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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Devastated

666 replies

MarthasGinYard · 10/08/2019 08:02

Have had an up and down relationship with a good DP for almost 12 years. I would say last 12 months much stronger.

Very Early worries of trust have always made me a tiny bit suspicious, but hand on heart nothing has ever really happened.

I found something the other night which didn't quite add up. My anxiety made me have a search through his things which is something I haven't done in years. When he came in from work, I asked him to just explain and he did completely. Felt much better but forgot to admit I'd had a dig around. He found I'd looked through his drawer. He went absolutely mad and I was honest and told him I'd had a snoop and reasons why and apologised.

He wants to call it a day says he's not happy. He can barely look at me. I feel terrible. I don't want my little family to split up. I've begged him to change his mind. We've been through similar once before. He says I've pushed him away and will never trust him. I actually do. I love him very much. probably haven't shown it enough. I've taken him for grafted and we are in a bit of a rut I guess.

Just need a hand hold through this. I have work today a long shift where have to be smiling and on the ball and don't know how I'll get through it. Haven't slept a wink. Please try to be gentle.

I'm in my 40's and I feel so vulnerable and worried about the future. I'd literally do anything to try and make things better. I think it might be too late.

If you have got this far

Thank you

OP posts:
lawnmowingsucks · 10/08/2019 13:06

How right you are @Wildorchidz

I will aim to do better next time.

Banangana · 10/08/2019 13:07

You have told him you are willing to change, if he is compassionate he will give you a chance. 12 ruddy years deserves a chance!

12 years is a very very long time to still be dealing with baggage from your partner's previous relationship and this is probably the straw that broke the camel's back. If they've been to individual and couples counselling in the past then he's clearly tried. The OP also admits that the relationship has been 'up and down' over the years so it's not like their relationship is generally great but currently facing this one problem. How many times and for how many years is he supposed to continue putting up with it? We all have our limits and he's reached his.

Having said that, I wouldn't rule out the possibility that he's had his head turned and is using this latest incident as an excuse/reason to finally leave the relationship.

Wildorchidz · 10/08/2019 13:08

The op gives a lot of pertinent detail in her posts. Worth reading before you condemn her partner.

ObtuseTriangle · 10/08/2019 13:11

I have RTFT and I agree with everything lawnmowingsucks says

Work12 · 10/08/2019 13:15

I don't think he will leave, I think he is just fuming. Just go along respecting what he says etc, don't beg but don't be too cool. Say that you have already looked into getting therapy and he is completely right. If he goes away for a few days in that time you will have both calmed down and you can make plans for therapy and show him this, it might all change his mind.

lawnmowingsucks · 10/08/2019 13:22

Thanks @ObtuseTriangle Thanks

I have now rtft Grin and I also agree with me HmmWink

Original poster
MarthasGinYard · 10/08/2019 13:33

@lifebegins

That sums up much

Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
MarthasGinYard · 10/08/2019 13:35

Just made an error I think

My Dad called and I ended up telling him. I didn't want to worry him. My DM has Alzheimer's and my dad's 84 such a wonderful man. He gets on so well with DP. He asked should he have a word bless him.

OP posts:
Original poster
MarthasGinYard · 10/08/2019 13:36

We jointly own the house not married.

Can't even stand to think about all that yet.

OP posts:
Sagradafamiliar · 10/08/2019 13:46

He might believe you're trying to be manipulative, with the ringing in sick, being too fragile to be practical and then telling your dad, on top of the reason this all came about. Not saying he's right. But it would explain his annoyance.
He's right that there's too much water under the bridge. 12 years of ups and downs is exhausting, something had to give.
You deserve a solid relationship, not a cyclical one.

Original poster
MarthasGinYard · 10/08/2019 13:49

He doesn't know I've told dad

Dad won't call him.

OP posts:
bionicnemonic · 10/08/2019 13:50

Give him some space. Don’t pester him to change his mind. Tell him you want to change (if you do) then seek outside help. Be strong and carry your own weight. If you both decide to continue with the holiday then ‘act’ enjoy yourself, or pretend to, ‘fake it till you make it’ he sounds exhausted and so you do. Put all this on hold, no discussions and just remember how to relax and have a good time together. Perhaps look into EMDR, not because you sound like you’re suffering from pstd but because it may help heal the trauma which sounds as though still haunts you.

womaninthedark · 10/08/2019 13:56

He's kicking off so badly to keep you in fear of checking up on him or speaking out. It's control. And he's hiding things.

So, he's ended it, has he? Good. Later you'll find out you were right all along.

Stop feeling so apologetic. People are suspicious of their partners sometimes. They check around, look at phones, look through drawers. It's not some great sin. It doesn't mean you're paranoid. It doesn't necessarily mean you are harking back to previous relationships.

The extreme reaction of your partner, in this minor issue, suggests that you were right to check.

NoCauseRebel · 10/08/2019 14:04

Bloody hell never seen such victim blaming on mn.

Man is the wronged party, but he’s the one being controlling? Whereas the OP is the one who’s turned on the waterworks, taken a day off sick and yet she’s the one in the wrong. Talk about dramatics. I feel sorry for the bloke.

Whenever an OP on here ends a relationship for whatever reason and the man is upset people post that he’s turning on the waterworks to be manipulative. Now the OP is being manipulative and still he’s the one in the wrong. Fuck me no wonder MN has the reputation it does.

onanothertrain · 10/08/2019 14:07

womaninthedark this is clearly not a minor issue. I have never been suspicious of a partner or checked a phone or drawer or checked around. I'm amazed at the number of clearly paranoid people on MN who think that is normal.

GoodBoyGhost · 10/08/2019 14:11

But if a woman is worried about something the advice on here is always to check bank statements etc.

All I can gather OP has done is ask partner about phone settings that didn't make sense last month and then look in a drawer she should have access to anyway and then ask him to explain the situation.

If she found what was thought to be a second ticket is she not right to look into it? Genuine question.

Banangana · 10/08/2019 14:18

If she found what was thought to be a second ticket is she not right to look into it?

She's free to look into it of course but the issue seems to be that this is an ongoing issue rather than a one off incident. They've been to relationship counselling. The DP is well within his rights to decide he'd rather not be in a relationship where his partner views him with suspicion and is unwilling to trust him or give him the benefit of the doubt. I'd be extremely hurt if I were in his shoes.

Barbie2016 · 10/08/2019 14:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn - posted on wrong thread.

NoCauseRebel · 10/08/2019 14:21

GoodBoyGhost perhaps as a one off, but the OP says this has been going on for twelve years and he hasn’t yet given her reason not to trust him.

FWIW I am actually of the opinion that if the trust is gone then the relationship is over. If you don’t trust your partner then no amount of looking at his phone is going to change that. If you look at the phone and find nothing then you’ll go that step further into looking at bank statements, social media, some even resort to e.g. hiring private investigators.

And again mn colludes with this by saying that if there’s nothing on his phone doesn’t mean he hasn’t got something to hide it just means he’s good at covering his tracks yada yada yada. That gut instinct in a woman is always correct (rubbish) and on and on.

Yet if a woman posts that her partner has been checking up on her for the past twelve years the response would be to ask why she’s let it gone on so long, that he doesn’t trust her and that she should ltb.

Greyhound22 · 10/08/2019 14:22

I don't think he's done anything wrong actually (well he might have but on the face of it)

He seems to have had enough - it must be exhausting being constantly watched and checked on and maybe this was the final straw for him.

Sorry OP I'm sure this is really difficult for you and I'm not trying to minimise that but for goodness sake people jumping to gaslighting and manipulating. He's saying he's not sure he wants to be in the relationship anymore that's all. We have no proof he's been 'up to no good'

I think you need to stop begging OP - admit that you've done wrong by going through his stuff ask and have a conversation about what needs to change.

Wildorchidz · 10/08/2019 14:33

If she found what was thought to be a second ticket is she not right to look into it? Genuine question.

Yes of course she can look in to it. Which she did. She asked him. He explained the ticket thing, showed her the email which also would have confirmed what he told her. That wasn’t enough for her. She then went looking for his credit card statement.
This is not a healthy relationship. And he has now called time on it.

AnneKipanki · 10/08/2019 14:36

@Barbie2016
You might be better starting your own thread

GoodBoyGhost · 10/08/2019 14:39

@wild I read it as she looked at the credit card statement THEN asked him.

If he wants to leave then that's absolutely his right. But if all she did was look at a credit card statement that was in a drawer then it just seems like an extreme reaction.

Obviously only OP knows if she has been unrelenting in her suspicion and accusations during the relationship.

Original poster
MarthasGinYard · 10/08/2019 14:42

I looked for the credit card statement after finding ticket.

I would have told him TBH

He just noticed first

OP posts:
Original poster
MarthasGinYard · 10/08/2019 14:51

He's just walked in completely ignored me and lay on the sofa to sleep.

I've lost him

I know that

OP posts:
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