Devastated

[MarthasGinYard]

Have had an up and down relationship with a good DP for almost 12 years. I would say last 12 months much stronger.

Very Early worries of trust have always made me a tiny bit suspicious, but hand on heart nothing has ever really happened.

I found something the other night which didn't quite add up. My anxiety made me have a search through his things which is something I haven't done in years. When he came in from work, I asked him to just explain and he did completely. Felt much better but forgot to admit I'd had a dig around. He found I'd looked through his drawer. He went absolutely mad and I was honest and told him I'd had a snoop and reasons why and apologised.

He wants to call it a day says he's not happy. He can barely look at me. I feel terrible. I don't want my little family to split up. I've begged him to change his mind. We've been through similar once before. He says I've pushed him away and will never trust him. I actually do. I love him very much. probably haven't shown it enough. I've taken him for grafted and we are in a bit of a rut I guess.

Just need a hand hold through this. I have work today a long shift where have to be smiling and on the ball and don't know how I'll get through it. Haven't slept a wink. Please try to be gentle.

I'm in my 40's and I feel so vulnerable and worried about the future. I'd literally do anything to try and make things better. I think it might be too late.

If you have got this far

Thank you

I'm sorry you are going through this but as someone who was on the other side I can understand that it may be the last straw, which maybe why his reaction seems over the top.

My ex was cheated on/lied to etc and it was brought into our relationship- no matter what I did I was questioned/ suspected etc. After over 12 years it wore me down, I couldn't take it anymore and the marriage ended.

I hope you manage to move forward in a way that is healthy for you both.

Thanks so much for all the replies. Some excellent points and some of you seems to really get it.

I've just been in and again apologised and said I'm willing to work on myself etc and I can't do much more.

He wasn't particularly receptive but he's also tired as been a bad night. When I asked him if we could 'park it' for the holidays he didn't say no. I just asked him to consider it.

You admit you have done this before. The relationship isn’t good and I don’t see why anything will be different in the future. If I was in his shoes I would be leaving. There is nothing he can do to make you trust him or give you the reassurance. The best advice anyone can give him is to look at your actions because they belie your words.

Everyone has a right to privacy even in a relationship. I would always give someone a pass if they genuinely believed their relationship or wellbeing was at risk. But it is a one off deal when the stakes are high. You either find something that ends the relationship or you accept that there is nothing. Frankly the later is impossible and all you will do is keep checking up on them. That’s when you have a problem and the consequence is that your partner may decide they have had enough. They are right to do so.

Sadly posting on here will have filled your head with more negative thoughts and anxiety. I hope you find a better way to deal with your anxiety which is only going to get worse if you don’t address it. What you are doing, seeking reassurance from strangers and snooping on the one person you should trust isn’t going to do it.

[Flowers]

Might be an idea to get professional help rather than just 'work on yourself' as it may give him more faith that things will actually change this time. Work will help distract you for a bit. Hope you feel better and things get sorted. xx

Sounds like he's been wanting to leave but struggled to find a reason. You've given him one and he's jumped at it. Now he can leave but your the bad guy.

It sounds as if he is completely fed up with the Op’s behaviour and I don’t blame him. Would you like to be questioned and your answers not believed and your partner then to go looking for your credit card statement to make sure you’re not lying? I certainly would not be happy about that.
The op has said that this is her pattern of behaviour.
One thing is certain - if the op was saying her dp was the one doing the snooping then she would be told he is abusive and controlling and she should leave him.

Actions speak louder than words. You say you will work on yourself, provided he agrees to what you ‘need’ - him to put his feelings aside for the holidays. Can you not see how your neediness is impacting on other people?

It sounds like you badger him & wear him down to the point he stops answering. He falls silent & doesn’t say an outright no - because I dare say you will be at him until he gives you the answer you want. You don’t seem to care how worn down you get being on the other side of the neediness. He sounds burnt out & starting to check out of the relationship. You need to stop requesting him to push down his feelings for the sake of yours.

Also if you were going to separate presumably during the holidays would be easier for children, so they could start the new school season post separation. I agree as others “work on myself” is vague & professional help is required.

How are you going to work on yourself? I mean that gently, but how?

How often do you do this op?

Some posters on here are just so obsessed with cheating. He doesn't love you any more, oh he must be cheating, he doesn't want to live like this any more, oh he must be cheating, it doesn't matter what you say you've done to him op, he must be cheating. It's totally batshit.

Working on uour self esteem, learning to love yourself, learning to trust, is something that will benefit you, but how do uou intend to do it?

It's not ok to say you will, with no concrete plan to how you will do that. Because all that will happen is you'll avert it this time, but in a month, two months, you'll be accusing him again, going through his stuff, searching his credit card statements, when the storm has passed.

Neither of you are happy, and he's right, this is no way to live.

He's ended it

Said will sort everything after school holidays.

Have phoned in sick just can't face work

Feel physically sick

Very cold

Angry

Can't even look at me

And again thanks to those who get it.

He wasn't cheating and never was.

Who goes to a concert on their own?

The kick off he had about you having searched through his drawers sounds way over the top considering he'd just finished reassuring you and explaining himself.

Anger and defensiveness can be a sign of being guilty of something. It doesn't sound right to me as I'd have thought he'd have just rolled his eyes and put it down to being part of whatever he's just talked to you about.

Men can often lie and gaslight to make women feel bad and accuse us of being crazy when in reality they are the ones up to no good.

I think in your case you need to accept your gut is telling you something is off, he doesn't want you snooping, so the relationship is over.

Life can be much less stressful without having the constant fear and worries about what a partner is up to. You will be fine.

I disagree with others. I've been on the receiving end of unwarranted suspicion and I was the gaslighted one if anything, not the other way round. It was awful.

Never beg. You said you've had this before and you've ended up back together but it may not have been what he'd have chosen if you hadn't begged and now this is just his final straw. Don't plead with someone to stay with you, it's damaging to yourself but also unfair on the other person.

I'm really sorry, I am. In the worst case scenario, if others are right and he is hiding something, then it also signals the end. The only good to come from this is that you value yourself and move on with dignity as your future self will thank you for it.

Who goes to a concert on their own?

I do. I also go the cinema on my own.
Vast numbers of people are perfectly able to do things on their own.

If he wants to end it then he should go now, I promise you it will be easier in the long run. Do you have friends or family you can stay with for a couple of days just until you can pick yourself up again?

The mistrust is a sign that the relationship was over OP. If you don't trust your life partner then you need to find a new one or a way to trust them or be alone. It's painful for both of you and unfair on them.
I hope you're okay OP but unfortunately actions do have consequences

I think it will probably come out that he has someone else - at least in the sidelines. Waiting for a time when he can blame you and walk away without taking any responsibility. You need to do as much counselling as you need to make sure you are clear in the future about where the boundaries are between your issues and other peoples. His reaction has been way over the top. It's fishy. All of these questions need to wait for now. You will be feeling shocked and devastated. Be kind to yourself. Feel the emotions. Nurture yourself and DS. Just put one foot in front of the other for now. I have just walked your path and you can follow my footsteps until you can see the light.

I did several things on my own about 4 years ago.

I realised that a lot of my low standard had come from fear i wouldnt be brave enough to go and do the things i wanted to do alone. So i went to a lecture on my own. Went to dinner on my own. Went to theatre/comedy on my own. Travelled to visit a friend abroad on my own. She was there obviously but i tagged two days on to the end to explore another city.

I no longer fear ill miss out, through lack of bravery or not having a plus one. It was good for me. I must do some stuff on my own again so so that i dont lose that 'power'

I'm sorry op, 💐

Oh I'm sorry to hear that OP.

I know you will feel terrible right now and now is too soon to start ''working on yourself'' but for now, just have faith that you will stronger and more optimistic soon.

Do you ever listen to youtube gurus as I call them? Lot of good ones. Stephanie Lyn is a good one and not focused on abusive relationships like most of the ones I listen(ed) to.

Put ''how to recover from a break up'' in to youtube! You will feel you can do it if you listen to enough of them.

Oh you poor thing. All these posters criticising his reaction have obviously never been in his shoes. It’s soul destroying being accused of things you haven’t done and it’s tiring. I understand why your DP has come to this decision. Unfortunately I’m guessing he’s heard your apologies before and now it’s happened again. I feel for you both.
If you told him this would never happen again would that be true? Really true? If not I think you have to let him go, however painful that is. He deserves better. If you can be sure it won’t happen again, absolutely sure, how can you convince him? It’s probably too late. I’m really sorry for you

in the meantime can you get some counselling, therapy? maybe you can save it, you have time till the end of holidays.

haven't listened to this particular clip but this is another youtuber i find very easy to listen to s

I think i would find your behaviour a bit stressful and loose my cool at some point which is what he's done.
He will probably (hopefully) calm down but i do think you need to show some positive suggestions on how to curb this untrusting instinct you have.
Please ignore the typical 'he's up to something MN gang'