Devastated

[MarthasGinYard]

Have had an up and down relationship with a good DP for almost 12 years. I would say last 12 months much stronger.

Very Early worries of trust have always made me a tiny bit suspicious, but hand on heart nothing has ever really happened.

I found something the other night which didn't quite add up. My anxiety made me have a search through his things which is something I haven't done in years. When he came in from work, I asked him to just explain and he did completely. Felt much better but forgot to admit I'd had a dig around. He found I'd looked through his drawer. He went absolutely mad and I was honest and told him I'd had a snoop and reasons why and apologised.

He wants to call it a day says he's not happy. He can barely look at me. I feel terrible. I don't want my little family to split up. I've begged him to change his mind. We've been through similar once before. He says I've pushed him away and will never trust him. I actually do. I love him very much. probably haven't shown it enough. I've taken him for grafted and we are in a bit of a rut I guess.

Just need a hand hold through this. I have work today a long shift where have to be smiling and on the ball and don't know how I'll get through it. Haven't slept a wink. Please try to be gentle.

I'm in my 40's and I feel so vulnerable and worried about the future. I'd literally do anything to try and make things better. I think it might be too late.

If you have got this far

Thank you

Bless you, his reaction was a bit over the top. I think he will forgive you, give him a bit of space. Don't beg, text etc just say you are sorry one more time and had a mad moment of feeling insecure.
You say he got you some water in the night? Well that shows love and care still. My DH never bothers if we have an awful row to see if I'm OK.

I do think everything will be alright in the end. If this is not a regular thing then he will forgive you if there is still love there (which there is). Let us know how you are. Take care x

You dont throw a 12 year relationship just like that. He clearly has something to hide. At the age of 40,ide be thinking ,go then,because he more than likely would have anyway.
Wishing you the best of luck for your future.

That's a total overreaction on his part. It's usually a sign of a guilty conscience. My dp wouldn't care at all if I looked through his things. In a way, isn't it flattering? You think he's so attractive that other people want him? I would agree, give him some space. Let him think it over. Does he really want to start again at 55?

I never believed for a minute he'd gone with a woman to concert. I just needed reassurance after finding the tickets.

I'm mid 40's

He's unhappy and understandably doesn't want to spend the next 10 years feeling like he does.

So sad

Tell him you love him, are sorry for doubting him and that he knows where you are when he’s taken the time and space he needs.

He spoke about having a talk next week to sort out what we are going to do. He said as in with living arrangements and our dc.

Going through a draw isn’t like going through someone’s mobile phone. After 12 years why would a draw be out of bounds? I go through dhs draws all the time, looking for a moisturiser hes nicked or a pair socks etc.

You have the same age gap as me and my DH. The last thing he would want is a divorce at his time of life. I think this can be saved.

Just hang in there, get through work today. The distraction may actually help you. But don't beg the man. Let him think what he's losing x

I think he just feels a bit pissed off you have been "checking up on him" TBH. Go to work as normal ,when you get home, act as though nothing has happened .See what he says when he is calmer .I wouldnt really like anyone to go through my drawer either.

I'm sorry but posters saying he's gaslighting you & is hiding something is a way ott reaction from strangers who don't know him! I was in a relationship where I was accused of cheating, meeting with people, talking to men etc etc, it rips you apart every time it happens. I guarantee you he felt so much worse than you do now when you falsely accused him again & asked for evidence or he felt compelled to show you evidence. You feel bad now as a result of your own actions, he felt bad for nothing. I'd imagine this is the last straw for him, not he is hiding something. How many times would you honestly accuse him of doing things?

I think if this is a continual drip drip pattern of behaviour op I can see why he'd get to the stage he'd had enough. The last time was only a month ago, and I'm going to have to assume that wasn't the first time if he's saying he can't live like this anymore. I think many people would feel the same.

Lots of women on here always think that a man is cheating. It's quite astounding. It doesn't matter what you post, they always bring it back to he must be cheating.

Bottom line is if we take what you've said, he's simply had enough of the mistrust, snooping and questioning, the lack of trust.

Can it be saved, maybe, maybe he's firing the warning shot. But if you can't change your behaviour then is there really any point in prolonging it? If this is who you are, then it's unlikely you can change your behaviour for ever more. So maybe it's better it's over. For both your sakes.

Typical MN response - he must be hiding something, trust your gut etc.
While I do agree that going through a drawer isn't that bad, I think for him it's the last straw. He's had 12 years of this and he's now had enough. To be honest I can't blame him, it's a long time with no trust, accusations and having to explain yourself.

So he's said he's not sure if he loves you anymore and wants to talk about living arrangements, personally I'd do a lot more digging.

I really don't constantly accuse him.

We have had some sadness 2 MMC one late, and I carry a heavy heart sometimes. He was supportive at these times. I know I can come across quite hard with him sometimes and he's probably as poster have said. Just had enough.

He's still asleep I think I'll see if he's awake before I leave and just apologise and say I don't want to end things but leave it there.

I won't be begging.

I don't need to dig

Never really did

He's done nothing

This is me

Have heard when people are paranoid & insecure about cheating it is a sign that their Trust is not related to how honest their partner is. It’s a direct relation to how well they think they could cope in the event their partner was cheating.

So OP you are insecure, have low self esteem & don’t have any faith in your ability to be able to be strong, be single, survive more cheating. It comes from codependency too...like if he found another woman & left what is the worst outcome ?

You can’t bear to imagine, however what you fear you create. Constant insecurity & needing to be coddled grows to be very tiresome & unattractive. You describe feeling panicky so he had to fetch you some water. It’s all so over the top. You are a grown woman, go get your own water! I think it may have perceived such an interaction as him proving he cares, to have gotten you the water. But from someone fed up with 12 years of misplaced mistrust & reassuring you continually...it sounds like he is now going through the motions & fallen out of love.

The only way to have a hope of saving this one is let him go now to be separated for awhile, let him be free to date & do all the things you were scared of. Don’t beg or be needy. If he wants to return he will. You need to work on yourself at the moment.

I think I would find your behaviour very stressful and probably blow my top at some point too. Of course we don’t know whether you have any cause for concern or not, but from what you have posted there doesn’t seem to be any evidence. Sounds like you want to continue the relationship. In that case , no you don’t have to beg but you do have to be genuinely apologetic and more importantly change your behaviour.

Yes my self esteem is possibly quite low but I'm certainly not a needy type normally day to day stuff.

I've put on weight over the years probably don't like myself as much and it all probably hasn't helped.

So you don’t like yourself, but you expect your partner to be in love with you? But YOU don’t like you, so why expect others to ?

You say you aren’t needy but it sounds possible that you need a lot from him emotionally in terms of helping to prop up your self esteem, reassure you, etc. this can be draining for someone to feel they are responsible for their partner’s emotions.

If you aren’t happy with your weight then change your lifestyle, do something about it!

Thank god Onanothertrain. !!
What you said in spades .

People have a RIGHT to privacy and not to be snooped on. They also have a right to be trusted by their spouse or significant other. If you DON'T trust them then leave.

Privacy is a basic human right. It isn't OPTIONAL !
... and contrary to MN beliefs you don't get to run roughshod over those rights due to ;
'My anxiety'
'My spidey senses were tingling'
' I just have a gut feeling something is wrong'
'He must be lying'
'I think he's gaslighting me'

It is NEVER ok to snoop in another person unless you are investigating a serious crime and have applied for a RIPA to allow you to do this. !

If you are suspicious. Ask them a question. Get your answer and then make a decision as to wether you trust that decision. If you do - great. If you don't then end the relationship.

So you asked him once last month and once a few days ago? I think if something doesn't seem right you should be able to talk to your partner without fear of them kicking off. I also think it's a bit of an overreaction to throw a 12 year relationship away over this.

If he truly wants to leave then obviously that's his right and you'll have to cope as best you can, it's really rough but you will be ok.

There does seem more to it but obviously we don't know your relationship as well as you. I hope your shift isn't too hard today, unmumsnetty hug for you OP

OP whether it's over or not you need to sort out your trust issues. I know where you're coming from as I also have very low self-esteem and can be quite paranoid. I'm going to counselling now to try and sort it out.

If he sees you're being proactive about helping yourself he might stay but don't do it just for him, do it for yourself.

Sounds like he's been wanting to leave but struggled to find a reason. You've given him one and he's jumped at it. Now he can leave but your the bad guy.

That it @prawnsword, if you kjow you',ll be fine if the relationship ends then you have faith that yr partner wont jeopardise relationship by flirting /texting/ still having an eye out. And so you dont come accross as insecure or terrified the relationship will end.

OP instead of this compounding whatever abandonment issues you have, let it be the catalyst for you shoring up your inner citadel.

He says I've pushed him away and will never trust him.

Same thing my ex accused me of, even though I was completely un-jealous, and had put a previous affair behind me, never asked him anything, wasn't suspicious about his 'working away'. He became very angry when I asked him about something very odd that had happened.

Most people don't become angry and defensive and accusing for no reason.