OLD asking their salary?

[DoYouNeedAWee]

I'm expecting to get flamed for this, and I know it's shallow.

I've been OLD for over 2 years now with not much luck but I want to meet someone who is financially secure and can support a family.
I have one ds and would love a big family and I don't want to struggle financially like I am at the moment but I don't know how to ask a potential date how much they earn apart from asking their job and googling the salary for that role.

I'm not even looking for someone mega rich, I just don't want to struggle and have to count every penny like I do now.

Would be be extremely rude and golddigger-ish to ask outright? It would save wasting each other's time if they're on a low income but I just can't bring myself to ask incase they react badly. Is there any way to word the question nicely?

Anyone else OLD bothered about a new partners income and ability to financially support a family? Or does it not bother you? Of course personality and someone who'll be my best friend is the most important thing.

Once DS is in full time education I'm definitely not against working or contributing financially.

As opposed to being keen to get back into work to make your own money and support your own child? Lazy.

What are you doing while you arent inbwork to improve your earning prospects?

I know you have a child. But there options available.

Sorry you've had so many horrible replies, OP. I don't think there's anything intrinsically wrong with the lifestyle you're aspiring to. Your dream is to be a SAHM to a large family, and that would inevitably require a work outside the home parent who can earn at a certain level. I really can't understand why some posters are claiming that's tantamount to prostitution.

Being a sahm isnt prositisution, imo.

But in this day and age, just sitting around complaining about tour lifestyle, waiting for a decent earning partner to pay for the life you want, isnt acceptable.

Women can go out and earn. single parents can improve their prospects

Divorce doesnt always mean a comfortable lifestyle. Spousal maintenance, is rare and child patience isnt great.

No one can rely on one person to finance them permanently.

Something about someone saying 'I don't like my lifestyle, but wont do anything to improve it and will just wait for a man to do it for me' doesnt sit right and is extremely naive. It's also a recipe for disaster.

It's also a recipe for disaster.

I agree that the SAHM lifestyle can often leave women dangerously exposed. Choosing the right man is vital. I'd be much more interested in the content of his character than the content of his wallet, tbh.

But you don't start out as a SAHM before you meet your OH. There's usually some parity of education or career to start with, and then as a team decide to split the earning: staying at home with the family down the line.

There's usually some parity of education or career to start with

Usually, but not necessarily. A lot of men don't really care that much about what kind of career their woman has/how much she earns. If she is slim, pretty, cheerful and likes sex they consider themselves to be extremely lucky.

However, if I were the OP, I'd definitely be on the alert for predatory, controlling men, white knights, paedophiles etc who (rightly or wrongly) often see single SAHMs as easy prey.

It's perfectly possible to improve your prospects as a single parent.
Many years ago I was a single parent on benefits.
I wanted to give my child and I a good life so when she was 12 months old i started a degree. By the time she was 4 i had graduated. My first job had a salary of £35,000 (25 years ago) and went up and up from there.
I did that all on my own.
There's no way I would rely on a man for money - I'm not that stupid!! :) It's something my mother taught me from being very young.
She wasn't wrong.
And I can assure you that the quality of men i attracted rose dramatically once i had gained my own financial independence!

If you want a man who earns well to commit to you then you need to either earn well yourself or gave some major redeeming features. I would take the opportunity to retrain while you are out of work.

@Rocaille that’s not really relevant to OP though is it. Those kinds of men don’t want women who already have children (they also tend to be quite insecure which is just unpleasant).

Very few men, of any background, want to raise another man's child.

If there is great love for the woman, perhaps the aversion can be overcome. The kind of men who immediately volunteer themselves for the role of surrogate dad are likely to be predators, in my view.

I would disagree that there aren't many men who want to raise another man's child. I think the quality of the woman - which remember is up to ourselves as women to create our own high value - would outweigh any concerns a lot of men might have about that.

I think most men would actually be thinking about what happens if they divorce.

Spousal support? Paying towards a house until kids are older, would they be able to afford their own place as well, mother never having had a career and then a sahm?

That will impact finances of divorce. If you are in love those things dont seem a big problem. But when you re just dating before those feelings come, it will be something that puts people off.

Salary is not necessarily a good indicator of lifestyle. You could find someone who earns £50k + who is in massive debt as they have lived beyond their means or someone who is on a lower wage who has saved or inherited money. It’s not a good basis anyway for deciding on whether to have a relationship with someone...it’s shallow and I for one wouldn’t like to be judged on this basis.

"But when you re just dating before those feelings come, it will be something that puts people off."

Asking at the start of a relationship what the other person can do for you disrupts the idea of "true love" that relationships are supposed to be based on in Western society. Its offputting. It would be like a man asking a woman on the first date if she's had her fertility checked.

you sound exactly like my ex. single mum, skint, fleeced me, and still has a lot of my stuff. Psycho!

I work in a bank so I see lots of different balances. The guys with the most money are either tight, jerks, or both. The best ones are either married or not looking to settle down, so good luck!

It is very sensible to want a financially secure partner to raise children with. Being broke and parenting is a pretty miserable existence.
So make yourself an attractive prospect. Go and train for something practical and employable with secure job prospects. Think a bit critically about your ‘religion’, it seems you didn’t have any career aspirations and expected to be looked after by a man. This can work out well for some women but in the event that your partner dies, leaves you, treats you poorly etc it can leave you and your children very vulnerable just like you are now.

Is sugarbaby what we are calling prostitutes nowadays?

Some countries talk more openly about salaries

Some people think it's rude to talk about money

Perhaps, the Op needs to rephrase her request for a dream date
Eg
I have one child, but I would like to create a loving home & build a large family with a like minded person.
Perhaps add pets, holidays, hobbies etc

On reflection I understand her wishes, it was just phrased badly

A sugarbaby is like a high class prostitute who provides both sex and a sort of de-facto girlfriend relationship - a strictly part-time relationship with none of the responsibilities or difficulties of regular relationships.

When dating using the softer approach

I would aim to request to become an equal partner in the relationship whether you work or stay at home. Your contribution & worth should be valued. You need joint access to money & make decisions together

You don't want to be like an Op who had zero access to money for 18+ years

You need to find someone who is kind, generous, humourous.
Some people who have little are extremely kind
Some people who have lots are not always generous with their time or money

Nobody is perfect

Self respect is priceless, OP.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to be with someone who is financially secure and I think it's quite apparent whether someone is or not when you meet them and by how they live their life.

There is nothing stopping you from going out there yourself though and trying to improve your own income.

So if he wants to he can lie can't he? He probably would as he would know 1. You were on the make( which you are) 2. He would be embarrassed if he didn't earn much. Why don't you work on developing your own chances of earning?