Devastated

[MarthasGinYard]

Have had an up and down relationship with a good DP for almost 12 years. I would say last 12 months much stronger.

Very Early worries of trust have always made me a tiny bit suspicious, but hand on heart nothing has ever really happened.

I found something the other night which didn't quite add up. My anxiety made me have a search through his things which is something I haven't done in years. When he came in from work, I asked him to just explain and he did completely. Felt much better but forgot to admit I'd had a dig around. He found I'd looked through his drawer. He went absolutely mad and I was honest and told him I'd had a snoop and reasons why and apologised.

He wants to call it a day says he's not happy. He can barely look at me. I feel terrible. I don't want my little family to split up. I've begged him to change his mind. We've been through similar once before. He says I've pushed him away and will never trust him. I actually do. I love him very much. probably haven't shown it enough. I've taken him for grafted and we are in a bit of a rut I guess.

Just need a hand hold through this. I have work today a long shift where have to be smiling and on the ball and don't know how I'll get through it. Haven't slept a wink. Please try to be gentle.

I'm in my 40's and I feel so vulnerable and worried about the future. I'd literally do anything to try and make things better. I think it might be too late.

If you have got this far

Thank you

@AnneKipanki, well none of us know each other here, so that’s a bit of an odd question to ask. The OP keeps saying she doesn’t recognise him despite knowing him for 12 years. Given they’ve not really talked, except he’s been clear he wants them to move out... I’m saying the OP needs to make it crystal clear to him and tell him he need to speak to his solicitor (if he thinks it’s going to be this easy for him to move her out.)

I’m just suggesting due to lack of communication on both their parts, I can see why he might assume she’s going to break the news on the holiday and I can see the logic of him packing, as he works quite long hours from what the OP describes.

Anne

We aren't away until end of Dd school holidays. So a little while yet. I've been exploring other options, a friend can come for a couple of days etc perhaps.

Not looking fwd to the weekend TBH I must get over and see my parents and keep up a pretence to some degree.

Breaks my heart to think of moving Dd from here. She has her friends here that she loves. She will see them this weekend.

Well it’s up to you OP but you should read what you’ve written in these 12 pages before being so sure “he’ll never”

There are no winners here and the loser is your child. So I’d drop the playing. You’re not arming him with anything. You’re saving him (and yourself) money by telling him what any other solicitor will tell him.

The aim here is not to get a shit hot solicitor but to avoid paying for solicitors as much as you both can.

' I really hope we can sort this without any need of the stress and cost of a court room.'

Typed by myself this morning.

I'm certainly not playing any form of games. I'm just surviving and following advice and gaining what knowledge I can.

He decided this. I won't be suggesting he visits a solicitor, why would I.

Because it’s in your interest

This was the first property he's ever bought and at 46 it's as though he resigned that he bought it, will never ever move and is extremely territorial over it.

On the day he ended it and I said 'it was my home too' the 'I'll fight you for it' was all I had to hear to know his stance.

When we eventually speak about this it will become clear with where he is with the financial side of things.

He may surprise me and offer us more than I'm thinking but I doubt that very much.

Apologies @LazyDaisey , I was just thinking... and writing it out . You are correct , we do not know.

You sound as if you are doing incredibly well Martha even if you can't see it yourself.

I also think your partner has treated you pretty harshly. Fine that he wants to separate but why the nastiness? You admit you haven't been perfect but how was you supposed to realise how bad the situation was becoming if your partner didn't communicate properly with you?!

He needs to stop the coldness right now for the sake of your daughter. She's the important one here, not him and how hard done by he thinks he is!

I mean this kindly but as parents you both need to talk sooner than eventually. It will be impossible for your daughter to not pick up on the problems. She won’t be able to assimilate them as well as an adult. She needs to be reassured and given certainty about her future.

I know, and everyone ones, how difficult it is to deal with frightening situations and emotional pain. I don’t think for one minute it will be easy. I do know that your new life will be better than life as it is at the moment. Even if it is scary today. Living together when you have split is a god awful experience. I know it protects interests and gives you leverage. But there is a trade off here between well-being and financial interest.

In your situation I would take assurance from the fact that he has a lot of capital. If this can easily be released then he can easily buy you out. He desperately wants to stay in the house and that is an advantage. You need to make a decision as to whether you want the house and if you do that it is for the right reasons.

Decide what is really important in your future life. Because you have split up and things have to change. Everything can not be as before and not everything you and he want is feasible or even affordable any more.

OP can you give a clue as to why you are 100% that there is no one else? Surely it’s a possibility - even if you couldn’t see it coming - just like his decision and behaviour right now - not someone you recognise?

Clare

Have done earlier in thread

It's irrelevant to go over

Wish there was one

But there's not

End of

Rainbow

I'm hoping the coldness subsides.

It's got to at some point

Lemon

Thank you

Op I think the danger in looking for him to be warm & friendly with you may be subconsciously searching for signs of hope that he may reconsider. You’re probably still in shock right now, understandably so.

If you are so certain there is no OW then it sounds like you do accept it was your ongoing behaviour which has pushed him away. For what it’s worth I do think he should have at least told you that he was giving it one last final chance though... had you known that you may have had the opportunity to seek therapy etc... but it’s also possible he didn’t consciously plan it till the last event happened & did indeed snap

It is hard but I have been there - pushed someone away due to my bad behaviour & it was a real learning experience on how to not push people away by being needy & insecure ...

What I am trying to say is if you do in fact accept it was your behaviour that caused this

It is not helpful to focus on how cruel & cold he is being to you now. Take responsibility That this is the outcome when we push people too far with our insecurities & issues. People are allowed to decide their situations are toxic & leave. We must respect that our partners are never trapped to us. I have pushed someone away & it was really hard to accept but once I did it changed my outlook on life for the better

'but it’s also possible he didn’t consciously plan it till the last event happened & did indeed snap'

I believe this could be true TBH

'was a real learning experience on how to not push people away by being needy & insecure ...'

I was more of a cold fish TBH than needy and insecure on a day to day basis I think I took him and my life very for granted and didn't show him the love he deserved.

Thanks Prawn

Op you seem to be swaying between final decisions moving forward and hoping he will change his mind.

Totally understandable imo but why keep it from your parents?

The sooner you tell people in rl the more support you will have to move forward with plans.

I think I took him and my life very for granted and didn't show him the love he deserved
Maybe, if the opportunity presents itself, you could still sort of let him know. Perhaps if he does something kind for DD you could say to her ‘that was really kind of daddy’ to remind them both of the family love and that you notice and appreciate the love even when it’s not directed toward you

I can understand the op not wanting to tell too many people. The more people who know the more ‘set in stone’ it becomes. It depends on relationships

OP
We all have to dig deep in a relationship to keep the show on the road. It’s usually a rare occasion and it’s a reassurance to find something there to be able to do it with. But sometimes that extra thing isn’t there and you know it won’t come back. It’s not a reflection on anyone.

Please don’t get dragged into the concept that either of you has to be blamed for this situation. As far as I can see you both fall into normal spectrums for human behaviour, although my observation is that you are both at different ends. But hey a lot of posters on here have demonstrated they are too, some are like you and some are like him. That’s why the responses to the thread are so different.

That difference can make a relationship work and add to your life. It can have the opposite impact too. When the differences rub off on you and make you a better person that’s great. When they just rub you up the wrong way it’s not working. That can descend into toxicity.

Honestly it would be worse if he wasn’t being so switched off and cold. Although you have come to rely on him for emotional support, he is not the one to give it anymore. That would be too confusing for you. Blowing hot and cold in a split is not a nice thing to do. Equally you don’t want to at each other’s throats and name calling.

Start deciding what is important going forward and what you will absolutely need and be willing to fight for and change your life for. Like securing the school fees and being able to own a home (maybe not that home), building a pension, security for your daughter and so on. I bet you don’t even add needing a man. At least in the future the decision to add an extension will be yours alone.

I had an ex that did this “That doesn’t add up, explain yourself and I’ve looked through your phone etc” crap. I actually found out during the freedom programme that that is textbook abuser behaviour. So if you are doing it to him monthly (you just did it and mentioned you did it a month ago), the it’s not on.
Is it when you are hormonal?
Or do you think he is actually a bad guy and always up to something and you just haven’t caught him out yet? X

OP Mum has dementia . Dad is a carer , 84 Years old.

She will tell him , obviously finds it difficult at the moment . Does not want to add to Dad's worries or stresses.
Looking after someone with dementia is VERY hard.