging, but it means men have to be the breadwinners

Can you elaborate on this, OP?

namby, I agree any woman in OP's situation is extremely vulnerable (see my comments above re: predatory males).

But childcare is not an adequate substitute for a mother's care.

It's a desperately difficult situation that can have no ideal resolution. It's always going to be a case of weighing up trade offs.

I agree the chances of OP finding a decent man to fulfil the role she wants are pretty slim. And quizzing dates about salary is precisely the wrong way of going about it. A mix of part time work and childcare may turn out to be the least worse scenario for her. But I don't scorn her just for wanting to explore a traditional family set-up. If she can find the right man, it may well be the best outcome for her family.

The vitriol she has received on this thread is just horrible.

Once in that desperate situation, it may be preferable to pair up with a man who loves you and happily chooses to provide for a family, rather than to rely on the largesse of the taxpayer

But childcare is not an adequate substitute for a mother's care

Are you drunk? Actually off your tits? It's the only explanation for the stuff you're posting,

It's not a choice between the state and a man, she can educate herself and improve her prospects. And yes, childcare is an adequate substitute, in fact, often sadly it's better,

@Rocaille your posts are making me cringe. So what is your answer to the OP's situation, so according to you she mustn't work, so what should she be doing to improve her situation for her and her child?

I think as others have said, it would be better for you in the long run to work at finding a job/studying for a job that brings you enough income to not have to struggle. There is alot of funds out there to support adults back into education which you could be making full use of, rather than focusing all your efforts into finding a rich man to support you. Having your own money is much safer than relying on someone else's.

Another vote for get yourself educated and/or in work and reap what you sow!

Childcare costs is not a reason to place greater value on yourself. Although the take home will possibly be minimal, once you've worked your way up in a few years you'll have the connections to meet that man who ticks your boxes and whom you can have equal footing with. Otherwise, if this feels too much like hard work and you'd rather take the short cut to a reasonable lifestyle paid for by another, sugar daddy online dating may be just the ticket if you're good looking, young and likely to have other contributions to a relationship!!!

Finding the right man may be the best outcome for her family...

It’s so impossible to take you seriously, Rocaille, I actually suspect you’re on the (very subtle) windup.

I agree with the majority tbh, it's not nice to choose men based on their salary just because you're counting pennies.

If you've only got experience in care have you considered doing agency work? My agency pays £11-14 per hour and I choose my shifts to work around childcare.
I suppose how many shifts you're offered depends on your location, but there's nothing to stop people from signing up for multiple agencies.

My answer? I'm really not in a position to say as I don't know her or her child, or their particular dispositions and needs.

Were it me, I'd want to get off benefits as quickly as possible as the state compelling strangers to support my lifestyle is not something I'd be comfortable with in any other than the direst circumstances. Assuming my child could cope with a childcare setting, I'd make the most of free nursery places and seek out what volunteering/affordable training opportunities I could find and try to develop a CV with a view to looking for part time/flexible work. Maybe university, finances permitting. There's absolutely no way I'd be looking for a new man as I've heard far too many stories of incest in step-families in the course of the work I've done.

None of that's what I would consider ideal, but women have to muddle through these situations, sadly.

Finding the right man may be the best outcome for her family...
It’s so impossible to take you seriously, Rocaille, I actually suspect you’re on the (very subtle) windup

Yes, it wouldn't be my preferred approach but people aren't all the same!

I’m just sitting here to read the responses. This has got to be a joke, right?!

Personally I don't care how much a potential date earns. I don't earn much myself but I'm independent.

You would be able to get an idea of what they earn by asking what they do for a living.

@Rocaille so you contradict everything you've said previously and actually agree with the majority of posters saying she needs to stand on her own two feet? Right 😐

OP get yourself a job. Not just to improve your own financial situation but to make yourself more desirable on OLD to men who may not want to date an unemployed single mum looking for a sugar daddy and a large family.

If m going to assume that you don't have something to offer like being pretty as a model.

You need to work on yourself so men with more money find you attractive. A single mum on minimum wage can attract certain types which is not a good thing.

Asking about wages is short sighted. People with high wages may have lots of debt where as someone on a low wage might not have housing costs because they live in an inherited house so have a better quality of life than the higher earner. A guy who splashes their cash on dates may not have savings etc

The state doesn’t compell strangers to support your lifestyle, it just refuses to do it for someone disinclined to do it for themselves.
Your viewpoint is quite strange, Rocaille?

Asking about wages is short sighted

Agreed. I've been involved with two men who earned six figures ++ and both were stingy as fuck and had dark triad qualities. Definitely not relationship material.

Asking about wages is short sighted. People with high wages may have lots of debt

OP has already specified that she wants someone financially secure who has no debt...

I am a single parent.

Also left in the shit by an abusive husband who went self employed to avoid paying CMS.

I also have a career. It's great. Because my wealth, or lack of is on me.

OP would just be remaining in a very poor situation. Reliant on a mans money. If that man up and leaves. Then she will be on the shit with quite a few kids.

I also AS op to see if this is a theme for her. It appears she has strict criteria of who she would date. Including, no men with children.

If you dont have much to offer economically, you need something else to offer. It's really that simple.

Who would advise a women with a good career, good earning potential to date a single dad who doesnt work.

OP could study, plenty of us did with small children. It may not be the ops fault that she is a single parent. But it is her responsibility, to do what she needs to to give her child the life she wants.

Someone who is studying to better themseleves is a better prospect. Saying 'I want someone to provide my lifestyle and they must also be xyz, but I wont put any effort in to also provide the level of lifestyle I want' is unattractive. Wether it's a man or a woman.

A single mum on minimum wage can attract certain types which is not a good thing.Asking about wages is short sighted

Oh no, that's why she's wants to ask about debt too. And she's not on min wage. She's on benefits.

Hi, I'm OP.

Hi OP good to chat to you

Please could you send over all your details so I can run you through experian before you take this any further?

Not exactly the stuff dreams are made of eh?!

HeadintheiClouds, sorry - am I being thick? I don't follow... Taxpayers are required to pay in to the common pot or face the penalty of the law?

Imagine a post here from a women.

'Met a lovely man OLD. On our third date he has enquired about my debt levels and earning potential as well as my pension. He says its important to him because he would like a big family and be the sahp. He has one child, a toddler, and isnt working. He will return to minimum wage job when the child starts school if he must. My concern is that he doesnt really seem to want to improve his situation, but is hoping to settle down with a solvent woman to provide this. What should I do?'

People would be asking if he is exceptionally handsome, got a cock made of gold and exactly what he has to offer the OP.

She would be told to run a mile.