Devastated

[MarthasGinYard]

Have had an up and down relationship with a good DP for almost 12 years. I would say last 12 months much stronger.

Very Early worries of trust have always made me a tiny bit suspicious, but hand on heart nothing has ever really happened.

I found something the other night which didn't quite add up. My anxiety made me have a search through his things which is something I haven't done in years. When he came in from work, I asked him to just explain and he did completely. Felt much better but forgot to admit I'd had a dig around. He found I'd looked through his drawer. He went absolutely mad and I was honest and told him I'd had a snoop and reasons why and apologised.

He wants to call it a day says he's not happy. He can barely look at me. I feel terrible. I don't want my little family to split up. I've begged him to change his mind. We've been through similar once before. He says I've pushed him away and will never trust him. I actually do. I love him very much. probably haven't shown it enough. I've taken him for grafted and we are in a bit of a rut I guess.

Just need a hand hold through this. I have work today a long shift where have to be smiling and on the ball and don't know how I'll get through it. Haven't slept a wink. Please try to be gentle.

I'm in my 40's and I feel so vulnerable and worried about the future. I'd literally do anything to try and make things better. I think it might be too late.

If you have got this far

Thank you

Lose my cool even
Not loose!

Also google Ross Rosenberg + overcoming fear of being alone. He has some really good insights which definitely helped me feel less fear about the future.

OP I think you need to give him some space and in the meantime show him that you really are willing to work on your trust and self esteem issues, getting some therapy for this maybe. Actions speak louder than words.

By your own admission you've subjected him to death by 1000 cuts over many years despite him never doing anything wrong. You've kept your bad behaviour under control for the last year but in the last month you reverted to type. He is right to leave.

Let him go without making him suffer more.

Have you really questioned him constantly?
It doesn't come across like that to me. You looked for a credit card statement (which shouldn't be considered private between a couple with joint finances) in a drawer. Is that it?

I am so sorry, you will obviously blame yourself and if you do question him often then trust has always been an issue.

I am wondering however if you felt the connection was lacking so this has triggered your behaviour.

If he is giving up now and you haven't repeatedly checked up on him or restricted him (as others have experienced) then I think he was looking for a way out.Especially since he hasn't discussed the issue with you before.

I think its normal to offer a certain amount of gentle reassurance to a partner, especially when the honeymoon period wears off and each party does stuff individually. The cold & angry response seems disproportionate but only you can answer if you have been controlling in the past.

Speaking as someone whose ex snooped through my every account, phone, social media, had me followed, put bugs in the house etc etc etc I would say that those who say “if you have nothing to hide you would be reassuring,” that’s utter bollocks.

Being spied/snooped on is a complete violation. There is a vast difference between Not having anything to hide and therefore your life being an open book, and someone actually taking that literally and snooping because they feel you shouldn’t be able to be trusted.

And in my ex’s case, he started out small. Sneak peek at my phone for instance. And when he found nothing there he moved on to signing into my social media accounts from his phone. The password was known to him you see, as was my phone passcode, When he didn’t find anything there he put a key logger on my computer, again nothing, so he hid a bug in the house. And the list goes on.

I eventually left him, but not before I changed all my passwords, and the irony was that I changed them all in one hit, and it took him three days to admit to what he had done. But by then it was too late, and you know what? At that point it wasn’t me who wasn’t trustworthy, it was him. He couldn’t be trusted not to spy and accuse.

The partner here doesn’t owe it to the OP to prove he’s not having an affair. Just because someone has trust issues doesn’t make them valid or right.

I’m afraid the DP wanting to leave is no more than the OP deserves. The reality here is that once the trust has gone the relationship is over.

OP are you having medical treatment for your anxiety?

Because "I never believed for a minute he'd gone with a woman to concert" does not agree with your further actions.

I'm sensing this might be a "straw that broke the camel's back" moment for your DP. It's a shame, but it can also be a learning experience for you.

At the beginning of your post you say the relationship has been up and down, but for the last 12 months( out of 12 years )has been stronger.

That really doesn't describe a good relationship.
I think there are other issues.

You might have been so distrustful over the years that he's finally had enough.

Or ... your gut could be spotting red flags that, consciously, you overlook. Trust your gut. Some controlling men go for vulnerable women, and enjoy nothing more than their partner being in an apologetic, self-doubting state. Don't blame your ex's behaviour - that is likely to be a factor in making it hard for you to trust again, but you've been with this latest guy for a while now, and if he was solid his behaviour would eventually have reassured you. Listen to what your gut is telling you. You might have got it wrong about the concert tickets, but you wouldn't have freaked out about them unless you already distrusted him. And you even claim that you do trust him - you don't know what you feel or believe!

I have been where you are: I had a manipulative liar for a partner, then kept freaking out in my next relationship. I blamed my past experiences, but in retrospect the new partner was just as bad - and he liked me being unsure of myself.

I think it's weird, frankly, that this guy got up in the night to get you some water. If he was genuinely hurt he would have left you to get it yourself (and more to the point he would have gone to stay with a friend instead of dramatically moving to a different bedroom at home). Sounds like he's pleased with the way things are and can afford to play the saint to show you how much you need him. He's waiting for you to come crawling back.

What is clear is that, upset as you are at this turn of events, this relationship is not making you happy. It's making you doubt yourself. When we're really low, we can fail to recognise that we're really unhappy ... the amount of times i would puzzle about whether or not i was unhappy, when my ex's abuse had got so bad that I was frequently dissociating and having panic attacks.

He's very angry, pretty disgusted that I've phoned in sick.

He's said he wants to sit down and sort out the plan to separate today. I'm so fragile at the moment I can't do that.

I don't want to leave our home our dc is buried in the garden I just have literally been sick. I think he will ask us to go as he pays most of the bills. I just can't stand it. We were laughing and joking on Thursday he bought me a lovely surprise I'm so shocked.

I shouldn't be shocked

This has been an accumulation of things. He said too much water under the bridge.

Wow, he is angry with you for feeling upset??

He has dumped you after 12 years and he is cross with you that you cannot face work?

He might have the right to ferl indignant you looked thru his stuff but he doesnt have the right to end the relationship and then be irritated or disappointed in you that you are dealing with some emotions as a result of that!

The picture becomes clearer.

Thanks again for the support makes me feel less lonely. Have left massage with my friend to get some RL support.

Re counselling have had both couples and on my own some years ago. I think I do certainly need to do some work on myself.

I'm absolutely terrified about what is to happen next.

He's disgusted you phoned in sick?

I'd ask him to leave today OP. @lifebegins post was interesting and I wonder some of the same things.

Do you have RL support?

I meant to post this not this !

This could be the catalyst for you finding resilience you hadnt tapped in to before.

Cliché, oprah winfrey here! But we have all been where you are now, first day after a devastating breakup.

You can build yourself back up to strength, optimism, belief in yourself...

Think maya angelou and karl jung both said that Growth, real growth always follows pain.

Looks like there's a problem with the emojis, haven't been on the gin I promise. But OP, he has no right to dictate how you're supposed to feel after ending your relationship.

Who goes to a concert on their own?

Ffs. Are some people really so hard of thinking that if something doesn’t happen in their own tiny little world they find it unbelievable?

I think it's weird, frankly, that this guy got up in the night to get you some water. If he was genuinely hurt he would have left you to get it yourself (and more to the point he would have gone to stay with a friend instead of dramatically moving to a different bedroom at home)

That’s your narrative that you’ve manipulated to suit your viewpoint. People don’t all act in the way you would. It doesn’t make them wrong.

So, if he had been having an affair and the OP had been the one leaving, would people be saying that she had no right to be upset that he was upset? Or reverse possibility, if he’d been the one snooping on the OP and she’d had enough and wanted to leave would people be saying she was out of order for being upset? No didn’t think so. MN double standards at its best again I see.

Man snoops on woman, man is to blame. Woman snoops on man, man is to blame.

As the OP is the one in the wrong she should be the one to leave.

I'm sorry you're struggling, OP.

But I think this is just the way out he has been looking for, since he says he's not sure he loves you. That's not say I think he's cheating or anything. But don't blame yourself for this one particular incident. I don't think it's about that, or just about the similar incidents before.

Being disgusted with you for calling in sick the day your family splits up is pretty damn cold.

Disgusted because you didn't go to work - he's a real charmer isn't he.
He wants to split up - so you tell Him to go and see how he likes it.
He does not get to play all the shots and I think he's going to try to take advantage/manipulate you because you are so upset with yourself.
Stop being a push-over 💐💐💐

Crikey, you poor thing! Why do you think it's you that has to leave? Are you married? Is your DC his child? I am guessing he owns the house? In 12 years you must have contributed towards it in some way?

I would get some free legal advice asap about the house and your entitlements. As you may have an interest in this, if you have contributed and the property price has increased since you have been together.

I would give him time to calm himself down still too. Go out and get a coffee somewhere. He may change his mind if you show some strength. No one is perfect and we all do things wrong in a relationship at times. You have told him you are willing to change, if he is compassionate he will give you a chance. 12 ruddy years deserves a chance! Good luck and take care x

@MarthasGinYard
Hand hold !

I haven't rtft sorry

He hasn't been honest with you

To be THIS close to ending the whole relationship after one drawer search , means he has been building up to this for a LONG time

And he hasn't told you

In fact he has actively withheld the truth - ergo he has been lying to you about his feelings for you and about your relationship for a long time

Now - I don't know if he's got another woman , my gut says he has, but in truth that's irrelevant

He is gaslighting you into believing that your sporadic and very intermittent anxiety about his faithfulness has caused him, all of a sudden, to want to end the relationship

Bollocks

The man is a tosser

That's my opinion for what it's worth

And huge love to you. You do NOT deserve this treatment and this is not your fault

I haven't rtft sorry

Maybe you should.