Devastated

[MarthasGinYard]

Have had an up and down relationship with a good DP for almost 12 years. I would say last 12 months much stronger.

Very Early worries of trust have always made me a tiny bit suspicious, but hand on heart nothing has ever really happened.

I found something the other night which didn't quite add up. My anxiety made me have a search through his things which is something I haven't done in years. When he came in from work, I asked him to just explain and he did completely. Felt much better but forgot to admit I'd had a dig around. He found I'd looked through his drawer. He went absolutely mad and I was honest and told him I'd had a snoop and reasons why and apologised.

He wants to call it a day says he's not happy. He can barely look at me. I feel terrible. I don't want my little family to split up. I've begged him to change his mind. We've been through similar once before. He says I've pushed him away and will never trust him. I actually do. I love him very much. probably haven't shown it enough. I've taken him for grafted and we are in a bit of a rut I guess.

Just need a hand hold through this. I have work today a long shift where have to be smiling and on the ball and don't know how I'll get through it. Haven't slept a wink. Please try to be gentle.

I'm in my 40's and I feel so vulnerable and worried about the future. I'd literally do anything to try and make things better. I think it might be too late.

If you have got this far

Thank you

I feel like it's almost like that book from years ago Men are From Mars.

I feel like his band has snapped

Quite honestly I think you need to back off and give him space
It may still be fixable but he needs space

When he sits and realises what is actually happening he may change his mind but right now he's very angry.

I think seeing you constantly, you apologising and asking him to consider the options and watching you cry is the opposite of what HE needs right now

He needs to be calm to understand what hes gonna do and think it through be it leave or stay

The more frustrated you make him the more hes likely to go out of anger and principle

(My opinion only)

And FYI - I would have snooped under these particular circumstances too.

Danni I agree

I'm pretty sure his mind is made up but I won't be begging and will try not to be overly emotional.

TBH I will stay out of his way. He had better be cordial when Dd is back though as I don't want anymore upset than she will be.

If he’s saying it’s over, why don’t you tell him to pack a bag and go?

I don't want any further confrontation ATM. I'm not ready to enter into any of those conversations yet TBH.

If he is not going tonight, id go to a friend's house.

I wouldn't tell him to go as above post said because you were in the wrong and he will just think you're taking the mick. Just leave him to chill, pull yourself together around him but don't act like you don't care and then see if he comes back to you

Don't tell anyone else either, it will be more dramatic if your husband knows other people know and then if you do stay together you'll look abit stupid then having to tell everyone you're ok, i think it will make your husband more mad that you are now telling people. Stay put, don't go to a friends

If he’s saying it’s over, why don’t you tell him to pack a bag and go?

Probably because it's his home and he has as much right to live there as the OP does.

I imagine he’ll be fine with DD, no reason not to be. You say you’ll ‘try’ to less emotional. How about a stronger ‘won’t be emotional’. I really think he needs mental space. I would strongly recommend backing off totally. Maybe take DD out or get a take away or watch a movie all together and say nothing at all. (I don’t mean ignore him!, just be chilled) Let him calm down

She’s apologised, says she’ll change etc he holds all the cards at the moment. Maybe if he leaves the house , even if it’s only a few days , they all might calm down and think a little more clearly

Going out with Dd and her friend on their bikes. Glad she's back can just go out.

Have confided in one close friend other than dad.

Have had to speak to her I needed that.

If what you say is true about how you've snooped and been suspicious for years with no just cause then maybe you should offer to sleep elsewhere for a couple of nights.

Can't eat
Can't keep water down now
I need to get a grip

OP, I have to say I understand where your DP is coming from. I hate it when I see people in relationships using their ex’s behaviour as an excuse to justify how they behave in the new relationship, whether that’s snooping cos someone used hide things, searching a phone cos someone cheated, wanting all contact with female friends stopped cos someone cheated with one etc etc, what is actually does is make the new partner pay for someone else’s transgressions.

Sounds like your partner has had enough of that.

Can you stay at your friend's house tonight so DH doesn't think you are manipulating him.

I could stay at a friends house yes.

My friend is leaving me keys so I can stay at hers for the next week as her house is empty.

He said he's volunteered to work tmrw as he doesn't want to see me. It's hard. I didn't cry just asked him to be a bit kinder, no need to say that to me. He's pressing to chat to sort what will happen I've told him not whilst Dd here and I'm not ready.

Give him a date when you will discuss it or ask him to find a mediator.

He's told me he wants me out of house.

I don't want to go

nocauserebel has a point

Oh please. Show some compassion. This is her partner of 12 years. They have a child.

Grief and shock make me feel physically sick too. It is not unusual.

If you feel the urge to post a mean comment on a thread like this, you need to step back.

No cause

I'm putting on a good act for my Dd I'm finding this tough but yes I do need to get over this I'm aware.

I'm sick to the stomach and I'm aloud to express on here how I feel.

Allowed

Sorry